How do you, if at all, avoid others placing their gender norms on your children?

I would support my future-children in whatever they choose to do, but I hope that my sons are very masculine and my daughters are very feminine…. you know, the football player son and the cheerleader daughter. I hope my daughter doesn’t want to play sports and my son isn’t artsy. But like I said, it’s their choice.

Oh, and I wouldn’t hesitate to just tell other parents flat out that I have a problem with they way they interact with my kids. It’s up to you as a parent to protect them, so who else is going to do it?

@BBSDTfamily
if you don’t mind me asking, why the hope?

You don’t. We are all individuals, and we will act accordingly. You will have a long-haired son, and people will either accept it or not. You made your choice, and they made their’s.

My daughter has a traditional “boy” name.” It always cracks me up when people ask if we thought we were having a boy. My standard reply is something to the effect of, “When she came out did you think I didn’t know the difference?” Gender norms are just there, and always will be. My girl, even with a boy’s name, played with dolls and my boys still make guns out of half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I do raise them differently, different standards apply, it’s life.

@ru2bz46
oh no, I was asking about you, not myself
as in how do YOU, if at all, avoid this?

@gimmedat
I wish there weren’t different standards

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I don’t. You are all individuals, and you will act accordingly. I will have a long-haired son, and people will either accept it or not. I made my choice, and they made their’s.

i believe that your child is yours to do with what you want until they can tell you they want something else. the more parents who start behaving this way, the more normal it will become.

it’s a matter switching society’s beliefs from: “boy kids are usually dressed one certain way” to “boy kids are usually dressed in all sorts of ways”

they only way we can switch from one belief to the next is if some parents take a few risks and pioneer the idea so that it becomes the norm for there to be no norm after a few generations.

@ninjacolin
I agree, but at the same time I always think ‘is it my place to do this to them?’
but then I remember that those other normative parents have no problem with putting their kids in limiting boxes so why not take mine out of them

zactly. either way you’re doing something.
may as well do what you want.

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”—Mahatma Gandhi

@ru2bz46
excellent quote and I do live my life this way
but my kids are not my accessories, I can’t just place my beliefs on them until they can make their own decisions…do you see what I’m saying?

well, i think you’re wrong about that.
it’s kinda your job as parent to do what you think is best for your kids, isn’t it?
impose your art and show your way to them. let them learn it and choose against it later in life if they want to. you have to be yourself about this parenting thing.

@ninjacolin
it’s an ugly world out there, lots of close mindedness
it’s also my job to protect my kids against that
and whilst in my house, they’re safe to express themselves however they feel like it
i can’t just put a dress on my son and send him to daycare
forget the kids’ ridicule
think of the other parents

I’m not having kids, but if I did, I wouldn’t steer them in one direction or another.

@Facade
right, but you have to have A direction
as in the kids of clothes they wear, etc.

i have confidence that you won’t send your son to daycare in a dress.
the question isn’t about that. the question is about your kid’s hair.

@ninjacolin
oh but it is about that as well
the hair’s just an example
i wouldn’t care if he wears a dress, if he feels like it
but others do

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I see what you are saying, but I don’t agree. Children are the ultimate pets. But, unlike pets, there is even more they can learn. You train them to be well behaved; you play with them and teach them sharing; you introduce them to all the wonders of the world; and you help them to discover themselves through experience.

If you want them to make up their minds about what style they want for their hair, give them different styles. They’ll absorb the information and use it to make their own decisions later on. If you don’t expose them, who will? It’ll be the ones who want to place the gender norms on them. That’s not such a bad thing, but it’s the very thing you want to avoid.

how about this.. if you feel you should cut your son’s hair, cut it.
if you feel you should not cut your son’s hair, don’t.

same with permitting him to wear a dress to school.

@ru2bz46
they’re not pets to me, that’s for sure
I do agree with you (and thank you) that I can show them options

@ninjacolin
but I’m not sure about my decisions
hence the question i’m asking, lol
it’s not like this is just a question where I want to express my opinion
I am asking about what you’d do

oh. I’d cut it. i like the masculine look.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Right. I’d stick to the gender roles when it comes to clothing.
I went to a Christian school where the women were not allowed to wear pants. I think that’s extreme. I also think those people were a part f some kind of cult.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Ugh, I feel you on the long hair thing.
My son is 21 months old, and we haven’t cut his hair yet…and he’s got pretty long, “girly” hair. We get told “She’s so pretty” all the time, and my parents are constantly telling me to trim it “because he can’t see”. My child can see just fine.

