General Question

florarigby's avatar

Should married couples vacation seperately?

Asked by florarigby (33points) January 7th, 2009

Some of my friends take vacations away from their spouses. Some view it as healthy and others think it is a bad idea. What do you think?

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33 Answers

inoffensive's avatar

I think it’s healthy. But that’s just me. But it requires the right amount of confidence in the other person. Everyone needs a certain space.

Mizuki's avatar

I think this is a great idea. couples should be able to get away by them selves if they want too. my husband likes to scuba dive, I don’t—I want him to go by himself. I like to shop, he hates it—I go alone and have a blast. As long as he doesn’t fuck someone, and I would know if he did, he is a terrible liar.

krose1223's avatar

I think it is a good idea. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

basp's avatar

If that is what they want to do….why not?

bmhit1991's avatar

If it’s your spouse that wants a vacation for a small amount of time, yeah. Say no, and he/she just might take a permanent vacation. haha. if you don’t think it’s a good idea, say it, but don’t be assertive.

Jeruba's avatar

Should they? No reason why they should. No reason why they shouldn’t, either. If we didn’t do this now and then, each of us would miss out on some things only one of us wants to do. Also it can be good for your perspective on your relationship. But if you don’t want to spend some time together, why are you married? I think it’s great to do both.

Mizuki's avatar

But if your wife come’s back from Bahamas singing “I shot the Sherrif” beware, brother beware!

jbfletcherfan's avatar

About the first time I suggested a separate vacation from MY husband, he’d tell me to just keep on going! It wouldn’t work in our house!

charliecompany34's avatar

don’t know if i like that set-up. my wife has a very dear and close friend and they talked not too long ago about going to vegas with some other girlfriends as well. it would be a girl vacation. don’t like it. first thing i say is, “wow, i want to go to vegas—what about US going?”

not being selfish here because my wife and i are WAY overdue for some get-away time, so i believe you should tend to the home matter first.

elijah's avatar

I think it’s fine. Everyone should have personal time. Anyway, if your husband/wife wanted to cheat, they don’t need to go on vacation to do it.
I don’t think it’s worth being in a relationship with someone you have to babysit.
That being said, I do believe it should be with your spouse more often than not. That should be the person you mostly want to be with.

Knotmyday's avatar

If by “vacation” you mean a guy’s fishing trip, or a girl’s trip to Vegas to see the Cirque du Soleil, sure.

Those are things that are better enjoyed with folks you KNOW will enjoy it with you.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Sure, why not, sometimes? I’d rather have a partner who was out doing new things on his own every so often. It keeps life (and your partner and you) from going stale.

DrBill's avatar

this is not a tes/no, it depends on the couple.

laureth's avatar

It’s very individual. Some couples are very independent and would love that individual trip. Us? I married the guy because I like spending time with him. He just said, “If they don’t want to go on vacation together, perhaps it’s not a very good marriage.”

When I first read the question, I thought, “Away from other married couples? Sounds grand!” :)

cookieman's avatar

In 21 years (married 12), we’ve only done this once. Wife went to Vegas with a girlfriend, I went camping in San Diego with my brother-in-law.

Meanwhile, we’ve been on about 30 vacations together.

I would only be concerned if she would rather vacation with someone other than me.

Likeradar's avatar

Sure, why not?
I’m not married but I think doing things separately sometimes is healthy… it makes you more interesting and it gives you more to talk about with your partner.

(although I would be irrationally jealous in my head if my bf wanted a vacation without me)

Aethelwine's avatar

Do things separately, yes. Vacations are few and far between, spend them with your spouse. I agree with laureth’s husband!

LKidKyle1985's avatar

Yeah it really depends on the couple. Some need time apart, others dont get to spend enough time together. Though I read married couples always have better sex while on vacation. So their loss, and someones gain maybe?

Jack79's avatar

I think it can be healthy, especially if you are spending too much time together. But usually separate vacations happen to couples who are already sick and tired of each other and are looking for a way out.

What I’d find much better is some separate days every month when each person would meet friends, go out on their own or just stay home alone. But holidays are usually 1–2 weeks which is too long. And would be a good chance to relax together and bond rather than drift apart. Depends on the couple of course.

bmhit1991's avatar

oh, and I don’t think this should last more than a week. My mom used to take an annual trip with one of her best friends that lasted about a week each year. She loved it. A lot. Hopefully as a spouse you’d want to see your spouse happy.

makemo's avatar

There’s no telling. No rule. No theory. Rule of thumb: does it affect the relationship badly?: considering not doing it. Vice versa: why not.

And so forth. To me, there’s no moral to it.

(Since there’s no real telling due to the multitude of ways for relationships to exist, it probably won’t add too much of interest, but if you asked me, I’d say it may definitely be of healthy value to our relationship, since we’ve lived 24 hours a day only a few meters away from each other, for 9 years now. But that’s me/us. Other people – especially busy bees and intensive career builders may benefit of staying together more during vacations.)

