General Question

tennesseejac's avatar

Do you think its "cool" to ask someone out on a date that you don’t find physically attractive and have no plans for a relationship with, if so, should this be known up front?

Asked by tennesseejac (3778points) January 19th, 2009

I asked a girl out that is not my type (no sexual attraction), but she has a beautiful brain and she is very interesting. I just want to have fun and I think she’s been single for a while, so I know she could use the company. **But this is not a sympathy date by any means**

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23 Answers

aprilsimnel's avatar

Then it’s just hanging out, right? Nothing wrong with hanging out if it’s clear that it’s all that’s happening from the get-go for all involved parties. Sounds like friendship to me!

onesecondregrets's avatar

If you honestly just enjoy her company then ask her out, but not as a date if you don’t see it furthering like that at all. By starting it out as a “date” that’s not being upfront about your intentions right there. Let her know it’s strictly friends, she’ll let you know how she feels about the siteeeation too.

robmandu's avatar

That’s the best kind of way to date. No pressure. No expectations. Just good times hanging out.

And worry about the compatibility/attraction factors later.

Now, whatever you do, if she ends up thinking that this has turned into a romantic encounter, do not chicken out of confrontation and allow her to think you’re being romantic back.

You don’t need to be explicit up front. I think you should have plenty of opportunity to drop the right kind of subtle hints to let her know this is a “friend” thing.

scamp's avatar

I think it’s fine as long as you let her know you only want to hang out as friends, so she doesn’t get her hopes up. When you ask her, just say something like: Hey, I like spending time with you. We have a lot in common. Wanna hang out sometime? That makes it sound innocent, and not like you are asking for a date.

Lightlyseared's avatar

Cool as in “OK” or cool as in “The Fonz – Eyyy”?

If you only date people who you are phsically attracted to and want a relationship with you are going to spend alot of time being disappointed or not going on dates.

russellsouza's avatar

If you know right away that you have absolutely zero physical chemistry with this girl and think there’s no chance you ever will, you should make it clear that you’re just friends hanging out and bonding. I don’t know why she’s been single for a long time but you don’t want to lead her on. To make sure there is absolutely no confusion, when you’re out with her you might want to casually remark that a girl who walks by is “pretty cute” or mention another guy and be like “you two look like you might hit it off.”

Jack79's avatar

why would you ask her on a “date”? I think maybe a definition is warranted here. I’ve often been out with girls (or boys for that matter) as friends. To just eat, or catch a movie together. I even have this one girl that we always watch movies together, but never anything else. But I would not call these “dates”. It is pretty clear to both sides (just like when I go out with a heterosexual man) that there is not going to be any sex in the horizon, not now, not ever.

So as long as this is clear, I don’t see why you shouldn’t sit down and talk with an unattractive yet interesting girl. Or man. Or fish for that matter.

It’s the dishonest leading on that would be a problem.

answerjill's avatar

As a perpetually single woman, I can tell you that I am not necessarily lonely and that I will only hang out with you if I like you—It is not like I have nothing else to do and don’t have any important people in my life (such as friends and family).

answerjill's avatar

Hmm. Also, in your profile, you do mention sex as an “interest” several times. Are you sure that you are not, in some way, hoping that this girl (whom you assume is lonely) will have sex with you—even though you say that you are not attracted to her?

srtlhill's avatar

The last time I did this type of cool thing was to go to a concert. Richard Marx. She had an extra ticket. I told her I did not want a relationship but would go as friends. Yea that was 14 years ago we’ve been married since then. Keep an open mind and an open heart but communicate always. By the way she’s the greatest person in my world. Good luck.

tennesseejac's avatar

@answerjill like i mentioned, i am only interested in her brain not her body and unlike some men i have stong feelings about not sleeping with just anyone (especially if there is no sexual attraction). I didn’t say she was lonely and im sure she has friends and family to spend time with, i just know she has been single for a couple of years and im single and we share some of the same interests.

i guess the term “date” shouldn’t be used, but im not a big fan of the term “hang out”...

@Lightlyseared Eyyyy. yeah, i meant “ok” and thanks for the advice

answerjill's avatar

Thanks for the explanation, TJ!

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

JC, honey. You are officially engaged in “old school” dating. You ask someone out on a date, sugar, because you enjoy spending time with them. Period. That’s what you described.

I will spare you the observation that people who are fun to be with become attractive over time. You can learn that on your own. I will however, suggest that you that if you find that you can make her laugh, you’d better propose on the spot.

I hope you have a great time!

seekingwolf's avatar

I’m not sure if “date” is the right word for it, but if you basically mean “hanging out”, sure why not?

Just as long as you don’t send her mixed signals/lead the gal on, you’re good to go! Just set your limits to make sure you don’t send mixed signals, and have fun!

nebule's avatar

exactly how many girls are you dating at the moment TJ??? lol ;-)

tennesseejac's avatar

@lynneblundell : As much as I dont like the term, “Im just hanging out”. Im as single as it comes. But, I actually do wish I were done with first dates, thats why Im trying to get as much advice on my current situation and Im trying to figure out some of my past problems so they dont happen again.

nebule's avatar

It obviously seems really important to you looking for a partner…I hope you find someone you really like soon… I feel like I might get all excited!! It’d be nice to have some happy news x

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

JC, my sister was married twice and had a succession of live-in boyfriends. My mother kept on telling her she was looking for the wrong type of man. In a fit of pique, she decided to date the type of person my mother thought would be “her type” in order to prove my mother wrong.

They’ve been married for 6 years now, and have a lovely little daughter.

If what you’ve looked for in the past hasn’t worked out, then by all means try something different. “Date” sounds much more charming and fun than “hanging out” (which makes me think of shirttails.)

steve6's avatar

Be careful, I’ve fallen in love unexpectedly like that. The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Can you just flip her over? Or is that bad?

steve6's avatar

I’m sorry, I answered brashly before thinking. I meant no disrespect only that she sounds like a wonderful person. Good luck and be careful. The girl in my situation was badly in love with me and I had to end it painfully. She probably still pines for me. You get the picture.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@steve6, you admit you’d fallen in love with a girl for the right reasons, dumped her for shallow self-serving reasons because she loved you but she wasn’t “pretty enough” or you were so insecure that your friends wouldn’t think she was “hot enough”, ended it with a painful break-up, and you think she pines for you?

Oh yeah, we get the picture!!

stephen's avatar

its not a date, its hanging out with friend,

baterpark91's avatar

tell her that you want to hang out…not go on a date.

when calling it a date, you may get her hopes up.

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