General Question

chicadelplaya's avatar

Do you think if people get married for the wrong reasons, it will ultimately end at some point?

Asked by chicadelplaya (2213points) April 16th, 2009

For instance: if someone marries for economic security, because they felt it was “time to get married” and picked someone, family and friends expected them to, etc..

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33 Answers

Facade's avatar

Yes, it will.

YARNLADY's avatar

No, it doesn’t have to. They might become quite comfortable in their relationship, especially if they were friends to begin with.

Likeradar's avatar

I think it probably depends not so much on why they got married, but on what they do and how they feel now that they are married.

I know people who got married as teenagers because she got pregnant (a “wrong” reason, in my mind)... ten years later, with a lot of work, they are going strong.

Depends on the people.

ru2bz46's avatar

I always thought that, and I was about to answer that way. Then I thought of one of my sisters. She married a guy 15 years older than she was for financial security. She was divorced and had four kids (only two full time). He was divorced with four kids (two were on their own). He needed someone to take care of his kids while he earned his significant paycheck. The marriage had plenty of ups and downs. All the kids are grown, now, and they are very happy with each other. It’s been about twenty years, and there is no sign of trouble that we can see.

Jack79's avatar

not always, but it seems quite likely

Marrying for financial security is not a wrong reason, unless you marry someone poor. There is always some reason you want to marry someone (they’re rich, they’re sexy, they make you smile, they have good DNA). Whatever your reason is, is the right one.

I married my wife because I thought she’d make a good mother. She didn’t, and it is this which makes it the wrong reason. Marrying someone because you think they’ll make a good parent is not in itself a bad idea.

Bluefreedom's avatar

I think the marriage has the potential to end even though that might not be the end result in all cases. It would depend on how much the couple cares for each other, despite the problems they are experiencing, and also how tolerant they are of each others differences.

It could remain a platonic marriage more than anything else and it could possibly survive if both parties were willing to sacrifice some of their happiness and/or expectations to keep the union viable. In my opinion, though, if the marriage was at these stages, wouldn’t it just be better to part ways and remain good friends if that choice was possible?

DrBill's avatar

It depends on how much each are willing to adapt

tinyfaery's avatar

Who defines what the wrong reason is?

chicadelplaya's avatar

@tinyfaery – ah ha… good point. Let me think about that…

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

I don’t know. I’m not divorced yet! Don’t plan to be either.

electricsky's avatar

Not always. My grandparents got married mostly just because they had the same religion and the same values, and they both wanted kids. I don’t think they were ever actually in love, but they do love each other very, very much. They’ve been together since their mid-twenties and they’re still together today, at the age of 75. Even though they’ve never been in love with each other, I really doubt they’d be able to survive without each other.

ru2bz46's avatar

@electricsky From a religious point of view, I think your grandparents got married for exactly the right reason…to have a family and bring them up in the church.

lisaj89's avatar

Actually, it may last even longer than if you marry for love. If you are not completely smitten for someone, you are able to step back and point out their good AND bad traits. Also, when one marries for love, eventually the honeymoon does, unfortunately, end. Scientists say that after about four years (4 Year Itch) the endorphins that make you all giddy for your partner wear off and you begin to see all the things you have been trying NOT to see for the past few years. However, I do know people who this didn’t happen to so science is not relevant in every situation.

avalmez's avatar

sometimes the consequences of unwinding a marriage are worse than trying to stick it out. doesn’t have to be economic as in many societies divorce is a terrible stigma and usually impacts the woman more than the man. and in many cases, the religious consequences of divorce are something like eternal damnation.

on the positive side, i do know of many couples who got married for reasons that at least i couldnt fathom but who nonetheless remain together and seem quite happy with their union.

love – go figure.

lisaj89's avatar

Eternal damnation? Really? What church do you go to? There are plenty of divorced people at my church who are assured their place in heaven.

ubersiren's avatar

I have to agree with @YARNLADY. I married my husband because he knocked me up. I mean I was very fond of him, but I must admit he wasn’t who I ever pictured marrying. I actually fell more in love with him as the years passed. Now, I think we’re a perfect fit and I love him with all my heart.

avalmez's avatar

@lisaj89 i am not catholic (and have no problems with catholics…i live with one), but i believe that even today, divorce is a mortal sin according to the catholic church, as an e.g.

avalmez's avatar

and on the opposite side of wrong reason, what about right reason? consider arranged marriages. the divorce rate amongst couples whose marriage is arranged by their parents is low compared to marriages that are the result of romance. is it a coincidence that cultures that embrace arranged marriages also place a great stigma on divorce?

lisaj89's avatar

What happened to forgiveness? How is divorce different from any other sin?

