General Question

glassglitterandbeads's avatar

I'm out of town right now, and my husband has been regailing me with stories of taking this girl from school all over the place. What should I think?

Asked by glassglitterandbeads (207points) March 26th, 2009

I’ve been out of town for a few weeks, and my husband who is usually a quiet ‘gamer’ kind of person and goes to school then to his game store, has suddenly started to do things with a classmate. I know her, and he tells me about it, but it’s strange things that he would never ask me to do, like drive 3 hours 1 way to go SALSA dancing! I would love to do that, but he would laugh at the idea if I brought it up; the last time they went they got home at 6am. He also said he was at her house and now he knows what a ‘real house’ should look like… (We are both artists, and don’t pay alot of attention to the details of the domestic chores.) I was furious, and finally let him know, and he can’t understand why I’m upset. Does anyone have any insight into this??

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38 Answers

kenmc's avatar

You’re right to be worried, but I would wait for further evidence to be truly suspicious.

kevbo's avatar

My first response:

Send him this link.

Dude, you are a total fucking moron. Wise up.

My second response:

I think the fact that he’s having more social fun without you than with you is something to think about. Either he’s just graduated into a new phase of his life (i.e. he’s just now becoming a more social person) or the energy between the two of you isn’t good. I’d be more concerned about that then about his stories. And, the fact that he’s telling you is a good sign (unless he’s just being a dick). What he’s doing is sharing the details of his day with you. Imagine what it would mean if he wasn’t telling you.

Also, some chick is trying to play your man for attention.

RedPowerLady's avatar

I would tell your husband you are uncomfortable with this. Even if your husband has honest motives it is very likely that this woman does not. He may just be excited about being out and about especially since he is normally a homebody. In fact I think that is the case since he is telling you about it. Plan some activities with him and use up some of his time. Let him enjoy his time with you. And then explain to him that this chic may have bad motives and it makes you uncomfortable. Open communication is always healthy in any relationship. But don’t accuse him. Just say you don’t trust her motives.

Amoebic's avatar

Trust your gut on this one.

@boots: Further evidence? I think there’s enough evidence here that the wife is concerned about the relationship and may want to sit down and talk with the guy about it.

And I agree wholly with Kevbo; some chick is trying to play her man.

asmonet's avatar

Listen to Kevbo.

MacBean's avatar

My first reaction is that he misses you and wants you to be jealous that there are fun things going on at home, so maybe you’ll hurry back.

kevbo's avatar

^He ain’t that smart. None of us are.^

RedPowerLady's avatar

@kevbo I agree with your response. Very well worded. He is excited about being social and she is trying to get the man. And it’s definitely a positive he is sharing his excitement.

kenmc's avatar

@Amoebic I was talking about actual evidence of infidelity. There’s no point in getting totally crazy about it unless you’re totally right to get crazy about it.

casheroo's avatar

That is most definitely NOT appropriate.
It’s one thing to have friendships outside the marriage, but if it others a spouse then there’s an issue. You need to let him know that it’s upsetting you.
I’m not sure why he’s doing it. Some people, men and women, like to act out even while married. I’ve noticed this happens, and I think it’s not that he’s cheating, but needs to be his own person. That’s just a guess.

Amoebic's avatar

@boots…do you mean like wait until after there’s sufficient evidence of actual cheating?

I knew what you were referring to, but I disagree with waiting that long to address the situation.

I believe cheating is often triggered by problems someone may have with the relationship. If this man is seeking out the company of another woman that isn’t his wife and making comparisons between them (just one of many, many red flags I got here) then I think it would be a good thing to address the issue before things escalate to cheating.

And I’m not sure what you mean by “getting all crazy.” Sitting down with your partner and discussing your relationship problems?

glassglitterandbeads's avatar

@MacBean thanks for the input, but missing me is one thing, showing me he can have fun doing things I would love to do with another woman isn’t really the kind of incentive I would expect from someone who loves me and misses me that much…

MacBean's avatar

@glassglitterandbeads Then you have more faith in people than I do. People are petty and I’ve had a few use that exact method on me.

glassglitterandbeads's avatar

@Amoebic… I did address it, and he was very offended that I was even bothered by it, or that I could be jealous of HER… I told him I wasn’t specifically jealous of her, I was jealous that he spent that kind of time and thought on her and not me. But yea, all the time and talk about her was bothering me too. He got very angry about it. I don’t get that.

kevbo's avatar

I know I basically said this already via PM, but you snapped at him for sharing something with you. That’s why he’s upset. He thought he was being good, and you told him (or he’s hearing from you that) he was being bad. Now he’s confused, hurt, and doesn’t know what the hell to say to you, because “being good” made you upset. It’s really that simple. So now (in his mind) his choices are to apologize all over himself or blow you off and he loses either way. He’s probably the apologizing type, but he really doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for other than trying to “be good” and somehow still making you mad.

