Can you stop drinking and retain a social life?

yes

It’s pretty much identical to any event where I do drink.
Instead of a Rum & Coke I have a Coke. That’s it.

Yes, I think I could. Well… maybe I couldn’t. It would be hard for me. I’ve tried before and I wasn’t so successful. If I really, really wanted to (we all know wanting to stop is the first step, so to speak) I could do it, but I really don’t want to give up my alcohol.

@asmonet: But like, do you still enjoy yourself when everyone is drunk and rowdy and you’re not? And do people give you a hard time about it? How to deflect the chorus of “come on, just have a beer!”?

You definately shouldn’t need to drink to have a social life. BUT if being around people who are drinking influences you to drink, you need a different social circle. If you are trying to avoid something and you know you may be weak, don’t go near it.

Shirley Temple
Run & coke, hold the rum
virgin anything (and who doesn’t like virgins

Just do it. You will figure it out. Drinking is fun, and delicious, but sobriety around intoxicated people can be funny. By sometimes not drinking, you will force yourself to do not-alcohol related activities on weekend nights and this will add to your life in some new way.

@nikipedia: I say no, thank you I’m really not in the mood with a smile and it usually doesn’t keep their interest very long. I think in terms of behavior, I can be just as rowdy sober, I will however go home early if I don’t agree with their behavior or if it crosses a line. Maybe I’m blessed with friends who understand boundaries but I’ve never been pushed to have ‘one drink’ after I’ve said I was fine with what I had.

And you can make up stuff about the people who can’t remember. Don’t forget your camera…

@tennesseejac
congrats on breaking 1,000

I have a friend who doesnt drink because of health reasons but he is usually the life of the party and he tends to have more luck with the ladies. We stopped giving him a hard time a long time ago and its cool because if Im ever feeling like having a sober night I can hang around with him. Plus, there are tons of great activities that don’t involve alcohol that are fun (but I usually substitute weed for it, so I guess thats not too much better…. but no hangovers!!)

@DrBill Thanks!! I no longer feel like a newbie

My sister doesn’t drink because of medicine she is on, but hangs out at bars occasionally with friends if they are out. I think since most of them know no one pressures her or makes her feel bad that she is just having a coke. It all depends on if your secure in why you don’t have to drink to have fun. She is surrounded by great friends instead.

Good luck with all that. Drunk people annoy the hell out of me when I’m sober so if I can’t drink, for whatever reason, I most likely won’t go out that night.

Also, when you’re not drinking that makes you the designated driver. Yay! Being stuck with drunk people in a small enclosed area while traveling at a high rate of speed in a dangerous environment.

As for “find a new social group” ... yea, I don’t think so. If it were that easy I doubt you would be asking in the 1st place.

I say if you have the ability to go out and be surrounded by drunks while you enjoy your soda or water and don’t mind being the DD all the time then good for you. Enjoy it.
And if telling your friends, “no, I’m not drinking tonight” isn’t good enough for ‘em then what friends? You should walk anyway.

Yea, blondie411 reminded me of another “out” for ya. Just say “no” then, if questioned, say, “I’m on antibiotics.” Most people don’t ask for too many details after that.

or say you have a bad case of mono, but then you wouldn’t have too much luck with the opposite sex. I have gone out plenty of times and not drank. I think what she has problems with is dates and meeting at bars with guys that she doesn’t drink and then it turns into a discussion sometimes.

Sakata and my Dungeons and Dragons group meets SOCIALLY and sober six nights a week.

I think we all do just fine without the hootch.

[snorts, pushes his glasses up with his forefinger, and wonders when he’ll kiss a girl]

Alcohol does serve a purpose as a social lubricant, but I’ve been to many parties sober and still had a great time. That said, I’ve been to parties sober that absolutely sucked. You may have to “try” harder (i.e. do the things that alcohol does). You don’t really even need to make an excuse, although having a (non-alcoholic) drink in hand usually will usually exempt you from questioning! :)

Short answer: yes.

