General Question

SuperMouse's avatar

When can/should a divorce' start dating?

Asked by SuperMouse (30842points) December 14th, 2008

Is it once the papers are filed and the process has begun? Or should said divorcee’ wait until the divorce is final?

Note: This question does not necessarily relate to the asker’s actual life situation.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

28 Answers

Trustinglife's avatar

Not necessarily? Then you’re just curious, as a hypothetical?

augustlan's avatar

Whenever she wants to! I wouldn’t necessarily tell the kids about it though…

SuperMouse's avatar

@Trusting, ok it does refer to the asker’s real life. If it matters we’ve been separated for seven months. The good Catholic girl in me is still getting used to the whole idea – even though I KNOW it is the right thing to do.

emilyrose's avatar

I think if you’re separated you can date. Sometimes the papers take years and that doesn’t mean you have to stay home : )

augustlan's avatar

If you’re sure you’re not getting back together…go on a date for goodness sake!

girlofscience's avatar

Even if the divorce isn’t official, if the relationship of the marriage is officially broken up, I’d say you’re good to go.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

I would just be careful about letting the person you’re on a date with know (in due time) the situation. You don’t want to scare the person you’re on the date with, but you also don’t want to mislead them either.

Judi's avatar

My husband had been separated and living in a different town from his wife for about a year when we met. He just never got around to divorcing. It didn’t bother me at first, but when we started getting serious I told him I had no intention of pursuing a relationship with a married man and if he was going to stay married I was going to move on. He met with an attorney the next week.
I think that if the process has started then there is no problem dating. If you’re still trying to work it out it may not be a good idea.
Good luck to you on this new stage of your life.

wundayatta's avatar

Is this really about when you can publicly acknowledge you are seeing someone else, and the rest of your community won’t go crazy, and brand an A on your forehead?

I mean, if we care what others think, then there is no rule. For some people, any time is fine. For others, it will never be ok to date again (like your priest, unless you get an annulment).

I think this is a question you have to ask yourself. When will you feel ok about it? What conditions will have to be met for you to feel ok? If you never feel ok about it, you’ll have to accept that, and go on and do it anyway. Guilt is a wondrous thing, isn’t it? (that was sarcasm)

Truthfully, I think this can be a very hard time, even if you have been separated for a long time. You kind of have to reorient the way you think about yourself. No matter how bad it might have been, you were still that man’s husband. It will take a while to get over that, and truly be ready to move on with your whole heart and being.

cdwccrn's avatar

When you are sufficiently healed from the brokenness of your relationship and matured from the part you might have played in the dysfunction.

augustlan's avatar

@Daloon: I’m thinking she was that man’s wife ; )

wundayatta's avatar

@augustlan: huh?

augustlan's avatar

@Daloon: Re-read your last paragraph, above ^^

Judi's avatar

I didn’t catch it either! lol

Sloane2024's avatar

If not for morals, I’d refrain for the mere fact that it could hurt you legally. I know a lady who was in an extremely abusive relationship for many, many years. She finally decided to divorce the wretch, but she started dating another man only a few months after they separated. When the time finally rolled around for the papers to be signed and legalized in court, he was able to get the house, all of their possessions, and her retirement fund… all because he used the case that she “cheated” on him while they were still “married”.... It was an absolutely horrible situation…

Mizuki's avatar

Supermouse—it becomes ok to date the moment you decide he’s a no good slop and you are leaving. 30 seconds after that moment, you’re good to go, I mean, what are you saving it for?

SuperMouse's avatar

@Sloane, fortunately I live in a in fault state.

MacBean's avatar

They should start dating when they feel ready. Unless they live in one of those freakin’ absurd states like the one Sloane mentioned where it’s considered cheating until the divorce is completely final. In which case it’s in their best interest to wait until then, even if they’re ready before.

SuperMouse's avatar

Oops! I meant to say I live in a no fault state.

Judi's avatar

If you live in a fault state then I wouldn’t do anything without consulting your attorney.

Judi's avatar

then I take it back.

cak's avatar

Supermouse, Judi is correct, especially since you live in a fault state. In the state where I live, those conditions are generally stipulated in the paperwork. My separation agreement stated, specifically, that dating was permitting from the date of the official (court) separation date; however, it was also specified that no one was to sleep over – especially when the child was in the house. Now, I didn’t seem to have a problem with that issue (the sleepover part), clearly, my ex couldn’t seem to handle that stipulation – even though his attorney wanted it in the paperwork. I think that had more to do with the fact that he was trying to keep from paying anything…including child support.

I can’t remember is NC is a no-fault, but to be safe, in any state, get it in writing when dating is permitted!

Mizuki's avatar

Does the paperwork need to stipulate which acts are allowed vs those not allowed? Oral, OK, vaginal not so much, anal fer sure not, group sex yes ect…must be some interesting paperwork….

cak's avatar

@mizuki – it’s not unheard of to include that in a separation, in fact, in custody cases, where I live, it’s more common, than not. I’m sure my ex thought I would be seeking alimony, but I didn’t. If I did seek it and I did have grounds, if I had broken that condition, it would have voided any claim to alimony. It was all about the money – on his side. On my side, it was to protect her (my daughter) from the constant parade of women in and out of his bed.

Mizuki's avatar

@ Cak—this is what i love about America

turtlegrrrl's avatar

as soon as a divorce is agreed upon you’re fair game honey!!!!

elspethe's avatar

I think it is most proper to wait until the divorce is final…and then some…but that is indeed
not how it usually goes. Did for me, but not former husband!

I also would like to believe many marriages are still salvageable, even if somebody has filed the papers. A sidebar relationship could distract from truly rational decision-making and perhaps reparable attentions to the marriage.

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