Blondesjon's avatar

I agree with the hot chick a few jellies up. Nice answer jonsblond. :)

nocountry2's avatar

I married my husband because I have the most fun with him – why would I want to vacation without him?? However, there are things I like to do by myself, and I think that’s healthy. I’m a very indepenent person, and sometimes it’s a relief to just not have to compromise or worry if your partner is happy, too. I think a trip with “the guys” or “the girls” is important and should be encouraged. I also think having mini separate vacations within a joint vacation is good, too.

tinyfaery's avatar

My “in-laws” do this all the time, mostly because it’s hard for them to take time off together. But, they do so many things apart. To me, this is just bizarre. My wife and I are practically joined at the hip; sometimes I think we share the same brain. If I am out doing something, anything without her, after about 2–3 hours I miss her.

I must confess, I often think couples who spend a lot of time apart don’t really like each other. I don’t get it.

marinelife's avatar

I am of nocountry2’s camp and some others. One of the things my husband and I like best is traveling together. That said, we have done it separately. Guys or girls camping weekends. My sister and I took my Mom to Hawaii for her 75th birthday.

It depends:

1. On the relationship.

2. On the type of vacation.

In a healthy relationship, I would think that the ratio of vacationing together would meet or exceed vacationing alone. Just because SO relationships take work to maintain, and need to be our primary relationship focus and interest. Vacationing together is a great way to recharge and re-romanticize and experience your partner in a way outside of the everyday chores and pressures of life.

Aethelwine's avatar

THAT is true love tinyfaery!

marinelife's avatar

@tinyfaery I agree. My experience, admittedly anecdotal, is that the couples I have known who did most stuff apart ended up apart after some time. I imagine there are some it works for, but I suspect not most.

Aethelwine's avatar

@tinyfaery: I must clarify my last response. THAT is true love is meant for you, not your in-laws.

wundayatta's avatar

My wife and I have never vacationed separately. One of my musician friends does, and he hinted that while he’s away, he can (and does) do anything he wants. I guess it’s a “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” kind of thing. Later that evening when he told me, he came back to say he was just kidding. But I’m not so sure. I don’t know his wife, but they’ve been together long enough to raise a kid who is in college.

Jeruba's avatar

I think >30 years is a fairly good test of a marriage. A lot of things come up in that time. Maybe we wouldn’t have made it this far without some breathers. We also love the trips we take together.

I just think people can’t judge the quality of others’ relationships based on their own practices and preferences. It’s a good thing when people whose preferences and styles are compatible find each other—and don’t marry those other guys!

SoundWave's avatar

My wife says that she has the time to travel and should use it even though I can’t go.
She travels with friends and without me all the time. I resent it at a very base level despite my attempts not to because it makes me feel left out when she goes to romantic or adventurous destinations and I am not with her to share the memories. The fact that she is having FUN with friends and not me also makes me both jealous and anxious about them sapping the excitement of our good marriage away to the point that time she spends AT HOME in our marriage pales in comparison. Notice I have not brought up trust here. That has not been a factor in my discomfort, believe it or not.
I have explained to her that I have NEVER had any desire to go away without her for several days and that is why I have such a hard time understanding her willingness to do so. What is most dangerous to a marriage is when ” the jilted “says to himself “she knows I hate this and she does it anyway, so she must not love me very much ”. That one will tear my marriage apart if I spend any time thinking about it at all. It is the siren’s song coming from the rocks on shore that takes the ship of marriage straight to its death. Remember that she actually really does still love you…even when it is painful and frustrating to those of us that do not want to vacation without our wives every time they bring up the next big adventure that you will not be taking part in. My wife is very unhappy that I feel the way I do and this has been the hottest issue in our marriage by far. The travelling wife needs to TAKE SERIOUSLY staying with a RIGID SCHEDULE of communication to home while she is gone to avoid aggravating the situation.

Marjen's avatar

My wife and I have been married for 19 years. She has recently found golf as a hobby and plays with her golf friends who are female. Many of them have husbands that go away constantly for 3–4 days even a week playing golf without their partners. We do now take many holidays together (we run a business for many years and had few holidays in the past, we have much more time now), but she too likes to go away with her golf friends for 4–5 days usually not to play golf but just to have a away time with her friends. Each time it happens I hate every minute of her being away. I can’t stand being away from her for that long. We have a home in the Caribbean (we work hard for it!) and we have some of the best holidays out there together. Now she wants to take two of her girlfriends away there without me. Both have husbands that do nothing with their wives and they have effectively a very poor and unloving marriage. I want my wife to have fun and chill but find it so very very difficult for her being away. A mixture of jealousy, worry, anxiety, emptiness on my part. She has also booked to go to Turkey next year (golf girls, correct) which whilst there is golf involved I will worry like sick for every second of her being away. Am I being stupid?

Bob23's avatar

My wife and I were married for 52 years. We took numerous vacations together. Sometimes we joined other couples. We never contemplated taking separate vacation.. We married so we could enjoy a lifetime together; doing the things we liked, and visiting places we both enjoyed.

How long does it take to destroy a marriage or a serious relationship? Unless you don’t love each other, why would you want to take separate vacations? Lacking a very good reason, separate vacations are a serious betrayal of any relationship. The message they give is loud and clear. Your partners feelings are unimportant; and your friend(s) mean more to you than your spouse.

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