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eadinad's avatar

Would you tell a crush if you knew it wouldn't go anywhere?

Asked by eadinad (1278points) April 15th, 2009

Here’s the situation: I’ve liked this guy for two years now. It’s real bad. But for the first year I had a boyfriend (he was single), and for the second year now he’s had a girlfriend (and I’m single.) I know he cares about, probably loves his girlfriend and I have no expectations that he will leave her for me or anything like that. But I know that he’s attracted to me/likes me in some sense, just because it’s obvious.

My perspective is, these feelings are obviously not going away so, even though I know we won’t be together, I just want to tell him, get it out of the way, so I can move on. I’ve tried getting over him but I can’t, so I feel like just telling him and getting it out of my system and quelling any lingering hopes is the only way.
The con, though, is that it potentially puts him in an awkward situation/mental space, and that might bleed over into our friendship. We’re pretty close. But I almost… don’t care? I don’t want to be just friends with him. I want to either be more or just move on, at least for a while.

(I don’t know the girlfriend very well at all, and I don’t feel any type of loyalty to her. But I wouldn’t help him cheat even if he tried, though I know he never ever would.)

We’re both in college.

So, opinions. If it were you, what would you do?

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31 Answers

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Been there.
Spoke my mind.
We weren’t lovers or friends after.

asmonet's avatar

Don’t damage a friends relationship for selfish reasons.

Move on.

Likeradar's avatar

I wouldn’t tell him til he’s single again, if that ever happens. It seems like you just want to tell him to help you (which is a totally reasonable feeling), but it could make things weird for him. It would be selfish. I know you don’t feel any loyalty to his gf, but if you were in her place what would you think? Telling him wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but I probably wouldn’t do it (ok, I probably would. But then I would regret it.)

Resonantscythe's avatar

I was in a similar situation a while back and i gotta say, it’s such a relief to let the person know. I stayed friends with this person and there was no weirdness, though that could just be us.However since he’s taken you may not want to do it because of the position it would put him in.If for whatever reason he breaks up with her, tell him, you’ll feel so much better. But for now it would cause problems all around to let him know.

DrBill's avatar

Either wait till you are both single, or move on.

If you say something, he will either stay with her and you will be ousted, or he will leave her for you, then you will know someone else could steel him away at any time, either way you lose.

Bluefreedom's avatar

I can only imagine how hard it might be to have to keep the crush to myself but that is what I would do if I was faced with the same circumstances that you explained in your question’s details. Like others have said before me above, there is more potential to harm the relationship that your crush is involved in rather than any positive outlook that might benefit you more.

Instead of having to tell him so that you can move on, it’s going to be better for everyone involved if you concentrate on something else to take your mind away from your current dilemma and not let the crush be a determining factor if you can continue on with your life. I don’t know what activities or distractions that you can occupy yourself with but I sympathize with your situation and I wish you the best of luck in getting through it in the best way possible.

Lefty_the_space_monkey's avatar

I’ve told people that I had feelings for them when I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere and remained friends with them before.

I don’t see why it has to be weird.

SeventhSense's avatar

Listen to @asmonet.
Move it on out there cowgirl. It’s not fair to him because he’s already saddled up. Check your motives. At best it will flatter and tempt him, and at worst break up a happy couple.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

After the amount of time that’s passed, if it hasn’t ever come up between you two, from either of you then I’d leave it be.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

Don’t mention it if you don’t think he’s the one. If you believe he is the one for you, then by all means you should speak now.

skfinkel's avatar

If you are good friends, I would stay with that and not tell him. First of all, because he knows. Just as you know you are special in some way to him. Be his friend and just that. It might work out the way you want after all.

ru2bz46's avatar

Unless you’re both single, don’t ask, don’t tell.

asmonet's avatar

Ever watched Grey’s Anatomy?

You’ll pretty much be Izzy to George and Callie in S4.

And that’s best case scenario in my opinion.
You know, if you needed visual.