The comments don’t really bother me, when people tell me “she’s so beautiful” I say “Thank you, HE is beautiful”

One thing I don’t do though, is take him out in public, with his hair done, like I do it at home. I put hair clips in it, or put it in a pony tail, to keep it out of his face. That’s mainly because my husband doesn’t wan t him out in public “looking like a girl” and I don’t want to have to deal with the looks.
It’s a shame really, because I think children shouldn’t have such restrictions. I have no problem with my child having dolls, he likes to have them to nurture babies, just as little girls like to. It’s part of learning, so we let him play with dolls because he wants to.

@casheroo
exactly
that’s exactly what I’m talking about
it’s like this: the gender binarism have people unable to think otherwise…if a boy has long hair, he has to be a girl…as if it can’t just be ‘the boy has long hair’

You know, I don’t think it ever even occured to me to raise them in traditional roles or untraditional gender roles. I’ve just been raising my children. The 15 yr old, my daughter, isn’t particularly girly – she’s a lot like I was. Athletic, into arts, into academics and just enjoys life. My son, well, he’s 6 – no defined role there, anyway. At three, he had an old purse of mine, with his tools in it. I don’t think there has been “defined” roles. We’ve just treated them as individuals, so far.

As far as other people – family – weighing in on what’s going on. It’s going to happen. You can tell everyone to butt out, but it may or may not work. Generally, the more you stress something, the more it will be pushed. Ignore. Downplay and ignore, again. Fact is, long hair doesn’t change the chromosomal makeup of your son. He’ll see have the genetics that make him a boy…plus that whole penis thing. My six year old reminds me all the time that he has one. As for your parents saying that it makes him a girl, just tell them the last time you checked, his penis was still in the right place. How can they argue with that? They can.

The length of your son’s hair short or long, isn’t going to define his gender. If you are growing his hair, for the sole reason that you just love it this way – grow it If you are doing it to prove a point, don’t use him as a platform. There are so many ways not to pigeonhole your child – you don’t have to go with the hair. If you love, great. You will have comments, and the older he gets, the more he’ll hear. It’s a great way to teach the lesson that everyone is different. The more you get upset – if you do, so will your child. Teach him to handle the question and move on.

Someone (with short hair) says, “Wow! Your hair is long for a boy!”
Teach your son, “Thank you, I like it that way. You have nice hair, too.”

No need for anything else. Teach him to disarm someone, you do the same, matter-of-fact and move on.

Do what is in your heart, do what you feel is right for your son.

@cak thank you
that is useful

@Simone_De_Beauvoir You know I come from a culture where many of the boys have long hair. And they often get “mistaken” as girls in the younger years. Most of the boys grow up LOVING their long hair. All of the boys, that I know, have ended up cutting it short at one point because of gender expectations in grade school only to decide later they want their long hair back. I’ve seen it happen that way so many times. But anyhow that’s a bit of a sidenote. These boys grow up with long hair and let me tell you they still turn out as stereotypical boys. It certainly has not defined their gender in any way at all. I think it helps that they have older men in the community they look up to with long hair. But that’s not always the case. Anyhow just my personal experience with the question. I think you should do what feels right for you. It won’t affect your son’s gender identity. And when he is old enough to do so, if he feels uncomfortable he will tell you so. And just a note to add that It really sux you have to deal with people telling you what to do with your child. You are mom, you know best.

@RedPowerLady
thats right my husband has really long hair
and no no, i dont worry abt his gender identity
and i dont particularly care for him to grow up a stereotypical boy

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – whoooo! That glass of merlot is kicking my butt!

He’ll see = He’ll still.

They can. = They can’t.

I am not looking for anymore mistakes. I’m enjoying my wine, far too much to dissect my errors! ;)

@cak lol, you’re great

Frankly, I think my kids do more gender expecting than any adults around them. Of course, I live in a community that is extremely progressive.

I don’t know which things the kids are exposed to have an impact to on them. I’m sure television does a lot of it. Peers do a big portion. Adults—probably less important that we think we are, at least, in the area of creating sexual identity.

They start with their genes, and whatever predilections the genes predispose them to. We can work our asses off to be gender neutral, but the kids pick it up no matter what we do.

