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kelly8906's avatar

A drunken mind is a sober heart?

Asked by kelly8906 (340points) January 28th, 2009

I have a friend who is quite a few years older then me. I’m 19 and he is 27. Anyway, whenever we hang out (if he’s been drinking), he will tell me how he’s falling in love with me, and I have a 3 year old daughter, so he says how he wishes she was his and my child. When he is sober, he is the most distant person I have ever met in my life. Emotions never get brought up, in fact, he makes a point of telling me he isn’t in love with me. I don’t understand what’s going on. Why does he act that way when he is drunk? When he is sober, he will also make these comments about how I have too many guy friends and things of that nature.I really like him, so this sucks for me!!! Any advice?

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23 Answers

elijah's avatar

I would stop getting drunk with him. Tell him you have better things to do, like be a mother to your child. Tell him you are trying to be an adult, and when he is done playing games he is welcome to come back into your lives. You need a healthy relationship with someone. Your kid sees and hears more than you think. I know it’s hard but you have to make decisions based on what’s right for the kid.

cage's avatar

Beer goggles?

Aethelwine's avatar

Keep it a friendship for now. If he can’t express his feelings for you while sober, he’s not emotionally ready for a relationship.

I agree with elijahsuicide, children come first.

KrystaElyse's avatar

If he has to be drunk to tell you those things, then he might not truly feel that way. And especially if he makes a point to tell you he’s not into you when he’s sober, then either he’s hiding his feelings or he really doesn’t feel that way. I wouldn’t waste my time on someone who plays with your feelings like that.

chelseababyy's avatar

My boyfriend is not distant, but just like that when drunk. He doesn’t want kids, but when he’s drunk he tells me that he wouldn’t mind eventually having kids with me. Kinda crazy.
The boyfriend always jokes about how I talk to all these dudes, and I don’t and says stuff like “tell him I said hey”. It’s actually quite annoying but I know it’s jokes, though I have a feeling his insecurities play a part in it, you know?
When you guys are drunk you should like record what he says, and play it back when he’s sober. Sit down and ask him about it. Or maybe make a list of things he says, as he’s saying them. When the boyfriend and I would talk sometimes it would be online, before I lived with him and I’d save the convo and paste it back to him.

Maybe sober, he’s just afraid to tell you or he’s not ready.. Just like elijahsuicide said, tell him you have better things to do than play games.

dynamicduo's avatar

My advice: do not continue pursuing a romantic relationship with this person.

cage's avatar

tbh, I’m not being harsh here, and it’s certainly not the way I want it to come out, but be prepared for it…

If he’s so drunk he can’t remember what he’s said, just think how mental his head must be at the time…
He wouldn’t have control at all. When I say Beer goggles, I don;t mean you’re ugly, I mean the guy is being a bit more – out there and open, thanks to the beer.
Maybe this is his way of nervously drunken flirting?

nebule's avatar

he sounds a bit like me tbh… eek…

I’m not quite that extreme! I have a man-friend who I hang out with, who i am attracted to on different levels but these levels fluctuate depending on many different factors… I’m a bit of an emotional fuck up in some ways, but i am doing a good job at sorting things out for myself… However, in the meantime you still need to have fun, have a friend and have a life. Getting drunk reveals parts of yourself that you are either not aware of sober or not willing to acknowledge as much when you are sober. Either way; If i was you, i wouldn’t get involved with me…

My man friend knows i’m not sure how i really feel about him and that there probably is not a long term future with me. However, he still comes round and still holds out that hope. Am i cruel or he is a fool? We might both get the fairy tale in the end anyway?

If you love the guy ; stick around until you know for sure that he’s not going to change…he may indeed surprise you…but you probably know deep down what to do…

aprilsimnel's avatar

Oooh, that’s so irritating! I knew a couple of guys like that in college. Just… GAH! go away with your mixed-up head mess!

OK, there’s an old Latin phrase In vino veritas, which means “In wine, truth,” or people say what they really mean when they’re drunk. I’m not sure I subscribe to that 100%, but the truth in his case might be that there he is, lonely and drunk, and in his heart, he would like a woman and a family; you’re sitting there and his brain’s a bit fuzzy and then he says something like that.