Nik I’m with you – trying to give it up, even though my husband is a freakin liquor rep. It’s EVERYWHERE. But it’s part of my quest to get healthy, and I’m going to try to back off by smoking a bit of pot before I go out, so I still feel party-ish, and giving up the liquor is not too big of a deal (I weaned down to premium vodka and soda), but the wine…le sigh. My issue is that it’s hard to stop at one drink – one turns into three or four soooo easily…but if you want to start a support group, I’m in! :)

I drink rarely. It hasn’t affected my social life in the least. Know that your friends will take their cue from you. If you think it’s weird that you’re not drinking, they’ll pick up on it and react. Even then, though, I feel good friends aren’t going to get on your case for not having a drink. @asmonet has got the right idea, I think.

Just be cool and everyone else will be cool. And as for the one jerkoff who’s not cool? Well, that’s usually the jackass anyway, right? Don’t worry about it and get your ginger ale on.

@Sakata. I feel as if you know me, you just described my life.

I’ve recently tried to stop drinking (as much) in the past weeks when I go out. I won’t lie. It is pretty difficult, and it was something I never saw myself being able to do or rather wanting to do. Going out and not drinking seemed impossible to me. But I wanted to have control and prove to myself it was something I was able to do. And yes, I have been told ‘I am boring now that I don’t drink’ or friends constantly looking at my empty hands, looking confused and asking why I am not drinking. Though, I just tell them no and they end up forgetting, drinking more, and carrying on. And in the end, we both have fun, especially when dancing is involved. So yes, it is possible to not drink and have a social life. :)
I decided that rather than quitting altogether, I must just practice moderation, something that has always been a struggle with me.

My mother is an alcoholic, she has now been sober for 2 years. She continues to have fun at social events regardless of the fact she doesn’t drink. Its the ability to control yourself, and avoid difficult situations.

What??? Are you kidding????

If you stop drinking, then you’ll have to hang out with really dull nerdy people. You’ll be going to couple dances, and symphonic concerts, and the ballet, and, for god’s sake, you might even go to the theatre!!!

I know. I know. This vision sounds worse than that conversation about hell that’s going on over there.

Oh, wait. If you stop drinking, you’ll stop blacking out, and finding yourself in some strange bed when you wake up, not even knowing which of the guys in the house belongs to the bed. How the hell are you going to get laid if you stop drinking??? Huh??? Tell me that???

Oh my god, you might even have to go out to dinner, and drink wine!!! How bourgeois. Drinking and not getting drunk??? Eating good food? Oh, horrors! You don’t want to turn into your parents do you??? God forbid!

No. I’m sorry. It’s out of the question. I can’t even believe you asked. You should be ashamed of yourself! I just don’t know if I can be seen with you any more.

Sheesh. And she’s into neuroscience, too.

I didn’t drink for 20 years due to health problems, and never really missed it. I had just as much fun, though it might have taken an extra 15 minutes to relax enough to do so. The only down-side for me was always being the presumed DD. Enough so that I finally said something about it, and then even that wasn’t a problem.

@daloon: I want to lurve you more but I can’t.

@niki: I’m like Asmonet. I’m pretty damn rowdy anyway. Stick me in a party with a bunch of rowdy people (whether drunk or not) and I have a grand old time. Also, don’t write off all the stuff you can do without drinking, just like daloon said. Watching a movie with friends, having a game night, even having a theme party (my friends and I want to do a Greek/Roman party with togas, Greek and Roman movies and Greek and Roman food, no alcohol) you can have a lot of fun.

Also, just like some other people have been saying, you’d be surprised how many people are understanding about you’re deciding not to drink or drinking less. Most of my friends drink and the most they do when I go to one of their parties is offer me a drink. When I refuse, they’re cool with it and then they might offer me a non-alcoholic drink. I’ve been to parties where no one has offered me a drink because it’s assumed that anyone who wants a drink will get it themselves.

