General Question

cherryberry's avatar

Have any of you ever used a keylogger on your significant other, and did you find what you expected?

Asked by cherryberry (294points) January 11th, 2009 from iPhone

I’m not asking about the moral issue of whether you should/shouldn’t. I know you probably shouldn’t. Have you done it, and were you surprised? I did it and I am still with my spouse, but just barely.
He thinks it is an unusual thing to do, but I don’t.
I don’t want to know what you found out, only if you did it.

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27 Answers

squirbel's avatar

I haven’t, because my Mario is trustworthy. If I had an untrustworthy partner, I’m sure I would.

No wait – I don’t want to be with an untrustworthy person. I would just leave them ahead of time. Being with someone you can trust causes everyone else to pale in comparison.

loser's avatar

I wouldn’t do that. Trust is important and if I don’t trust someone, how can I expect them to trust me?

cherryberry's avatar

@squirbel @loser
You wouldn’t do it even if you noticed suspicious behavior from a previously (several years) trustworthy person?
Maybe it was an unusual thing to do…

loser's avatar

I’d rather risk being hurt than live on my guard.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

Cherry I am going to tell you what my dad told me when I was struggling with jealousy issues. If they are going to cheat on you then they are going to, and maybe you will find out or you wont, but if you do then you leave them. The only thing this keylogger thing is going to do is drive who ever you love away. No one wants to feel like they are dating or married to the gestapo. The bottom line is, if you are doing a key logger on your bf then you have issues you need to work with yourself, and if you really think hes up to something, you need to talk to him. And like it was said before, if you can’t trust him then you need to re-examine your relationship with each other.
Also, if someone is cheating on you, you don’t need a key logger to to figure it out. It comes out sooner or later

DrasticDreamer's avatar

In my previous relationship I did some snooping – not with anything like that – but just on my own. I did not like what I found, but I also should have ended the relationship before I found anything, because like everyone else has said, a relationship is nothing without trust. The fact alone that I felt like I had to was bad enough.

squirbel's avatar

If I noticed suspicious behavior, I would ask them specifically about the behavior, rather than using a keylogger. If he can’t tell me straight, then I will not stay with him.

It’s black and white, for me.

judochop's avatar

Would you not in turn be cheating yourself and your boyfriend with the logger?

cherryberry's avatar

I’ve already done the keylogger. I don’t feel as though I’m cheating myself. I really don’t feel bad about it at all. It’s never black & white
with this many years/kids and all the diseases out there.
I just wondered if it was a really uncommon thing to do.

wildflower's avatar

I agree with @DrasticDreamer – if you feel a need to spy on your partner’s behavior, rather than talk it over and trust the outcome, I think the foundation’s already gone….so you might as well save yourself the time and hurt/embarrassment/upset that it’s bound to cause both of you.

Zaku's avatar

I haven’t spied.

To me, spying seriously undermines trust. Spying seems like war to me, not love. Keyloggers and other spy techniques say to me, “I don’t give you any right to privacy.” I would not trust a person who did this. I want to live in a society (both on a personal, community, and legal level) where there is a right to some privacy, and violating it is against the rules.

Actually, thinking back, when people have spied on me, I have taken it as a clear sign that I cannot trust them, and it’s made me very upset with them, feeling like I’m already guilty so in a depraved way justified in doing things they wouldn’t like and not telling them about it, or whatever. Spying on me is the only way to achieve a certain kind of non-acceptance from me.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

Cherry to answer your question, it is a rather uncommon thing to do in a good relationship.

Aethelwine's avatar

What if you do have suspicions and you ask your partner, then they lie to you? Let’s say you do find evidence… Is the snooping justified then? (I would not do the keylogger)

cherryberry's avatar

That’s almost exactly what happened. I feel perfectly justified in using a keylogger on the family computer because he was cheating on me.
He still swears it was an invasion of his privacy, but I really don’t care. My children use that computer and god forbid they had found something.
My goal was not to divulge, but to see what others with similar experience thought.
Alas, my experience is unique.

