General Question

kutelilkat's avatar

Some suggestions please; relationship trouble, boyfriend drama, need advice. should we try again or call it quits? Attraction, affection issues?

Asked by kutelilkat (279points) March 23rd, 2009

I just don’t know what to do. I want this to work out with him.

Ok here’s how it is:

we’re both 24. I’ve had 2 relationships before him; this is his first.

We have been together for about 1 1/2 years. Things have gone from great to slowly getting worst.

From the start I felt like he was into other women a little too much but I just told myself it was because he had all that desire built up from years of being alone (hes shy and nerdy) I thought it would pass as time went by. I thought his lack of knowledge about women and his immature attitude about sex and wanting other women so badly would calm down after awhile. I thought the bad habits would go away after being with me for a while so I didn’t really care about it too much at first. (everything else about him is great)

So for awhile I thought physically we thought each other looked good.

Then last night we were talking about taking things further; about moving in together ect… and he tells me,

” I don’t think we can keep doing this because I feel really guilty about all the women I see all the time that I want so badly (physically) and I don’t feel that way about you… but u already know this”

I have some real physical conditions which have caused me to have low self esteem and I feel insecure about my looks.

We then start talking about me getting plastic surgery ! and that then I would be really hot! ...ughh

He wants to make it work, I’m so confused…

what we have is special…

I need the guy I’m with to find me physically attractive, It might be shallow but I’ve never had that feeling really and I would like to. I feel so bad that I don’t look anything like all the women he likes. He must have high testosterone or something too because he is so crazy about women! Will I ever be what he wants? Jeez.

He says there are lots of hot women at his work and he cant stop thinking about them and they make him forget about me… does this mean I’m just not what he wants? even though he says he wants to stay with me?!

Ohh my head hurts.

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65 Answers

EmpressPixie's avatar

No offense, honey, but you should leave him. Find a guy who loves you and the way you look. It’s possible and way better than someone who thinks you need plastic surgery (?!?!) to look good. Seriously.

marinelife's avatar

There is nothing to decide here. He will never get “better”. From your description, he does not even want to.

Run, run for the hills!

You deserve better. You deserve to be with a guy who is attracted to you. You deserve to be with a guy who is not cruel enough to tell you he does not find you physically attractive while regaling you with how hot he is for all these other women.

Dog's avatar

He sounds like he wants to play around and he is honestly telling you so.

He also thinks you require plastic surgery go be “hot”

It may be special to you but from what I see he is only hanging with you till someone else comes along.

You can do better.

chyna's avatar

Plastic surgery? That’s a huge step not to mention the money it would cost and the serious risks. And if he then decided you needed other areas fixed? Or if he didn’t like you after you had surgery? You would be very upset with yourself for letting him talk you into that. Please let this guy go and find someone that will love you for yourself.

lindelizery's avatar

I don’t think you will ever be able to be confident that his desire for you to change will end. If he isn’t entirely happy with you now, and you did try something like plastic surgery (which I do not recommend!), what if it still wasn’t enough? I think you are trying to give him as much credit as you can, and I am sure that in some ways he is wonderful – but not in a way that makes a long-term relationship for the two of you a good idea. Don’t wait for his bad habits to go away… find someone without them.

Dr_C's avatar

get into a cab… drive to the airport… and get on planes heading in opposite directions.. NOW.

Save yourself the aggravation of letting this drag on any further and finding out what a complete tool this A-hole is.. you deserve better than someone who is consistently trying to mess with your self esteem by telling you how the hot chicks at work ake him forget about you.

kutelilkat's avatar

He is what I want…there is just this whole issue about him not desiring me physically that is ruining it. So something then I think, “yeah surgery would be the answer” I mean it is hard to find a guy who would be what I want. If I could just fix this issue between us it would be great… it sucks.

kutelilkat's avatar

thanks you guys. Im new to this site and I always seems to get great answers and so quickly !

kutelilkat's avatar

I guess it is time to move on then.

kutelilkat's avatar

Oh then he tells me he just has a problem and he is working on it. That he will calm down about wanting other women, that he just needs time. He says I do look good but for some reason he cant stop thinking about women too much ! ahh its crazy,.... it breaks my heart because we are great together besides this !

ninjacolin's avatar

the term “whoa” comes to mind.
i think there’s a lot we don’t know about this case.

he’s been amazingly honest it seems: he doesn’t like you the way you want him to.

what’s your style like? are you someone who “doesn’t care” what they dress like? consider looking into hipster fashion. enjoy dressing well. it affects people’s ideas of you as a person to observe your artistic ability in fashion choices.

ninjacolin's avatar

in general though.. YES, QUIT! Ignore his pleading. just quit on him. this is about you, not him.

YOU want someone who likes you a certain way.. so go find him. (this doesn’t mean you can’t use him for sex though.. no one said that! and tell him that’s what you’re doing! trust me. in fact, i encourage this.)

kutelilkat's avatar

I care how I look. I dress relaxed and conservative most of the time. I try to dress sexy for him as often as I can. which is pretty often. He always says something that makes me want to keep trying to make it work. He says “oh i cant help it, the women at work dress so sluty… i cant help but think about it constantly!”

ninjacolin's avatar

wow it was like i knew you’d say that. haha ^^

yea, you’re not suppose to be dating him on his terms. you’re suppose to be dating him on your terms. what he wants is almost entirely irrelevant.

you know what you want and you know he’s not at match with what you want. so.. that’s about that.

kutelilkat's avatar

I feel better now. I needed the confidence to end this. thanks

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@kutelilkat, He sounds really immature, but is at least playing fair in letting you know it. Any guy who wants you to remake your appearance with plastic surgery needs to be tossed back into the pond and be allowed to swim away. This guy will be like this until he’s into his late 20’s, or until he meets someone that breaks his heart. But that isn’t going to be you, and that’s okay. It’s better to find out early that you have a different value system.

kutelilkat's avatar

I’m not sure if I got brainwashed or what… but I kind of figured ” ...finding a great guy is hard or impossible, and all I have to do to make things great with the guy I’m with is change my looks some! plus he says he’ll pay…” I dunno, just sounded ok at the time…

kutelilkat's avatar

I guess I need to get some self esteem!

kutelilkat's avatar

What he said was just so sudden… I thought what has changed?! I didnt know he thought I looked so bad that looking at other women made him feel so guilty ! Jeez! So I thought maybe this will pass… just something crazy he’s going through…

I guess there is no fixing him though… He just needs to be single or be with one of those women he likes a lot ?

resmc's avatar

If he voiced his wanting you to get plastic surgery – eeps! i’d say be open to leaving the relationship. Even if you decide to possibly get together again later in life.

Yet, it’s hard to say, not knowing you, or the relationship. Whatever happens, clearly his issues seem to be more of a detriment to things working than you not fitting his criteria for attractiveness. (Perhaps, his lack of familiarity with relationships for some reason makes it hard to retain attraction once the ‘chase’ is over – grr, i hate how that ‘chase’ fetish is important to some. – Really, i can’t say, tho).

If you can, do your best to keep him from worsening your insecurity.

SeventhSense's avatar

Him———————————————->You heading towards self acceptance.

kutelilkat's avatar

he pretty much just wants me to get some boobs and clear up my skin. which are things I feel really insecure about so its all just really confusing.

so then its like ” well if that’s all u want then why are u so D@mN

crazy about them (women) ?!” It seems like something deeper is going on with him… like he is always thinking about women, I guess even if I was hot to him he would still want something else…?

If for nothing else, I think I’m ready to leave him because he is just too *ucking confusing!

I’m glad I came on here and u all answered !

resmc's avatar

If those changes are so important to him, it’s hard not to wonder – only based on the little i know, which may be misrepresentative of your relationship – if they matter more to him than you & what you have together. Not sure if it’s worth asking, but if he cares about those more, that says infinitely more about his shallowness (& perhaps immaturity) than your appearance.

You really deserve someone who at least doesn’t dig at your insecurity. And really, someone who can love you as you are, rather than only a plastic version of yourself.