I was worried about my son, who is very affectionate, and enjoyed many things that are usually considered feminine, but he has never complained of being teased, and his teachers love him to death (which actually is such a good thing, because they can’t be very strict with him).

And despite every complain I made, my daughter has picked up on nail polish, and fancy soaps and shampoos, and stylish clothing (I don’t have a stylish bone in my body).

I think our kids will generally be who they are, no matter what other adults say to them. It’s the other kids that I worry about. The adults are not as much of a problem.

I really don’t want to raise my kids with preconceived gender norms when I have them someday. Reading the book “an unconventional family” really had an impact on me. I went to a baby shower this weekend and the place was buried in PINK. I always joke that i’m dressing my kids in green. No one says “girls get green” or “boys get green” there will be no pink or blue in my house. Everyone is wearing green, no matter what their gender is! Until they are old enough I will dress them in whatever I think is cute, if this means my 1 year old daughter wears a “boys” turtleneck with dinosaurs on it than so be it. When they get old enough to pick their own clothes, they can wear whatever they feel like wearing, but I refuse to make them wear “girl clothes” or “boy clothes”. Same goes with toys, both my girls and my boys will get the same toys, clothes etc. Gender norms from birth are insane in my opinion.

As my kids are growing up, they are making up their own minds about their style and none of them seems to be deciding based solely on the norms of their gender. My oldest son wore his hair long and once it was cut off he insisted that he is growing it back. My middle son loves to wear bright socks that don’t match and the more color in his shirts the better. My youngest carried one of my purses (although it had lipstick, not tools in it) then grew tired of it and started carrying an empty tool box. I have never encouraged any gender stereotypes one way or another, but like it or not they come out. Last week we were talking about weddings and the youngest said he would like to be in a wedding and walk down the aisle throwing rose petals. His brothers told him that was a “girl’s job” and he immediately changed his mind. I have no idea where the older boys got that idea (I loved the visual of my 6 year-old son tossing rose petals from a basket), but sure enough it was there!

@cak, I thought “they can” was a very accurate statement! Some grandparents will continue to disagree no matter how valid your argument!

@SuperMouse – you are correct! Yep, I have them, too. All on my husband’s side. My mom has proven to be pretty progressive!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir my apologies for poor wording, i didn’t mean that it was right or better to grow up as a stereotypical boy, only that it did not have an affect on their gender identity and that others now see them as “typical” boys not that it is necessarily important. So they advice to get the kids hair cut does stop after awhile. Just to clarify although I’m not sure I did that well, i feel as if I am tripping over my own words tonight. I don’t want to seem a promoter of binary gender roles because I certainly am not.

I don’t think there is any way gender stereotypes can be avoided. All a child has to do is watch television. The commercials all have little girls in ribbons and doing feminine things. Little boys are depicted hanging out with dad fishing, working on the car, riding a skateboard, and on and on and on. And I think it is too bad that children are forced into that rigid format. I always liked “boys” things, sports, cars, engines but can also knit and cook or sew, but I have been considered a little strange because of my masculine likes. Didn’t make for an easy childhood. Kids learn to make life difficult for anyone who is different. I think the parents have something to do with that but the world does a good job at it as well. It’s a shame really, probably a lot of girls out there would be great race car drivers if they were encouraged to explore.

My 4 year old has long, curly blonde hair. He’s adorable, and often gets mistaken for a girl. He’ll just say, “I’m a BOY!” The only person who has made negative comments about my son’s long hair is his great-grandfather. He’s always laughing and saying, “He looks just like a little girl!” We just ignore it. I think my son would look funny with short hair—it just wouldn’t suit him. Besides, his teachers call him “the rock star of preschool” and the little girls fight over him. What if we cut his hair and he’s not the rock star anymore? ;)

My other son has always had short hair. We get it cut regularly, because when his hair gets too long it just doesn’t look good. With short hair, he looks like he just stepped out of a GQ for Kids magazine or something. We’ve asked him, and he wants to keep his hair short. Our other son has said he does NOT want his hair cut. So, as long as they’re happy with it I don’t really care what other people think. If the boys later decide they want something different done to their hair—well, it’s their hair!

i wouldn’t want to place gender based expectations on my kids, if/when i have them.

people should really keep in mind that even if they put their boy in a dress for godssake, he is not going to turn into a girl, or even be truly feminine. that has to do with their own perspective and their own genetics.