General Question

nebule's avatar

If you were going through a divorce would you keep a photo of you and your husband by your bed?

Asked by nebule (16446points) February 21st, 2009

bearing in mind that you had an affair first which sparked of the divorce…your husband is now having an affair (as are you still) but nevertheless you are well into divorce proceedings.

So would you keep a photograph of the two of you on your wedding day by your bedside table and another one on the window sill?
If so…why?
Or would you get rid of them?
If so why?

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36 Answers

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

In that situation I would get rid of the pictures. It’s time to move on.

dynamicduo's avatar

No, I wouldn’t keep the picture there. Having a picture of the marriage would be completely ironic considering the values of said day had been broken by both people.

Then again, who’s to say you’re wrong if you want to remember happy days. If someone gains comfort from it, they should go right ahead and keep the picture there.

richardhenry's avatar

Seems a bit silly. Put them in a drawer with some other stuff and move on.

Sueanne_Tremendous's avatar

When I got divorced I did not keep a picture of us anywhere. I did, however, keep his sister in my bed for a couple days straight. True story….

SuperMouse's avatar

I have rid the bedroom and living room of any pictures of us together. I have not burned any pictures, but I certainly do not gaze fondly at any pictures either.

chyna's avatar

I put mine away in a box. I have never looked at them again.

Bagardbilla's avatar

When I went through one last year, (she fell in love with a then close friend of mine), not only did I purge all pics of us but I left all things in our home (including the house) to her.
Without her in my life I did not want anything reminding me of our previous life together. The only thing I insisted on was that I have our two girls EQUAL time!
In retrospect, best decesion I’ve ever made!
I did get through it, as you two will.
It did hurt, a lot, as it will for you two.
All you can do is work to protect yourself, setup conditions to heal yourself, and MOST importantly find ways to forgive one another! It’s the only way YOU will heal!
I will hold you (both) in Light.

steelmarket's avatar

I don’t know, maybe keeping the photos around for a while are a part of the grieving process for this person. Long term, though – box ‘em all up.

elijah's avatar

I took my photos down as soon as he moved out. I don’t like clinging to the past. It was my time to enter a new phase of my life, and I wanted to go forward with no baggage or second thoughts. Of course I didn’t get rid of the pictures, because I didn’t want to try and pretend he never existed. I kept them for the kids, I don’t want them to think I regret that time. I can’t regret it because it taught me a lesson.
I think if you display pictures it shows you still want that person to be a part of your day to day life. They aren’t there in person, but you haven’t really let go of them.

fireside's avatar

I can’t imagine keeping them up if the emotional connection is in a damaged state.
I also can’t imagine what the people that both parties are having an affair with think when they see the photos up.

The only reason I can see leaving them up is if there are kids involved and you don’t want them to feel differently about either parent.

mzgator's avatar

I would give all of the pictures of you two together to your children. Allow them to have a picture in their room and a photo album. If there are no children, gather the pictures into a box and put it on a hugh shelf in the back of a closet. After everything with the divorce is done and you are thinking clearer, move then to a new place or the trash.

SuperMouse's avatar

@fireside you make a great point. I also agree about the kids, while I have removed pictures of my ex and myself, I have left pictures of the kids with their father.

fireside's avatar

@SuperMouse – That sounds like a good compromise!

Jack79's avatar

If you are talking about yourself lynne, from what I know you are certainly over him. So there is no point in keeping the pictures. Unless on some subconscious level you still feel married (I thought you were not even married actually).

Yes, I did forget to remove the pictures for several months after my wife and I got separated. It had nothing to do with my feelings towards her, I’d just never gotten around to doing it (and had no girlfriend at the time anyway). I eventually renovated the house and got rid of them then.

But her pictures are still in my daughter’s room and I never plan to remove those, despite all that has happened since. My current gf is exactly the same about her ex (she hates his guts but has a huge picture of him in her daughter’s room).