@daloon: Dude, aren’t you making a lot of assumptions there? I know dull, nerdy people who drink themselves into oblivion and I know interesting, cool people who don’t. I can drink or not drink at the symphony, etc, but that doesn’t address the issue that the primary existing social event paradigm is drinking at the home of someone in my social group—and that this paradigm exists for plenty of good reasons.

And as for the implication that I must be blacking out and having promiscuous sex, well, I guess all I can say is thanks for your optimism, but I have had plenty of alcohol and not enough sex lately.

What if it wasn’t alcohol? Let’s say all my friends played soccer, the predominant social event was playing soccer, and I was choosing for a variety of reasons not to play soccer anymore. Sure, I can go to soccer games and watch, but it’s not nearly as fun as playing. And that will make my already difficult decision to stop playing soccer much harder, since I will be watching people play and enjoy themselves.

If that were the case, would you have any useful advice—say, try to organize an alternate social event; seek a supplemental social group that does not participate—or would you just make some sarcastic jokes stereotyping soccer players?

It currently does effect my social life, but it didn’t use to. I stopped drinking at the age of 21. A really bad time considering all of my friends could now legally get drunk. It used to not bother me. I accepted my fate as the DD, and would still have a great time at the bars and clubs. The one thing I did have at the time was at least one other friend who stayed sober. That made the experience all the more bearable. (I should take this time to say that I did not become sober do to alcoholism, I did not have a problem with alcohol, and was not in a program of any sort, it was and is a very conscious statement on my part about how I feel alcohol is used in our community, especially the GLBT community)

Just having that one friend to turn to when every one had become so drunk they cease being funny made going out worth it. For a variety of reasons I currently have no sober friends in my life. And as a result I don’t find myself in bars and clubs anymore. If you are ok being around a group of drunk people, and are willing to be DD. Then yes, you can still very much have a social life, maybe even a better one cuz they are always looking for a DD. But if you are anything like me, and find intoxication the lowest form of human behavior (my own opinion that I know is not shared by many) it can be very uncomfortable going to a bar and watching all of your friends get drunk. As a result, I see my friends at times when they don’t drink. For some friends this isn’t much of a problem. For others, I have noticed that I am missing out on a large part of their lives, and because of that our friendship has been changing.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes of course you can still have a social life while sober. But it’s not going to be the same one you had while drinking. And it won’t be that of the mainstream. Our culture revolves around drinking. It’s a billion dollar industry and the world has bought into it. It isn’t going away, and if you want nothing of it, you end up missing out on that part of our society.

The older you get, the easier it gets I think alcohol tastes nasty so wheb I was younger I used to order a juicy drink or vodka rocks for my 1st drink then get just juice or mineral water for my second. Then when I ordered the same it was dry.

After marriage and motherhood there was less barhopping and nobody cares what you are drinking. When I hit 40, I decided I was going to stop doing things I didn’t want to do so I haven’t had a drink since. I still go to the TGIF parties with my colleagues but enjoy the conversation with diet cola.

Try just saying you don’t drink, or you don’t want to (and mean it). It works, and if people give you a hard time, you have discovered a bonus annoying person detection system.

Drunk and rowdy does not really equate to “fun.” And not drinking means money you save. Someone once bet my daughter’s ex-boyfriend he couldn’t go a month without drinking. Not only did he collect the bet, he found he was $200 richer at the end of the month.

I went a little more than 5 years without drinking. I quit smoking and had a hard time associating my drinking with wanting a smoke. So, I didn’t drink either. I am able to drink again without wanting a smoke. (I do still have trouble watching French movies without wanting a cigarette, but that’s another issue all together. :^> )

Most people really don’t care what you’re drinking unless they’re asking because they’re pouring. You’ll probably find you don’t need to announce it and set yourself up for permanent DD status. Just get your drinks yourself or have a friend who’s in on what you’re doing. You don’t make a big deal about it and no one else will (usually).

