General Question

scorpionmagnet's avatar

If somebody told you your husband is having an affair with another woman, what should you do?

Asked by scorpionmagnet (20points) January 16th, 2009

There are many wives out there that were told by friends that their husbands are having an affair with another woman, but they don’t exactly know what to do. Can you help these women guys?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

30 Answers

xxporkxsodaxx's avatar

Have them punch everyone they see in the face.

asmonet's avatar

Keylogger. :)

cyndyh's avatar

It would depend on who told me, what they told me, what he said about it, and how many beers I’d had.

bythebay's avatar

@scorpion: Are you asking the Fluther men to give the women advice? “can you help these women guys?”

rowenaz's avatar

Or so you know what your wife will be up to?

rowenaz's avatar

My BFF broke into his e-mail account…another hired a PI, and a third didn’t believe it…until she walked in on it IN ACTION.

suku_happy's avatar

Firstly and most importantly, know if what your friend says is true or not. There is a great possibility that it might be false or sometimes the facts are over-exaggerated (like if the guy is just flirting).....get the facts right and based on the situation you can take the next step

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@scorpionmagnet, From a male perspective, what do you think think they should do?

GAMBIT's avatar

Call the doctor.
Call your mama.
Call the priest.
Call the lawyer.
If you’re still not over it.
Call the therapist.

cookieman's avatar

(I going to flip the genders as I am a man with a wife)

If I trusted this “friend” and didn’t sense any hidden agenda, I would simply sit down with my wife and say:

“so-and-so thinks you’re having an affair.”
“This is what he said (details here).”
“Personally, I think he’s out of his mind.”
“I told him he was clearly off base, as my wife would never do that.”
“Guy’s a schmuk.”

Then you go about your business. Unless your spouse is pathological, their reaction will tell you all you need/want to know.

Note: I have never had a friend I trust more than my wife. So it would have to be a pretty convincing story for me to even bring it up.

DrBill's avatar

Unless there is a history, you should give them the benefit of the doubt. It does not hurt to check it out, but assume they are innocent till proven guilty.

To quote Ronald Ragain: “Trust, but verify”

LKidKyle1985's avatar

I dunno it’s always a tough situation, but spying out right normally doesn’t make anything better. From what I’m told it’s childish, not sure how this would be any different. Either way, if they are looking for an excuse to get rid of their husbands then I guess finding out however they need to is the best thing, but if they are interested in fixing their marriage there’s more to the puzzle than just knowing. You can improve a marriage even after something like this, there is a lot behind this sort of action so I would reccomend seeing some kind of therapist. If they suspect cheating, then the best thing to do is seek help, not damage things more by making the other person feel like they have no privacy and are being totally controlled.

cwilbur's avatar

Find evidence. If you can confirm the report, leave him.

lovelace's avatar

i think you should take the information and file it. don’t act on it until you find out but if you respond, you’ll NEVER really know the truth. figure out what you’re gonnaa do if…

gimmedat's avatar

If it was certain that my husband had/is having an affair, I would leave his ass. There would be no forgiveness, no trying to work it out, it would be done. No question. I would rather go through the hell of divorce than be the subject of that disrespect. Not only would I be disrespected, so would my kids and all the hard work it’s been to get where we are and maintain. I know it would be tempting to sabotage another female for gaining the affections of my husband, but in reality, it’s all him.

DrBill's avatar

@gimmedat If you think it is all him, it may be well to note that 99.9% of these men are unfaithful with women. When you ask this question it is as if it is only men who do this, Well it’s not. Women are just as guilty.

In a survey (taken in 1987) found that the female started 73% of affairs. But the question is if this is a predisposed condition. Yes it is. The faithful are faithful, because of their own personal effort. It is part of the nature of males, (human and animal) to distribute their seed to as many females as possible, to create the most offspring possible. It is part of the nature of females, (human and animal) to breed with the best specimen they can find to insure the best chance of survival for their offspring.

The only thing that prevents widespread random breeding is evolution, human conditioning, and training. The one other factor for humans to deal with is love. Immature love (better known as lust) can cause jealousy and possessiveness of the selected partner. Animals, on the other hand do not have this type of love, and think nothing of going from one partner to another, or breeding with a partner they do not know.

The most common reason for unfaithfulness is that the people involved are looking for something they are not getting at home. If the person is satisfied with their home life, they have no reason to stray.

cyndyh's avatar

@gimmedat: lurve to ya.

@DrBill: The point is that the other woman didn’t make the vow. The husband did. So, it is all him. It’s not like he had an affair against his will. He didn’t just trip and fall into Jezebel. LOL! The “something they aren’t getting at home” thing is an excuse, not a reason. It’s a way to blame the faithful for the actions of the unfaithful.

DrBill's avatar

I’m not at all saying the dude was justified, he’s not. I am also not saying the one at home is at fault, their not.

The guilty parties are the ones who committed the act. If the woman starts with a married man, it is the duty of the married man to put a stop to it. Most often when I get a person using the excuse ‘not satisfied at home’ the spouse is not aware they want something else.

You can’t expect your partner to fulfill a need they are not aware of.

gimmedat's avatar

@Dr, I am saying that as much as I would want to cause serious physical harm to a woman with whom my husband has cheated, it would not be right. I could come up with a million reasons to knock some trick’s front teeth out, but in the end it’s my husbands responsibility to respect what he has at home.

gimmedat's avatar


gimmedat's avatar

@Dr, What’s relational psychology?

DrBill's avatar

It is Psychology applied to people in relationships for the benefit of the relationship.

keeping married people married

bythebay's avatar

@DrBill: Isn’t it based on Christian marriage principles/ideology?

DrBill's avatar

It is in part, but that is only a part of it.

gimmedat's avatar

@Dr, that’s cool. At what point shouldn’t married people stay married? With the whole infidelity thing, I say,“Bump that.” If my husband was ever foolish enough to step out on this, there isn’t a marriage.

DrBill's avatar


There is a point of no return in every relationship, where it is better to cut your losses and move on. Everyone has to decide for themselves where that point is.

Some people can live with infidelity (Hilary Clinton), some cannot (Lorena Bobbitt).

gimmedat's avatar

@DrBill, where, on the treating one’s spouse like shit spectrum, do you fall? I’m not meaning to sound dismissive or dubious, but am truly curious as to your professional opinion. I personally cannot think of anything or anyone in life worth selling out on my self-respect.

DrBill's avatar

That is up to you, some people put up with being a doormat for years, some draw the line at the first offence.

Myself, I draw the line at one! (I was married over 30 years)

In this case your opinion is the only one that counts… So, have you had enough?

If no, do nothing.
If yes, well you already know what you need to do.

bythebay's avatar

I would venture to guess there are many marriages that have sustained the crisis of infidelity. In those cases, if they indeed crossed that abyss and made it successfully to the other side with mutual respect and love for each other; I imagine they feel pride at having recovered; and not like an abuser and a doormat. The project of committing to try and repair a marriage and keep a family intact is not a failure but rather a success, I think.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther