General Question

steve6's avatar

Would you tell your wife about a sexual affair if it ended?

Asked by steve6 (2559points) November 29th, 2008

The affair is over. No one knows. No way will she find out.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

168 Answers

JoeyDesignsStuff's avatar

I would hope that, if I married someone, I’d feel safe enough with them to talk about it. The fact that I had an affair in the first place kind of suggests otherwise though.

But I’d want to know if she had one, so I’d definitely try to tell her.

lynzeut's avatar

Yes, marriages are based on trust. It’s not fair to keep something like that from a significant other. You may think you are sparing your marriage but all you would be doing is driving the wedge further. Like Joey said wouldn’t you want to know?

willbrawn's avatar

yes do it, if you dont tell then i see it ending anyways.

Whos to say it wouldnt happen again. I mean it happened once.

It will drive you two apart slowly, and she wouldnt know why. Thats worse in my opinion.

alive's avatar

she’s your wife. “telling or not telling” shouldn’t even be a question. marriage is a partnership, you can’t keep secrets from your partner. further, as adults we need to all live with the choices we make. especially if it is a choice that affects others, they deserve to know. if someone choses to have an affair then the ball is in their partner’s court now – otherwise you just aren’t “playing fair.”

steve6's avatar

What if you really loved your wife and telling her would crush her because she has no other family left?

alive's avatar

how can you say “really love someone” who has no other family left and still have the affair knowing it would crush her? that ain’t love.

kevbo's avatar

I say no don’t tell her, especially if it’s over. What good will come of it? Just focus on treating her better and make sure you’re not bringing anything home. (If you did get something, that’s different.)

Save it for a day when/if it becomes a relevant topic of conversation in your relationship.

Also, the decision to not tell for many men often comes from a decision to end an affair and stay with a spouse (with the opposite action correlating to plan B), so I would suspect that your inclination to keep it mum is normal.

chelseababyy's avatar

I agree with willbrawn.

Also, i’m pretty sure even if she has no family left, not telling her or even lying about it would hurt her more. That shouldn’t even be catagorized as a reason why you wouldn’t tell her. If you’re the only one she has left, she is gonna expect a lot from you, that includes the truth. Even if it’s gonna hurt her.

asmonet's avatar

You’re putting her and yourself at risk.
She has a right to know and you have an obligation to tell her.

Man up. Your comment about ‘crushing’ her is a rationalization for your own behaviors. You do not and can not predict how she will take news of this gravity.

chelseababyy's avatar

@asmonet, well said.

steve6's avatar

I’m inclined to agree with kevbo. Why punish her when the rest of her life could continue with her being happy.

asmonet's avatar

@kevbo: Consider this, perhaps telling her would cause her to evaluate her marriage for better or worse and both, now fully informed can make a decision as to the future of their relationship based on honesty. It isn’t fair to her. It might hurt, hell it will. A lot. But living in ignorance with (potential) chlamydia or god knows what is not bliss. Never mind the marital kind.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

When a spouse has an affair, even if they think they are getting away with it, the cheated-upon spouse usually knows something is wrong, even if they’re not sure exactly what’s going on. Sometimes they choose to ignore it, and hope it will blow over.

Knowing about an affair does not mean the end of a marriage, but it takes a really big person to take a cheater back. Regardless, counseling is in order to address all of the issues that led to cheating in the first place.

Not telling because you don’t want to hurt her does not make up for being less the man than she deserves in the first place. Just because she doesn’t know, doesn’t make it okay that you ended the relationship. Eventually, she will find out.

chelseababyy's avatar

Punish her? She has a right to know. A RIGHT. It’s her life too, she’s a part of this marriage. Having an affair is selfish, and not telling her is even more selfish. Maybe think about she could feel for once. She deserves someone who can give we what he needs, like loyalty. And since you obviously can’t give that to to her atleast give her the right to find someone who WILL.

chelseababyy's avatar

Sorry for the typos *she, not he

—stupid iPod-

steve6's avatar

Part of the original question stated that she will not find out. Let’s just say that is a given, for the sake of this discussion.

chelseababyy's avatar

Doesn’t matter if she will or won’t find out. I stand by what I said. Be a man for once in your life and tell her.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

She will find out. Secrets like this are not kept.

asmonet's avatar

@alfreda: Word.

