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rodf's avatar

How do i ask a family member to leave my house? my nephew is living with me and has been for 5 months, initially for a couple of weeks but it has turned into a long time. ii dont want to hurt any feelings but i want my place back!

Asked by rodf (8points) March 31st, 2009

my nephew is living with me and has been for 5 months, initially for a couple of weeks but it has turned into a long time. ii dont want to hurt any feelings but i want my place back!

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9 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

Does he have a job? Why is he still there? Does he want to be there?

If he is broke he might not have an option. I found myself in a place in my sisters garage in 2001. I was broke. I didn’t have the money for the bus to go job hunting. My hair was a mess, and all my clothes were crap. It was just really hard to find the motivation to go job hunting when I looked like shit, and I felt like shit too. I didn’t even have the money to print out a Resume at Kinkos.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

What were the original circumstances under which he came to be living with you? How old is he?

jrpowell's avatar

And is he willing to help around the house?

I’m 31 and live with my sister again. She has three kids and is going to school full time. I make sure the the house is clean before dinner. And I babysit whenever she wants if I am not doing anything. For this I get free rent and food..

If he isn’t willing to help out I would be pissed.

Lupin's avatar

I assume he is out of work with no place to go and his parents can’t or won’t help him.
He stays up late, surfs the net and does nothinng around the house.
Offer to help him find a job. Be real “up” about it. “Good morning Paul! Hey did you see the 6 ads I sent you from Monster last night! Do you like ad #3? Here’s help with your resume!. Tonight let’s work on your resume! I’m great at writing them!” .
At 7:30 this Saturday say “Good morning Paul! I’m going to do some gardening this morning and really need help with the soil for the delphiniums. Can you please come out and meet me in about 1/2 hour?” Then pound on the door at 8:00. You get up at 7:30— so should he. Stoned or not. Keep at it. “Don’t you love spring!? There is so much to do outside!” Bang on the door at 7:00. “Paul, I’m making breakfast before we go out to plant the cucumbers! Would you like some?”
Yes. It is work for you, but it will go one of two ways: 1) He is a worthless turd and will leave because he can’t stand the sweetness or 2) He will get a job and help you around the house. Either way you win, and the decision was his. (Or so he thinks)
Whatever you do – don’t sulk or feel guilty! It is your house!
Good luck.
Now you know where the expression: “No good deed goes unpunished.” comes from.

ru2bz46's avatar

@Lupin took my mantra: “No good deed goes unpunished”. After letting several people stay with me “until they got back on their feet”, it became necessary to rethink my behavior.

Yes, it was a pain in the butt when people overstayed their welcome, but it also brought me joy to know that I was able to help when somebody needed it. With a little thought about where they were coming from, in almost every case I could see that they were not happy about their situation that landed them in a bedroom of my house. It always takes longer that you first think it will (just like any home improvement project).

It may help to revisit your reasons for helping:
*Were you looking for a reward of some kind, like rent money?
*Were you wanting to lend a hand, but only so long as it didn’t inconvenience you?
*Were you doing it out of a feeling of obligation (family ties)?

I’ve found that if I put any limits on what I was willing to give, I lost the reward of feeling good about helping. Once I lifted those limits, I was rewarded with the knowledge that I gave someone new hope.

I’ve been lucky that nobody has trashed the place during their stay. If that were to happen, they’d be out. If you find yourself in an undesirable position, and you are unwilling to make the sacrifice to change the situation (like tossing your nephew out on his ass), then change your attitude about it.

Also, if you do something like this again (trust me, you will), go into it knowing that you will be inconvenienced more than you planned for longer than you planned, and you will get nothing for your trouble. Your generosity will be rewarded eventually, and it will come as a surprise.

jca's avatar

i would give him a deadline – something reasonable like two months. that will give him enough time to get a job, if necessary, if he doesn’t already have one, and save up. that’s a good amount of time for him not to be resentful but yet enough time for him to be prepared and not just thrown out on the street.

VS's avatar

@jca – My deadline would be 30 days just like he’d get if he was being evicted. That way, when he doesn’t move in 30 days, you can visit the local magistrate and have him evicted in the next 30 days. I know you probably don’t want to throw your nephew out on the street but five months is long enough to get back “on your feet” unless you are sitting “on your ass” all day. Even LaborFinders could put him to work long enough to get a few bucks in his pocket to find another living situation. I think you have been much more than patient and generous in allowing him to stay as long as you have.

slbozzo's avatar

Our daughter, her husband, and their three kids moved in with us approx 3 years ago due to a job loss. At this point they now both have jobs, still not up to their last income level, and they are paying for the utilities in the house and their food. Its time for them to leave and we are seeking the best way to approach this topic and wanting this not to end badly. Please help with your best advice.

jca's avatar

@slbozzo: I suggest you post this as a new question and then everyone will read it and answer.

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