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mdowen7's avatar

Question about sex.

Asked by mdowen7 (1points) November 27th, 2008 from iPhone

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 2 years now, she never talks about sex and I’m starting to get upset. I think it’s about time me and her do it, but she hides her feelings about it. How can I get her to feel the same way? I don’t try to hide the fact that I want to sleep with her, and whenever I bring it up, instead of changing the subject, she gets real quiet. I’ve talked to her friends about this and they say that she DOES want to have sex with me. I think she’d just be embarassed to discuss stuff like this to me, but I KNOW that she does feel the same way. But howcan I get her to feel more comfortable about this?

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16 Answers

dynamicduo's avatar

Well first off realize you can’t MAKE her feel the same way. She’s obviously uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage but simply hasn’t told you. Maybe she’s annoyed/scared/frustrated at your constant hounding for sex. Maybe she’s a virgin and she’s heard horror stories of the first time. No one but her knows for sure. But one thing for sure, you are not happy in the relationship, and that in of itself regardless of the topic should be when partners sit down and talk together to reach a compromise. That is pretty much the nature of a relationship. If my partner refused to talk about the issue, I would see that as a reflection on their commitment to my happiness and thus the happiness of both partners.

I would approach her sometime when you are together but not really stressed out (hint, not during exam period) and tell her you need to have a serious discussion about sex, and it won’t be put off, it needs to happen now. If she tries to push it off or slick out, stand firm. If she won’t talk, well she’ll listen, so at least express how you are feeling about this issue. Avoid using “you”, like “you make me feel” and “your lack of X”, instead use “I”, like “I feel” and “I need more of X”.

But before this, you should think about how you want this to proceed. If she continues to refuse to talk about the issue, will you end things with her? Will you want to take a break? Will you want to go to couples counseling? Just make sure you know what you want to happen, and you know what you will do if the ideal conversation doesn’t happen. This prevents you from being flustered and ending the conversation with no resolution, thus perpetuating this issue forever.

Two years is too long to be embarrassed about talking with a partner about anything in my opinion. Like I said we don’t know WHY she’s so shy about it, but there is a reason, and once you find that reason it will be easier to approach sex in a way that makes her comfortable.

laureth's avatar

Perhaps she’s not ready. If she’s a virgin, she might be waiting for marriage. She might be embarrassed. Either way, it sounds like she’s not ready to discuss it, and I’m willing to bet that bringing it up with a kind of forceful tone (if that’s what you’re doing at home) is not going to win her heart or remove her bra.

Besides, if she’s feeling that she’s not ready to talk about it, the sex probably won’t be that good. It’s better (imho) when both participants are hot, willing, and ready for it – not when one is doing it out of guilt or angst.

Here’s my advice. Perhaps she is embarrassed to talk out loud herself, but it’s time to bring it up anyway, and maybe she would be open to simply letting you talk while she listens. But I wouldn’t start with “It’s been two years and, baby, I got needs…”—I’d start with how much the relationship means to you, how you’ve grown to really love her (if that’s the truth) and how much you want to please her, and that while you’re willing to wait as long as she wants, perhaps you can do something to show her how much you love her… like rubbing her feet, or making her dinner, or… or…

You have to make her want it because she wants it, not because you want it. She has to be totally ready. It needs to be special. It shouldn’t be an ultimatum, it should be a treat.

If it’s been two years, there must be a big reason why. Two years is a long time to wait. Rather than taking a sledgehammer to that big reason, gently defuse it as if it were a ticking bomb. It takes a light and careful touch, but the results are so much more worth it. And if, after all that, she still doesn’t want to—back off. And stay backed off.

The best bet is to plant the suggestion and give it time to grow. I heard somewhere that one good way is to behave as if your junk got shot off in the war – until SHE is ready, and then let her know it was there all the time. :)

afghanmoose's avatar

start talking to her,if the moods right kiss her neck,then she will make her move,if not then the time is not right,hope that helps.

tocutetolive90's avatar

She may be ready, but worried about it. It happened with my boyfriend and me. We wanted to do it, but i was worried, and kept changing my mind. Just tell her how you feel and ask her what she thinks about your feelings. Even if she cant tell you, she will think about it and later on you can ask her if she thought about what you said. Like a couple days later. It’s a hard subject for must people. You just have to help her know its okay and you know she may be worried. But you love her and you really don’t want to hurt her and just want to take it to the next step and going to the next step won’t change anything.

shadling21's avatar

Talk to her about it!
The advice of the people above is great. I especially thought laureth’s was insightful. If you discuss it and decide she’s not ready for sex, then at least you’ve planted the idea.

