General Question

ubersiren's avatar

Married ladies: How okay are you with your husband watching porn online?

Asked by ubersiren (15180points) March 12th, 2009

Are you fine with it completely, or do you have certain guidelines that you compromise with? Do you enjoy it with them? Do you not have a preference at all?

Since men have been deemed “visual creatures” who need that type of stimulation, would it be fair to say that women are “emotional connection creatures” and they should get boyfriends to have sex with while the husbands are viewing porn online?

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35 Answers

essieness's avatar

I was married for 2 1/2 years, and unfortunately my ex was a porno-phobe. There were times I really wanted him to watch it to keep him off of me! He was awful in bed.

dynamicduo's avatar

Of course I’m fine with it, because I (a woman) watch porn myself.
There are no guidelines because I don’t presume to have that much control over my partner and what he chooses to do with his hands. I don’t consider making such rules a sign of respect at all.

Your second paragraph seems to be pure speculation. Men don’t “need” that type of stimulation any more than a woman “needs” to cry her eyes out. The conclusion you come to is also purely speculative and would not serve any positive purpose. Why would having sex with a new boyfriend be emotionally connecting any more than having sex with one’s husband?

AstroChuck's avatar

(in falsetto voice):
I’m okay with it.

hearkat's avatar

Your second paragraph leads me to suspect that the “husband” and “wife” in the question are not physically intimate as often as the “husband” is viewing porn. If that is the case, there are likely to be deeper issues of communication and intimacy that need to be addressed.

tinyfaery's avatar

I’m married, but I have no husband. Neither of us view porn. I’ll never understand the attraction of porn.

ubersiren's avatar

@dynamicduo : The excuse I hear repeatedly is that men are wired differently and can’t help themselves but to watch porn. I know this is bs but it’s the best they seem to be able to come up with. For those men who give this excuse, would they find it acceptable for their wives to find an emotional crutch to orgasm to while he has his visual crutch to orgasm to? I specifically said “boyfriend” so not to be confused with “fuck buddy.” Boyfriend as in reliable go-to-guy whenever she feels the itch. The second paragraph wasn’t meant to be actual, it was more hypothetical. Like, if the guy is giving his visual needs as an excuse, then why can’t the woman’s emotional needs be used as an excuse as well? I’m not considering cheating on my husband, but I am considering bringing this up to him to see what he’d say. Sort of giving him an idea of what it feels like to me.

@hearkat: We (it’s me, surprise!) have sex on a regular basis. I’d say 3 times a week, not to throw you directly into our bedroom. I have sex even when I don’t feel like it sometimes, but usually I’m game. This week we are sick with the flu and I haven’t felt like it. He decided to watch porn right beside me in bed. Porn has been an issue for us in the past. I’m out of ideas.

The excuses I get are amazing, by the way. Absolutely the most ridiculous words to ever come out of a mouth.

wundayatta's avatar

@ubersiren You seem to be suggesting that watching porn is like sleeping with a live human here. Is that true?

ubersiren's avatar

@daloon : No. I’m saying that assuming it’s true that men need a visual stimulus to get off and women need an emotional connection to a real body, then those two things could be considered “porn” to their respective sexes. These things are not replacements for the spouse. They’re temporary. Just to get that itch taken care of.

ShauneP82's avatar

I am a husband. You should be his visual stimulation. If he can’t get his rocks off looking at you then he has problems. No you should desire him and only him. If you don’t and he won’t be with you when you need it. There is something wrong. Divorce is not an option. That is for quiters. (I don’t care what anybody elses opinion is on this. Yes if he is abusive you can divorce the ####.) If he loves you he will try to stop using porn, period. He will slip up though. Thats okay. The point is its a very bad habit that all me suffer with. If they say they don’t they are lying.

nocountry2's avatar

I don’t have a problem with it, and I enjoy it my self, and also with him. What I have a problem with is inappropriate flirting, photo exchange, or web camming with people you know.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

We don’t & never have watched porn. As my husband says, sex is a participant sport, not a spectator sport. But if he WAS watching it, I’d be REAL upset. That’s just not how we live. The real deal is better than watching it.

Bluefreedom's avatar

I’m a husband and the only time I ever watched porn was because I was forced to watch it. It’s kind of hard to say no when you have a loaded vibrator pointed at your head. I was under duress.

ubersiren's avatar

@ShauneP82 : There won’t be a divorce. He says he wants to stop, so I don’t understand why I keep catching him- and more frequently as of late. I just don’t get it. I don’t believe I’ll ever be ok with it or understand it, or buy in to the excuses.

girlofscience's avatar

(I’m not married, but I live with my long-term partner, so…)

I love that he watches porn!!! If he does so within the few hours before we get down to business, it makes for even longer sexy-time :D

wundayatta's avatar

I can see porn being a problem if it takes time away from a spouse. However, when the spouse just isn’t interested, it seems to me that porn is a good way to keep yourself from going outside the marriage. (As long as the spouse’s disinterest isn’t a result of a problem in the relationship—in which case, couples therapy is indicated).

augustlan's avatar

I have no issue with men (or women) watching porn. The only issue I would have is if it became a substitute for the real relationship. If he says he wants to stop and can’t, he may be a sex addict. Even in that case, I’d be inclined to view it as a safe way for him to feed the need. It’s more likely though, that he’s telling you what you want to hear.