SeventhSense's avatar

It’s different you wanting to do it though and him saying it.
I mean I’ve got some balls but I can’t imagine telling a girl to get plastic surgery. If he was really honest he would just say, “Hey I’m not ready for this right now” but since he’s not, the signals are SCREAMING AT YOU. Find yourself and improve yourself but you don’t need anyone’s approval to do that. The feedback is unanimous.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Aw, gee. I’m sorry this is happening.

He just wants other women. That’s all. This business about improving your looks and so on is so that he can feel like less of a bad guy. You said it yourself, you’re his first. He simply wants to sleep with more and different women.

Let him go. You know more now about what you want from your next relationship.

kutelilkat's avatar

Honestly, before being with him, I had already wanted to change a few things about my appearance, nothing extreme though, just like my hair, skin, clothes…ect. He knew this due to me making it clear on several occasions that I did not like specific things. I just always thought I could find a guy who liked my body though but he made me feel like I should just get surgery because it is going to be hard/impossible to find a guy who likes my body the way it is. I think he brought my self esteem down even lower instead of helping to raise it. This just isn’t working out between us. Ive decided that now.

kutelilkat's avatar

thanks aprilsimnel, I really liked what u had to say.

basp's avatar

For heavens sake!! If he doesn’t love you for the person you are then he doesn’t love you.
Why should you even consider plastic surgery for him?! That sort of decision should be made for YOU and no one else. You will never be ‘perfect’ enough for him and that is HIS problem.
There is someone out there that will appreciate you for who you are and love all of you, flaws and all.
You are young… Quit trying so hard. When you love yourself, t will be easier to be loved by others.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Men should know to never agree with you if you say something critical about your own appearance. And you should learn to only say that kind of stuff to your girlfriends, because guys will believe you. You should want to change your appearance ONLY to please yourself, not to please another person. The reason is, once you start down that road, whatever you do will never, ever be enough to please them.

ninjacolin's avatar

Cough wait wait.. free stuff? K, look, i’m taking over for a second here. if you’re gonna be insecure and listen to what someone else says anyway, i figure it may as well be me.

dude is willing to pay for some crap for you.. that’s awesome but fake boobs are NOT attractive. girls with small breasts are way hotter in my opinion. you need to find a guy who likes small titted girls!! simple as that. And there are many of them and we’re hot stuff too!

as for the skin clearing.. i can’t imagine what that’s like that it would need surgery to resolve. but is this something you want for yourself? what kind of a solution do they have for that issue? can you explain the condition?

(again, you’re not allowed to change your boob size damnit. that’s retarded. sorry, your father has spoken! lol.. but i do think there is a sort of cosmetic treatment that can be socially helpful to a person.. but surgery always seems too excessive..)

chyna's avatar

And big boobs will seem pretty damn useless if you die during surgery.

vvjj's avatar

kick his ass to the curb baby – u should never have to change yourself because of a man.

kutelilkat's avatar

Oh no i just meant I have like some acne, not a lot, the thing is I have tan skin and this issue with hyperpigmentation so every little pimple or cut leaves a dark spot that takes months or years to fade away. Mostly just on my face and back. He thinks its very ugly. I could get rid of it with laser/dermabrasion/peels ect… the other thing is Im TOTAL flat… he is so not attracted to flat women. He told me that finding a guy who loves my appearance is going to be really hard…

kutelilkat's avatar

oh he also says that he probably wouldnt even like how fake boobs feel but he is so into boobs so i guess I’d need them to look HOT to him…. ughhh i wish he thought I looked good… oh well. I’ll try hard and find something that does think I’m beautiful. But first I need to think I am already

aprilsimnel's avatar

He told me that finding a guy who loves my appearance is going to be really hard…

@kutelilkat – Right, ‘cause Mr. Man there knows all about it. Sheesh! F@ck him. What. A. Liar. Yes, he is lying. Take him to the nearest curb. Kick him. Leave him there and walk away. Leave everything he ever said about you and your body there with him. It pisses me off when people say things like that to each other.

kutelilkat's avatar

I know he’s going to tell me that he just has some problem with wanting women too much and that he’ll change… or that he just needs time, or needs to learn about relationships more…

I just don’t understand him. I think I’m trying to hard to make this work. I’m so drained; it’s over. I’ll let him learn it all on his own because I cant go through this anymore.

resmc's avatar

There’s plenty of guys who like, or even prefer smaller breasts, actually. Sure, it’s not something to fault him for for not being one of those guys – but taking you to the point where you were considering drastic, painful self-modification you otherwise wouldn’t have? There’s something wrong with that.