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funky_princess's avatar

Dont say anything, you could damage the friendship you have now
Surely a friendship is better than nothing,
Dont ruin a good relationship for selfish reasons, its not fair!

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cwilbur's avatar

What is the best possible outcome of you telling him you have a crush on him? How likely is it?

What is the worst possible outcome of you telling him you have a crush on him? How likely is it?

Are there other possible outcomes? How likely are they?

Are any of the likely outcomes good? If not, why consider telling him?

ubersiren's avatar

I guess I’m in the minority because I’d totally tell him. It could be really great if he knew how you felt. It could also end the friendship. But as long as you act cordially that end would be on him, and if that happened over you expressing yourself, he’s not worth a friendship. Yeah, if he leaves his girl, she will be hurting, but relationships come and go, and she’ll get over it. If someone isn’t meant to be, they’re not meant to be. She’ll find someone with whom she is meant to be. If he really does love her, he won’t leave her, but at least you’ll know and be able to move on instead of living in internal turmoil. Suppressing your feelings doesn’t open the “options” box, which I am firmly in favor of keeping open. But that’s just me. I like to have all avenues to travel on, and find out for myself which ones are dangerous instead of taking someone’s word for it.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@SeventhSense He could be the one for eadinad.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Tell him and let it go. If letting it go means letting him go, too, well… them’s the breaks. We don’t always get what we want.

IBERnineD's avatar

My friend was actually in a very similar situation, except that the boy had a girlfriend of about 3 years when she met him. Although she liked him and had the impression he liked her, she didn’t say anything or allow anything romantic happen between them. She did that because in her own words, “I wouldn’t want that to happen to me, so why would I do that to his girlfriend?” She did date other people, but always came back to liking him. In the end he broke up with the girl and my friend told him how she felt. He had feelings for her and also had no clue she was even interested in him. They decided they shouldn’t get in a relationship right away since he just broken up with a long time girlfriend. But 3 months later they couldn’t wait anymore and they have been dating for almost year now and are still going strong.
I guess the moral of the story is if it’s meant to be then it is meant to be. I wouldn’t tell him, asmonet is right. I’m a firm believer in things happen for a reason, and if every time one of you has been available the other has not, then that means it’s not the time to be telling him. If you really like him you can wait till the time is appropriate and you both are single.

eadinad's avatar

I don’t believe he’s “the one,” but I don’t really believe in that concept. I also don’t believe things happen for a reason or in fate or destiny or whatever. If it works out it will be because we made it work out.

And I also would not be making him leave his girlfriend. Like I said, I don’t think he would, but if he did it would be his choice, and obviously their relationship wasn’t all happy and good and loving, or he wouldn’t leave it. A third party can not ruin a relationship, only the people in it can.

Thanks for the replies though. I’ve been thinking about them, but I’m still leaning towards telling him.

chicadelplaya's avatar

@eadinad – I say follow your heart and your gut, BUT also be prepared for rejection (just in case). Good luck with that! I know it’s not an easy thing to do. I’ve done it myself.

SeventhSense's avatar

I hear what you’re saying but I think that there’s far too much emphasis placed upon
soul mates . Yes I think that some people have types of experiences that are likened to love at first sight and there’s a strong chemical response. My personal experience is that there are many people that I’ve had connection with and it’s always a choice by either party whether we will enter into a significant relationship. My experience with a super strong response of attraction and instant connection have mostly been either myself or her being confronted with a projected issue or some unfinished business with a parent figure. Mostly if I feel an overwhelming connection to someone or it’s too quick to be “I’ve known them forever”, I am very wary. Also, it’s too easy for one person to “take another hostage” according to their “vision”. But there are definitely people who are highly likely to be a good match for each other but it has to be right for both.

monkeygirl's avatar

well im a girl and i think that making love is the same as somthing diifferent

xRIPxTHEREVx's avatar

Wow. That sounds scarily like I was. I liked this guy for 2 and a half years who didn’t love me back. He totally dominated my life. I just had to move on. Try and focus yourself on someone else if you can. That’s what I did. My life has been so much better since. He just didn’t care for me as a person.

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