General Question

rh11cp's avatar

When a guy is in a relationship, why is it that the guy seems to be less romantic then the girl?

Asked by rh11cp (86points) February 8th, 2009

im in a relationship right now with my boyfriend, and he just doesnt seem to love me as much as i do. and care for me as much as i do. he even told me that he isnt that romantic type of guy. but cmon, he can at least give me kisses, hugs, and say ily all the time. thats just being sweet. i want to know what’s in a guys head when hes with the girlfriend, or when he has a girlfriend in general. because i know that all i think bout is him and how bad i want to be with him. and when i am with him, i just want to kiss him all the time. its a totally different story for him. were totall opposites. and i want to know why he isn’t the way i am. is it just a guy thing? like i want to know everything about a guy, thats in his mind, like everything! PLEASE HELP.

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52 Answers

tennesseejac's avatar

its not just a guy thing

i would suggest you back off a little and let him put in some of the effort

jrpowell's avatar

I’m quoting that last part to prove that I actually read that.

“and i want to know why he isn’t the way i am.”

WTF?? Why aren’t you exactly what he wants?

rh11cp's avatar

the thing is, i back off and he’s still the same. like i really don’t know what I’m doing wrong here =[ and I’m so in love with him, i cant just not be with him anymore. we plan to be together forever and marry each other, but i need him to clean up his act. like soon. and i just need to know everything about guys, and i can change him to be a better person.

kinda like tool academy on mtv- i cant give up on this guy. but hes gotta change somehow. lol

bythebay's avatar

@rh11cp: May I ask how old you and your bf are?

amanderveen's avatar

First, saying that guys are less romantic is a sweeping generalization that is frequently false. In your particular case, it sounds like you both have different relationship styles. It isn’t that you are doing anything wrong or that there’s anything wrong with him being this way. You just aren’t well matched.

The moment anyone says, “I can change him”, HUGE alarm bells go off in my head!

FBI's avatar

cough troll cough

joined today, 1 lurve, making people give advice for how to obtain the impossible.

90s_kid's avatar

They are rather too afraid, or too “cool”.

gailcalled's avatar

“i want to know everything about a guy, thats in his mind, like everything! ”

I certainly wouldn’t want to be with anyone who felt like that, ^^ and I am a woman.

aprilsimnel's avatar

If you can’t accept him as he is right now, then you are not in love with him, but with an idea of him you’ve created in your head. You can’t force people to change. You could tell him which of his behaviors make you feel good, but if he doesn’t wanna do them, then he’s not gonna do them. He’s his own person, just as you are your own person.

Ask yourself why you would want a man you have to force to behave as you’d like him to. Or who you have to force to show you affection. That’s no good for either person.

bythebay's avatar

@rh11cp: You said, ” and he just doesn’t seem to love me as much as i do. and care for me as much as i do.” From what I’m able to decipher in your childish prose and fractured grammar; I don’t think anyone could love you as much as you love you.

rh11cp's avatar

if yu werent so retarted, it meant “he doesnt seem to love me as much as i love HIM” so yeahhhhh….........

bythebay's avatar

Oh yes, I’m “retarted”. Yeahhhhh….......

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@rh11cp, stow the name-calling, especially when you can’t spell, please. First of all, your supposition that all guys are like your boyfriend is entirely wrong. Most guys are very romantic. There’s a book that you might find helpful. It’s called “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Seriously. Not making that up.

wundayatta's avatar

Once again, I have to break it to most of my fellow flutherites the sad news that all men are the same! What is it with this pretense that some men are different from others? Where do you come off telling this poor innocent girl such lies?

And worse. Men can’t be changed????? What are you talking about? We are putty. Clay in the hands of women, waiting to be molded. We want to be molded. We want to be told how to behave and how to love. We are clueless. If you didn’t tell us what to do, we’d be out in the woods running down deer and eating them with our bare teeth. Or something.

I’m sorry, but you are just so unreliable. I know what it is. You are jealous. Jealous that this woman has a dude she is totally into.

Listen honey, here’s the real deal. The truth is that men don’t like that lovey-dovey stuff. Kissing? Hugging? Yech! We much prefer to chest bump and wrestle, and drink beer. Now, just because we think kissing is like, something that only girly men do, doesn’t mean we don’t love you. No, we love you. Just, we do it in our own way. The manly way. You wouldn’t want to change that, now, would you? Take away a man’s manliness? I didn’t think so.

