General Question

wundayatta's avatar

Have you ever talked about the specifics of sex to your spouse?

Asked by wundayatta (58693points) February 11th, 2009

Today, in therapy, we had to do that. Yuck! Double Yuck! Triple yuck!!! We both grew up in uptight Northeastern families. It was excruciating to be talking about the specifics in front of someone else. We don’t even do it with each other, much less in front of anyone else.

Have you talked about this with your spouse? Was it easier for you? Harder? Why is it like this for you? Are there other people you can get down and dirty with? Who? Why?

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40 Answers

jbfletcherfan's avatar

OMG, daloon! Therapy or no, I’d NEVER do that with a stranger. They could just take that part of the session & cram it. I’ve never been in any kind of therapy, but some things are just none of their business. There’d be an uprising over that with me!

Talking about it with your spouse, okay. And there’s some close friends of mine who I’ve discussed things with, but a therapist? Hell, no! Never!

susanc's avatar

Talked with my spouse because it was a giggle. Never discuss my erotic life with him with anyone else.

nikipedia's avatar

I don’t really understand what you mean by “the specifics of sex.” Can you give an example? (Not necessarily from your life, just for the purpose of context.)

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@susanc just to make things clear, that’s not what I did. There was more to it than that.

cdwccrn's avatar

No more than little words of direction and encouragement while…..well, ....... You know…

cwilbur's avatar

I tried. We both grew up in the uptight Northeast, but I got over it and he couldn’t.

(There was no therapist involved.)

I’m open about sex; it’s not at all difficult for me to talk about it, although I respect other people’s privacy. Not being able to talk about why the sex isn’t working pretty much means the relationship is over, as far as I can tell.

Sakata's avatar

What do you want to know? I’m an open book so ask away. Doesn’t matter to me if it’s anonymously over the internet or to a stranger on the bus.

cyndyh's avatar

I have what I’d call “healthy boundaries” when it comes to strangers and different boundaries with different friends depending on how close we are. But I can and do talk about everything with my partner. I can’t imagine not being able to do that. I’ve always thought, “if you can’t talk about it you shouldn’t be doing it”. We even talk about some things neither of us would ever want to do. I’m an open book with him.

galileogirl's avatar

Since we were never in couples therapy never discussed the specifics (mechanics?) of sex with anyone but my mother, my daughter and of course, my husband. Some friends tried to discuss it when we were 12, but it was apparent they didn’t know anything. I already had talked to my mother, the nurse.

Who doesn’t talk to their sexual partner about sex? Do you cook with your partner and refuse to talk about food? Or watch TV and refuse to talk about the plot?

MissAnthrope's avatar

I’m with nikipedia, what kind of specifics? I’m just unclear on exactly how you mean.. like, in what manner? Clinically? What goes where? What you like doing/having done? I think all of those could be embarrassing for different reasons.

To answer your question, though, yes.. I tend to be pretty open with my partners about matters of physical intimacy. I would probably be fairly mortified to talk about it in detail in that sort of context, though.. I guess it just depends on how comfortable I am with the therapist.

Mizuki's avatar

What a repressed group…..come on folks, loosen up a little.

Tell us where you want to be touched and how, then show us. Like show and tell.

laureth's avatar

It’s hard to say the words sometimes, but yeah, we’ve talked. It makes it better, especially if you talk about what to do “more” of and what to do “less.” Also, it’s kind of a turn on after a while. After talking about the tools of the trade, sometimes you want to use ‘em, ya know?

Dog's avatar

For a relationship to work one needs to be comfortable enough with their spouse to be able to discuss anything- yes ANYTHING without fear of condemnation or being put down.

If you cannot do this then the sexual talk is not the problem. You need to work on understanding and respecting each other enough to be able to feel comfortable regardless of topic.

Keep in mind that your upbringing is only a small piece of who you are. I was raised in a very conservative environment and yet my soul mate and I can discuss anything. We trust and respect each other.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Isnt there a saying that goes something like “if you cant talk about what your doing you shouldnt be doing it”? Communication is key, i mean if you dont talk about it how will you really know what one another likes.

