How do I deal with this very uncomfortable situation?

You could always go see a doctor. In fact, that is my best advice for you. Seek a proper medical opinion. And get well soon, too.

Might be hemorrhoids? Preparation H or see-a-doc time, likely.

Itching is a kind of pain. Constant itching can torture you and distract you to the point where you can’t even think straight. Go see a doc. It won’t be the first time he’s had to poke around in somebody’s bottom.

It might be pinworms.

You may have anal fissures. If I may? Do you “over-wipe”? 3 times and out is a good rule. Over wiping causes very small tears to occur around the anus which in turn allows feces into the tears. Hence the itch.

if it helps my dogs like to drag their butts across the carpet when they itch

Maybe try a wet-nap?

If I told you once, I told you a THOUSAND times! Nothing bigger then a 10 watt bulb!!

@KrystaElyse God, I hope I don’t have those.
@Blondesjon It’s posible. I do wipe a lot.
@jasongarrett I tried those already, didn’t hlp much.
@Mr_M But they don’t make green 10 watts :P
@all I’m going to the hospital on tuesday anyways, so I’ll ask the doctor while I’m there. It’s just really hard to concentrate.

Zack, try wiping with baby wipes. They WORK. ps, let us know how it all turns out “in the end.”

You have to make sure it’s not poisonous oak before you stuff it up there.

I took a bath and let it soak. It made it less itchy, and it’s almost gone. I’ll take another bath tomorrow and see how it is then. Thanks for all the advice!!

@Blondesjon I read this thread yesterday, and all night I had Tony Orlando running through my mind singing ”Wipe three times…”

It wasn’t pretty. Please make it stop.

I’m reminded of the SNL sketch for Ass Don’t Smell. “Scrubbing doesn’t work; perfumes only cover it up; and who has the time to soak?”

get a blow dryer to your bum and switch to hot and cold