If you could only walk a mile in a guy’s shoes, you’d understand. You might even get a camel, too. Especially if there were a 7/11 there. But I digress. Oh yeah. That’s the other thing. Men can’t stay on point. We tend to wander wherever our attention takes us. Or is that women? Well, never mind.

Ok, so that’s the scoop, and you can put it in your pipe, and smoke it. Unless you prefer Camels.

gailcalled's avatar

@Daloon: I would bet the farm that she doesn’t get the reference to the mile and the camel. I wonder how many here do?

wundayatta's avatar

@gailcalled: oh yes. But do you think anyone will look it up? Maybe watch it on youtube? Maybe I should have brought in the Marlborough Man? Charles Atlas? Jack Lalane? The Village People? Well, maybe not the Village People.

You know, one of the coolest things about having survived into my sixth decade is that I can finally get most references that people make, and I can make references that a lot of people won’t get. It’s, no doubt, petty of me, but I quite enjoy doing that. I know. I know. I’m a horrible person.

tennesseejac's avatar

@daloon i would like to suggest that all men are not the same and all do not want to be molded, but im sure its the majority. I dont want to be changed and I dont want someone to change for me.

tennesseejac's avatar

@daloon do i look like im kidding?

wundayatta's avatar

@tennesseejac: my entire post was satire.

Likeradar's avatar

Why doesn’t he say I love you all the time? Give you more kisses and hugs?

Because he doesn’t want to.

If you’ve made it clear that those things are important to you and he’s not working on changing a little to make you happier, then he’s not the guy for you.

I’m a woman, and I would go nuts (in a bad way) if my bf wanted to kiss me “all the time” and know everything that’s going on in my head.

rh11cp's avatar

idk, i feel like i wud enjoy that. just knowing some1 cares for me that much, and it just shows their commitment to me. idk. im so new to this stuff. i justt need every1’s help.

gailcalled's avatar

@rh11cp: Please don’t ask the same question more than once and please skip the textspeak.

Likeradar's avatar

@rh11cp What you’re describing, in my opinion, isn’t caring for someone. It’s being so afraid of losing them that you have a death grip, of not loving yourself enough, or being too immature to realize what a healthy relationship looks like and entails. But that’s just my opinion.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@rh11ch, grow up, Barbie. If you want that, buy a chihuahua and babytalk it.

rh11cp's avatar

i might be too young for love, but i know that we love eachother enough to know that we arent going to forget eachother forever and if we are together forever, then thats even better. and were going to work on being in this relationship even when he leaves for college. were going to work thru this as much as we can. i just feel like hes given up on love. idkkk!!!!! =[

im more confused then ever. i just want him to be the same james as he was before. hes not the same.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Statistically, more people break up before prom than any other time of the year.

tennesseejac's avatar

@rh11cp i dont understand all of your abbreviations, but i know for me between the ages of 17 and 20 i basically changed from one person to another. the girl i was dating at this time in my life would not like the person that i am now

asmonet's avatar

@bythebay: Retarted or no, I still love you.

wundayatta's avatar

Just wondering. If bythebay is retarted, when was she tarted the first time?

asmonet's avatar

Right before I had my way with her.

wundayatta's avatar

By the way, was it by the bay that you had your way with bythebay?

tennesseejac's avatar

@daloon “Hey, why don’t I just go and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what’d ya say?”

asmonet's avatar

I have my way with many Flutherites, I plundered that booty on the beach.

cyndyh's avatar

@asmonet: If it was a big booty on the beach it was mine. So, just look out, you. :^>

@daloon: You had me laughing up there. That was some funny stuff.

@rh11cp: Everyone has the potential to be romantic and not in their own way. That’s true for women and men. If he’s not doing it for you, he may never. If he’s not wanting to be close the same way you want then I’d say you probably want to look elsewhere.

Siren's avatar

This is one of the funniest threads I’ve read so far. :) Everyone, take a bow

I hope @rh11cp found some pearls of wisdom among the wittiness.

amanderveen's avatar

AlfredaPrufrock had a good idea – go read “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Or if you don’t have enough time or don’t care to read the book, the movie is in the theatres right now. Hilarious movie, and there is also some very good advice in it that you might seriously want to consider.

