General Question

qualitycontrol's avatar

How can I open the lines of communication between my girlfriend and I?

Asked by qualitycontrol (2570points) April 7th, 2009

When I know something is wrong with my gf I ask her and she just replies “nothing” and refuses to talk about it…Why are girls like this?

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26 Answers

Les's avatar

Because we’re insane and all guys don’t understand us. Jeez. If you don’t know what’s bothering us, why should we tell you. You should just know. ~

Mr_M's avatar

Well, in my experience, the ONLY time a girl does this is when the problem is something absolutely STUPID that I myself did. If the shoe fits…..

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

it’s really annoying when they do that crap. we both know something’s wrong, she knows that I know, so what’s the point of being childish?

Response moderated
qualitycontrol's avatar

It usually seems to be something I unknowingly did wrong that I am supposed to know I offended her or made her upset in some way but through my eyes I think everything is cool. So instead of expressing it or telling me I just get nothing is wrong and the silent treatment. This is so dumb. If girls try to be in control by doing this it’s really immature. How do I counteract it? I usually try to play it off like it doesn’t bother me.

dynamicduo's avatar

I have no clue. As a girl, I don’t act like that. But I’m also wise enough to know that it’s better in many ways to express one’s thoughts instead of holding them back, especially when talking to one’s partner, as holding back and saying “nothing” takes no steps towards resolving the situation and coming out stronger and wiser.

psyla's avatar

Control using guilt. Dump her & find a less sadistic gf.

qualitycontrol's avatar

It almost seems like she tries to get back at me by doing subtle things like not giving a kiss goodbye or just acting cold towards me. I mean it’s obvious when something is wrong because I know her so well so why wouldn’t she just say look this is what’s wrong and this is how you made me feel when you did this. Then I can explain and/or apologize to make things better. When this has happened before I just get upset, we get in a fight and don’t talk for a a few days and then the truth finally comes out—from her. How can I get her to communicate better with words?

Les's avatar

I’m going to seriously respond now. The first lesson you must learn is that not all girls do this. I won’t say anything further with regards to that, just be careful about your generalizations.
As a girl, I hate it when someone (it doesn’t matter if its a boyfriend, a girl friend or my mom) badgers me about “What’s wrong?” Have you ever not wanted to talk about something? Well, surprise! Girls get like that, too. I’m not saying this is the case all the time, but it happens. Sometimes we just feel like brooding on our own feelings for a while.

Your most recent response, however, makes her appear to be one of those annoying girls I described above. If you don’t like it, and are sick of it, talk to her about it. If she doesn’t change, maybe its time for you to make a change.

allen_o's avatar

Listen to psyla

EmpressPixie's avatar

I’m a lady and I often answer “nothing” when something is wrong. The reason I do it is, for whatever reason, I don’t want to talk about it with you. Either that or something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is. I’m just down in the dumps for some reason. If I know why I’m upset, I sometimes don’t want to talk to my boyfriend about it because I feel stupid for being upset.

Like, when we were first dating, my boyfriend canceled a lot of our dates basically at the last minute. It really upset me but I didn’t want to complain to him because he was only canceling when he was sick. He was holding out to the last minute because he really liked me and wanted to go on the date, but I felt like he wasn’t being respectful by canceling every 4th date when we were supposed to meet. I felt silly getting upset about it because it’s not like I would have been doing anything anyway (no, really, it’s not) and the reason he was doing it so late was really a great reason. But it still really upset me and I felt silly about that. So I didn’t want to talk to him about it. And yes, it eventually caused a minor explosion on my part.

So I guess my story is really to say that there may be more to it than just being upset. It’s a complex issue when it comes to emotions. I couldn’t just talk about it because I wasn’t just upset—I was embarrassed I was upset. She might not just be upset. There might be more to it.

qualitycontrol's avatar

@Les so are you saying it would be better to disregard her actions and just leave her alone even when I know something is bothering her and she is mad at me for a specific reason?

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

I think the underlying notion here is it’s remarkably difficult to actually do what a woman wants.

dynamicduo's avatar

I think this is a big sign that your girlfriend is not as mature as you’d appreciate. I’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do in this situation to change her, other than tell her you’re tired of that behaviour and if she’s serious about the relationship or even cares about you a bit, she wouldn’t be doing dinky things like this. You are free to express your concerns about the relationship to her, of course if she’s the person I imagine her to be, she may take this as you trying to break up with her or become really mad at you, thus making problems worse…

I think your best move from here on out depends as to what outcome you desire in your relationship.

Likeradar's avatar

Sometimes girls (well, maybe it’s just me) know we’re reacting overly emotionally to a situation and need time to get over our initial response and really think about a problem. When I say “nothing,” what I really mean is “something is bothering me but I think I’m going to sound nuts-o if I talk about it right now, so I’m going to give it some time and see how big a deal it really is, and how I really feel about it after it has time to go through the filter”.

