How do you handle a nine year old boy that always has to have the last word?

Just wait till he’s older.

I think this is an age old problem and you are not alone, my child does not have ADD but frequently wants the last word!! I just tell her enough is enough but choose my battles wisely. Sometimes it is better to just let them have the last word, especially if you got the behaviour you wanted and they are just sounding off. My nephew has ADHD and frequently has the last word when arguing with my sister, she has just learned to deal with that happening. As long as she has control of his behaviour many times sh just ignores him when venting frustration, as half the time he doesn’t realise/remember what he is saying/has said.
I guess what I am trying to say is having the last word in an argument doesn’t neccessarily mean you have won the argument!

When my son is bad he gets grounded. That means no tv, no computer, no xbox, no cell phone. If my son talked back after i said “you’re grounded for one week” I would say “plus one”. If he talked back more it would then be plus two and so on. Just add days to the punishment. Of course you have to first explain the new rules, so he knows what’s coming. I very calmly told him that if he didnt want to show respect he would not have privledges. A few weeks without the beloved xbox put my son’s mouth in check.

The best way to erradicate or change an unwanted behavior is to ignore it, especially with something like this. He is searching for attention and validation. Validate his feelings with something like, yes, you have every right to feel that way, but your behavior is unacceptable. Then ignore the behavior, walk away, maybe begin to engage in an activity your child will want to participate in. But, do not engage him until the behavior has stopped.

This is not going to happen overnight, and you might have some showdowns, when he will test your resolve, but you have to be consistent. NEVER cave into the behavior. Do the exact same thing ever time he exhibits the behavior. It will work.

My parents would have spanked me or punished me in some way. Talking back to his parents is viewed as very disrespectful to us!

….and nine years old is old enough to know better.

Walk away and leave him talking to an empty room, or increase his punishment incrementally for each infraction, depending on which works with your child. With my son, walking away is most effective as he doesn’t believe he should be punished and increasing the punishment just makes him all the more determined to get the last and usually very disrespectful word.

Depending on the circumstances I may model anger control to him by saying as I walk away, “I am upset with you right now so I am going to walk away before I get really angry. I will let you know when I have calmed down enough to be around you.”

It’s not worth fighting with them over the “last word”. As long as they’re still being disciplined, what does it matter who has the last word or not?

My parents ignored that kind of crap when my siblings and I would get like that.

….bang him on the head with a hammer?

Kids need a lot of love and patience. I know that’s easy in theory, but that’s the only advice I can give. The more you can give, the better your results. Good luck with trying not to be driven round the bend.

@Dansedescygnes – When you grow up and you disagree with your boss and attempt to have the last word you will quickly learn that you often will no longer have a job. Parents need to teach their children that having the last word is not a way to win friends and influence people. They need to know how to not have the last word sometimes for when having the last word means losing something important to you.

Having the last word is a form of disrespect from a lower status individual such as an employee, and a sign of power by a higher status person such as the boss. Galileo got the last word (“Epur si muove” And yet it does move!) and look what it got him. The church was not amused.

I’m kind of appalled so many people find children disrespecting their parents not a big deal.

@Darwin

I’m not saying anyone needs to have the last word. I’m just saying that isn’t worth it for both sides to fight over who has it. Parents shouldn’t be bickering with their children. If their child is still being disciplined but is just being annoying and sulking over it, there’s no need to engage in a word-war with them. I was speaking mostly to agree with what @tinyfaery said, because my parents acted similarly to that most of the time. Of course kids shouldn’t be rude, but is the best way of getting that across for the parents to insist that they have the last word?

@Darwin

Also, I’m not really disagreeing with you, I just think that there are worse things kids can do and that “last word-ness” is kind of petty on both sides. Most people I have “fought” with to have the last word were also trying very hard to have the last word. Most parents don’t seem to want it that badly or that way. For me, it’s mostly been with some yo-yo on the internet that was already annoying me.

If it is immature for the child to insist on having the last word, it is also immature for the adult to do it. (Note: I have been known to be immature about it.) I have a child for whom having the last word is very important at this time. She knows it’s not cool, but can’t seem to help herself – regardless of punishment, she still does it. It has been addressed, she knows how we feel about it, and hopefully she will outgrow it soon. In the meantime, I try to keep my cool (not always successfully).

@hug_of_war I don’t agree with your assessment of what “disrespecting” the parent is. When a child talks back, that is a symptom of a different issue. A parent who has low self-esteem might feel a lack of respect because of it, but the description given here does not speak of disrespect, but a symptom of a child testing his limits. It is completely normal, and using the Power of Ignore is probably the best solution.