One up side is that you’re more likely to win when playing pool, darts, pub trivia or when you’re bowling.

I hope you overstated your soccer example above. Is the partying so revolved around drinking that that’s the core purpose of the gathering? When my circle of friends get together the core purpose is the gathering, talking, celebration, and friendship. The drinking is secondary.

I don’t drink simply because I just never developed a taste for it. Not any sort of health or moral statement.
I have never felt that my social life has been negatively impacted. When I am in social situations, if someone asks, I just tell them I don’t drink. However, I do remember when I was younger , the peer presure of those who would try to talk me into it. If you do what you know is right for you, the rest will all work itself out.

@nikipedia: Ok, sorry about the parody. However, to be serious, if all your friends drink, and you drink because of social pressure, then you will not be able to stop until you start hanging out with new friends.

At least, that is what I understand twelve step programs tell people.

The excuses other people have given only work once.

If you want any chance to stay with your friends and not drink, you are going to need their help. You will have to be overt about what you plan to do, and get them to cooperate, by not urging you to drink, and by respecting your wishes. If they can’t do that, you either drink, or get new friends.

Good luck [and I say that both ways, as in “I don’t think it can be done,” and “I really do wish you luck with this.” It will be good for you in so many ways]

@daloon: lurve4u

You can, but it’s hard. People always expect you to drive all the time and you gotta take care of your drunk friends so they don’t do something stupid and end up getting run over by a truck or something.

I find drinking at home more fun…the cigars taste better there too.

I stopped drinking for a bit; then realized how much I missed the taste. Plus, I don’t drink to get drunk- drunk ain’t fun. been there, threw that up

Also, I’ve gotten smashed on wine at a dinner party (@daloon) before. Once or twice. “A good time was had by all;” I had such good intentions.

@daloon What if your friends are co-workers, you really can’t get new friends then can you? What does one do when they know that getting drunk (wasted) is not good for you or your family but you have the constant pressure from co-workers to do such thing? Do you continue to be called a “pussy” by these so called friends? Just curious.

sorry about the Eagles

Jonsblond, your co-workers are co-workers. If you lose your job, most of these people will completely vanish from your life. Friends do not pressure you to get drunk, enablers do.

Yes, you can. It just won’t be the same one you’ve had when you drank, even if you keep your same crowd (which I can’t imagine, but then I drink). And that’s not altogether a bad thing. Good luck, and blessed be!

@AlfredaPrufrock So true, just makes it very difficult to be surrounded by enablers.

@jonsblond: You don’t have to hang with co-workers much, if at all. If you do hang out with them they either get used to it or you cut back the time you spend with them. Who you hang out with isn’t an all or nothing thing.

Also, when someone says “enabler” I think of someone who makes it easy for you to drink (or do whatever negative thing) not someone who out and out pushes it on you.

Enablers are people who encourage you to do things to justify their own habits. If I can get you to come out and drink with me, then there is nothing wrong with drinking too much after work. Because we all do it, and that makes it okay.

Tell them you heard you are all going to be laid off and you can’t afford to go out; you need to save the money.

Oh Alfreda… how I lurve you so! If it were only so easy. :)

I guess I just never found it so hard, folks.

@jonsblond: like I said, peer pressure creates a strong motivation for people to drink. If your coworkers are applying the pressure, your options are pretty much the same. Leave the company, or talk to them and explain what you are trying to do in a reasonable way, and ask for their help. If they are jerks, they’ll keep doing what they’re doing, and you’ll either become a drunk, or leave.

As to being called a pussy—I have to say this. If it bothers you, they you are a pussy, and if your aren’t a pussy, it won’t bother you. A strong person knows their own strength, no matter what their peers say. A strong person isn’t thrown off their track by peer pressure. A strong person, male or female, is not a pussy, as the term is used here. Believe me, I’ve been called a lot of things. I just agree, because it really doesn’t matter to me. I’ve done far worse things to myself than anyone else can do to me. I barely even notice that kind of shit. What I’m looking for is apprecation for the things I do right. Not so easy, my friend. Not so easy.