Likeradar's avatar

@lisaj89 Forgiveness is great, but I don’t think forgiveness means you have to be ok with the person. It just means you’re no longer a walking ball of hostility and anger.

avalmez's avatar

@lisaj89 i don’t know the answer in the context of what i believe is current catholic doctrine.

lisaj89's avatar

Likeradar, not forgiveness toward the ex spouse, but God’s forgiveness. I’m not really familiar with divorce and scripture but if you didn’t do anything wrong and just ended the marriage then what’s the problem? Murderers go to heaven if they ask forgiveness.

Likeradar's avatar

@lisaj89 Okay dokay then.

avalmez's avatar

@Likeradar it might be an interesting question, the nature of forgiveness. is forgiveness coming to terms with wrongs done to you, or is it coming to terms with the person that wronged you? post it!

@lisaj89 i got what you meant, but who’s God’s spokeperson to say God is ok with this or that?

Likeradar's avatar

@avalmez You can. I already know how I feel about the matter :).

avalmez's avatar

@lisaj89 i should add, people make mistakes of all sorts all the time. committing to marriage is certainly one of those things that can go wrong. i dont think that makes either person involved in a broken marriage guilty of a mortal sin. please dont take my responses to mean that – ok?

lisaj89's avatar

Well, Jesus DIED for our sins. Not only the small ones but ALL of them. I am unfamiliar with this ‘mortal sin’ of which you speak. We only have sin in my church. I’m not being rude or anything, I would really like to know more about this concept.

avalmez's avatar

a mortal sin is an unforgivable sin which condemns those who commit them to damnation. suicide is an example of a sin many religions regard as mortal. divorce is an example of what i understand the catholic church holds is mortal. murder is another example according to some religions. my point about who’s to speak for God on such matters is that, well, who’s’ to say? embrace your beliefs and be true to them is the best we mere mortals can do.

lisaj89's avatar

Awesome answer, very informative, thanks.

RedPowerLady's avatar

I suppose it really depends on if the love or bond was there in the first place.
If there was love and a bond then it might have a chance to grow despite the reasons for the marriage.

If not then the marriage will likely fail (although I wouldn’t wish that on anyone). I only say this because when your in a marriage you have to go through so much together. You have to accept the other for their faults. And life throws crap our way that we must struggle through together. In a good marriage the couple will struggle but grow together. If someone marries for the wrong reason then I suspect their relationship won’t have the strength to overcome these difficulties.

emperorofcali's avatar

Whether it ends or not might not be as important as whether it will be fruitful, invigorating and evolutionary. Those things may or may not have importance to everyone. To some, longevity is more important. People place alot of importance on longevity, just to make it 20 or 30 years through marriage is some virtuous thing, no matter the boredom, misery or stagnation. They have devised “techniques” to put aside their resentment. Just in order to make it through to another day.

It is common to use the word “fail” to refer to a marriage that is ended. This supposes that a marriage is supposed to last indefinitely, through all time, no matter what it has transformed into. And yet, I have seen success, as opposed to failure, in the termination of a bored and stifling marriage. I have seen it improve lives. The marriage was a success, because it taught valuable lessons, even if the final lesson was to end it.

And so to answer your question, I have seen many marriages last years and years with the basis being financial, or otherwise material. It can last until death, and quite often does. Preservation techniques can be employed to keep it alive. Humans are very good at adapting to things that slowly kill them. Cigarettes and alcohol only make one cough and gag at first. They can be overcome, and the destruction can continue. Same goes for destructive relationships.

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

God’s spokesperson is the Bible, and he HATES it.

If you read on, and pray, and keep reading, there is sometimes a needed provision for it

there are cases when divorce IS okay, IS necessary, and IS worth all the unraveling of lives that has to be done in the beginning….tough as it may be

the God I’ve known all my life MUST be one to forgive me, if I repent, TRULY repent ending a marriage, had GOOD reason according to his Word, and have done the work to forgive MYSELF.

YES, here where I am, it’s proven more difficult on me than on my ex-husband, who I never once spoke negative about before I left.

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

So the answer is, be VERY discerning when looking to get married.
Yes, the odds would be high that at sOME point, it will end if entered with the wrong reasons.
However, everything here is proven wrong with exceptions, so…

Marriage is awesome, respect it, be smart about it before ever committing to it, and always PRAY.

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