As far as talking about it with a therapist, who cares. They arent there to judge you, just to help you sooooo the more you talk, the more they can help. :)

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I’ve definitely never had sex with anyone I couldn’t talk about any specifics of sex with. Like some other flutherers, I’m not sure exactly what you mean by “specifics” either, but I’m sure if it involves anything my SO and I have done, we’ve talked about it. For me, that’s part of the fun. I can’t imagine not talking about it, and I’m don’t understand why it’s “triple yuck” for you, unless you’re just simply referring to a 3rd party being there, (which I agree would seriously deflate the fun).

wundayatta's avatar

What you like doing/having done.

We used to talk, but after a while, there wasn’t anything more to say. Now it’s about asking for things. Frequency. When one person is unhappy, what is the other willing to do that won’t make them unhappy. I’ll trade you one of these on Monday for one of those on Tuesday.

It seems sacriligious. Making love should be like a dance, without words (we’re both dancers). It involves a different way of communicating, and words seem to destroy that. They turn it into a mechanical, unsoulful kind of thing. Making love with someone you love is sacred for me. Mystical. Ineffable.

It’s like when religious people experience God. You’re not supposed to say the name of God, because God is beyond understanding. Well, for me, making love is like that, and talking about it kind of destroys that feeling. It doesn’t matter when you talk about it, because if you do it in some neutral time, you remember it next time you make love, and, well, the dance is gone.

I mean, blowjob? Hand job? Go down? Greek? Conventional? It’s like you are engaging in a commercial transaction with a prostitute.

Now, maybe, if you have a sense of humor about it, you might be able to talk about it without destroying the feeling of it. Unfortunately, neither my wife nor I have much of a sense of humor. Everything is always serious with us. Some people in cyberland have told me they think I have a good sense of humor, but it’s not the same in the real world.

Anyway, that’s how I feel about it. That’s why the triple yuck.

I mean, I have no problem listening to other people talk about it, and in a clinical setting or a classroom setting, I can distance myself from it and talk about it. Hell, I can even write about it—in other contexts (and I do that well), but that’s all different. That’s not serious. Not sacred. Not private because it is my own, deep down, truely essential feeling that is so fragile, it must be protected in any way I can come up with. That is where daloon is finally daloon.

Sakata's avatar

Sooooo I’m guessing “Anal,” “Face Fuck,” and “Auto Erotic Asphyxiation” are all out as well.

Not even going to ask about “Cleveland Steamer,” Amazon Firefighter,” and “Rusty Trombone.”

wundayatta's avatar

@Sakata—I’m afraid so. I’m sure people are into that stuff, and I suppose it could be part of intense love, but it sounds to me more like that’s fun and games, except for the asphyxiation stuff, which, while I’m sure it gives incredible pleasure, kinda doesn’t do it for me on the risk/reward scale.

But if you want to tell us about your experiences, go right ahead.

Sakata's avatar

I somehow doubt my stories would be accepted very well. Besides, I’d end up wanting to make up stuff for filler. Like a “based on true events” movie. Wouldn’t even be believeable stuff either.

“Then she pulled out a power drill. I was like ‘When’d you buy that?’ But I spoke too soon. Next came all the attachments for the thing. Blah blah blah”

Bottom line is… we don’t want that to happen.

laureth's avatar

Sometimes it’s easier to talk about those things in the dark. That way, you’re communicating but you don’t have to bare the words to the harsh light of day. Also, you don’t have to look at each other and feel embarrassed in the dark.

We often accompany such talks with examples. This feels really good, while doing the thing. It turns the talk into a higher resolution version of the dance.

Or, this doesn’t feel as good as this, for example.

I’m all with you on it being a dance. But even good dancers rehearse, so they know what their partner will do or where they’ll be (literally and figuratively). You can’t expect a bunch of untrained freshmen to do Swan Lake on their first pass. On the other hand, give them some time and training and they’ll perform beautifully!