Just be straight with him. Tell him you’re interested, and the hot and cold routine is giving you the vapours, so he’s got to figure out what he wants in a relationship with you, friends or what? If he can’t figure it out; then you can’t hang out with this person anymore, it’s not good for you emotionally to be wrapped up in someone else’s confusion. You have a child who needs you to be as clearheaded as possible for her sake.

Plus, he’s well out of order for telling you what you have too many of. You’re allowed to have as many guy friends as you like, as long as it’s not affecting your interaction with your child. That he said such a thing, by itself, regardless of his drunken babbling, would give me pause.

MrMontpetit's avatar

I say quit getting drunk with guys almost 10 years older than you and take care of your kid.

kelly8906's avatar

LoL, man I got a ton of responses in an hours time. I don’t drink with him, I don’t drink at all. And my daughter is always my first priority, just for the record. :) Thanks for all the responses, I think I will just try and move on from him.

jackley's avatar

No serious person needs to get liquored up to express their true feelings or thoughts.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

Hm, I think that saying is true, drunk mind sober heart.
But if only life was that simple right. maybe he does like you and desires you, but because of certain realities that are apparent to him when hes sober, he doesn’t want to express them. Jackley is right, as are many other people in this post.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Drunk guys usually tell you what they think you want to hear to get you in the sack. Maybe there’s a grain of truth in it, because their guard is down, but don’t you have enough problems taking care of a 3 year old at 19 without being saddled with someone with a drinking problem as well?

nebule's avatar

Did she actually say he was a “drunk’”? or had a “drinking problem”? I kind of got the impression it was a just a case of ..he acts a certain way when he’s had a drink….

And i think we’re being a bit hard on the girl…yes; she has a three year old to take care of, which as she points out is her first priority but we still (a fellow single mum) need company and compassion and if this guy is lovely with her when he’s had a drink and she rally like’s the guy..maybe she should (if she can) just stick with it and find out…t ry talk to him more…

like she says though not wanting to talk about you like you’re not here or anything she’ll probably just move on…. good for you if you can my friend; it’s not the easiest thing to do when you know all you need to do is ply someone with a bit of alcohol to get some lovin’ and attention…which may…or may not be what you need?

kelly8906's avatar

Aww, thank you lynneblundell. I feel like I’m being attacked on here by some people, lol. He’s not a “drunk,” he rarely ever drinks, but when he does, he tells me he is in love with me. When he is sober, he just acts like we are best friends and leaves the other part out. He has mentioned that he is afraid to fall for me and that he is the type of person to keep his feelings to himself. (so maybe he does like me and is keeping it to himself)Either way,he’s a great friend, so even though I (secretly have fallen for him), its probably best to keep that feeling to myself to avoid messing up our friendship.

chelseababyy's avatar

@kelly8906 sometimes people can be really mean on here, but you just have to get past that and there are some really awesome people. Like I said, my boyfriend is like that, he for the most part, a private person, and doesn’t feel the need to sit there and tell me how much he loves me all the time. Also, my boyfriend was fucked over a lot before, so he tends to really think about things when it comes to his feelings. I think you should really sit down and ask him. Tell him how you feel if and when you are ready. Make sure intentions are clear, and let him know you WANT to know how he really feels and that you really care for him.

mea05key's avatar

I believe that people become more honest when they are drunk.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@kelly8906, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to attack you, but your response to lynne included some really important details that you left out of your original question details. Semantics and clarity are important. I’m usually not a mean person.

It sounds like you see him primarily in group social settings? Perhaps time alone would help draw him out? It sounds like he finds you really attractive (which, from your picture, you are) and feels perhaps that you would have a lot of other male friends who are more interested in you. He may need some security, and if he realizes you think he’s special, then perhaps the two halves of his personality will meld, without having to talk about compromising the friendship.

My grandfather used to call a shot of bourbon “Dutch Courage”

kelly8906's avatar

@AlfredaPrufrock. I wasn’t refering to your comment when I said that I felt I was being attacked, but thank you for the compliment and advice. :)

elijah's avatar

Just so you know I had my son when I was 17, so I’m not judging you or trying to be harsh, just honest. Why would you waste your time with a guy who might maybe like you sometimes, but maybe not, definately when drunk, not ever sober, etc? You deserve a guy who treats you like a queen, at his age he knows better.

kelly8906's avatar

I understand, and you’re right. :)

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