You need to treat this like he really is a bumbling idiot and doesn’t understand the dynamic at play. Make a note that this upsets you and use your feelings as motivation to work at fixing the root problem.

Also, consider buying him this book. Obviously, it’s meant for the dating scene, but it’s still excellent material for getting a clueless guy to better understand women. You might want to read this one.

Amoebic's avatar

@glassglitterandbeads I’m sorry, my second comment was all to boots regarding his reasoning, not specifically to your situation, as you’d already mentioned that aspect. I didn’t mean to imply that was directed at you. I worded that badly, my apologies. I forgot to do the tiny text thing. I’m learning.

I think it’s pretty unreasonable for him to get very angry regarding your concerns. Would he act as calmly as he expects you to be if the tables were turned?

glassglitterandbeads's avatar

@kevbo…Interesting outlook, but I think you may have some personal stake in this one. My situation is nothing like this at all. First of all, I AM the hurt one. He knows fully well what he is doing, and he is not the apologizing type, he certainly doesn’t see me as a ‘mommy’ figure he is trying to please. He is a full blow narcissist that has not worked in over a year because he didn’t want to, he wanted to hang out with his friends. He started school so he could try something new at 32, already with a 5 year specialized chemistry degree in hand, but has left me holding the bag financially on disability and running a small business to try to keep our house.

Now that we are facing foreclosure, I have BEGGED him to work a job to help keep our home, and it has been a nightmare for him to do anything toward the household. this is not new, and why I am stil there I suppose warrants the question of stupidity on my part.

So no, he isn’t confused. He is just happy as a clam that I’m not there to remind him that he needs to make a deposit in the bank, which he hasn’t done since I left. Probably why he is able to take his little out of towners. Meanwhile the bills are not paid. But, is that all in the MANual?? Is that how a man is supposed to behave and I am just supposed to say nothing and be okay with it and not upset him?

If that is the case, I see a strong case for lesbianism.

glassglitterandbeads's avatar

@Amoebic , I understood, thanks!

kevbo's avatar

Oh, okay. Yeah, I read that wrong then. I had a different sense based on his gaming habits and your private comment (which to be fair doesn’t indicate at all what you’re now saying). Obviously, you are dealing with something else entirely.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@glassglitterandbeads, it sounds like infatuation. He’s met someone that’s different from him, who’s taken time with him, and it makes him feel different. In the meantime, perhaps she sees this artistic, off-beat guy whose “wife’s no fun” and she’s chasing that. She doesn’t see the “squander the money, take no ownership” side of him. Or she thinks it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t sound like you married a man; you married a boy, who has no intention of being an adult.

Aethelwine's avatar

@glassglitterandbeads Usually when one gets defensive when confronted with an issue, it means that they are guilty. I know this from experience. I hope this is not the case for you. I wish the best for you and hope that it can be worked out.

ubersiren's avatar

Whatever he feels for this person, it’s interfering with your relationship. If he’s out all night, driving to great distances to be with this person… even if it was a male friend, I’d say it was a problem. But since it is another woman, I’d be very concerned. I would be Pissed (capital P intended) if my husband did that shit.

Your salsa dancing situation especially unnerved me. If he’s doing something with this girl that you feel he’d be uncomfortable doing with you, that’s weird and wrong.

It all seems very fishy to me, girl! Good luck to you. And don’t take any bullshit. Balls out!

basp's avatar

I agree with ubersiren on this one.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck….
The man a 32years old… He knows exactly what he is doing and why it is inappropriate.
He needs to grow up and you need to draw a line and stand by it.

VS's avatar

I was totally fine with this story and thinking what a nice guy your husband must be right up until the SALSA dancing and he stayed at her house until 6 a.m. That put it over the line of acceptable in my book. If my man went SALSA dancing without me, and stayed at a strange woman’s house until 6 a.m., he better have a damn good back-up plan because the do-do will hit the proverbial fan. He might think he is being slick telling you about it so everything seems above-board and like he is not trying to hide any wrong-doing. Well, guess what? Staying out with another woman when your wife is out of town is wrong, whether any dancing besides SALSA went on or not. Stand your ground and explain how you feel and why you think he should not do this.

wundayatta's avatar

Why would he tell you he was doing this, if he was doing anything to threaten your relationship? I think he’s showing that he trusts you, and that he can tell you these things, and know it’s just being friends, except the friend happens to be a woman. I’d believe him that he would never get involved with this woman, although, if you suggest it, he might start to look at things with new eyes.

