General Question

May2689's avatar

What crosses the line?

Asked by May2689 (1291points) January 28th, 2009

I met a guy and we quickly became friends. Tonight, he told me that we should watch the game together while he teaches me to play dominos (I dont know how to). He has a solid relationship like me, and I love my boyfriend to death. I dont feel any attraction to him whatsoever. Do you think this little get together looks bad? Does it crosses the friends line?

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25 Answers

erincollins's avatar

Bring your boyfriend if it’s a problem then you’ll know what his intentions were.

EmpressPixie's avatar

I don’t think it crosses the line at all, unless you are being dishonest about not being attracted. You and your boyfriend should be fine with you having friends. Regardless of gender. If he makes a move, explain that you are not interested.

Dorkgirl's avatar

There’s no reason a man & a woman can’t have a platonic relationship. Do you think he’s attracted to you, even if you are not attracted to him? Has he made any gestures or said anything to indicate this is anything more than two friends watching a game & playing dominos? If not, I’d take it at face value.
If you feel at all in a precarious spot, I’d either bring my boyfriend, meet in a public place, or not go. If you don’t have any bad vibes & your boyfriend is not threatened by this, go and enjoy yourself.

marinelife's avatar

Best thing to do is be up front and clear. “About tonight? This is just a friends thing, right?

I think you might want to take a look at why you want to hang out alone with this guy without everything being all out in the open.

It could be fine. It could be a problem. Only you can determine that from the vibes, the history, the people.

asmonet's avatar

Tell your boyfriend the whole plan, be the new guys friend and if he makes a move stop him in his tracks. If he tries again, leave.

That’s as complicated as it ever has to be.

nikipedia's avatar

Okay, I’ll take the unpopular opinion. I think it is a little bit suspicious when you start a new friendship with someone of the opposite sex while in a relationship, and it is super suspicious when you only hang out with that person alone, or without your partner. If I had a boyfriend, and that boyfriend wanted to hang out with another girl and not bring me along, I would be extremely uncomfortable.

GAMBIT's avatar

It seems that you are testing the boundaries.

Jack79's avatar

do you think he likes you?

In theory there’s nothing wrong, and I have had such relationships that were strictly non-sexual. But it sounds fishy the way you describe it, so it probably is.

mangeons's avatar

If he’s not attracted to you, and you’re not attracted to him, it’s fine. But.

I would say something like “So what are you doing this weekend?” and he asks you. You go “Oh, my boyfriend and I are going out to dinner.” If you mention something about your boyfriend, and he reacts in a strange way, he could think of you two as more than friends, and you have to set him straight.

asmonet's avatar

Actually, the fact that you said you “quickly became friends” and that he’s offered to teach you something mean in my experience there is some chemistry, or at least one sided interest. It does spell a mild amount of trouble. Do what I said before, and nothing will come of it if he’s a decent dude.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

How serious are you and your boyfriend? How would you react if a woman asked your boyfriend to come over and watch a game and she would teach him to play dominos?

I think it would be fine, if you watch the game and learn to play dominos in a public place. Not if you’re spending time alone together.

Judi's avatar

My husband and I have a rule. He has no female friends that are better friends with him than they are with me, and I have no male friends who are better friends with me than they are with him. These are the boundaries that worked for our relationship. The problem comes when the two of you are not in agreement on the boundaries. Talk to your boyfriend and ask how he feels. How would you feel if he had an attractive female friend that he spent alone time with? Work it out with your bf now before it becomes a problem later.

mangeons's avatar

I agree with Judi, find out how your boyfriend feels about it before agreeing to go. If your boyfriend goes “Yeah, it’s fine.” make sure it’s really fine with him so he won’t feel jealous. If going to this friend’s house, don’t go alone. Things can go places even if you don’t mean for them to if you are alone.

Aethelwine's avatar

I think the hanging out alone part kind of crosses the line. Unless you were friends before your current relationship.

I would have to agree with nikipedia on this one.

wundayatta's avatar

If you had met in a group, and this was a longstanding relationship, and you knew him for a long time, I think that would be cool. Cross-gender friendships are developed differently from romantic ones. If romance is the intent, it’s just the two of you. If friendship, it’ll generally happen more casually, in a larger group.

A new guy? Wants to be friends? He’s weird, gay, or pulling a fast one.

Aethelwine's avatar

@daloon I knew you’d say it best!

that is unless blondesjon had been around and not working ;)

Blondesjon's avatar

If you are in a commited relationship and a friend of the opposite sex is giving you something you are lacking at home, then it might be a problem.

As a male for real I subscribe to the notion that the male/female friend dynamic always has at least one participant wanting it to be more than ‘friends’.

cordovanessa's avatar

yeah ummm… that looks bad from all angles, but it wouldnt if other people were there

fireside's avatar

Yeah, he may be a little interested, but just mention your boyfriend while you are playing dominoes. If he is interested, he should get the hint, if not he shouldn’t care if you talk about your boyfriend. If he gets uncomfortable or seems disappointed when you talk about your boyfriend, then just plan more group activities instead of the one on one.

SuperMouse's avatar

I say it is important to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. Why do it if you are even wondering if it would be appropriate?

Not a word Gimme, not a word.

candacewells4's avatar

just as long as your boyfriend and his girlfriend both know that you all are just friends, i don’t see your friendship being a problem. if your boyfriend has a problem with you being friends with another guy, then your relationship is obviously not as solid as you believe it is. my best friend is a guy, and we hang out all the time, without any attraction at all. he has frequent girlfriends, and if they don’t accept our friendship he tells them to deal with it or leave. as long as there is no attraction, you shouldn’t have to feel bad about being friends with anyone.

Dorkgirl's avatar

@may2689—so, did you go watch the game & learn to play dominos?
What was the result of this encounter?

May2689's avatar

Well I did! After reading all of these thoughts and comments I made a choice.I invited some of my friends too. So it wasnt one on one after all and my boyfriend didnt get mad. My friend didnt make a pass at me and we all ended up having a good time. Not very good now, my head hurts like hell.

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