General Question

Loubylou44's avatar

Would you date a guy who was 5 months out of a 15 year marriage?

Asked by Loubylou44 (56points) February 4th, 2009

My bf’s marriage broke down 5 months ago after she was caught out having an affair. We’ve been together a month now. Is he on the rebound or do you think he could be ready to date again already? Mad question I know as you don’t know him…but let’s say generally, what would you do?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

31 Answers

asmonet's avatar

Why not?
If he’s into you he’s into you. Let it develop as you go. I misread, so I’m editing this. It’s been a month, so if he seems distant or uncaring there’s cause for concern. I don’t buy into the idea if ‘rebounds’ I think it’s ridiculous. Don’t push things, and just go with the flow. If you begin to think your expectations are different, have a chat. That’s as complicated as things ever need to be.

scamp's avatar

Yes I would, but I would proceed with caution to avoid being “the rebound girl.” If you are patient and understanding, he will appreciate you all the more. Be prepared for distrust and all the baggage that comes with being hurt by someone so trusted, and for so long.

Has he been divorced for 5 months, or separated for that length of time?

cwilbur's avatar

Date? Sure.

There’s a chance it’s a rebound. But if the chemistry is good, it could be a permanent rebound. I know a couple who did that—they caught each other within a month after each of them had broken up, and they’re still together almost 9 years later.

augustlan's avatar

[Mod says:] Never mind :)

Loubylou44's avatar

He’s been separated for 5 months, one of which he’s been with me. I am proceeding with caution, don’t want to become the ‘injured party’!

Thanks for your thoughts on this, it’s much appreciated. I don’t want to be foolish and wear those all too familiar rose-tinted specs!

Lou x

Mizuki's avatar

If you love drama. “you are being foolish and wearing those all too familiar rose-tinted specs!”

Loubylou44's avatar

@Mizuki life would be rather dull without a bit of drama! We all have our baggage, don’t we?

Mizuki's avatar

You asked…....

RandomMrdan's avatar

well, I wouldn’t, but thats because I’m into women….but sure, you should go for it.

aprilsimnel's avatar

How into him are you? A lot of us forget that part because we’re so happy someone’s into us.

If it’s just a fling or you’re simply enjoying each other’s company, then no harm, no foul; if you’re looking for something more, I’d say take it veerry slowly. On the whole, I wouldn’t expect much. I’m sure he has a lot to sort through emotionally at the moment.

Loubylou44's avatar

@aprilsimnel he’s a really nice guy, will see what happens, thanks for you advice.

nikipedia's avatar

Sure, just take it slow, be patient with him, and make sure you’re able to communicate openly about where both of you are emotionally.

…and I think most of that applies to just about any relationship.

Is he giving you any reasons to doubt the sincerity of his feelings?

marinelife's avatar

Trouble in a package. Many experts feel that it takes a full year to get over a marriage or serious relationship of many years standing (you have to go through the anniversaries).

I would have serious concerns unless the guy was very together, very in touch with his feelings, and actively working on processing the issues from his marriage breaking up. My dating experience tells me that rules out about 98% or more of all guys.

augustlan's avatar

Entirely depends on the guy, and the situation he and the ex are in.

Dog's avatar

I agree with caution. It could take him years to trust enough to invest emotionally in a relationship.
It has been my experience that the process of divorce has a grief cycle that often includes a second bachelorhood phase.

chyna's avatar

@augustlan You said it best.

scamp's avatar

Wait a minute… he has only been separated for 5 months??? I wouldn’t even go so far as to say rebound yet. I wouldn’t date him until the divorce was final. But that’s just me. He may not have any intentions of getting back together with her now, but after so many years together, who knows?? I’m not passing judgement on you. If you want to date him and deal with the drama, go for it. If it were me, I’d head for the hills to protect my heart.

Your question is a bit decieving.. He isn’t out of a marriage yet

syz's avatar

Big caution signs!

Nimis's avatar

@augustlan Wait…did you just say [Mod says]??
Holy shit! Congrats, Auggie Doggie.

NOTE: This is not considered brown-nosing
because I’ve loved me some Augustlan
before she got her nifty new banner.

scamp's avatar

One more question for you… How many people has he dated during this separation so far???

I agree with Nimis.. congrats!!

Dog's avatar

Another consideration is if kids are involved.

cdwccrn's avatar

I agree with dog. Curious to know if kids are involved.
And if he is processing.
How angry and / or hurt is he?

Dog's avatar

I just realized he is only separated and not yet divorced.

Has is occurred to you that you might not be a rebound at all but could be his “getting even” and that the marriage may in fact in time heal?

@augustian- congrats belated

augustlan's avatar

Thanks, guys.

skfinkel's avatar

As long as he is honest (as honest as he can be) and you are honest about your situation, I would date him. You never know where something will lead. If you like each other, I would not worry, and be happy.

Knotmyday's avatar

She had the affair? Hm. Ask around, my friend.
Good luck.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

I have one friend that this is working out for, but only because she limits her time with him, and refuses to meet his children until after the divorce is final. It helps to keep her as a romantic interest, and not the person he dumps on emotionally.

wundayatta's avatar

I dunno about the standard wisdom about how long it takes to get over a relationship. Remember, if they are at the point of separation, they were getting over the relationship years before that. There may have been an affair, but that will have been because they were separating emotionally for a long time before that.

I think it’s fine to be with him. As people say, be cautious, but that’s the case for anyone you don’t know well, yet. The very fact that you ask this question makes me wonder if you are picking up something that makes you uncomfortable, and looking for a reason to get out.

If you’re uncomfortable, it doesn’t matter why. You can’t make excuses for him. Like he’s on the rebound. It’s irrelevant. What’s relevant is your feelings now, and if you are uncomfortable, pay attention to that.

nephrons's avatar

Nope! Because i am 100% sure he is still nursing his wounds (whatever may it be)..

asmonet's avatar

I came back and looked at how the thread developed and the information that was added, I say be cautious, or run away. A lot of this spells trouble. But I wish you the best.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther