General Question

nikipedia's avatar

Can you have a successful first date with no goodnight kiss?

Asked by nikipedia (27531points) January 3rd, 2009

Or does that mean one or both parties was not feeling it?

Also, is the three-day rule still in effect or have we as a society evolved past that? Does the absence of a follow up call/text the day after the first date suggest, again, one or both parties was not into it?

Can women be too forward? Is that a turn off? Are we still supposed to be all coy and opaque and pretend not to be interested in sex?

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49 Answers

asmonet's avatar

I think a hug is honestly more common nowadays. I think the followup is simply polite, if no one calls me or texts me by the next day, I’m not impressed. Three days later, kind of irks me. In a world with so many immediate returns, it’s expected.

srmorgan's avatar

G-d, my first answer was yes. but I have been married for 26 years. What do I know?


gailcalled's avatar

MY last first date (If you know what I mean) was when I was 64. We were all over each other and in bed soon thereafter. Time was marching on for us, I know. And I had known him in Jr and Sr High School. I’m sure that that’s not very helpful.

Did you feel any sparks or physical attraction? I think that the older one is, the sillier the rules are (except for condoms.)

TheBox193's avatar

lol, I wouldn’t know, never had a date.

DrBill's avatar

The first date should come to an end by mutual consent, and the kiss, if there is one should be natural, not forced by either party.

As far as the three day rule, the lady I’m with, and myself, went six. Neither one pushed the other and it happened when it happened.

nikipedia's avatar

G: Not exactly fireworks, but I guess I thought there was enough tension there to merit a kiss. Is 24 old enough to eschew the rules, do you think?

tocutetolive90's avatar

My boyfriend and i didn’t kiss until the 4th date i believe it was and we have been greatly in love for 2 years. It all depends on how they are. If there new at or just move slow at things in a relationships. Just give it a couple dates, if its meant to be the kiss will happen.

TheBox193's avatar

I guess I would say that it doesn’t matter so much, it depends on the pace of things. A kiss would defiantly be a good sign, but no kiss doesn’t really indicate anything in my opinion.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

A better indicator is time to next contact.

aprilsimnel's avatar

What do you consider an goodnight kiss? A peck on the cheek or the lips? Or a tongue on the uvula? I’d imagine each first date would be different in any event.

The last first date I went on, I got my hands squeezed and a meaningful look into my eyes, but subsequent dates built up a little more and a little more until we had a Whoa, Nelly! kiss on the fourth. The anticipation was delicious.

XCNuse's avatar

first time is to prove if anything clicks or not, if two people don’t mesh well the first time around either A it will be a while for another date, or B better luck with someone else.

First time doesn’t have to be anything really, hell the first 10 don’t have to be anything, it just matters if there’s any chemistry, if there is chemistry then stuff actually moves.

Yes you can get plenty of chemistry first time around and kiss or even have sex what have you, either way, if two people are just there to have a meal and not really have much to say.. nothing is going to come out of it, maybe a friendship in time.. it just takes that click, once you got a click and can just talk about whatever (both sides giving input) then you know that chances are it’s going to be A Okay ;)

Ort's avatar

When it comes to dating, I’m more interesting in learning how we might best fit, than in any recipes. I think a successful first date is where we get to know each other better and decide whether to set up a second one. A kiss at the end is nice if you’re feeling it but not required or a measure of “success” (unless you’d rather kiss than get to know someone). Letting the energy build between you can be a lot of fun…

I agree with asmonet that followup in the next day or two is polite and a good idea. Waiting 3 days with no contact seems less encouraging but not that big a deal. The longer they wait, the less I figure they were into it, though, and the worse they are likely to be at communicating in general. If people want to take their time, have lots of space and go slow, they should make that clear.

I like honesty and people who are unscripted when it comes to attraction and sex. Being honest about your attraction and interest can be sexy so long as it’s real, respectful and not desperate. What’s the rush?

marinelife's avatar

I think we freight the whole first date thing way too much. I would not assume anything or rule anything out based on the presence or lack of a kiss. Sometimes chemistry develops. Sometimes you just know it never will.