You’re kidding yourself if you think this can be kept. Sooner or later it will come out. That cannot be a given for the sake of this discussion, or for the sake of your conscience.

Again, I repeat, man up.

And you cannot possibly believe you will be able to give your all to this woman in the future if you don’t come clean. Those two actions are mutually exclusive.

chelseababyy's avatar

Oh and @kevbo…

Focus on treating her better?

Shouldn’t he have done that in the first place?!

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

My husband has no clue that I know he’s having an affair with someone he works with.

steve6's avatar

What if she had already had an affair, ended it, didn’t know I knew about it, I said nothing because I’m the only family she has, we are happy, she is beautiful, sexy, extremely intelligent and charming.

chelseababyy's avatar

If she is all those things why would you have an affair!?

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

kevbo's avatar

@alfreda, so why haven’t you brought this burning truth to light to rightly test the mettle of your marriage?

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

So, in the relationship, monogamy is not important? Is that what you’re saying? You are both agreeing that being faithful to the other is not an important factor in marriage? Then why did you ask the question in the first place?

trumi's avatar

It’s funny that you consider yourself strong enough to keep this secret from her, “for her own good”, but are clearly weak enough to have an affair when you claim to love her so much.

asmonet's avatar

“we are happy, she is beautiful, sexy, extremely intelligent and charming.”

Then what the fuck were you doing fucking around?

I’m resisting the very strong temptation to call you some very choice names.

chelseababyy's avatar

@trumi, he’s apparently also to weak to man up and let her find someone who can treat her right.
Seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

arent greed and lust 2 of the Seven Deadly Sins… Hmm

steve6's avatar

I asked the question in the first place because I usually end up telling her everything. She is my confidant. It is hard not to tell her. Even if I try to keep secrets from her it will bleed out in the conversation.

asmonet's avatar

Then there’s your answer.

She will find out. You just proved me right, she will discover this secret, by your actions. And your weak convictions. Better you act like an adult and hold yourself accountable and throw yourself at her mercy than lie and hide the way children do.

Just because she also had an affair and has not been forthcoming with that information does not mean you’re barred from stepping up and doing right by her.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@kevbo, because in 28 years of marriage, I have had to take responsibility for everything. And I don’t want to be the one to have to do all the work to get a divorce. If he wants the marriage to end, then I want him to be the one to figure out how to do it.

kevbo's avatar

I guess we all have our rationalizations then.

elchoopanebre's avatar

This is a tough one. You have to do what you feel is right. People telling you to do something one way or the other know far less about the situation than you do.

Personally, if I had a spouse who cheated on me I’d rather not know.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

How did I find out? A friend of his inadvertently told me. He brought over a printout of a e-mail with directions to an annual camping trip, and left it on the kitchen table. There was a reference to my husband and this other person in the e-mail.

steve6's avatar

@asmonet, She never found out I knew about her affair. It is difficult to lie but it can be done. Again, for the sake of this discussion, let us assume that she will never know. Never!

chelseababyy's avatar

You’d rather be lied to and walked all over?

….just…wow.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@kevbo, I stopped sleeping with him as soon as I found out.

chelseababyy's avatar

@steve6 you can’t saythat for the sake of this discussion shell never know and yet say youll probably tell her

SoapChef's avatar

Wow!
1. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
2. I find it sad and fascinating that this question has elicited such a huge response (myself included).
3. Alfreda, I am sincerely sorry you are having to deal with this.
4. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

trumi's avatar

@steve: I’m sorry, sir. I recognize that I am a young man that has not known the pressures of marriage, but I do not care for your mentality. It sounds like you truly care about this woman, but have what seems to be very little remorse about this affair. I find that very sad.

I hope you become the man she needs you to be, or else that she finds that man in someone else.