Make sure that neither of you take sex too seriously. I mean, be serious about protection, but keep it fun. You don’t want to do it out of obligation. You could even make it a game, so that when she decides she’s ready for sex, she can say a random word to let you know. Just don’t make sex seem like a scary obstacle you have to pass. Rather, it’s a chance for both of you to explore and connect to each other in a new way.

aprilsimnel's avatar

How old are you two? If you’re both over 18, that’s one thing and then I’d wonder about how much longer this relationship’s going to last. But if you’re still in high school, then perhaps she has other considerations that are precluding her from being sexual with you, like her parents’ opinions on the subject. How far have you gone already?

In any event, you have a choice to make, because you can’t control her feelings or behavior, and no one should do something simply because someone else wants them to. Talk to her in a non-urgent, non-confrontational way about how you feel and what you would like. Find out what’s making her uncomfortable. If she’s not having it, then weigh what your needs are and do what’s best for yourself. Either way, it’ll be OK. Good luck.

Jeruba's avatar

I’m afraid I have a different view. If sex were about talk, I might still be a virgin. Well, no, probaby not—but it would have taken a lot longer. I was sexually active for at least a decade before I could talk about it. I had a very narrow religious upbringing and that led to a lot of conflict, and I was too innocent even to have any idea of how to talk about it. But when it came to doing it—well, I was right there.

Surely you do have some physical contact?—touching, kissing, embracing? I would suggest very gently extending your range of attention. Gently, but not without passion. It mustn’t be clinical, but at the same time, you are not going for rape. You want to arouse her to respond and get her more fully involved, not overpower her.

You must choose a time that is romantic and a place that is comfortable and secure—where she will neither get pine needles in her hair nor springs in her back, and she won’t be worrying about being discovered by strangers, or worse, family.

What you might talk about is where to go together. Not what to do there, just where to go and when. If she gets the idea that this will be an opportunity for intimacy, she can react to that and not have to talk explicitly about, you know, the other thing.

shadling21's avatar

@Jeruba- That’s a good point, but I’d make sure that the girl knows that she can stop it at any time. If she isn’t comfortable with having sex yet, then that can add problems to a relationship.

These two have been together for a long time. I’m not much of a romantic, so I think that communicating these things verbally is important.

How about this: Get her in a romantic mood, verbalize your desires a bit, then ask the girl if she’d rather skip the talking.

galileogirl's avatar

OMG-This is why we have to have good sex education in schools and make it mandatory in order to progress to the next grade. This question was being asked in 1908, 1808 etc.

It was probably being asked by Levi Johnson in November 2007 when his future (?) m-i-l Sarah Palin was leaving sex education to the parents.

Most alarming anybody who knows so little about human sexuality is too immature to participate in it.

Jeruba's avatar

@shadling21, yes, certainly—thank you for that addition. And your suggestion is good.

You know, we are assuming these folks are teenagers, but they could be 30. They could be 50. It seems to me that an older couple is more likely than a pair of youngsters to go together for two years and still be postponing sex.

@galileogirl, I can’t agree. Knowledge is preferable to ignorance, yes, of course. But it can’t be a prerequisite. Not many generations ago purity and innocence were highly desirable in a bride, and young women still managed to become happy wives and mothers. I am not advocating for naivete, just saying that natural processes don’t wait on credentials. I would say that you can be mature enough (which is a matter of inner growth) without being educated (which is a matter of external exposure). Being gently led by someone who cares for you and is sensitive to your feelings is a good kind of education in itself. Seeing it all in the abstract first can be not only desensitizing but scary.

dynamicduo's avatar

I do agree that comprehensive sex education needs to be a part of schooling, but it certainly should not be the only source of education kids get. As with all knowledge, it should be shared and people should be free to make their own decisions with the facts.

galileogirl's avatar

Jeruba: This guy isn’t sensitively leading anyone anywhere. He wants sex and is asking thousands of people how to get it. He evidently can’t talk to the object of his affection (?) about how she feels when it is really a subject only they have an interest in. BTW I referred to an ignorance of sexuality not an ignorance of sex. Anyone can figure out the mechanics of putting tab B in slot A. It is more important to understand the ramifications of entering into a sexual relationship for both parties. If this kid is more than 16, I will eat my laptop. He hasn’t got a clue but he better get one.

shadling21's avatar

@galileo- Yum! Silicon-y goodness.

Can we please stop making judgments about mdowen7? He (she?) hasn’t really told us much. He wants sex, yes, and is asking thousands of people how to get it. He’s also told the world that he’s been dating this girl for two years. If he wants to continue the relationship (and develop it) then taking our advice could help him.

How can anyone tell if his intention is honorable or not? The best we can do, as Flutherites, is to offer advice based on the scenario given, not criticize the user based on assumptions we’ve made about him (or her- we don’t even know this user’s gender).

abibakar's avatar

it’s better to hold the sexual relationship after you and her officially become husband and wife

MrItty's avatar

…. you talked to her friends about wanting to have sex with her? What the hell? How about you friggin respect her?

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