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aviona's avatar

Would it be a horrible idea to hook up with an old boyfriend so soon after a breakup?

Asked by aviona (3255points) March 21st, 2009

I will try and make this long story as short as possible. God, I’m sure you guys are sick of hearing this shit from me.

So, my exboyfriend and I had Ratatat tickets for the night of my birthday. How perfect. The band that we both live and breathe for was coming to our little town on my birthday. Well, not so perfect now that we broke up. I thought that we could make amends and still go together as friends seeing as it is my birthday and we both love the band so much. But, he refuses to go because there are too many memories attached. It makes me sad, but I don’t find it unreasonable.

So, he gave me both the tickets (which he paid for) and didn’t ask for any money, which I really appreciate. He said I could sell them or take whomever else I wanted.

So, I invited my exexboyfriend (if that makes sense). He and I have been in touch lately and he’s been pretty supportive through all of this. He’s also a Ratatat fan. I felt like I couldn’t invite any of my girlfriends because a) they don’t really like Ratatat that much and b) it would create a huge bitchy rift of “OMG, I can’t believe you invited her and not me!” So, I went with a guy.

The thing is, I know we’ll be drinking, having fun, etc. And in our recent conversions, I’ve sensed a little flirtation. And there’s not much doubt in my mind that if the opportunity arose to hook up that he would take it. I’m just wondering if I should in my current fragile state. Because some people’s theory is that to get over someone you need to find a new one—a rebound at least. But at this point I think I need to find myself.

I’m in this whole “I am me. I am my own person now. I need to discover who I am and find the love inside myself.” stage and I’m not sure if doing something like that would ruin it.

Also, would it be completely vindictive against my most recent exboyfriend? I really do still love and care for him? But of course, I have those angry feelings of wanting to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me. And it’s hard to just push those aside.

Of course my hopes would be we could have one night of drunken birthday fun and that would be the end of it. I’m just scared of losing myself again.

And I know I’m getting quite a bit ahead of myself, but does anyone (especially those of you who now know me) have any words of advice?

Sorry, that was not at all brief

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30 Answers

lefteh's avatar

Hooking up with exes is in general a bad plan….

aviona's avatar

:sigh: I thought you were going to say that…

I bet you didn’t even read my horrifically long explanation, did you?

prasad's avatar

Try insist him to come along, if he comes then spend some nice time. Tell him you think it better to spend some time together, especially your birthday! Don’t bring any past memories in conversation. Try talking about him.
Wish you all the best!
Wish you very happy birthday!

aviona's avatar

@prasad do you mean my most recent exboyfriend? Because I have insisted and tears have flowed and he is pretty stubborn on the issue.
He loves this band and regardless of that fact and regardless of the fact that he will be in town and regardless of the fact that he paid for the tickets and regardless of the fact that it is my birthday and he apparently “cares for me very much,” he will not come.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Why would you want to hook up with old ex if you still have feelings for new ex? That would be salt in the wound for new ex, and would get him over you quicker than you would seem to like.

aviona's avatar

@AlfredaPrufrock you’re right I suppose, but only if he found out. Ugh, I’m sorry horrible and conniving.

prasad's avatar

Yeah. Agree with AlfredaPrufrock.
Going with old ex can hurt your relation with new ex?
Would you not like it to go with new ex?

I know it’s hard to forget old one.

aviona's avatar

The old one and I are just friends now, I could just see the hooking up happening is all. And yes, if the new ex found out I’m sure it could hurt relations, which would be bad.

I would LOVE to go with the most recent ex since we both love the band and share that connection, but he refuses after my repeated attempts to get him to go. HIS NAME is on the fucking tickets.

Who knows, maybe the old ex won’t even be into me at all and I’m reading wayyy too into this as usual and being completely conceited.

prasad's avatar

After all I’m not able to figure out why the new one, if he likes tha band, is not ready to come along and join you?
Is he planning some surprise on your birthday for you?

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Mail your new ex the ticket and you go alone. Maybe he’ll show up if he has the ticket.

prasad's avatar

I think it would be better to go with your girlfriends (one, two, or more, more is preferable). That way you won’t get into trouble.
Only thing is what you think or feel (and especially about someone’s reply on it. Don’t take anyone’s taunts seriously. Just ignore.)

aviona's avatar

The problem is, the tickets are sold out so there are only two tickets available. And there’s no need to mail him the tickets, we live a few blocks away from each other as it stands now. He had the tickets in his email until he emailed them to me (and still probably does). He just said he does not want to go to the concert with me because of all the memories and is being very stubborn. So, those are his feelings.

augustlan's avatar

Go with old ex, but make it clear that you are fragile and have no intentions beyond going as friends. If he’s not super trustworthy, don’t get too drunk. If you’re good friends with him and trust him fully, you might even tell him not to take advantage of you if you happen to end up in a drunken state. After all that set-up, try to relax and enjoy the show! ;-)

basp's avatar

I agree with the person above that said mail him the ticket and go alone.

Liztarsh's avatar

well going to concerts is always better when both people like the band (ratatat, good choice :]) but you should defiantly not hook up with them, because that might stir up old feelings that arnt really true. you should try to establish more of a friend relationship with him.