To me, common courtesy says a reasonably prompt follow-up is critical. I would also go by words exchanged at the end of the date and the accompanying body language. If he said, “It was wonderful meeting you. Let’s do this again soon. I’ll call you.”, I would assume he meant what he said. If he said, “Nice meeting you,” and nothing else, I would think he was unlikely to call.

90s_kid's avatar

On my very first date of my whole life, my girlfriend didn’t even show up. Figures…. maybe that is why I haven’t had a girlfriend since November. I have given up. But I honestly want to be single in my lifetime. I want to be free.

skfinkel's avatar

Yes. Not to worry about the first date kiss.

As for three day rule: I think you deal with you and him, and forget “rules” (did you see “Swingers”? Funny scene and silliness about that rule).

I think women can be too forward—and not being forward doesn’t mean you don’t like sex. There’s a big difference, and it is an important distinction.

Perchik's avatar


You can have complete chemistry with a person without kissing them. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two months or so now and we haven’t kissed yet. Not that I haven’t wanted to kiss her, but I really don’t want to go down the path to sex too early in a relationship. But that’s something we’ve talked about. A kiss is often the sparkplug for sex. Does that mean that every kiss leads to sex? no. Hardly. We just want to grow intimacy slowly, instead of jump starting it and forcing it too early.

Don’t judge me

erincollins's avatar

Well it all depends but my husband and I had a goodnight sleepover on the first night (no sex) and we have a great relationship. But I have a friend who her and her husband didn’t even kiss for like 2 months! It all depends on you and how you feel!

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I agree that there are no rules. Some dates can end with no kiss and be completely successful, it all depends on the two people. Age has nothing to do with kissing or not on a first date, individuals have different preferences. I’m 23 and there’s no way in hell I’d kiss a stranger on our first date, because I just don’t do that and I know I never will. Other people do and that’s fine, but it’s not my cup of tea.

Waiting x amount of days seems silly to me. If there’s chemistry and two people got along well on a date, why wait? If two people like each other they should just put it out there. Making someone wait seems too much like a game to me.

inoffensive's avatar

you can have a nice slice of cake with no cherry on the top. sucks, but hey, you still got cake.

augustlan's avatar

If you like him, and are interested in seeing him again, let him know. He may be sitting around asking these very same questions of his friends! Call or text him, girlie :)

Ort's avatar

And it’s totally different in different scenes, too. I have a gay friend that loves having sex with new people all the time and for him and his friends, it’s not whether you get a kiss after the first date, it’s whether you have sex before or after dinner on the first date. It’s about communication and the type of people you hang out with. Great questions to ask a lover. There’s all types of people out there.

galileogirl's avatar

If your first date is for lunch, don’t expect a goodnnight kiss.

Jack79's avatar

that’s a lot of questions all at once! :)

No, you don’t have to kiss for the date to be successful. The important thing is that both people had a good time. The 3rd date rule of thumb applies in most cases, though it’s different in every society and even per individual. Some people are just more shy than others.

But yes, if there is no follow-up pretty soon, I’d say it signifies lack of interest. Don’t push it too much.

Oh and I never get turned off by women who are forward. I think most men would like women to say what they want clearly. The problem is if you don’t like a woman and she wants to have sex, and then it’s embarassing for both when you turn her down.

galileogirl's avatar

Turn her down??? LOL

emilyrose's avatar

i rarely kiss on the first date, and if I do, I probably drank too much : ) I love to wait at least a couple of dates to let the tension build. One of the best first kisses in my life occurred on the 4th or 5th date. It was totally worth waiting for…... I actually find that it’s inauthentic to kiss on the first date for me in most cases, unless I knew the person a bit beforehand. These days with internet dating so popular, often a first date is also the first time you ever MEET the person. For me, I highly doubt I would kiss in that situation. I don’t know enough about them yet to be compelled to kiss. If I do, its more about my sex drive than genuine feelings for the person.

laureth's avatar

This is actually the fourth anniversary of my first date with the guy I eventually married. :)

We met up at a bookstore and had coffee and chatted. It was going so well that we decided on the spot to lengthen the date by going out to dinner, and we ended up closing the restaurant! On the way out, we said we’d be in touch. We each went to our car, and I thought he didn’t like me because he didn’t seem too WOW’ed, ya know? And then he ran over from his car (as I was getting into mine) and said, “Um. Can I kiss you?” I said yes. It was an excellent kiss. The rest is history, as they say.