I’m going to not say some of the other things I would like to say. Some things that my grandfather would say. Down the barrel of a shotgun. Instead, I say good night.

chelseababyy's avatar

@trumi, he shouldn’t have to BECOME the man she deserves, he should have been that from the beginning.

lynzeut's avatar

Could you live with yourself even if she never found out? Also, if she had an affair maybe she isn’t as happy with you as you think and telling her about your affair would be a way out for both of you.

asmonet's avatar

@steve: I’m interested to see a response to the other point I had:

“Better you act like an adult and hold yourself accountable and throw yourself at her mercy than lie and hide the way children do.

Just because she also had an affair and has not been forthcoming with that information does not mean you’re barred from stepping up and doing right by her.”

steve6's avatar

That is the crux of the question. The only way she will know is if I tell her. Should I continue to suffer with the secrets of both our affairs in order to maintain the iconic relationship we both enjoy.

trumi's avatar

You’re not listening to any of us. You’re just arguing with yourself.

That is called Yahoo Answers, my friend. This is not the place.

steve6's avatar

@trumi, I thought you went to bed with the Mossberg.

lynzeut's avatar

I would never leave myself in an ionic relationship, I expect much more for myself than that. But that may be just my personal opinion

trumi's avatar

I summon the great powers of Gailcalled as I attempt to ignore temptation and rise above petty arguments. Guide me, oh sensei.

asmonet's avatar

@trumi: Seriously. This is going nowhere. :/

@steve: Hell no. Your ‘iconic’ relationship is nothing but a lie. You both know at least part of that lie. You both deserve to know the full extent of it.

I’m going to bed, I will continue to scold you in the morning. Adieu!

steve6's avatar

@trumi, Who is she? She wrote to me an interesting letter the other night in response to another question.

asmonet's avatar

@steve: She is like the Mother Hen of Fluther, she is Ben’s aunt I believe, she has been here since the beginning. She is your boss.

lynzeut's avatar

She is the “senior” member of Fluther so to say. The all knowing with impeccable taste. and couth to boot

asmonet's avatar

She’s also incredibly well loved and well spoken.

steve6's avatar

How many responses do good questions generally garner?

trumi's avatar

RESTAINT, TRUMAN, RESTAINT!!!

lynzeut's avatar

@ Steve I hope you are implying that this question is hypothetical and not real.

steve6's avatar

It is a great question isn’t it?

lynzeut's avatar

Well it made a fuss if that is what you are going for. It’s good to see people still have morals.

steve6's avatar

“It is difficult to lie but it can be done.”

Response moderated
lynzeut's avatar

Well, I’m not going to pat you on the back or anything. It’s not really an accomplishment in my books.

steve6's avatar

Don’t take it too hard. It was a great psychological experiment.

lynzeut's avatar

Ya, but at who’s expense? I think it may have been yours! I think you have a few haters now.

trumi's avatar

No, it was either an asshole that cheated on his wife or an asshole that was bored and still thinks its okay to theoretically cheat on his wife. That’s not an experiment, that’s an enema.

steve6's avatar

Just fighting the boredom.

lynzeut's avatar

Now that the elephant is out of the closet, I am curious to hear what you would personally do.

trumi's avatar

“stops following”

steve6's avatar

I’ve been married for fifteen years and never cheated and would probably slip up and tell her if I did have an affair.

lynzeut's avatar

I think that slipping up better describes having an affair than telling the truth, don’t you?

steve6's avatar

@lynzeut, yes

SoapChef's avatar

I think your “experiment” demonstrates that you are someone that can’t be trusted. By the way, you are seriously pushing the envelope here.

steve6's avatar

Pushing what envelope?

JoeyDesignsStuff's avatar

Goodness gracious, can we not have a discussion without barking judgments at people? Give your opinion, don’t condemn the guy. Hypothetical or not.

lynzeut's avatar

I didn’t know that hypothetical questions were not allowed. Did you?

augustlan's avatar

Hypothetical or not…here’s my answer to the original question. While I feel you should never lie to a spouse, every bit of professional (marriage counselers/shrinks/etc) advice I’ve ever read or heard suggests otherwise. From what I’ve understood, if an affair is over, it is better not to tell your spouse, and is most often done to ease the cheater’s conscience, not as a ‘favor’ to the innocent spouse. I personally would still want to know, but I can’t say for sure that every wife would.