Likeradar's avatar

@Sueanne_Tremendous Please, please elaborate!

galileogirl's avatar

When I was divorced I made up a couple of albums and gave them to my daughter. 15 years later, when he died, his wife gave her a beautifully framed portrait. When she moved to her own place she left the portrait behind and when I would remind her about it she kept saying she would get it later. 10 years have passed and it lives in the top of the hall closet.It just would feel strange to have a picture out of a man I divorced 35 years ago who has been dead for 15 years.

essieness's avatar

I actually had this conversation with my mom recently. I obviously took all our pictures out of frames and put them in boxes (and the ones on my computer I tucked away in hidden folders), but I just couldn’t bring myself to throw them away, even though I was the one who left the marriage. My mom made the point that she wished she had some pictures from her first marriage simply because it was a chapter of her life, good or bad. I decided I would keep them, but keep them put away. It’s still a part of your life, so while I wouldn’t leave them out to gaze at every day, I would keep them around for memories.

veneziana's avatar

I would keep them. Life is a book and this is just one chapter. Some day when your old and grey you may want to look back and view that
chapter. Keep adding chapters to your book and good luck.

LouisianaGirl's avatar

Keep them but put them in a cardboard box in the back of the closet so you can look at them for memories or just to remember! Or give them to your children as a way to remember their father because I was young when my dad left and I didnt know who he was because I was 1 when he left then I was 4 or 5 when he came back so I didnt know who he was because I didnt recognize him. And yes if one day you have grandchildren they would love to see their grandparents together. Keep some and give some away.

Dog's avatar

Just curious about the writer of this question.

Is the post made by a divorcee or by the new girlfriend or boyfriend?

If it is the later then perhaps it could be considered fair warning that the
divorcee is still clinging to hope of reuniting over time. (which does happen)

Carol's avatar

I’m wondering why you would want your past rather than your present to be the first thing you see in the morning and the last thing you see at night.

90s_kid's avatar

Depends on how mad I am ;)

nebule's avatar

@Jack79 and @Dog Actually, thank you all for your responses.

I am not part of the marriage in question. I am going out with the husband of the wife that is keeping her wedding photos next to the bed. They are halfway through a divorce. He found out she was having an affair in June last year and he then got in touch with me. Like i say both of them are seeing other people now. When i went over to his house this week i noticed the pictures in her bedroom and another picture of the wedding day in the dining room. They do have two children (on 6 and one 2) so i can understand them keeping the one up in the dining room (although having said that the kid does know about the divorce so…?)

I find it VERY odd that she is keeping these pictures in her room and particularly by her bed. Quite frankly it pissed me off so I’m grateful for your answers I know that I am not being unreasonable on this one now. I still think she has motives that are unclear to anyone else. I do think she is very devious and could have even put them there knowing i would be visiting. Women can be quite evil and I wouldn’t put it past her.

Fact is I can’t do anything about it as my partner doesn’t seem to think that this is an issue. Well, it probably isn’t for him. But it is for me. I don’t trust her and at times I don’t trust him. Guess one just has to sit these things out and see what happens.

Thanks everyone for your input x It’s good to know one isn’t being as paranoid as is sometimes thought.

Jack79's avatar

sounds like a healthy plan essieness

lynne, if I get this right, they are still living together? You mention it as “his place” but mention “her room”. As far as the kids go, it’s not about not knowing. My daughter never remembers her parents being together. But it is important for me that she remembers who her mum is, even though she has never seen her and me in the same room together. Actually, this has been more important than you can imagine. Because when she is with her mum she is not even allowed to mention my name (they systematically beat her everytime she says the word “daddy”) whereas with me she is allowed to talk about her mother, or even call her is she wants to. And has a picture of her in her room, so overall she does not miss her presence.

Putting the pics for you to see sounds very probable. Yes, women can be devious (finally I have it in black and white by a woman herself! yeah!).