I’m more concerned with why you are ‘catching’ him at it. He shouldn’t have to hide it from you… you are not his mother.

ubersiren's avatar

I mean, I’m fine if he wants to masturbate if I’m not in the mood, it’s the porn itself that bugs. And he does feel guilty, which I don’t understand if it’s supposed to just be part of a man’s nature. Stand up for yourselves if that’s really how you feel. If not, then gain just a cunt hair of composure and knock it off. It all just seems like a big cop out so they can yank it to hot chicks performing mouth to vagina.

augustlan's avatar

It’s just visual stimulation to help the process along. I’m a woman, and I’ve never really understood why people are so upset about porn (as long as the performers are consenting adults).

tinyfaery's avatar

“hot chicks performing mouth to vagina.” Huh?

casheroo's avatar

I think my husband only looks at porn with me. It’s not a rule we have, but usually when porn is involved, both of us are present because we like to do that together. I’ve watched porn without him, then showed him it later…or vice versa. Usually because it’s something utterly ridiculous that we HAVE to show the other lol.
I don’t know if he looks at porn, honestly. If he does then he does. I suppose if he had an addiction to it, and it got in the way of our marriage..or his ability to care for our son, then it’d be an issue. I know this can happen. I hope this is not the case for you.

ubersiren's avatar

@tinyfaery : Similar to mouth-to-mouth. Only in a more sexy lesbian way.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

Porn is probably better than stepping out on your spouse (sorry, old person terminology for infidelity). Personally, I watch a little porn, my wife likes to watch it as well. Sometimes we watch it together. She knows when I do it alone, and she doesn’t really care, because all she has to do is indicate that she needs to ‘bump uglies’ with me and I can fulfill her needs. If thew mind is willing but the body isn’t, well that’s what all those sex toys we’ve bought over the years are for, people.

I don’t hide anything I do from her, because she is my best friend. We don’t have any secrets from each other. I suppose some people can’t believe that, but it’s true.

I’m sorry that other people don’t have the same amount of trust in their relationship that my wife and I do, but it took a lot of years to get where we are, we worked hard at it, and we are now reaping the rewards from that hard work. In a relationship, trust and communication and compassion is everything.

alive's avatar

why do you feel like it is a problem? you don’t want him to watch lesbian porn? why does he watch it alone and then feel ashamed? would you mind him watching if he did not try to hide it?

ask yourself honestly why you feel like this is a ‘bump in the road.’ If you figure out what about the porn situation bothers you, then talk to him and give him time and space to think about the issue, and consider your feelings as well.

communication is key!!!!

if you have trouble being honest with yourself about the core of the problem then you cannot communicate with him.

and there is always sex therapists! they can work wonders! i mean it… WONDERS! they are really helpful in a no-shame kind of way.

ShauneP82's avatar

Ubersiren,
More than likely they are not excuses. He is probably addicted. In which case he needs to battle through it. It is really hard to do. I was addicted to it. I am not now. I will tell you it was really hard to kick at first. The best suggestion I can make—this will require his cooperation—when he feels the urge to look at it he needs to tell you and you need to respond to him somehow that will fulfill that desire. That does not necessarily mean sex. If not for my wife helping and supporting I would still be addicted.

One last point. There is a difference between looking at it and needing it. Guys who are not addicted look at it, but nowhere near as often if not at all. Why? I don’t know they just do. I guess we appreciate the female body and all its beauty. But for him to kick the addiction he needs to throw it out entirely. If you need to get rid of your computer do it if it will help him.

dynamicduo's avatar

It is both man and woman’s nature to have orgasms/ejaculations, more so for men because of the different subcontinents motivators that drive us as animals – men are “programmed” to spread their seed (originally done by having sex with women, now done by that and masturbating), women are “programmed” to have sex with the best possible mate and not the most mates. However we are strong capable humans who can override our base needs and desires, which is why some people choose to not enjoy stimulation.

@ubersiren – based on what you’ve said, I believe your husband has an unhealthy relationship with pornography. Generally people don’t feel guilty after viewing porn. The fact that he does would indicate that he believes it is problematic and thus that is the only reason he needs to seek support for his problem. I will make no judgment as to whether he is addicted or not to it as I do not have any legal or educational capacity to do so, however one does not need to be addicted to something before the item causes problems in one’s life or relationship, and this is the case here.

I agree with others who have said this is a symptom of a bigger issue in your relationship. If he wants to stop and has vocalized that thought, great, what steps is he taking to do so? Is he attending support groups? Are the two of you going on walks so that he’s not left with himself in his hands? What are you doing to support his decision other than catching him in the act, and when you do catch him, what do you do? The reason I ask this is because your previous answers do not contain the answer to this question.