It probably sounds harsh, but if he isn’t saying he loves you all the time, or isn’t being as affectionate as you want him to, it’s because he doesn’t want to. That could be for any variety of reasons, but it still boils down to the fact that he doesn’t want to. If the guy you’re with needs to change or be changed in order to be the guy you want, he isn’t the right guy for you. You’re in love with who you want him to be, not who he is. I realize you’re asking for help, but if you just want help figuring out how to change him, you’re not likely to find it here. You can’t make someone change. Seriously. It isn’t just a cliché, it’s the truth.

The less time you waste with a guy who isn’t right for you, the more time you’ll have to spend with the guy who is right for you.

augustlan's avatar

<< Pokes head in, says “Bravo!” and leaves :)

bythebay's avatar

@asmonet:Thanks for still loving me; but I wish you wouldn’t have told everyone about our tryst!

@daloon: The secret of when I was first tarted is a need to know thing; I could tell you but then I’d have to….you know!

janbb's avatar

I agree with what everyone’s been saying. I have been married for 35 years to a man who isn’t affectionate or romantic. I suffered about it for many years until I learned to accept that he is who he is. Doing things like taking my car to be fixed, cooking and cleaning and taking walks with me are his ways of showing love.

If this a serious question, you have two choices: back off and accept that he is who is or get out and look for someone who is more lovey-dovey. If he’s so different from what you want, it’s hard to see what you love about him.

wundayatta's avatar

@bythebay You’d have to still me? Oh be still my beating heart, for I have found the tart of my streams. But it will kill me if I can not taste that first tart, be it lemon or lime! Ack, I feel myself turning into Grumio! I think he liked tarts, too!

Jack79's avatar

boys are just less into flowers and stuff, that’s all. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you though.

90s_kid's avatar

Watch the guidelines…

melanie81's avatar

He’s just not that into you. Move on to someone who IS! I promise you 1000%, you’ll thank me later.

pathfinder's avatar

I don t know.You asked for help.I give you some steight from mine minde.Set some thing or be defrende for a moment.This is a problem of modern age so lets deel with it..

Glow's avatar

I sent my answer to you in a private comment for privacy reasons. :)


Notice that many people here will not give you useful answers. I have noticed that I can not take the people here seriously, as they are all merely human beings and a majority of them have no genuine care for the feelings of others.

goldilocks80's avatar

Hey girl, I hear you! And please don’t listen to others who are telling you something’s wrong with you…you are just simply a romantic, loving type of woman who is not afraid to show her emotions….and you are like me. My ex-husband was a lt. colonel in the army and he is no way sissy but he didn’t mind my loving and affection and he gave it back to me. Then there was this guy I fell for who is exactly the way you describe it and he just wants to be cool and “macho”. And there’s this recent guy who is sooo affectionate and is all over me. So you see? You just have to find your match. I think being expressive of one’s feelings and emotions is the greatest feeling a couple can have…it is a good way to bond. You’re alright.———

CMaz's avatar

Because he is a looser. I am very romantic. ;-)

viainfested's avatar

You just need to find someone that’s into you and takes the time to show it.

Londongirl's avatar

When you are into someone you want to be close and affectionate with the person… so may be something in his mind. Perhaps you can talk to him and tell him what you need, and if he still hasn’t changed, you can decide whether you need to look for another guy who can give you the affection or stay with him and accept the way he is.

noraasnave's avatar

I agree with @tennesseejac for a short term reaction back off.

I get the feeling that his recent indifference surprises you, as well it should. You tend to expect him to ‘love’ you as much as you ‘love’ him. Does the cliche, “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” ring any bells? This cliche can be seen in a negative light, but the point I am trying to make with it is, if you make it easy for him to get everything he wants then he won’t invest the time and energy to pursue you the way you want.

For the purpose of my ‘answer’, I consider romance: the investive romantic pursuit of one person by another which is uniquely reciprocated.

Long term: you need to find the man that you don’t have to ‘adjust the thermostat’ to get where you want. You want a man that pursues you for who you are, for the beauty inside. That beauty only is revealed and appreciated by a man that pursues it daily…a good man will discover the beauty inside of you, for himself and for you.

You need a man that takes the cow for the cow, and everybody enjoys the milk!

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