@Alfreda: Sorry about your situation. That sucks.

steve6's avatar

@augustlan, I am impressed someone with an informed opinion finally answered the question after 200 responses. Thank you.

SoapChef's avatar

This envelope. “Don’t take it too hard. It was a great psychological experiment.”

steve6's avatar

Was it a great question?

lynzeut's avatar

It was thought provoking.

augustlan's avatar

It may have been a little rage provoking, too.

steve6's avatar

It certainly wasn’t lurve provoking.

lynzeut's avatar

Is that all you were after? Maybe next time ask a question that brings happy feelings instead of hostile ones.

steve6's avatar

I just thought of a question off the top of my head because the board had been moving slow. I wanted to see if I could ilicit responses to liven up the evening.

lynzeut's avatar

Well you lit it on fire.

steve6's avatar

I am a writer/author by the way. It was good practice and cleared my head of my novel.

kevbo's avatar

FYI, you should state hypothetical questions as such more clearly. You’ll save yourself and others unnecessary ire and maintain your credibility. People get torqued when they assume they’re helping someone with a real problem only to find out it’s just a “what if?”

steve6's avatar

No one would be interested if they didn’t feel invested.

steve6's avatar

Case in point: similar question followed mine, got lurve for great question but not many responses because it wasn’t life or death.

mote's avatar

Shouldn’t a so-called “writer-author” know the difference between ilicit and elicit?

lynzeut's avatar

I knew it was hypothetical from the time you said “What if she had already had an affair, ended it, didn’t know I knew about it, I said nothing because I’m the only family she has, we are happy, she is beautiful, sexy, extremely intelligent and charming” You changed the terms of the question, and some one trying to justify their actions would have listed this as a justification…there was also the “she would NEVER find out.” And I was still invested.

steve6's avatar

I was wondering of the spelling. Is there a spell check on this site?

steve6's avatar

I had to evolve the question to keep people interested. That’s where the writing comes in to play.

augustlan's avatar

No spell check on the site. Most browsers have one built in, but not mine : (

I keep a dictionary handy at all times! and still screw up

babygalll's avatar

You probably already told her if she is on fluther.

steve6's avatar

If anyone’s still observing this is a psychological experiment to judge the collective reaction to infidelity.

Trustinglife's avatar

I’m with kevbo. When it’s a hypothetical situation, say so. It may be entertaining for you to see the reactions a question can provoke, but it isn’t for the people who get involved.

There are many things on this site that I find “interesting.” but when someone asks a personal question, I want to help. Mixing the two, the way you did here, annoys me. Please be upfront – if you want to continue to receive the benefit of the doubt from the community.

steve6's avatar

When I first asked the question it wasn’t written in the first person. I just wanted to know what the majority of people would do. I had no idea so many responses were forthcoming.

Trustinglife's avatar

I thought you were just not wanting to be fully revealing, but this was in fact your situation. I looked for your initial responses, and you “led us on,” as if it were a real situation for you.

You keep referring to the large number of responses. To me, that doesn’t make it a great question. Especially since you misled us to think it were a real question, not a hypothetical one. Do you really think that just because the question wasn’t in the first person, that we’d assume it was hypothetical – especially after you encouraged us?

At first I was sympathetic to your situation, especially with all the harsh responses. Now I’m just feeling jerked around by you. But you’re new here, and I’m willing to give you another chance.

My take is that there is a place for interesting, hypothetical questions here. And there is a place for honest, personal questions. Just don’t mix the two like you did here, or you will piss me and others off.

steve6's avatar

I said over and over “for the purposes of this discussion” and she will never find out is a “given”. I changed the question completely to gain insight into people’s thinking. I don’t believe I would have gotten the same results had I not used these methods to probe the psyche. The amazing majority was the result of the genuine concern for the wife if not for the husband even though he was cheated on first. How do you explain that uneveness of judgement?

asmonet's avatar

I say, you’re a liar who is now backpedaling.