Just do what feels right. If it comes from your gut, it’s probably right. I found out later that we’d both wanted more on the first date, but delayed pushing things because we didn’t want it to be just another quick fling.

You can’t force chemistry that isn’t there. But it’s also hard to deny chemistry when it is there. And chemistry doesn’t obey rules, most of the time. ;)

So, maybe it’s not that both parties weren’t “feeling it,” maybe they were just both being really, really considerate. Sometimes it takes a few days to call, but if it takes more than that, I’d be wondering why. Was there a sense of smouldering interest under everything, or was it more detatched?

I think how women are “supposed” to behave – forward or not – is based on the individuals involved. Again, trust your gut. And good luck! :D

srmorgan's avatar

There is a scene in Woody Allen’s “ANNIE HALL” where Allen and Diane Keaton are out on their first date and suddenly Allen grabs Keaton and tells her to kiss him, obviously for the first time. His explanation was let’s get it (the 1st kiss) out of the way so we don’t stumble over it later on in the evening. (My paraphrase).

Again, maybe it is too 70’s for the younger Flutherites, but it worked, as an artistic device, for me.


gailcalled's avatar

And there is an equally wonderful and hilarious scene in The Tall Guy. Jeff Goldblum and Emma Thompson decide to get their first sexual encounter over at the beginning of their first date. They destroy an enter bed-sit, including a box of Wheetabix.

If you missed this movie the first time around (1990), check it out if you like laughing a lot. Review”:

rollid's avatar

My current boyfriend shook my hand at the end of our first date. It drove me crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Turns out that he did it on purpose as a way to stand out. We’ve been dating for two years now, live together and are talking about marriage.

There are no longer any rules for dating. You have to just kind of go with the flow. Not calling within three days doesn’t mean he can’t stand you and women are allowed to be sexually forward without coming across as tramps. But use your judgement. If you finished the date feeling awkward and weird, chances are that he did too.

rollid's avatar

Same guy didn’t call me for over a week once because he’d noticed that I never called him and wanted to see how long it took me to pick up the phone. Dating can be crazy. Try to stay sane.

krose1223's avatar

I could go any way on this. Sometimes I like to hold out on the first everything just because it makes it that much more exciting when it finally happens. I think if there is obvious chemistry a kiss is not needed. I usually like to do it that way. I have kissed two people the first night I met them, and one of them is my fiancee. There was too much chemistry with us so I may have exploded if I didn’t kiss him. !! :) giggles

edit* as for the whole “rule” thingy… I hate that!! If a guy wants to call me the next day, CALL ME!! I don’t have to deal with that any more but it used to get on my nerves. I liked getting text messages saying my date had a good time or couldn’t wait to see me again. It gave me something to smile about when I fell asleep that night.

EmpressPixie's avatar

Late to answer, but my current boyfriend and I ended our first date without a kiss. As we walked towards my bus, I saw it was almost there and darted across the street to catch it. It must have looked like I was running away from him!! But he held out hope (and shares my “must catch the bus at all costs” mentality) and we saw each other again—the next night! And the one after that. And the one after that. And we’ve been dating for a little bit over a year now.

So. Totally a success. We just didn’t have a kiss. And it didn’t matter at all.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I think it really depends on every situation. I’ve had some great first dates that have ended in kisses and some that haven’t and I’ve had some shitty first dates that have ended in kisses and some that haven’t. With my current boyfriend, we both knew how attracted we were to each other before we even went on a date so it was pretty much guaranteed that we would kiss. If you were both left wanting to see each other again, that’s what counts.

As for when to contact him, you can call him whenever you want! If you feel weird about calling him, text him. It’s a little less personal but it lets him know that you are thinking about him and doesn’t put too much pressure on him. Good luck!

hammer43's avatar

well to me a good or great date is when two people enjoy each others company together it is a time to get to know each other alittle so I have never kissed any date on the first or second one…..I feel you should wait until you two are confortable with it.

augustlan's avatar

Niki, care to give us an update?

nikipedia's avatar

@augustlan: Well, the date was Friday, today is Monday, and not so much as a text! What confuses me (and confused me about the non-kissing) is that this was a six-hour, three-parter date. Did I say/do something stupid five hours and 55 minutes in? Can we at least be friends? What the heck.

augustlan's avatar

Text him! Just a “hey, how you doing” kind of thing.

KatawaGrey's avatar

Have you tried contacting him? You are allowed to tell him you had a great time.

nikipedia's avatar

I’m not sufficiently invested in dating this person to contact him if he’s not going to contact me. I guess I’m just baffled by the seemingly mixed signals. And since he asked me out in the first place, if he wanted a second date, what’s stopping him from asking again?

Furthermore, dudes, I cannot take anymore rejection. Enough already. The boys can come to me.

Ort's avatar

“Furthermore, dudes, I cannot take anymore rejection. Enough already. The boys can come to me.”

You know, dudes don’t like rejection either. It’s a drag being expected to always take the lead. He took the risk to ask you out, why don’t you match him and ask him out if you’d like to see him. Maybe he’s wondering the same thing? I thought we had fun but she hasn’t even thanked me for the date, she must think I’m a jerk, what did i do, etc….

emilyrose's avatar

Niki—- I tend to be with you on this point. (sorry ort!) I am looking for a man who can take control and let me know he’s interested. Be a little bold! But at the same time, it’s possible you WILL hear from him again. He may just be dense. A lot of them are ; ) Maybe he is very shy? One of my close friends went on at least 5 dates with a guy before they kissed. The tension was high! They finally did, and slept together not too long after. They have been together more than a year now, so….who knows. I have gone through similar situations myself. I think it would be a little strange for you to text him at this point. If you wanted to you could email him and invite him to something soon. If he doesn’t respond favorably you know that he’s not into it for whatever (very stupid!) reason. In the future, you may consider texting dates right after the date if you had a good time just saying, “thanks again, I had a really fun time/ enjoyed meeting you,” whatever. I am always a shy nervous freak at the end of a date so I just don’t think you can judge stuff by that…....

Mizuki's avatar

Can women be too forward? Is that a turn off? Are we still supposed to be all coy and opaque and pretend not to be interested in sex?

Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes

asmonet's avatar

@Mizuki: That’s crap. We’re not supposed to do anything a certain way.

Mizuki's avatar

I guess it is cultural. Maybe some guys like alpha girls, what do I know….

Funky_Rainbow's avatar

I think it depends on your personality. I personally would want someone to call the next day (or at LEAST the day after that) to follow up and confirm they were wild about me and want to see me again! :) It doesn’t mean we have to go out again right away. Make a date for two week from then to have something to look forward to!

Other people are much more reserved or shy and it may be adorable for someone else to dance around the excitement of the first kiss for numerous dates and wonder for a week of they will hear from one another.

mrmonkey's avatar

As a guy, I couldn’t agree more with @Ort. I hate that I have to constantly ponder if the girl’s interested/not or if I’m moving too fast etc. Even though some girls DO take initiative, I can’t very well be sure if this time around she’s just plain not interested.

Response moderated
whythink1's avatar

I wish there were rules for this. There should be an unspoken code.

1. If you kiss – you want a sexual relationship in the near future
2. if you hug with a peck on the cheek – you’re interested and hope it will turn into a relationship
3. if you hug – you want to be friends, aren’t completely feeling it, but would like to interact some more. There’s also the possibility a simple hug could mean the guy is too worried about controlling himself and prefers not to get a taste of you :)
4. if you shake hands, you’re not interested.

The same for calling
1. if there’s instant chemistry, the guy should call the woman the next day and ask her out again (repeat 3–5 times, to make sure there really is chemistry)
2. If you think the person is a potential relationship interest, the guy should call that night and make sure she got home alright.
3. if you’re not sure, but would like to see them again, text or email the next day something light about what you talked about.
4. If you’re not interested, no further contact is required.

Waiting in today’s world of technology is ridiculous. How would a business contact feel, if you didn’t get back to them within 24 hours or even 18 hours? I certainly don’t want to interact with someone who doesn’t have access to communication and is proficient with it, but I’m an iPhone user, so I take instant contact for granted!

kyanblue's avatar

@whythink1 Life would be so much easier if people were that predictable.

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