Am sorry you’re dealing with this situation. Would a hug be of any use?

Also, it may be borderline emotionally abusiveish to be trying to convince you that other guys wouldn’t want you. Imho, it is borderline, at least. And props to you for recognizing there’s some big problems there, most of which aren’t of your doing – not everyone would admit the same, especially not enough to articulate publicly.

kutelilkat's avatar

:) lol Aww, Yes I need a hug, thanks ;)

All the info really has helped me.

alive's avatar

a friend of mine was in a very similar situation. her boyfriend told her that he could see himself falling in love with her if she just wore mini skirts more often and cleared up her acne. obviously this is a ridiculous statement. and it made my friend feel horrible about herself and she was in love with him.

she finally broke up with him and now she is a much much much happier person!

she is an amazing person but she let this a-hole’s perception of [fake] beauty dictate her actions and make her feel like shit (she did try wearing more mini skirts and tried to clear up her skin).

it is a horrible situation to be in, but you can fix it by dumping the guy! dooooo ittttt!

May2689's avatar

Hes just laying out all the information on why you should dump him and you are just standing there… analyzing the information!!!!!!!! dump him already!!!!!!

qashqai's avatar

Hey, is there anyone out there to defend the poor guy obsessed with curves and big boobs?

basp's avatar

If he likes big boobs so much, he should have the operation himself.

Dr_C's avatar

there’s nothing wrong with liking curves and big boobs.. as long as you don’t try to force the issue

kutelilkat's avatar

I should also add that he says I can stay the way I am and he would want to stay with me…but that he wouldn’t think I was beautiful/sexy/really attractive, like all the other women he likes…

oh yeah, like I’m going to be happy with that?! uhh no. I don’t want a constant reminder that I’m not good looking to my man.

Sometimes I feel shallow; like “ok he wants to stay with me even though he’s not very attracted to me because he likes me on the inside”... but then that isn’t enough for me. I feel ugly because of it.

kutelilkat's avatar

he doesn’t like BIG boobs actually. He just says I really need to have average size (I have none now) to be good looking/turn him on.

kutelilkat's avatar

but yeah lol he should have the surgery himself haha

Honestly, I do want some tiny cute lil boobs (NO IMPLANTS; probably if I gained weight, i’m super skinny, I think that’s why I have none) , but that wouldn’t be enough for him, so I need to find a guy who does find me attractive the way I am.

basp's avatar

If I were you I’d dump this loser. Life us too short and he it too selfcentered.
There is someone out there that will appreciate and love you just the way you are.

qashqai's avatar

You don’t want a constant reminder that you are not good looking to your man.
He constantly reminds you you are not good looking to his eyes.


Dump him, and move along!

I have been always good at math

kutelilkat's avatar

;) thanks guys


LOL yeah your good at math.

kutelilkat's avatar

the more I think about it the weirder he seems…

When I was considering changing physically to be how he wants, I asked him what are the MAIN problems with my appearance that if fixed would be enough.

one thing he said was: the pores on my face are too big ! LOL omg…

How weird because they are total normal and not even big !! ... and why the hell is that a main issue even if they were?!

Like big pores would change the fact that someones facial features are attractive…
I don’t think so. Maybe he just has this weird idea of beauty and I can’t be it.

resmc's avatar

@kutelilkat Sounds like he’s more attached to the impossible notions of beauty our media has, and which, tho many like the images projected, most know they’re just pixels, and real people look… well, like real people. Most guys i’ve talked to about it seem to understand that, & accept (or, less commonly even embrace) it.