Even if I’m wrong, you still have a shameful existence. You’re either jerking us around or a spouse. And you seem to justify either action for yourself to us.

To answer your question about the ‘unevenness of judgment’ it’s because we were asked about your end, and so responded to your half. If you had any experience or insight into the psyche you would know you just carried out a pretty worthless ‘experiment’. As we were given details little by little and you were contradictory. Backpedaling…

chelseababyy's avatar

Wow, I see I missed a lot when I got off last night…

@asmonet, once again, well said… LYING…BACKPEDALING

dynamicduo's avatar

Wow. I’m so glad I wasn’t on the site last night to see this play out.

Steve, this site doesn’t exist for your entertainment or amateur attempts at psychological probing. It exists to give help to those who come asking questions. Unless questions are noted as being hypothetical, we assume they are true and answer as such. Personally I do not like to be deceived, and had I known I spent time giving you a well thought out answer just to have you say it was “research”, I would be very pissed off. Now that I see you don’t care for this community or the time of the members in it, I will make sure to never answer any of your further questions.

PS: The concern for the wife was because you are not worthy of any concern. A cheater who is fine with never telling his wife the truth? That’s a Slimeball, capital S! No kidding we’re concerned for your wife, seeing as you have no concern for her wellbeing, someone should have some.

fireside's avatar

Generally, human experiments require the participant’s acknowledgment and approval.

steve6's avatar

A placebo doesn’t work if the participant knows it is a placebo.

fireside's avatar

That’s prescription drugs, not psychological experiments.

steve6's avatar

We studied placebo my first semester psychology. You are splitting hairs.

fireside's avatar

When you do use placebos during testing, you usually have a control group and a group that is given the real medicine. Both groups know that they are participating in an experiment.

steve6's avatar

Again, a placebo doesn’t work if that half knows it is a placebo. People’s responses were genuine and I am laughing if one more person complains of the anguish they suffered while they were joyously typing away their “amateur attempts at psychological” advice.

asmonet's avatar

You missed the point of placebos entirely, placebos are given to one group and not the other. Both groups are made aware they may receive a placebo, or real medication.

Everyone is aware that a placebo is a very real possibility in their treatment.

steve6's avatar

While I have endured all cuss words and criticism I again and finally I hope state yes they know it is a possibility but what makes it work is they don’t know.

fireside's avatar

What was your control group for your experiment?

steve6's avatar

Those of you who suspected that my story was fiction.

asmonet's avatar

Okay…that was a gibberish sentence. Moving on, why are you still trying to act like you planned this all along? You have almost no credibility here if you have any at all. You say in your profile you are a scientist, but you don’t understand basic experiment procedures, you also asked some Chemistry questions that most high school kids know in the first week of class. And you’ve been contradicting yourself. Just. Stop. Seriously.

fireside's avatar

Sounds more like you are passing off situational observation for a psychological experiment. No big deal, just wrong. And a bit sad.

What was the conclusion to your experiment?

steve6's avatar

asmonet, what chemistry questions?
fireside, yes my original goal was to see what per cent would confess to their wives but since so many responded I had to augment my question adding my wife’s infidelity and discovered that the husband was still the bad guy even though she cheated first.

asmonet's avatar

These questions.

You didn’t discover anything, I really, truly cannot see how you think any of this was a legitimate observation of human nature. Of any kind. It’s so incredibly flawed I don’t know where to begin.

Also, how does the number of responses relate to the nature of the question? What about the volume of responses made you think changing the terms of the question entirely was warranted? And what made you think anything would change, at all?

You also keep changing your speech. ” I had to augment my question adding my wife’s infidelity” implies that it is real, and then you go back to referring to the parties involved as ‘the husband’ and ‘the wife’. You can’t use possessive’s if you want to be convincing to us.

