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missjena's avatar

How does one do the right thing by a potential stalker/obscessor to get them to leave you alone forever?

Asked by missjena (910points) January 22nd, 2009 from iPhone

I was dating this nice guy for just barely 3 months not even. I always new there was something off about him and now I’m sure. He won’t accept we are now just friends. He is odd in general. Then someone recently broke into my myspace account and messages a friend of mine, mike , pretendiing they were me implying we had sex! It had to b this guy. I asked him because I had some evidence against him and he denied. Either way he was acting strange and was scaring me. I tried to be nice and end it but today I really had to tell him scream it into his head basically I just want to b friends. He’s weird. I’m gonna just ignore him but I want him to stay away from me. He’s creepy. Should I be real worried about this guy? Will he eventually get the point and leave me alone? What do I do?!

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29 Answers

PupnTaco's avatar

Restraining order would be my first thought.

asmonet's avatar

It seems too early to tell if he’s going to be a true problem or he’s just odd and not getting the message, tell him firmly and clearly, that it is over and that you would rather not see him again, if it persists speak to the police.

Being the nice guy is not an option now.

missjena's avatar

The least thing I want to do is get him angry bc according to those lifetime movies that’s when they hurt their victim the most. Besides going to the cops do you think just ignoring him will work? Anyone been through this before?

asmonet's avatar

Lifetime movies are not your best resource for sound advice. Tell him to leave you alone, he’s not welcome in your life then ignore him. Never return an IM, text, email or call from him. Again, if he persists past that, speak to the police in your area.

missjena's avatar

LOL I watch the true lifetime movies and cold casefiles but ur right. I’m just gonna ignore him. Wow I’ve never had this happen to me n it’s creepy.

asmonet's avatar

I have, it’s not fun. Do what I said, he should wander off on his own. :)

missjena's avatar

@asmonet. Do they usually just leave u alone n give up?

asmonet's avatar

Oh, and you can also get your cell carrier to block his number from calling or texting you if you explain the situation to them, then add his email to your spam list, set your myspace to private and he’s essentially locked out.

Yes, generally they do. The chances of him being an honest to god psycho are slim. Just be aware, cut ties and watch out for him. If he doesn’t disappear in a month or two you can deal with it then.

missjena's avatar

He’s a friend on my myspace now he’s already “hurt” I accused him of writing that message. By taking him off my friends list is that adding fuel to the fire?

asmonet's avatar

I don’t put much stock in MySpace. Just remove him and set it to private, who cares if he’s hurt? Remember, he’s the one following you. You owe him nothing. It’s your MySpace, you have a right to inculde anyone you want and to remove them as you feel necessary.

funkdaddy's avatar

Why not handle the situation instead of being rude and ignoring it?

I haven’t dealt with as many advancing gentleman as asmonet, but I have asked a fair number of ladies out. The ones who are honest always have my respect, the only misunderstandings seem to come from someone being unwilling to address the situation.

Talk to him, you’re going to have situations like this for the rest of your life, high school is a great time to practice dealing with people. Explain to him you’re not interested in a romantic relationship and then tell him what kind of relationship you would be happy with. If that’s none, let him know. If you’d like to hang out, let him know that. He’s learning “the rules” as well. Treat each other like adults and others will usually react to you in kind.

missjena's avatar

It’s such a shame to because I got along with his sister and his friends they are my age. So I’m assuming if I take him off I havevto take all his friends/sister off too? He also asked if I was still gonna hangout with his sister and I said no. I really liked his sister to.

missjena's avatar

@funkdaddy- I did do that. I sat him down twice and respectfully told him how I felt. I answered any questions he had and that’s when all the creepiness began. I treat people how I would want to be treated. But he’s not accepting this at all! It’s scary.

asmonet's avatar

@funkdaddy: Hehe, yeah I would have said the same but if she’s already tried being nice and talking to him clearly, then you gotta assume he’s just not interesting in listening.

asmonet's avatar

You can still hang out with whoever you want to, his sister might be tricky, you might just have to give it some time before you can hang out with her if he does get the message and backs off. Let him be without you for a bit then maybe if his sis is interested you can chill. But is she so important to you as a friend you have to keep her company? Sometimes there are casualties in relationships, and not just the two involved. It sucks, but you want to be careful not to give the boy an ‘in’ to your life again.

missjena's avatar

Yeah I’ve tried. He even does strange things like for example he will (as friends) ask me to hangout with him on a specific day. I tell him I am sorry I can’t I already made plans and he says ok. Then the next day he will say ” so where do u wanna go Saturday”. I tell him I already told u I had plans that day im sorry. He gets mad and is like ” what r u kidding me we had plans!”. What a freak! He did this twice in 2 weeks! What’s wrong with him?

missjena's avatar

@asmonet. The thing I don’t understand is we weren’t bf/gf and I only met him on Halloween! He hasn’t even known me that long then he tries to insult me like we moved to fast! Meanwhile I’m like it takes 2! Plus I thought I did like him n I def don’t now and never will.

