General Question

Jude's avatar

Help me figure this person out!

Asked by Jude (32131points) January 13th, 2009

I recently went through a pretty shitty breakup. See this thread to give you an idea.

And, the latest (added at the end of the thread):

And here’s the kicker. I got a call from her last night. She was sobbing (for an hour and a half); saying that she’s going to talk to a counselor about what she had done in regards to me. That she hasn’t been able to eat, that she hates who she is and that she still doesn’t understand why she did what she did. She insists to this day that she was thinking about ‘us’ and whether she wanted to be with me on Christmas Eve and that it wasn’t until after Christmas (a matter of a day or two) that she realized that she was still in love with ex (right…). Now, she’s saying that she doesn’t know what she wants. She feels numb towards everyone. She said that her and ex aren’t working things out. She says that she hates herself for what she has done. She doesn’t like ‘that Cris’ and needs to know why she did what she did (bullshit as far as I’m concerned). She said that part of her felt as though she didn’t deserve me.

Soooo, I told her, I’m sorry, but I don’t trust her and have hard time believing anything that she says and that I agree that she needs some major help. She said that if she didn’t have me in her life, she’d be devastated.

I don’t know what to believe, but, all that I know is that this had nothing to do with me, I don’t trust her and I truly hope that she gets all of the help that she needs. She’s a frickin’ head case. Time to stay clear!

Any idea what/whom I was dealing with here? A headcase? This woman is a true enigma. Thoughts?

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18 Answers

cage's avatar

I think if you’re already telling her you don’t trust her, then you’ve made up your mind.
I think you should say to her “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you any further, I suggest we don’t talk and you can try to move on”
I’m sure whether she’s nuts or not she’ll get over it.
The fact you actually say she’s a ‘fricken head case’ though means you don’t want anything to do with her. Shut her out then.

asmonet's avatar


She doesn’t know who she is, there’s nothing more to it. Run away.

Triozoo's avatar

She’s just devastated that her heart had lead her in the wrong direction. She left you in order to share her returned feelings with the “ex” but was rejected; because of this she wanted to backtrack and be with you once again. Instead of open arms she was hit by a wall. If you’ve gotten over her, let her know whats going through your mind.

as said above by cage.^^^

Jude's avatar

Oh, I plan to. I’m heading for the hills. Just baffled by everything..

Jude's avatar

@Triozoo, you’re saying that her ex rejected her this time around. No, not the case, if that’s what you’re implying. Her ex couldn’t wait to have her back. So, even when they were ‘back together’, my ex girlfriend still didn’t know if that’s what she wanted..

fireside's avatar

I like the GTFO advice.
Sounds like an emotional quagmire that will just drag you in and leave you soggy and cold.

asmonet's avatar

Put it out of your mind, she is no longer your concern. And stop picking up the damn phone, we all have Caller ID nowadays. The more you send her the message you’re no longer her soft shoulder to cry on the more she’ll grow a pair, failing that, she’ll find some other chick to make her emotional bitch.

Just sayin’.

Cut ties. Best thing to do with people who are gonna bring you down.

And if you do pick up the phone, when she starts in tell her firmly but gently that you are unavailable and you have to go. click.

Jude's avatar

@asmonet that’s what I’m doing (we’re both girls). I’m done.

asmonet's avatar

My bad, corrected. :)

And good for you, everyone deserves better than being trampled on. Good luck.

wundayatta's avatar

Oh, you want an explanation? The thing that jumps out at me is that she lost the ex, and she doesn’t want to be alone, so she’s seeing if she can patch it up with you. She sounds like she’s pretty insecure (aren’t we all?), but also messed up about her value with respect to men, and in particular, the current men in her life.

She wants security, and to be propped up, but she made some serious mistakes. In any case, she’s just trying to see if she can get you back. She says she’s in counselling, as a peace offering that she is working on herself, and she will be different, and, presumably, more faithful, this time.

I know you’ve said you aren’t going to be sucked back in. You’re heading for the hills. Perhaps that is best. However, I do think there is a danger that in a time of loneliness and weakness, you might find yourself really tempted. Imagine how humble she’ll be. Imagine how good she will try to be. That can be very hard to turn down.

Now here comes the caveat: as always, this is just my theory, and I have very little evidence to support it. In other words, I could totally out to lunch on this one.