Look, you’ve been away a long time, and he needs company. Sometimes you do one thing with one person, but not with another. All latin dances have a heightened element of sexual tension. It’s easier to play with that tension with someone you don’t know intimately. But that doesn’t mean you want to go to bed with her. It’s flirting, for God’s sake!

And I’ll bet he’ll take you, too, if you ask. Although, three hours? That’s a bit of a haul. Do you live in Montana?


ubersiren's avatar

You know, after reading some more responses, I would ask, “Why is he telling me this?” It could be that he doesn’t feel he’s doing anything wrong so he has nothing to hide. However, it could also be that he’s trying to sabotage your relationship. Have you been having other problems? You don’t have to answer that, of course, but it’s something to think about. Just remember that men are often stupid creatures (as women are stupid about certain things) and that he may need you to spell everything out for him. You may have to lock his nuts in a vice to let him know how serious you are. You are a victim, but don’t act like it. Show ‘em who’s boss.

wundayatta's avatar

@ubersiren: Just remember that men are often stupid creatures…

I resemble that remark!

cak's avatar

I keep getting this feeling, he is very immature. Not working for a year, just because he didn’t want to work? sounds like a teenager! You say he is narcissistic, I’m wondering where you fit into his “all about me” stance. He didn’t care enough to help, financially, and now you are losing you home. I’m very sorry you are in that situation. He has a total lack of respect for you. You are on disability and trying to run a business and he’s goofing off. Seems to me, he has zero personal or emotional attachment to your house, as well as your marriage. To not make a deposit, that is just lazy. I have the same feeling you do, he’s using it on all of those outings!

The Salsa trip was bad enough, but being out, with another woman until 6am? What is the world for his explanation for that event? It would have burned my butt to no end, had he compared your house to the other woman’s house and declared her house _what a real house should look like.— He could get off his butt and do some work!

Thing is, he has everything that way he wants it to be. You handle the burden of being the responsible adult, he gets all the playtime he desires. It’s time for playtime to be over and it’s time for him to participate in your marriage or move on. You deserve better than this.

Also, I firmly believe that yes, there is much more to his story. If he had said he only had a lunch with her, okay – but going all over town and out of town with her, something isn’t right.

xenializ's avatar

this is a bad, bad sign. I am an artist and pretty liberal-minded, but when it comes to relationships, it’s a matter of respect. It’s one thing for a guy to have a conversation with another woman about/during class—but absolutely no way should he be doing anything more personal than that with another woman out of respect for you.

He wants you to feel like it’s your fault for being upset about it so that he won’t have to feel guilty.

Do not put up with it. You are worth more than that.

xenializ's avatar

Here’s a link you might be interested in. After I answered I went back and read more, including the part about not working, having you take care of everything financially, etc. I have experience with someone like this. Very similar stories. They will put everything on you. Of course I don’t know your real story. Before I experienced something like this first hand, I would’ve been much more forgiving and tried to see myself as a “liberal” wife. It made me crazy. I thought I was the one at fault all the time for questioning things that really should have been questioned (coming home at 6 am with another woman talking about how they’d been out drinking all night). And it was my fault for asking! And taking out a loan to pay his bills.

Really, you deserve much, much more respect.

Turtle's avatar

Alot of people are saying that since he is telling you what he is doing means that nothing is going on. I wouldn’t take that as gospel.
From experience I know of a guy who openly told his wife everything he did with another girl all the while falling in love with her. He refused to give her up as a friend aswell. He wasn’t happy though and the marriage ended. He intended to be with the new girl but said it wasn’t the reason for leaving the wife, it was issues they had already.

You could try couple counselling if you wish to save the marriage. You should definitely seek private counselling to work out what you want to do concerning the other issues and if you should be in a relationship at all.

cak's avatar

@Turtle77 – I agree. Great answer. Just because he’s sharing the information, doesn’t mean nothing is going on.

mammal's avatar

sounds like he needs a wake up call, strike out yourself, it’s easy having no strings attached fun then come home to a ready made less romantic domestic scenario. Sounds like he’s enjoying his cake.

glassglitterandbeads's avatar

Thanks everyone for your help. I’m home now, and he has a new address… I decided not to put up with the crap anymore. I appreciate everyones input while I was away and dealing with this!

cak's avatar

@glassglitterandbeads – Good luck in your future. I’m sorry this is how this worked out, but it’s very important to really look out for yourself. I wish you nothing but the best.

ShanEnri's avatar

Definately talk to him about it. Express you worries. He may not even realize how it looks to you or others. My hubby did this once with a woman we were both friends with. She was single at the time. She would (mysteriously) show up when I was gone and he would invite her in to talk. I trust my hubby implicitly, so I knew he was innocent. I did tell him I was uncomfortable with this situation and he told her to wait to come around when I was home!

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