You’re much better than ‘his’ image-woman he’d like to photoshop. At the very least, it’d be better if he had someone who somehow wouldn’t be harmed for playing that role for him, tho personally, no one should be another’s toy.

kutelilkat's avatar

I was thinking the same thing resmc

All he does it watch tv pretty much. I think it has affected him, but he doesn’t believe me. When we were talking about the pores issue, he said “well its just all the women i see on tv have such smooth pore less skin… and yours is not like that, your skins not even and i can see the pores” ... OMG!

thanks…Ah guys! this has totally helped me, really.

resmc's avatar

Wow. Kinda scary his perception may’ve been so altered by the tv, he doesn’t even realize it… like, do similar (if not as extreme) things apply to us, & we don’t even know? heh.

It may do him some good to show him those before-after images of models who were photoshopped (which is all of ‘em, basically), though that probably won’t change his odd notions unless he’s really motivated. Maybe eventually reality will soak in, but don’t wait around for that.

We’ll be here, in case it’s hard. :-) Even when it should be glaringly obvious someone’s been a jerk (to others, at least), it can be like that.

chyna's avatar

So after the boobs what? Lips, butt, cheek implants and then he says “you aren’t the person you used to be, I don’t love you anymore”? You may want to re-think the relationsip.

ronski's avatar

So, I imagine that when he first met you, he was into you. He got you to care about him, and now he just is emotionally abusive to you, now that you care about him.

Do yourself a favor, get out of the relationship. It may be hard to find a good man, but this guy isn’t a good guy. He isn’t even a man. A real man would never treat another person like this. He will be old and lonely if he doesn’t change.

On the other hand, I doubt anything about you is too wrong. I have acne and I think I’m still attractive. I have a boyfriend who loves me.

And if you want to improve your skin for yourself, consider going to get light treatments, which are expensive but worth it to clear up scars. Plus, it isn’t dangerous or anything. Just go to a doctor or a skin physician. Yelp it. Find yourself, who are you? Don’t listen to this jerk.

Gosh, I hate him for you.

lakersfuture's avatar

I haven’t read the other comments but I don’t think that you should have to change the way you look just to please him!!! He fell in love with you for who you are but now all he wants is an image of what someone looks like!!! This isn’t to be mean at all but in experience when you date someone who hasn’t had a relationship with someone before they get curious and want to experiment!!! I mean I don’t know the situation but if looks is what is holding you back then I don’t know if it is love… you love him for who he is and ALL of who he is!!! If he loves you he wouldn’t want you to change!!! After you go that far with changing your appearance, what else is he going to want you to do!?!?

lostinwoods's avatar

two words lol. MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is like the horrible guy to be in love with. being in love is, having the lover love what you love. if you don’t love yourself than he cant’ love you. first never get plastic surgeries… its retarded. natural beauties is what its all about!. a guy should love you no matter what you look like. inner beauty my dear!!!! that guy is an ass. and this is why good guys like us get blame for! slap him for me wat a douch

kutelilkat's avatar

ahh more great advice ;) thanks all

alive's avatar

@kutelilkat so have you told him to fuck off yet? are you broken up? what’s the update from when you first asked this question?

kutelilkat's avatar

Thanks for asking…I was going to updated soon. Well, so far I told him that we can still be friends but that I’m meeting new people now. (I hardly see him anymore and I have been going out with friends and talking to a few new guys now. I’m not looking to find a new guy right now but talking to them reassures me that I can find better and it distract me from him) I told him that I’m always getting upset and I’m unhappy often so obviously things are not right between us. Now he is scared of loosing me! he is trying so hard to please me! But its too late now! U guys I’m not going to lie; I’ve still been intimate with him a few times. It’s hard not to.

I’ve decided I will just focus on improving my self esteem and myself before getting into another relationship.

kutelilkat's avatar

I’m trying to be strong and I really do think I can continue being friends with him. He is a good friend.

basp's avatar

Sounds like you have made a very mature decision. I’m glad you are distancing yourself from him and taking your time before additional emotional investment.
Good for you!!

kutelilkat's avatar

Aw thanks ! ;)

amberrae's avatar

As much as Im sure you care about him, he sounds like a very immature person. You need someone to tell you how beautiful you are, and after that long together he should know that you are also beautiful on the inside… which matters more than whats on the outside! Its time you move on and find someone worthy of all you have to offer!

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