asmonet's avatar

Cut ties. Move on.
Distance yourself.

judochop's avatar

Spray him in the face with bear mace. Kick him when he is down and then get a restraining order. f

asmonet's avatar

^Yes that’s always an option.

amanderveen's avatar

It seems on one hand you’re telling him you just want to be friends, but on the other hand that he really creeps you out. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to be even friends anymore with someone who is seriously creeping me out, especially if talking to him about it hasn’t resolved the issue. I would tell him that his behavior has been making me feel extremely uncomfortable and that I no longer want to be around him. If he continues to harass you after that, I would seriously consider talking to the authorities and asking their advice.

susanc's avatar

I think amanderveen’s advice followed by asmo’s is about right; put asmo’s in the middle; that is:
1. tell him the truth: he’s creeping you out, it’s scarey, you want him to stop it right now and you’re going to cut off ties because of it.
2. then do that.
3. if he doesn’t cut it out, call the cops.

He can go one of two ways – back off, which you want, or escalate. If he escalates, you need protection, see item 3.

Tell his sister what you’re doing and why. She’s your friend. It may make her unhappy to know he’s gone around the bend like this, but she’ll also understand that you want to be clear with her and keep her friendship. It may even be that she can talk to the parents (who need to know he’s not doing well; maybe they can help him).

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

There is no being friends in this circumstance. He’s potentially dangerous. By saying you’re friends, you’re giving him hope. Tell him why, that you can never, ever be friends or love someone who does not respect your boundaries.

dynamicduo's avatar

Stop associating with this person completely. No hanging out, no communication whatsoever, no visual contact, nothing. By continuing to associate with him you are not sending him the message of “leave me alone, I don’t want to associate with you”, you are sending the message of “sometimes I say things that I don’t mean, as demonstrated by me hanging out with you now, so you just need to ask me multiple times.” And that’s why he’s still bothering you.

If you have told him to leave you alone and cease contacting you, and he continues to persist, go to the police and get a restraining order. You have no obligation to this person whatsoever, and no they will not just get it one day and leave you alone unless you make it crystal clear that that’s how things will go from here on.

You might also tell the police that he hacked into one of your online accounts. I believe this is some type of crime in the States and that might help get your restraining order put in place faster.

wundayatta's avatar

Let me reiterate what others have said: you can not be friends with this guy. It is a confusing message. He thinks you aren’t really breaking it off, because you still hang out with him. No more hanging out. No more friend on myspace. No more talking, or phoning, or messaging. This may sound horrible, but it is the kindest thing you can do. Don’t worry about being nice and reasonable.

I was in a situation like this once, and the woman kept on trying to be “nice” to me. She’d talk to me and write to me (this was before computers and the Internet), and it was torture for me. I wish she had cut me off completely. Then things would have been clear. Men, I think, appear to women to be stupid this way. But it’s true. You have to bonk us on the head with a sledge hammer if you want us to pay attention and believe you are serious about relationship stuff.

I think what susanc said about talking to his sister about it is also a good idea. You can warn her that the behavior creeps you out. You can find out if he’s done stuff like this before. You can see if her loyalty is to you, or him. But in the end, I think you will probably lose her friendship, too. The only way to keep it would be to see her in places he would not go. Visiting her at home will torture him.

missjena's avatar

Great answers everyone. I told him lastnight he’s being creepy and strange, that I no longer wanna speak to him. That I am very busy and it’s nothing personal. I am just so embarrassed for the wAy he was behaving. It’s honestly rather pathetic. I couldn’t believe some of the things he said. But I am going to take him off myspace and ignore his calls etc. It’S easy for me to do it. There’s a 2% chance he wasn’t the one who broke into my myspace but it was obvious to me it was. He denied it but either way he’s been strange so I’m still cutting ties.

susanc's avatar

Good work, missjena. “Easy to do it”? That’s a big shift for you.

But: “nothing personal”, hmmm. I don’t think so. He personally has behaved in
a way a person shouldn’t; you personally have been frightened and embarrassed by him. However, now that you’ve been honest with him
... well, it’s easier to behave well in relationship that’s not confusing.

I love what daloon says about men needing to be bonked on the head. Sorry to say, I’ve had to be bonked quite a lot myself, when there were things I didn’t want to learn.

wundayatta's avatar

@susanc: thanks ;-)

@missjena: I really wish you wouldn’t have said that you’re busy and it was nothing personal. That’s opening a door for him to walk in when you aren’t busy. He may decide very soon that you aren’t busy. And besides, it is personal.

Still, it sounds like he may have gotten the message. All those things you couldn’t believe he said. Was he really mad at you? Did he insult you? If so, believe it or not, that’s a good thing. He’ll only get truly upset if he truly believes there’s no hope.

belakyre's avatar

I think this is a bit early to think that he is a stalker/obscessor. However, you can ask friends to try to approach this guy with the fact that you’re just friends now. If he repeatedly denies or doesn’t accept that, then its time for some further action. You might have to cut all ties with him, and if he persists….calling the cops?

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