You can’t even keep your own thoughts in order.

fireside's avatar

I guess the thing I got out it was that the older men who responded seemed to prefer not to know if their wife was cheating on them, but that women of all ages would want to know if their husband was or had cheated on them.

steve6's avatar

It wasn’t intended to be an experiment, my wife and I were just watching TV and the question came up so I asked it on Fluther just to see what a few people would say. To confess or not confess, that is the question. I didn’t expect over 100 answers nor did I expect to be cursed and damned to a hellish existence.

asmonet's avatar

“Don’t take it too hard. It was a great psychological experiment.” -steve6

fireside's avatar

It wasn’t intended to be an experiment, my wife and I were just watching TV and the question came up so I asked it on Fluther just to see what a few people would say. To confess or not confess, that is the question. I didn’t expect over 100 answers nor did I expect to be cursed and damned to a hellish existence.

Ok, so now at least we can confirm that asmonet was right with: “I say, you’re a liar who is now backpedaling.”

But that’s okay, you’re new. The point is that by presenting yourself the way you did, you are no better than the mother who harassed the teenager in her neighborhood over MySpace which led to her suicide.

Just be honest, the monitor and keyboard is not an excuse to misrepresent yourself.

steve6's avatar

asmonet, bravo, thank you.

asmonet's avatar

Once again, you’re missing the point of the argument.

@fireside: Mmmyep. Thanks.

steve6's avatar

Okay, if all else fails I will invoke poetic license.

fireside, you are an idiot for making that murderous conclusion and I resent it. My subjects were my wife and myself, with her permission. You are a fool.

chelseababyy's avatar

@steve6

“While I have endured all cuss words and criticism I again and finally I hope state yes they know it is a possibility but what makes it work is they don’t know.”

You asked for it, you asked for the criticism by being a spiteful, lying, JOKE.
That’s what you are, a joke.

asmonet's avatar

@steve: Says the black pot to the shiny kettle.

steve6's avatar

The only problem I have with any exchange I’ve had is the link to the suicide. I feel I am owed an apology for that foolish remark. I enjoyed all the other foolish remarks everyone else has made, and there have been a few nice remarks that I duly lurved.

dynamicduo's avatar

You aren’t owed any apology. You’re dicking around with the community and now calling us names, you should be apologizing to us for wasting our time.

PS: I accidentally gave one of your comments lurve while trying to get to your profile, but there’s no way for me to take it back. I just wanted to let you know that the last 5 lurve you got were not real, and wanted everyone to know that the only lurve he was given in this thread was totally accidental. It’s Unlurve if you would.

fireside's avatar

In all fairness, I was a bit harsh since you weren’t being intentionally malicious.
I should have said, “not much better than…”

All in all, I’m okay with being a fool if that is the case, because at least I’m an honest one.

You really didn’t waste my time, I just thought I’d point out your faulty definition of an experiment. The fact of the mater is that this was a good question if it had been presented honestly it would have been taken much differently.
That’s what you don’t seem to get.

What if your wife spent the night explaining to you that she had an affair and then the next morning told you she was just yanking your chain?

steve6's avatar

@fireside, Thanks for the clarification. What I don’t understand is why people are acting so upset when I am certain that this thread was the most enjoyable of the day. I know all the complainers enjoyed every minute of their board time. If this weren’t true there wouldn’t be a recent record number of responses. I feel I deserve more lurve than I got and I think almost every single responder did it so frequently and with such gusto that they should all check “great question”. Go try conversing with someone else and you will see that it doesn’t get any better than this. Thank you.

gailcalled's avatar

@Steveb; If nothing else, your writing needs work before you seek a publisher. (And perhaps your head needs to unswell since you are using nouns as verbs, willy-nilly.)

I have been on some medical trials and was always told that 50% of the volunteers would be given a placebo, although the doctors did not know who took what.

(And for what it’s worth, adieu (go with God) means “fairwell forever.Au revoir (till we see each other again)means that I’ll be back.)

