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tb1570's avatar

Is it fair to not like someone because s/he slept with someone you don't like?

Asked by tb1570 (3113points) February 5th, 2009

Inspired by @ronski’s recent question, my question is kind of the opposite: is it fair to not like someone because s/he slept with someone you don’t like/don’t respect/think is disgusting/basically think is an ass, etc, etc… For example, you are totally digging on a new guy or girl and then you discover s/he recently hooked up with someone you can’t stand. Could you/would you still like the person you had a crush on? Will your opinion of/feelings for someone change based this kind of information? Would you judge them? For the sake of this question, let’s say you have discovered that the object of your desire had a short-lived relatoinship with the person you can’t stand about six months ago.

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23 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Our friends do lots of things we don’t like. We do lots of things they don’t like. Tossing them out just because they, in your opinion, made a mistake, seems to be holding them to an impossibly high standard that you yourself would be unlikely to meet.

tb1570's avatar

@Marina , thanks for answering, but if you read my question details a little more carefully, you will see that I was not talking about a “friend” sleeping with someone you don’t like, (of course, what does that really matter), I was talking about someone you like romantically having slept with someone in the past who you find disgusting.

marinelife's avatar

@tb1570 Thanks for the clarification. In that case, in my opinion, no. The past is the past when it comes to old partners.

I think I was thrown off by the word like.

TaoSan's avatar

I think that kinda depends on if the adored person left the douche, or the other way around. If my “object of adoration” left the douche, preferrably indicating the douche is indeed a douche, I’d probably would have no issue.

However, if the object of my adoration fell for a douche and got dumped, I’d probably question our compatibility, after all, she went for a douche, if that’s her thing, what could I possibly offer?

Or so…..

jrpowell's avatar

That is kinda a deal breaker. And a position I was in recently. I was fooling around with someone that slept with my friend Bill. I just couldn’t do it. It might not be rational, but it is how I am.

TaoSan's avatar


Amen to that. It’s a man thing, I guess, we only go boldly where no man has gone before ;)
(Or at least not one in our immediate circle of friends that is)

marinelife's avatar

@johnpowell Isn’t that different? That is a very uncool thing to do.

Likeradar's avatar

It may or may not be “fair,” but it does say something about the object of your affection’s judgment.

jrpowell's avatar

@Marina :: Me choosing to not have sex with someone is uncool? I will bring that up with the next pretty lady I see at the bar. That should go over well.

jrpowell's avatar

I think Likeradar just summed up my feelings on the subject.

tb1570's avatar

@johnpowell @Likeradar @TaoSan : I am in agreement. And maybe there is even an aspect of ego involved. I often find that my thinking goes something like this: “If she (the girl I like) found that guy attractive enough to have sex with him, and I think that guy is a frickin’ tool, then that means she thinks I am similar to that guy, and that is frickin’ insulting!!”
Like @Likeradar said, maybe not fair, but just the way it is.

elijah's avatar

If the person who I was interested in was sleeping with someone I think is disgusting, then I would definately rethink my situation. If he was willing to be in a relationship with her, then he obviously doesn’t have high standards. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t have high standards for themself.

wundayatta's avatar

Fairness has nothing to do with it. If it bothers you, then stay away from it. If you don’t mind, go right ahead.

Jack79's avatar

yes, if someone (male or female, friend or not) has slept with someone I consider disgusting, then I question not only their taste, but their judgement and even sanity. Generally I’m of the “whatever works for them” attitude, but I’d still feel weird about them. Especially if they’ve fallen victim to some lying, cheating person who tricked them. I certainly lose some of the respect for them.

blondie411's avatar

I think it depends on why it bothers you, narrowing in on the details such as if the person has been around the block more than once or twice and is “tainted” it would turn me off to not like someone as much.

marinelife's avatar

@johnpowell Oh, no, you misunderstood me. I meant for a girl to be involved with you and have sex with one of you friends was uncool. Also, for your friend to do that to you was not so great either.

Blondesjon's avatar

I don’t understnd why we try to make everything “fair”. It is a concept with no basis in fact. We act and these actions have reactions.

In this case I take “fair” to mean “right”. This is a question with no “right” or “wrong” answer. It’s a matter of personal choice (action) and emotional consequence (reaction).

if he/she slept with someone you hate, and you like her/him, then don’t you and the one you hate have alot more in common than you are comfortable admitting?

ronski's avatar

aw, geez, i gotta disagree on this one.

being the one who has gone out with douche and having a solid relationship with my boyfriend who knew douche, i can say that he is also a douche.

maybe you should ask her more about the situation, maybe she actually thinks it was a big mistake. maybe you are a little jealous. it’s all understandable why you would question it.

i would too! to say its grounds to not like someone anymore is a little weird though! my boyfriend of now certainly felt the same way when i said i went out with douche-bag, but i also made it clear that it was an honest mistake! a lot of douches are manipulative, therefore getting in lots of girls pants. thank god my boyfriend didn’t stop dating me just because i slept with someone he thought was stupid!

tb1570's avatar

@Blondesjon Interesting. And that’s kind of what I was getting around to w/ my “ego” statement…

VzzBzz's avatar

I met this guy, absolutely adored him but he was infatuated with a real nutjob and then went and had sex with her which really turned me off but I tried to get over it since I really liked him and thought he felt the same about me. It just didn’t go off though, kissing him and having sex with him, all I could think about was him rolling around with the other one, totally killed it for me and I felt like crap, couldn’t get it off or anything.

Just don’t bother if that comes up

Zen's avatar

That was a great Seinfeld episode. Remember? Jerry didn’t want to be with a woman as soon as he discovered she’d been with Neuman – and worse, got dumped by him.

gottamakeart's avatar

I think so, because it would be on your mind that “so and so” has been there. its too close to boffing the one you don’t like. Major turn-off.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It’s not fair but it is what it is and usually a dealbreaker as far as I know and have seen. Unless you really really see a futuer with this person then I’d say, pass them by because it’s so easy to always disrespect them a little and hold a grudge for going where you wouldn’t have imagined.

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