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molly's avatar

Am I sexually frustrated or just lonely?

Asked by molly (259points) January 6th, 2009

i haven’t been in any sort of official relationship for quite a while, although i’ve had a few “things” with a couple people. one of the people (an “ex”, if you will, although we’ve stayed very close and are still intimate, but just not dating) isn’t living around here at the moment and i have a couple other people that may lead into something, but for the time being there is nothing (relationship or sex-wise) taking place with either. i know this may be one of those things that i have to answer myself, but i was wondering how it appears to others what i am going through. do i miss sex? of course, at this point in my life i must admit that that’s bothering me a bit, but i also crave a relationship. i miss having those components specific to a relationship, like cuddling, hanging out all the time for no reason, going on dates, what have you. (that don’t come along with simply hooking up). do i miss a relationship because i miss sex and i connect the two, or do i really just need someone to be with?

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15 Answers

EnzoX24's avatar

It is human nature to crave what you don’t have. The casual sex doesn’t fulfill that part of you that needs a relationship. It seems what you need to do is find a relationship that involves an active sex life. Of course that’s just my take on it. I will admit the question was a little confusing. If I am way off, please corrct me.

gailcalled's avatar

There are many ways of dealing with sexual frustration. Loneliness is a different matter. You can be with someone and be sexually frustrated, of course. But you can be without a partner and be sexually satisfied. Of course, that doesn’t solve the cuddling or hanging-out issues. (Question was repetitive and very unclear. Try editing a little. You’ll get better answers to an interesting query.)

molly's avatar

i honestly confused myself upon rereading it, but i don’t know really how to explain exactly what i mean. thank you both though, i think you get what track i’m on. i need to think of a way to communicate what my bottom line is.

augustlan's avatar

Sounds to me like you’re missing the ‘whole enchilada’. Sex is easy to find, or provide for yourself, but the rest of it seems important to you as well.

stevenb's avatar

It sounds to me like you are lonely, and like augustlan said, missing the whole enchilada. I know I am a fairly solitary person, but that I miss that closeness that comes with a really good, honest relationship when my wife is out of town. It is probably good that casual sex doesn’t satisfy you, because maybe it is helping you see what you really want and need.

Being in a relationship for me makes me feel complete and happy. I am still fine by myself, but with my wife I am amplified into who I truly am, down deep. She simply accentuates me and brings out the parts of me I can’t even see when she is not around. Maybe that is what you are missing. Somebody to fill in your missing pieces and make you better than you knew you could be. I hope you find what you need and able to see it when you do. Good luck!

PupnTaco's avatar

I think I know what you’re saying. Sounds like you are one of those people who doesn’t feel complete unless they can share life with someone else in a committed relationship. I know, I’m one of those and I’m convinced I got lucky when I met my wife in college. Hang in there.

Jack79's avatar

Seems to me you miss both, and what could be more natural than that? I wish you luck in finding a person that can fulfill both your needs :)

wundayatta's avatar

It seems to me that sex is never just sex. I don’t care if you think it’s casual or just hooking up; it’s not as casual as you think. Now, normally, I would be saying this about men, who seem, on average, to have a more casual attitude towards sex. I think they are deluding themselves. But you’re a woman.

You’re the man’s dream. She wants sex, no strings attached. I’m on it!

As I said, I don’t believe it. I think that sometimes we settle for sex as a proxy for intimacy; after all, what could be more intimate? Yet we can wall off certain parts of ourselves, so we don’t feel the incredible sadness of intimacy without intimacy.

So I’m with the rest of your answerers. I think you’re lonely. But even more, I think you crave true intimacy, the kind that often comes along with sex. I don’t believe it has to be an exclusive, committed relationship, but that does help people feel more secure about being so vulnerable with each other.

Which brings me to boundaries. What the hell are boundaries? I don’t know if I can explain it. It has to do with a sense of self so that you know where you end and the other person begins. It seems counter-intuitive to say you have to have a strong sense of your boundaries if you are to have a relationship. After all, isn’t that the point? To mush up the boundaries? Well, if your boundaries are already mushy, then you can’t ever tell when you are truly connecting with someone else. It might just be your own mush.

I believe that casual sex is associated with mushy boundaries. I could be wrong. It’s only a theory.

Sometimes people say you have to really know yourself in order to have a relationship with someone else. I don’t know if I buy into that, because I used relationships to know myself. However, I do think there is something to that. Whether you get it on your own, or in a relationship, you have to figure out where you end and where others begin. For that, you need honesty, either with yourself, or from someone else. You have to be able to trust them. If you have mushy boundaries, it can be very difficult to know who to trust.

Ok. That’s enough. I could go on. But who knows, I could be way off here. If I am, my apologies. I am trying to say this from a point of humility, not arrogance, but lord knows my boundaries on that one are pretty mushy! ;-)

molly's avatar

daloon, thank you for the thought out answer (and everyone else too!). i do agree, i think deep down there is always something more to sex than just sex…in my own experiences and observations, much more often than not, sex ends up meaning something to the people involved. but anyway, i do think i just miss the whole package. everyone’s answers are making me realize that more. thanks again to everyone wishing me good luck and offering advice!

windex's avatar

here is my number: (555) 219–4444

tennesseejac's avatar

sounds like you’re just lonely. join the club.

molly's avatar

hahaha windex!

tb1570's avatar

I think your position is not so confusing, or out of the ordinary, for that matter. What you truly crave and miss seems to be a real, loving, intimate relationship, but you also seem to be a person who enjoys sex for sex’s sake, so you miss and crave both; but you won’t feel truly satisfied until you find an honest, real, open, loving, trusting relationship—and that ain’t easy! So, I think maybe the crux of your biscuit is what to do in the interim—- am I even close?

LaurenBiscuit's avatar

Hello Molly! I am currently in what seems to be the same situation. I am 14 and I don’t have any friends, so I’m also lonely. Lately I’ve been urging sex to make me feel less lonely. Overall I think you should know that a fling or a no strings attached sexual relationship will not fulfill being lonely, and that if you feel like you want closeness, its something you’ll have to work towards getting. A relationship takes time and effort to create and build, so you will never fulfill your loneliness until you are motivated and ready to take action. Once you’re ready to get what you want, you’ll get it after putting the effort in and the results will be very rewarding. Hang in there hon :)

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