Jude's avatar

Rebound? Never a good idea. You’d only be using the other person to fill that “void”. Not fair to them, nor you. I just went through a shitty breakup (January) and the more that I’ve distanced myself from my ex, the better I’ve felt. You seriously do need time for yourself. And adding an ex-ex only complicates things, I think. Like others have said, you’re in a fragile state right now. He seems interested (again) and with alcohol, you’ve got to be careful. It’s too soon, IMO. Personally, if it were me, I’d go alone.

elijah's avatar

I think you are over thinking the situation.
1) Ask a girlfriend to go. If multiple girlfriends want to go, pick a name out of a hat. If someone complains, tell them to grow up.
2) take ex ex. Act like friends, don’t hook up. You clearly can not emotionally handle a rebound relationship right now. It’s supposed to be fun, not a therapy session. Don’t get him involved romantically if you can’t get your ex out of your head. Both of you get hurt this way.
3)take a brother/ sister/ cousin. You don’t have to worry about drunken sex with them ;-)

lefteh's avatar

@aviona: For the record, I did read your explanation. Thoroughly. And I mean this with no disrespect for your situation or for you: it didn’t seem very unique to me. It seems like an almost archetypal pattern. Guy A and Girl date, Guy A and Girl split, Girl meets Guy B, Guy B and Girl date, Guy B and Girl split, Girl goes back to Guy A.
I apologize for oversimplifying your situation, but that’s why I gave such a general answer.

casheroo's avatar

If you want to do it, go ahead. This will crush any hope you had of ever getting back together with the more recent ex, because he will not like this at all. You can go as just friends, you don’t have to do anything sexual with him.

marinelife's avatar

I read you whole rationalization, oops, I mean explanation. It sounds to me from that and your subsequent posts in this thread that you are looking for Flutherites to give blessings for you to hook up with somebody.

You know it’s a bad idea.

Your excuse for not going with a woman is weak.

You are looking to hook up.

Tell your exex that you are fragile and going with him is a bad idea. Then take someone you can enjoy the show with.

Also, get a grip. Your plan to discover you is great! Stay strong.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

You can’t fill a hole in your heart with a penis.

That being said, if both of you are perfectly aware of the implications of what you’re doing, and you are both in the emotional state to handle it, by all means, you are under no obligation to your ex to either hook up or not hook up. I would say that it does sound like you’re just reverting back to a comfortable place instead of staying strong. I wouldn’t do it; it seems like a mess more trouble than it is worth. Go as friends, but don’t hook up.

elijah's avatar

@TitsMcGhee I wish I could give you a million lurve for that penis line.

marinelife's avatar

edit: Line 1: your whole (not you). Mea culpa; crappy typer.

cak's avatar

Taking old ex sounds like you will be playing with fire. New ex will find out, somehow – they always do. If you ever wanted to get back together with new ex – don’t count on it after the concert.

Taking old ex could be fun, but if you think there is even a chance that something more than friendship will happen, it’s not a good idea. I don’t think it’s fair to put all the responsibility on him to not take advantage of you, if you get drunk. If you feel there has been some level of flirting going on, and think you have to wear a warning sign to make sure he doesn’t think it’s anything more than friendship, then it is a bad idea to take him. You are both old enough to understand the risks, but if you feel that you need an entire “not more than friends disclaimer,” it’s a bad idea. Not just for you, but for him, as well. He may have feelings – going to a concert could think some door is starting to open, even if it’s not completely opening that night. The way I look at it, it’s not just your feelings that you need to look out for, it’s his feelings, as well. At least that is how I would have looked at the situation.

It just seems that you are playing with fire. You may be clear on your intentions, but if he is entertaining the idea or more than a friendship, it could go bad and fast.

Take a girlfriend. Also, if your girlfriends can’t deal with the fact that you only have one spare ticket…and understand that you can’t pick all of them – that’s a problem! Do what @elijahsuicide suggested – draw a name.

Or…sell the ticket.

Good luck.

aviona's avatar

Thank everyone for the advice. I feel pretty low and pathetic right now. So @lefteh, don’t worry about oversimplifying it, because really it is pretty basic.
The thing is, I don’t really want to take any of my girlfriends. I really don’t think any of them would enjoy it fully (even if they started a cat flight over it). And, just as a side note I’m an only child wit no cousins on this coast, so that (good) option is out of the question. And @TitsMcGhee that penis line is pretty priceless and true.
I will just have to stay strong. I’ve thinking that having a party after the concert would be fun so that I can hang out with everyone who can’t go to the concert. Plus I probably won’t be seeing a lot of them for a while. Anddd, if we’re at my own birthday party with a lot of friends, we can’t hook up at least in my mind, I wouldn’t do that. God, I sound like some sex-crazed psycho bitch.
And with my most recent ex finding out, I’m sure he will, but if he realizes we’ve just gone as friends it’ll just show that I’m strong and moving on. Because trust me, we’re about to move 500 miles away from each other, if we ever had a chance to get back together it wouldn’t be for quite a while. So for now, that’s how I need him to see me: confident and independent. but NOT hooking up with old boyfriends

cak's avatar

@aviona – I do hope you understand that I wasn’t trying to make you feel low or pathetic. I’m just speaking from past mistakes – past experiences. (not always mistakes!) It’s difficult to figure out the right or best thing to do – sometimes, there isn’t a clear answer and this may be one of those times for you. Whatever you do, enjoy the concert and have a great birthday. Stay true to yourself and you should be just fine! :)

Zaku's avatar

How about you go out with the exex and not sleep with him, and only if the ex wants to know, tell him?

If there is any possibility of you getting back with the ex, fooling around with the exex in the meantime could be hurtful to the ex. And, I suspect, might possibly be part of your shadow agenda here. Or maybe not.

aviona's avatar

Thank you guys, for following and giving me advice on my ridiculous shenanigans.

Lurve and love to all.

marinelife's avatar

@aviona I like your party idea. I think it would be great to have your friends celebrate you. That is bound to be cheering.

aviona's avatar

Yep. The plans are young, but in the making.

And now I am hearing rumors that tickets for the concert will be available at the door. This is so like me—making a mountain out of a molehill.

Thanks, again. Everyone.

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