Jude's avatar

@daloon – the thing is, my g/f’s ex really wanted her back. She went out of her way to show everyone that she had changed her crazy ways and that she (we’re all girls here) should never had let my girlfriend go in the first place and that they were meant to be together (dramatic). So, her ex DID want her back (something fierce). And, my girlfriend said to me that she ‘realized recently (about a week ago) that she was still in love with her ex…that they were working on getting back together…

and now this phone call (I’m totally screening my calls from now on).

wundayatta's avatar

Oops. Sorry about the gender transformations. You should really consider providing a scorecard when you ask questions like this! ;-)

How old are ya’ll? This sounds like the kind of drama that happens when people are younger. I’m trying to remember back to my lesbian days (I gave them up to become a straight man, but for a while I was whatever the male equivalent of a fag hag is—all my friends were lesbians. Oh well. Story of my life).

In any case, I do recall a lot of drama when we were all twenty-somethings. Relationships changed a lot. Hell, sexuality changed a lot. It was very confusing. I won’t tell you I lived in New York, because that will only confirm everyone’s idea of what kind moral swamp that place is. Still, what’s a straight guy to do when all his social circle are either lesbians or gay men? Ok, so I’m exagerating, but only a little bit. I think I knew three straight women… no, four. And three of them lived with me. Talk about drama. Oh to be twenty-four again.

Anyway, while I haven’t solved or explained your problem, I hope I’ve entertained you a bit. I know I’ve entertained myself, lol.

Judi's avatar

daloon was still right on though. I would not let yourself get back into this mess unless you thrive on drama. That’s the life you would be getting yourself into.

Allie's avatar

I think you did the right thing. And I’m quite proud that you are sticking to your guns and not giving in to her. She sounds like she really needs to figure out what the fuck she wants. She also sounds like she needs to constantly have someone in her life. I think that before anyone has a significant other they need to know who they are on their own – she clearly does not. Continue on your merry way and don’t let her drag you down, you awesome awesome jelly you! Kudos!

Jack79's avatar

I already answered you in the other thread, but it seems you’re no longer asking for advice about what to do, but more for an insight about why this is happening. Without knowing her it’s hard to tell, but it is conceivably possible that she really did see the light. My hunch is that, after going back to her ex (and being treated like shit once again) she sat down and made the comparison. She saw things in a new light, and perhaps is mature enough to realise now what she’s lost.

I am in no way implying you should give her a second chance (unless she can convince you she’s changed) but perhaps this is what is really going on in her head. In either case, take your time (I mean you only got that call last night).

Jude's avatar

As much as I still care for her, I can’t go through this anymore. Time for her to work on herself. I wish her all the best.

Jude's avatar

@daloon. Thanks. ;-)

Jude's avatar

Not sure why I’m still trying to understand all of this. I guess it’s because I put so much into this relationship and really did love her. I’m the type of person that wants to understand the ‘whys’. I wish that I could let it go. I’m going to talk to someone (counseling) about this because I just lost my Mom not long ago to cancer and here’s another loss.

When thinking about it, my take on it is this…I remember certain times throughout the relationship she had this strong fear that I was going to hurt her (leave her/cheat on her). She (unbenownst to me) had many issues (she kept a lot inside) and was afraid to open up to me about them; out of fear that she would scare me away. She still won’t tell me about them. She would also say things like ‘you’re going to find my ways annoying at some point, I’m sure”, and was worried that she was going to be “too clingy”, and that she wasn’t mature enough for me. She also said that at the very end after we had broken up, that she didn’t think that she deserved me. Low self-esteem, seeking security and wanting to feel loved/wanted all came into play, I think. As soon as things weren’t perfect between her and I, she went back to her ex. Apparently, she still had a strong emotional tie with her ex (the ex her repeatedly treated her badly in the past (emotional abuse)). The ex whom recently was ‘reformed’ and wanting my g/f back so desperately and whom went out of her way to prove that she had changed her ways (although, they’re still fighting and according to my ex “not working on things”). There’s a huge co-dependency thing between the two. I think that even though she did care about me, all that I provided at the time was a bit of security..

I’ve been played for a fool. Staying away from her, though and doing my best to get through this. It all just happened a little over a week ago.

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