@cyndyh: That’s cool that it was so easy for you, but I can’t help but feel a little judged and condescended to. Of course the primary motivation for getting together is to spend time with each other, or else everyone would sit in their rooms drinking alone. I don’t think I ever suggested that drinking was the sole purpose for getting together.

I am glad your experience with not drinking was so positive, but it sounds like based on what you’ve said, your situation is not really comparable to the social environment I am currently immersed in.

I am surrounded by people that enjoy (to put it mildly) alcohol. More so than people that don’t drink. I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy a few drinks myself, I know my limit though. I just find it very difficult to get away from and long for the days when I could hang with my childhood friend who was Mormon. no pressure there

Niki: When I quit drinking, I was only 18 or 19 years old, and that’s pretty much all we did…get together and drink our asses off. Because of thyroid and medication issues, I somehow got to the point of 1 sip = puking. Never even got tipsy, just right to the damn toilet. I wasn’t about to go out and get new friends, either. I just told them what the deal was, and they accepted it. You may borrow my excuse if you like :) Happily for me, I still had lots of fun without the booze. Another way to minimize the pressure is to always have a drink in hand, gingerale or coke work well as they are assumed to be mixed drinks. Then you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.

@nikipedia: Looking at your soccer example you do seem to be implying that the drinking is the primary reason to get together as the soccer game would be if you get together with people to play soccer. That was the point. If that’s a useful analogy for you then the drinking may be more central to the gatherings in your mind than you’d like it to be. If that’s not what you meant than your analogy is overstating the importance of the drinking.

I’m not condescending. You’ve just asked about something I have experience with and you’ve said you don’t. If anything, I’m just telling you may be overly worried or underestimating your friends.

You don’t really know about any social situation I was in at the time from what I said above. But maybe you need to look at why you either seem to be finding it so hard or why you expect to find it so hard. Most people who are friends are better friends than that. I do wish you luck.

It’s hard to retain a social life without alcohol when you want a social life without alcohol, but you are the only one.

Let me ask you this, I you were to develop a liver ailment and had to stop drinking, these people would drop you like a hot potato? Your social life would end? Or would they encourage you to choose death?

Yes. My boyfriend has never been a drinker and has always been friends with drinkers and he does fine. It makes him the eternal DD. I find that if I don’t want to drink at a get-together, I get/make a half full cup of whatever beverage and basically hold it all night. No one asks if I want some booze or pressures me to booze, but I also don’t drink. It’s a bit wasteful, so it isn’t ideal for if you are out at a bar or whatever.

If you are going to things where you have to buy booze by the glass and want to conserve money, I hear saying you have to conserve money is rather popular these days. And honest.

Coming from Ireland, I used to be as hard a drinker as the best of them. But there came a point in my life when I didn’t like the feeling of getting drunk, the taste (well, I never really liked that anyway) and especially the gawdawful “morning after”. So I quit, totally. On visits to my family it was difficult at first (I used to be introduced as “this is my sister – she doesn’t drink!”) but by and by, everyone got used to me being the only one staying sober while all around me blethered into their beer or disappeared under the table. My social life has improved massively, mostly, I venture to say, because I am conscious of what is going on around me and can stay coherent all night! Having said that, most of my friends are not drinkers now so that makes a difference. As EmpressPixie’s boyfriend, you could end up as the DD but I think that’s a fairly good swap… and your liver will thank you!

Social life is so much more…., well, social if conversation is good and people really listen to each other (not your usual “let’s knock back another bucket of Margarita’s” situation)

Hey Irishsoul! Welcome to fluther! I wonder if you are the Irishsoul I think you are?

You bet your booty… the one, the only…...Irishsoul! Tada!
(Hey, I thought I recognised those rosy cheeks! )
:-)