On this site, we appreciate a “head’s up” if you are asking a hypothetical question.

steve6's avatar

It is only important that the patient not know of the placebo, the doctor is inconsequential.

gailcalled's avatar

Wrong. My oncologists did not know. Neither did the office administrators…on either trial I participated in.

fireside's avatar

My understanding is that the doctors should not know because they may unconsciously act differently around one of the groups. They would also be more subject to personal bias when analyzing results.

gailcalled's avatar

“In a double-blind experiment, neither the individuals nor the researchers know who belongs to the control group and the experimental group. Only after all the data are recorded (and in some cases, analyzed) do the researchers learn which individuals are which.:” http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/Double+blind+studies

steve6's avatar

I only meant in the context I was using placebo. You all have blown it way out of proportion. All have made a mountain out of a mole hill. I’m not talking about double-blind studies. I’m simply talking about one person receiving a placebo (ficticious scenario of original question) so this person would write a more heartfelt response than if they knew the story was fake.

gailcalled's avatar

Ah, Stevie: Take your lumps, learn a little something, have a small chuckle and return to fight another day. (“they” needs a plural antecedent.)

steve6's avatar

I’ve been laughing for twelve hours. I find it humorous that so many people can be so negative. From the very beginning, all the responses were to hang me when they believed I cheated on my wife, so I changed the question and made her the cheater. They still wanted to hang me. Not one person lay any guilt on my wife. When I told them it was fake… hang me higher. The funny thing is the story is true. It is about a friend of mine. Why so hesitant to blame the wife?

chyna's avatar

@steve6 I’d say no one really cares at this point.

steve6's avatar

I hope not.

elchoopanebre's avatar

Wow.

This thread shows the true colors of flutherers. (Mainly to the responses steve 6 got).

People treat their opinions and convictions as gospel here and are real quick to get in an internet argument over how someone else should treat their wife.

THEN when they find out it was hypothetical they get all huffy and puffy. It’s the internet people, the internet. Let’s pick our battles a little more carefully…

steve6's avatar

Thank you for the voice of reason.

syz's avatar

I read the whole damn thread, and all I can say is, what a pain in the ass.

lynzeut's avatar

I just want to note for experimental purposes, I did not side with the wife.

” Also, if she had an affair maybe she isn’t as happy with you as you think and telling her about your affair would be a way out for both of you.”

gailcalled's avatar

So the story is true? No, it’s fake. Wait, it is true but about someone else?

wundayatta's avatar

People can ask real questions and call them hypothetical as easily as people can ask hypothetical questions and call them real.

I think the umbrage here is about being taken in. However, I don’t think anyone was taken in. You treat a question at face value, or at hidden value, as is your wont. Steve could still be lying, and it could be a real event, but he’s trying to save his internet ass.

There’s more heat than light, anyway. If anyone was serious about doing more than shooting off their judgemental mouths, they’d do a little research, or report on personal experience. I see almost none of that here.

Steve, in my opinion, it is a failed question. Yes, it got a lot of answers, but the answers, I’m afraid, weren’t worth much more than the pixels they throw on the screen.

As an experiment in how to jive people up, it’s boring, since we already know these kinds of questions will have this kind of impact.

There. Have I left anyone uninsulted? ;-)

steve6's avatar

A well crafted response if I ever read one.

gailcalled's avatar

Me. I no longer get riled up at anything (unless you insulted Milo. Then scratching posts at twenty yards).

wundayatta's avatar

@gailcalled: so give it up, what’ll it take to insult you?

shilolo's avatar

@Gail. I think I know a certain someone who could ruffle anyone’s feathers…

augustlan's avatar

@shilolo: Yeah, but he’s long gone, right?

gailcalled's avatar

Let us pray. I will now arise and go and go now to the movies: “I Served the King of England.”

asmonet's avatar

@daloon: “If anyone was serious about doing more than shooting off their judgemental mouths, they’d do a little research, or report on personal experience. I see almost none of that here.”

