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hahniam's avatar

Justified feelings?

Asked by hahniam (79points) January 19th, 2009

Okay, my best friend just told me that she has been having an affair for the last 5 months. I talked to her Saturday night on the phone. That night I was very consoling and supportive. I truly believe that this was a mistake….a symptom a marriage that has been having problems for over a year.

What I feel betrayed and angry about is the fact that she didn’t tell me for five months. She said it was because our families, not only her and I are so close. I guess she was afraid of a leak back to her husband. I also am very worried for her because she does not see the need to kick this guy to the curb. She stated that she wants to work on her marriage, I know that her husband does. This guy is only going to distract her even if she has cut off the sex part of the affair.

She has been gone for two weeks…at her mother’s house out of state to think about her situation and what she is going to do. She wants to see me tonight. I want to see her too, I have missed my friend, but I am afraid that I will not be able to hide my feelings.

Are my feelings even justified? Sigh…

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10 Answers

dynamicduo's avatar

You have a right to have whatever feelings you want at anytime you want to. What you choose to do with those feelings is what matters most.

Do you want to be there for your friend, no holds barred, no reason needed? If so, don’t bring up your feelings on this issue, just be there for your friend and listen to what she has to say, I’m sure she’ll have tons to discuss.

Do you want to improve the relationship between you two? Then I feel it’s justified to bring up your emotions using “I” sentences and not “you” sentences: “I feel betrayed because you didn’t tell me for so long”, not “Why didn’t you hide it for so long from your best friend?!”.

In both cases, realize that she’s dealing with a bigger issue now, the stability of her marriage, compared to the hurt of a friend. If I were in your friend’s situation, I sure wouldn’t tell my friends about my affair, no matter how close we were! However, if you approach the situation with a calm head, you two can likely have a discussion in which the answer to why she didn’t tell you can be found.

elijah's avatar

You feel betrayed and angry because she didn’t tell you immediately? She is going through some serious, heartbreaking shit here, and you are angry because you weren’t the first person she thought of? Wow. You don’t have to agree with her actions, but as a friend you need to step back and think about what she is going through. Of course you can tell her you think what she did was wrong, a friends place is to give an honest opinion and you may be her voice of reason. Making this issue about you is selfish.

hahniam's avatar

Eliahsuicide…I never thought that I should be the first person that she should have told. I felt a little hurt that it took 5 months….we see each other almost daily. I know she has much bigger issues going on than my feelings, but my main question was am I being silly for feeling this way, not that she should put aside all her really important, life altering things going on right now to deal with me. I will tell her eventually, but I just wanted a little feed back for feeling in a funk about it all….her situation, her and my situation….I don’t feel selfish.

elijah's avatar

Your feelings are your feelings, so no they aren’t silly because they exist. But I will stand by my opinion that you shouldn’t make this about you. Maybe she was confused, ashamed, embarrassed, whatever. The point of a friend is having the choice to confide in them. It’s an option. Not a mandatory action.

hahniam's avatar

Well, I am not on the same page as you elijahsuicide….I don’t think we are understanding each other.

elijah's avatar

I guess not. Sorry I couldn’t give you the opinion you wanted to hear. Best of luck with your problem.

hahniam's avatar

Thanks for wishing me luck with my problem, it will work out and when I see her tonight I will be the loving and supporting friend I have been to her for over 20 years. I just didn’t agree with your opinion that I was trying to make her problems about me and my feelings. I just wanted to know I guess if others might understand, would they feel that way, etc. I must not have expressed myself well in the first post.

Tantigirl's avatar

At this stage I would suggest not saying anything while you are feeling raw like this, unless she asks you specifically how you feel. Even then, if it were me, I’d probably tell her that I needed time to think things out in my own mind, so that I could give her the best support that I am able to. I think that because this is unexpected news, you’ll need time to digest it, to work things out, and decide how you really feel about 1) that she has been doing this, which is obviously something you don’t think she should have done or be doing, and 2) that she took so long to confide in you about it.

I suspect that you may well be the only person she has told about it, and I think the fact that she told you at all says a whole lot about what you are to her. I feel that she loves and trusts you, and from what you have previously said, you feel the same way about her.

I think that all you can do is be there for her. She is obviously a close friend who means a whole lot to you, and you have been there for each other for over twenty years, so I do not blame you at all for feeling disappointed that she didn’t confide in you. I think that your feelings are justified, and I think that you know her well enough to know when it will be the right time to tell her.

hahniam's avatar

Thank you Tantigirl for your insightful and gentle answer.

My problem of hurt feelings….are on the back burner, for a later date. My friend, and supporting her right now are formost. I did see her later that night and I was able to be there for her without letting her know that I was a little hurt. Good for me, because I tend to be a person that wears her heart on her sleeve….very hard for me to hide how I feel!


Tantigirl's avatar

I have a feeling, that because of how well you know each other, she is aware of how you would be/are feeling, and felt that you would be there for her regardless. I think that she knew that you would be able to put that aside, especially when you knew how much she needs you at the moment. I love the fact that she is right, you are there for her. You have been able to put your thoughts and feelings to the side for the moment. I hope you are proud of yourself, because you really should be. She is lucky to have a friend like you. ;)

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