Finding an “emotional fuck buddy” is not equal in any way, shape, or form, to your husband using pornography. I’m even more perplex by this line: I specifically said “boyfriend” so not to be confused with “fuck buddy.” Boyfriend as in reliable go-to-guy whenever she feels the itch. If this is the way you feel, then why are you married to your husband? Your husband should be the one satisfying your emotional and physical itches, and your girlfriends (and some men) can contribute to helping you express your emotions in a way that does not damage the integrity of your marriage (the commitment you and your husband made to each other). But to actively seek out another man with whom to only have an emotional relationship, without prior agreement of both people, is way worse than your husband finding physical release through the use of pornography. It’s worse than having a sexual affair in my mind.

I strongly suggest the two of you go to a couples sex therapist to help with resolving the issue. And if your husband is not willing to do so, nor willing to do anything else to solve the problem he has admitted to having and wanting to fix, then I believe that says a lot about his commitment to the relationship and to his wife’s happiness. Talk is cheap, after all, you’ve likely already seen this in the “excuses” he comes up with.

ubersiren's avatar

@dynamicduo : As I said before, I know it’s in a man’s nature to want to have sex and spread their seeds as much as they can. I’m all for him fulfilling his horniness, either with my help or alone in the shower, or whatever he needs, I just don’t think the porn is necessary. I masturbate on occasion, but I don’t require looking at someone else to do it.

He really is trying. We are very healthy in that we talk things out. I just happened to be upset and jumped on fluther to get some support, which I found. We’ve talked since the most recent incident. It turns out that this time he was not actually watching porn as I suspected. He would tell me. He doesn’t lie when he’s caught. Which brings me to my next point. I would never have an extramarital boyfriend. The idea behind my statement was to bring that idea up to my husband so he can see what his porn feels like to me. As if he were cheating. I wasn’t suggesting that if he continues the porn I would just knock boots with the first person I came across. The question asked was “Is it a fair comparison.” His porn = visual stimulus, my porn = emotional stimulus. The point is I don’t “need” a boyfriend or a real person to please myself just like I don’t believe he “needs” porn.

He’s a great husband and is very committed to me and our family. I know he wouldn’t do anything intentional to screw it up. We may eventually see a therapist just for a little extra help. But, for now he’s actually doing a fantastic job.

dynamicduo's avatar

I’m very glad to hear your response, @ubersiren.

I understand how you thought to use the two situations to draw an analogy, and in some ways I do agree with what you say, in that you perceive his pornography use as cheating. Indeed, the emotions surrounding a person choosing porn over their spouse, and the emotions surrounding a person choosing another person over their spouse, are just as similar as the phrasing I’ve used here. The point I wanted to get across was that while similar, there are differences between the inanimate nature of pornography and the animate nature of another person, and that while comparing and contrasting the two situations may be helpful, it can also lead to derailing the discussion and not focusing on the actual issue.

I am glad to hear that both of you are approaching the situation as a couple. I am also glad to hear that your initial post was made in a moment of high emotions versus this being a regular daily thing. I rescind my previous thoughts that this is an underlying issue of something bigger, and while I do support you two going to couples therapy sometime, it seems you both have the issue well in hand and are dealing with it very properly. I wish you both the best of luck in continuing on that path.

wundayatta's avatar

@ubersiren: Your feelings are your feelings, and I can not deny them. All I can say is that if I were in your position, I don’t think I would be so offended or worried about the porn. Every situation is different of course. I used to use porn fairly often, because I was not connecting with my wife. Once we worked on fixing that, and love making became a more regular thing, my use of porn dropped off to almost nothing.

I think there is no universal lesson here. It all depends on the individual circumstances of the relationship. I guess I would hope that you talk to your husband and try to get him to express, honestly, why he is doing this. I would hope that you could listen without getting defensive or making it hard for him to talk. He may not know, of course. Still, you might not feel so badly about it, if he can tell you his motivations.

ubersiren's avatar

Thanks everyone for understanding and contributing.

mdrnmouse's avatar

women don’t watch porn! LIES!
and it’s natural for a man to want to watch te pr0nz for something non-usual.

Amoebic's avatar

Yep! No problem with porn so long as it’s discreet (as in, not so loud the neigbors/children/etc can see or hear).

azhaiaziam's avatar

if your man is watching porn and getting off on it… straight forward….you ain’t satisfying him.. cause if you were his hands and eyes will be all on you

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sheepinarowboat's avatar

There is NO porn of any kind allowed in my home. My husband had issues with it years ago and it took a lot for him to overcome and for me to forgive him. Why in heaven’s name, would I want to watch my husband lusting after another woman? Why would I want to watch mentally ill people who probably have some kind of STD, spreading it to someone else. Do people even know what happens with these girls in the porn industry? They are almost always on drugs, most are mentally ill, the vast majority have sexually transmitted diseases because they don’t use condoms and about 5 every year die from AIDS. They are raped, lied to and the diseases they contract lead to infertility later. It emotionally cannibalizes the woman’s spirit and destroys her reproductive organs. It makes my heart ache for them just thinking about it.

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