The question asked was “Would you tell your wife about a sexual affair if it ended?” which asks us our opinion, not for the facts we may have at our disposal. Not all questions beg for statistics, and I think this is one of them. The people on this board became annoyed with the poster when it became clear he was not receiving the answers he wanted and was tailoring the question to try to elicit those responses. Those actions on his part clued us in that what we had taken as a real situation had been made up for his small-minded amusement. By leading us to believe that it was a real woman whose life was being affected we as a group became invested in the story. However small that investment might be, to turn the tables and tell us it was a lie is disheartening to us all. It is not in line with the communities feel as a whole so yes, we took it personally. Sorry.

But I don’t think you can fault anyone for that, anyone but Steve that is.

Oh, and I love how someone maxed out their lurve on him. Very passive aggressive. Well done, indeed.

steve6's avatar

I thought it was you.

wundayatta's avatar

@asmonet: I take your point.

I guess that sometimes I see hidden questions behind the ostensible question. Hell, I see them all the time. Despite the fact that this question was designed to generate traffic (something it has been successful at, btw), it does seem to me that there is probably expert opinion about the question. Some people mentioned therapists urging clients not to tell.

Others, I know, say nothing can be accomplished between a couple without complete honesty. In fact, I was told, in most cases where the man confesses, the relationship doesn’t end at that point. I’m not sure about when it’s the woman who had the extramarital relationship.

In any case, it really doesn’t matter what Steve’s motives are in asking the question. We will talk about what interests us, and this question is interesting regardless of whether it reflects his personal experience or not.

kevbo's avatar

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_troll

and

Usage of the word is various. In some usage, a troll is a communication such as a usenet post, and a troller is the author of such communication. In media where communication isn’t discrete, a troll is the creator of such communication.

A troll is deliberately crafted to provoke others with the intention of wasting their time and energy. A troll is a time thief. To troll is to steal from people. That is what makes trolling heinous.

Trolls can be identified by their disengagement from a conversation or argument. They do not believe what they say, but merely say it for effect.

Trolls are motivated by a desire for attention by people and can’t or won’t acquire it in a productive manner.

Someone may be insufferable, infuriating, fanatical, and an ignorant idiot to boot without being a troll.

Also note that a troll isn’t necessarily insulting, snide, or even impolite. Only the crudest, most obvious, forms of trolling can be identified so easily.

If you find yourself patiently explaining, at length and in great detail, some obscure point to someone who isn’t even being polite to you, then you are probably being trolled.

from http://c2.com/cgi-bin/wiki?TrollDefinition

chelseababyy's avatar

I’m pretty much just speechless with all of this.

Trustinglife's avatar

@elcho, this isn’t just the Internet for me. It’s Fluther. I care about the community here, and I’m willing to stand up for keeping it a community worth caring about. That’s why I said what I did.

asmonet's avatar

@daloon: Well, we agree on some things it seems. :)

wundayatta's avatar

@asmonet, say it ain’t so, Joe. I find that judicious disagreement provides that “je ne sais” frisson that focuses the attention…. if not other things! ;-)

babygalll's avatar

Can someone clear something up? Did this situation really happen with steve6 or did he just make up the question for his own entertainment?

lynzeut's avatar

@babygalll the later.

gailcalled's avatar

(the latter)

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

This whole question and thread had me searching for how to delete my fluther account. Glad you were so amused, Steve. What else do you do for fun? Make fun of the handicapped? Gay bash?

steve6's avatar

A troll? That’s friendly.

fireside's avatar

I was wondering about that when I noticed your avatar missing, Alfreda.
Hope you’re okay.

shadling21's avatar

How on earth did I miss this one? Oh, the drama.

Steve, by creating a misleading hypothetical, you trivialized the very real troubles of Alfreda. The heated discussion was built up because of an imaginary villain (yourself) who wouldn’t listen to the answers to the question. Of course people will be mad at you for tricking them!

You may not be accustomed to trolling or familiar with the term, but that is what that behavior is called here on the Internet. It is not considered good Internet etiquette, and it destroys the trust that we build up here on Fluther. If our community is going to work toward something positive, we need to avoid relying on such volatile communication methods.

In answer to the original question… The (hypothetical) husband should tell the (hypothetical) wife.

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