Sakata's avatar

@laureth You’re pro masturbation aren’t you?

Jack79's avatar

yes, but it depends on what you mean by “specifics”. We generally told each other what we liked, and tried it. Not that it made any difference though.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I’m not married, but I have no problem talking about sex, in any way, if I’m talking to the person I love. Grew up in a different time though, so that probably has a lot to do with it.

introv's avatar

My current partner and I have started to discuss the specifics quite a lot, not only what to do but how that feels (good and bad) in detail (sex can truly make you experience some amazing feelings huh), and I really, really hope we can continue to expand that area of our relationship. The discussions aren’t only limited to the here and now but also our deepest fantasies… the kinds of things that you really don’t usually discuss with anyone, or certainly I never have.

From my perspective, if someone knows not only what to do for me, but also exactly how that makes me feel, and then they chose to do that thing or behave in that way just for my benefit that has a hugely positive effect on the relationship. Not only that but if they can listen to and understand your deepest fantasies… even if you have no desire to act upon them, without judging or feeling any pressure from them (as they are only fantasies after all) then that’s another huge plus both in and out of the bedroom.

It’s not only about the sex but also about complete honesty and the trust that can bring. Also, the more communication that takes place, the better the ‘dancing’ and the more spontaneous the actions can become.

laureth's avatar

@Sakata – Of course. I can’t think of any good reason not to be!

tb1570's avatar

Of course!! My god, I can only think of one or two things that might be (MIGHT be) more important to talk about in a relationship!!! And I also tell her, in very specific details, every little thing I love about her & her body (inside & out!)!!

wundayatta's avatar

My wife got very uncomfortable when I would talk about that. Later on, she said it sounded pornographic. So I stopped.

cyndyh's avatar

You say “sounded pornographic” like it’s a bad thing. :^>

galileogirl's avatar

Yes, pornography is literally writing (or in modern terms communicating) about sexual things. While we all might agree there is a time and place, if you can’t communicate about sex with your sexual partner, then who? We look upon sexual communication as “bad” as a Victorian attitude but Vicky has been dead for 100 years and the world has changed in almost every other social attitude.

BTW Since Victoria and Albert had 9 kids in less than 20 years, they must have had some royal communication!

tb1570's avatar

@galileogirl Victorian?? Try Puritan!!

wundayatta's avatar

Yup. Definitely Puritan. I grew up in Massachusetts. Need I say more?

We may be liberal and openminded, but just because we don’t disapprove of many things, that doesn’t mean we have to engage in all those things.

People have different standards for pornography, but she doesn’t like it not because it’s pornography, but because it makes her uncomfortable.

Communication is important, of course. The thing is, lovemaking is communication. It’s a different language; one without words. For her, words take her out of that love-making conciousness. For me, talking about it later—nice, in theory, but very difficult to do, especially in front of anyone else, but even alone, it just doesn’t make me very comfortable, and it’s not funny, and I don’t even know if it helps. I’m strange that way.

galileogirl's avatar

Didn’t the Puritans bundle? Anyway with the Puritans it wasn’t just sex, it was anything that could make you smile. <;)’

wundayatta's avatar

‘Tis true. I am a very dour person. I never laugh, if I can help it.

pay no attention to the cackling behind the curtain

galileogirl's avatar

@daloon You may not laugh but you have quite a smile.

wundayatta's avatar

@galileogirl: color me dumbfounded. I have no idea what you mean. Is that a sideways reference to my avatar?

galileogirl's avatar

What? Are you accusing ME of cracking a joke?

Sakata's avatar

lol… she said crack

wundayatta's avatar

Damn, I need to find me a no pun zone!

galileogirl's avatar

Did he say bun free zone?-me too

casheroo's avatar

My husband went to a therapy session with me once, and the therapist asked about our sex life. It felt so intrusive to have someone ask about it. So, I feel your pain on the uncomfortablness.
I imagine at some point we talked about what we like and don’t like, I don’t recall any specific conversation though. We are very open about that sort of thing, so it’s easy for us.

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