At the same time men are just as simple as any stereotype you’ve heard about us. If he says he never thinks about her, it’s probably because he doesn’t. And I’m sure you have nothing to fear, regardless of her motives. Though if they really are still living together (as I understand from your post), then maybe it’s time for him to physically move on.

nebule's avatar

Thanks @Jack79 a very humble and calm approach, like it a lot. Yes they are still living together due to financial restraints (they have separate bedrooms obviously), and due to the kids, geographical logistics and work responsibilities neither one can move out into friends/family homes either temporarily. Although i really don’t understand all the ins and outs of it and when it comes down to it I have to trust Him that they really have no other options other than to wait….

They are waiting to sell the house..which let’s face it could be quite some time in this economic downturn. So patience is my only friend…and of course trust which is a little hard to come by at times particularly when things like the photos are exposed to you…

Jack79's avatar

I wouldn’t worry about it that much, it will all work out in the end :)

fireside's avatar

I think the pictures are more for her as she works through her process of guilt for having the affair that initially led to all of this change. That’s not an unhealthy thing.

Obviously, the relationship was already disconnected if she had an affair and that revelation led to him finding a new love and them working towards separation. I wouldn’t question either of their motives because there is nothing good that can come from it.

Let it run its course, they’re not even divorced yet.

galileogirl's avatar

@lynneblundell I’m sorry to say this but it looks like you might be “rebound” woman or “I’ll show you that I’m still attractive” woman.

1st of all, how do you know what she has in her bedroom? If you have been in there, that is very bad form.

If you have been told or shown, that’s a clear message that it isn’t over or someone wouldn’t have included you in something something that personal.

My experience is that if it was really over someone would be out of there. If he can’t afford his own place he surely can afford a room or stay with a friend/relative. If she wanted him out he would be gone.

If they are waiting for the real estate market to come back, they may be sharing for years. Also when “exes” are interacting many try it on for old times sake. You don’t know what kinds of games are going on unless it is legally and geographically over.

nebule's avatar

@galileogirl Just to clarify, I have a son too and my son was with me. It was early moring and my SO had put the TV on in her room for him to watch…He switched the channels and i went in there to sort it out for him at one point. So if it’s bad from to take care of my kid then i guess you’re right. Maybe i should have just kept my eyes closed all the time? But then why would i? Why would there be anything that i shouldn’t have seen?

Your last two paragraphs i do agree with and this is my major problem with the whole damn thing. But as explained earlier there’s isn’t much i can do other than chop his balls off and plot my revenge if he even dares go anywhere near her. Given of course that i could be being completely deceived and may never find out…well I think i might just go and throw up at that thought….

galileogirl's avatar

It’s bad form and just asking for trouble to put your kid in HER room. C’mon, can’t you see what a giant invasion of privacy that was? And why would you take your kid into that situation? Whether you were just visiting or engaged in something more, if you can’t keep your child with you, get a sitter. The fact that HE put the child in his wife’s room indicates they are either still intimate or he is really trying to piss her off. Think about how you would react if a roommate made your room available to friends and their children. Worse and worse.

elijah's avatar

You shouldn’t be at their house, just as her new boyfriend shouldn’t be there either.
Why are you settling for this behavior? I’m not attacking you so please don’t take offense, but you are putting yourself in a very compromising position. I would never date someone who lived with his ex. Until he moves out, he can’t be moving on. Same applies to anyone his wife is dating.

chyna's avatar

I went out on a first (only) date with a guy that asked me where I worked. When he found out the building I was in, he said his ex wife worked in the same building. He wanted to take me out to lunch the next day and call his wife and have her watch me get in her car! He wanted to show her he could get someone else. I’m not saying your guy is doing this, but maybe question his motives a little more closely.

nebule's avatar

@galileogirl i can see you are still working on your compassionate side x

galileogirl's avatar

What can I say, ask a question-get an answer. I don’t see in this case who needs compassion. Maybe the child who is taken along on Mom’s (intimate?) date? The wife whose husband is bringing a girlfriend into her house/bedroom? I do see someone making bad decisions.

nebule's avatar

you have totally misread the situation…. sometimes i wonder why i bother with Fluther when there are people like you here. and for future reference do not question my mothering decisions…you have NO right.

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