Les's avatar

@qualitycontrol : I don’t know how she would respond, but yeah. Kind of. EmpressPixie said it best: it very well could just be that she doesn’t want to talk about it, or she is just upset for various reasons. The next time it happens, and she says “nothing”, accept that as the answer, and move on. You’ll know pretty fast if that was the right way to go. And if she gets even more angry with you, then I think you have your answer. “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”

@Aboy named… : Your comments are the perfect example of why I’m enjoying being single right now. Sheesh. Lighten up a little.

Bagardbilla's avatar

Many good guesses here, probably a few good suggestions as well…
However, at the end of the day it’s all speculation on all our parts!
You obviously care for her, that’s why you’re making an effort to figure this out.
My suggestion is to sit with her (once this current issue is past) and TALK to her.
Tell her you love her, you care about her, and you want to deepen your affection/relationship with her, and it cannot happen with this lingering issues between you two. All relationships have them and all parties are guilty, but they cannot be resolved without communicating!
—and in case you have not been attentive in listening to her, tell her you are now ready.—
I suspect she’s really the one (at fault here, if you can call it that), but if you care about her, take the blame, she’ll realize it in the long run…
It doesn’t matter who’s right/wrong, so long as the issue is resolved and you two can move onto your next hurdle. ;)

qualitycontrol's avatar

A few of my friends have told me she is very immature. However sometimes she will be receptive and open and at other times like a closed shell. Is this just a bad match-up or will she grow and learn in time how to communicate with me? The reason I ask her what’s wrong is because I always feel it’s something I did wrong and since it’s my fault I have to make it right. Sometimes she will do this to let me know she’s mad at me. Like turn her head away when I go to kiss her but not in a joking manner. She knows it will drive me crazy so she does it to like torture me because she feels upset about something. And of course the whole time she will say that nothing is wrong. The day this happened I saw later on my phone that a call was made to a friend that’s a girl from my phone…but it wasn’t me who made the call. She had questioned me about this girl and asked if she been calling me and I just told her yea sometimes we talk on the phone.

qualitycontrol's avatar

@bagardbilla…yes we have been together almost 9 months now and have had countless stupid fights like this…always because of poor communication…she refuses to verbalize her issues and I don’t know why. She’s much more verbal and open now than when we started dating but now that we’re closer it’s like I have to fight to get her to talk about deeper feelings.

dynamicduo's avatar

There’s no way to know for sure. In general, I don’t recommend being with someone because they “may” turn out better later on in life, cause the chances of that happening are unknown and that’s leaving you in an unfair position.

If she purposely does something that she knows drives you crazy, and you’ve told her that you don’t appreciate it yet she continues, I would say that’s a huge sign that she doesn’t really care for you truly, or that she values her own amusement over the wellbeing of her partner. It also demonstrates some disrespect, as she thinks she is OK in playing around with you like that. I would not continue in a relationship with someone who did not respect me.

She’s toying around with you…. do you want that to happen? Or do you want to be with someone who respects you and strives to make the time you spend together fun and enjoyable for both people?

Bagardbilla's avatar

What dynamicduo said… !
In the end it’s your call…
I don’t see anything wrong with helping your partner grow (especially when you have an oppertunity to grow in concert together).
But as dynamic said, if you two are not getting anywhere… life’s too short Brother!

qualitycontrol's avatar

No I do not want her to toy with me. Most of our time spent together is enjoyable and fun but then we have times where she just makes it a point to make me feel bad. I don’t understand why we just can’t talk about it. Then she will make it seem like I’m the crazy one because I want to give her a kiss before she leaves. So eventually I get her to give me a kiss and she says “can I go now” what kind of thing is that to say to your partner? But I do love her and care about her and believe she cares about me but some days I feel like I could die and she wouldn’t even care.

cheebdragon's avatar

Women are evil bitches at heart.

qualitycontrol's avatar

Not all women just the girls I date lol

cheebdragon's avatar

No, Its all women, trust me….

wundayatta's avatar

I think that the history of the relationship is very important in this type of thing. Shortly after the beginning of my relationship with my now wife, she started behaving in a similar way. Every time she got upset, I’d ask her what was wrong, assuming it was something I did. She wouldn’t say anything, which I took as refusing to say something, meaning she was really mad at me. I’d feel worse and worse.

After a while, we figured out what was going on. She didn’t feel like talking at the time; she only felt like feeling. And most of the time, she couldn’t even articulate why she was behaving that way. But my pressure on her didn’t stop, and it got so bad, that she refused to feel things in front of me, and of course, that lead to more serious problems. Eventually, in therapy, we sorted this out, and now she will feel in front of me if I will just hold her, and not worry about trying to fix things.

The other thing I had to learn was that it’s generally not about me. “Is she mad at me?” I’d always be asking myself when she was upset. I’d feel like I was responsible for her every mood. It’s a horrible thing to be responsible for someone that way, and not be able to do anything about it. I had to learn that “it’s not about me.” It’s not about me. She is her own person, and I shouldn’t have the hubris to think I am the source of all her problems, nor the audacity to believe that I can fix them all.

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