Zaku's avatar

It seems to me that both cheating and spying are breakdowns of trust, communication and partnership that signal the old relationship agreements have been broken and I’d declare them complete and over and then discuss what can be built from scratch given the situation. If you want a trusting relationship with your husband, just as you may insist that he respect your need not to be cheated on, he may have a need to be accepted and trusted. Not caring about his needs won’t provide what’s needed to build a new trust with him.

Mizuki's avatar

a friend of mine busted his wife having an affair with her chiropractor…i think it is justified if you have justifiable suspicion.

dynamicduo's avatar

I would never use a keylogger on anyone, period. If a person used one on me and I found out, my reaction would be beyond anger, beyond ire, beyond any type of forgiveness – that person would cease to exist in my life from that point on, “dead to me” is the perfect phrase. This is such a huge, massive breach of trust and privacy that is only available thanks to today’s technology, and I find it to be an abuse beyond cheating with another person. Not to mention your keylogger might have given me a virus or jeopardized all my online info such as banking etc.

Snooping and spying is never justified. If you are at a point where you consider snooping and keylogging to be acceptable, you have crossed serious boundaries in your relationship that may never be repaired.

The proper and logical way to proceed, if you have suspicions about your relationship, is to have a serious discussion with your partner and say your concerns plain and simple. Remember the key to heated discussions: use “I” phrases and not “you” phrases, like “I do not feel respected”, not “you are a scumbag” etc. The person’s response will be enough to help steer your decisions from that point on: if they seem honest or willing to change or help with the relationship, they are most likely sincere and it’s likely you can repair the relationship. If they ignore or dismiss your concern, or get angry and do not attempt to resolve the issue, or try and accuse you of something else, your relationship stands a high chance of being in serious peril and you may need to start thinking of what your next step will be.

cherryberry, your justification of using the keylogger to find what your kids might have run into on the computer, is pretty illogical not to mention highly unlikely. If you used the keylog info to log into any website or email, your kids would have never seen these things. If you used the keylog info to see what he was chatting, again this is something your kids would have never seen.

That said, in this case you are both in the deep. Cheating from him and spying from you, as Zaku says, really are symptoms of a bigger issue: your relationship has problems which now need to be addressed.

EmpressPixie's avatar

I’m a private person. A very private person. If my partner used a keylogger on me, it would be infringing on my privacy in a way we would never be able to get over or through. I was going to pass this question up when I saw it appear because I’m not particularly interested in it, but then the sheer abusiveness of using a keylogger on my partner began to bother me and I had to say something.

No matter what your suspicions were, it was wrong to do. Your husband was right. It was a very serious invasion of his privacy. Was he wrong as well? Yes. But two wrongs don’t make a right. I think those who have come before me are correct in saying that both the cheating and the spying are symptoms of an unhealthy relationship. If you decide to, hopefully you can work through it, but there will be serious issues on both sides to overcome.

Mizuki's avatar

It is funny that Amerian women are so opposed to being spied on—I wonder why… I don’t…...go girl—you are entitled!

cherryberry's avatar

Thank you everyone for your interesting responses. While I don’t agree with most of you, I think your intentions are good and I thank you for taking the time to respond.

Bri_L's avatar

I have never spied. I have wanted to but fought the desire to.

Turns out my suspicions were correct and she was lying to me so I didn’t ask her to marry me. Then she said she would break it off with the other guy.

I don’t think it would have been as easy to walk away if I had spied. If I had, she would have had ammunition as well. As it turned out, I held my head up and strolled out.

Zaku's avatar

Apparently it’s important to say how one feels about spying before it comes up, too, since clearly there are people who feel strongly either way (and may think they’re justified at the level of truth – I know I have, though now I see it just as a strong opinion).

Beege's avatar

I’ve never used a keylogger, but…I do know who Kenny Loggins is and I WOULDN’T DO IT! I’m just sayin’.

dinadana's avatar

I’m using ProteMac Keybag PRO. I start to use because of proffesional needs. mmm
i’ve never mention that someone seriously using my computer without me)

ronak88's avatar

Well, I don’t know much about ProteMac Keybag PRO as I use which comes with both free as well as paid version, I would recommend using free Spyrix keylogger first, if you get satisfied, you can use paid as well, of course with paid version, you have advanced options.

46Faviola's avatar

Yes, I know Spyrix it is a keylogger program my friends are also using it but I don’t need it now.

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