You might try positive reinforcement instead of punishment or at least as much as possible before you reach punishment.

Before I get into that I do want to briefly mention that kids, especially with ADD, need movement breaks every 20 minutes or they lose their ability to concentrate/learn. This is true for all humans as a matter of fact. You may also want to look at his diet because it can have a big affect on the behavior of an ADD child.

Positive Reinforcement is commonly used in counseling children of your son’s age. You can do it at home if you would like. Basically the technique is to completely ignore the negative except for when the negative is unsafe. Your son is looking for a reaction from you when he acts out It does not matter what type of action. So the best punishment is to ignore the bad behavior (which I understand is horribly frustrating). Along with this you must focus on the positive. First as parents you must identify what is it that you want him to be doing (vs. what is it that you don’t want him to be doing). Then write down the behaviors that exemplify that goal. So if you want him to act respectfully then you would right down behaviors that show respect such as using manners, talking in a calm voice, etc… Now that you know what behaviors you are looking for you can tell your son. Each time he produces one of these behaviors of his own accord his is rewarded. It can be as simple as giving him a quarter each time. If you don’t have that much money you can give him your attention. Or you can get marbles and a Prize Jar. When he gets the prize jar full of marbles he wins his prize. NOW if he doesn’t produce any of the positive behaviors on his own you want to shape his behavior. This means that anything that resembles these behaviors is rewarded. So an example would be that you want him to talk in an even tone. But he doesn’t produce that normally so you can’t reward it. Well then you would want to reward him for using a quieter yell. Etc… And then a quieter one etc… Now the reward system doesn’t have to stick around. You basically ween the kid off of it. But it is a good tool to use throughout childhood if you find it useful. You can always change your goal behaviors. And many perhaps later use it for rewarding chores etc..

@RedPowerLady GA

My son was diagnosed with ADHD and aphasia. We used physical activity as a remedy. He learned to swim when he was three, and took all the physical acitvity classes I could afford, Gym n Me, Kinder Gym, and swimming. I homeschooled him, and he would swim every morning for a couple of hours, then do his work off and on during the day.

@YARNLADY TY. Sounds like you intuitively knew what to do :) And boy does that sound like fun for a kid! :)

The best part was that he eventually outgrew it. He didn’t learn to write until he was 12 years old, but he could and did use a compter from the age of two. When he became an adult, he didn’t face any different problems than most young people these days.

@YARNLADY That’s pretty darn amazing! I’m glad you all had such a positive outcome.

@YARNLADY Fantastic.

Cut the cable, television, games for only an hour a day, Lego robots or small planes to build, a desk with crafts to build things he will enjoy. Occupational therapy, boredom and frustration is making him unhappy, calm parents and beautiful music, very faint in the back ground, instrumental that stimulates creativity and calms one, this will also encourage him to talk and tell you what bothers him, a fix routine and playing ball games with the family where respect and team work is important.

@WifeOfBath Love your answer.

I’m with @tinyfaery, @Jack79, @YARNLADY and @RedPowerLady. Encourage the behaviors you want. Ignore those you don’t like, or just say you don’t like them, and leave it at that. Treat kids with respect, and they’ll learn to treat you with respect. Treat them like slaves, and they’ll treat you like masters.

I have to say, I don’t quite understand what you mean by “the last word.” Are you arguing back and forth, like “Do this!” “I won’t.” “yes you will!” “No I won’t!” Etc, etc? Or is it something else? I’ve never heard this term used in interactions with children, before. I see it happen on fluther, when no one can bear to break off an argument without giving their argument one more try.

I tend to listen to my kids, and if they say something that makes sense, they can convince me to change my mind. We don’t argue (or what I consider to be arguing) all that much. They certainly don’t always do what I think they should, and they’ll do things that other people probably think is disrespectful, but when we’re serious, they comply, and are probably grateful for our help.

My son is not big on stuff you have to learn to be polite company. He doesn’t like to help clearing the table, or using his napkin. Little things like that. They don’t bother me, because I was the same. I learned. My parents, apparently, are much more strict, and therefore, oddly, my kids prefer us to their grands. I think I should tell my parents to go ahead and spoil the kids. Isn’t that what grands are for?

Anyway, I think it’s a parenting philosophy, and it’s kind of hard to learn if you’ve been doing things another way. I think most of the problem with children is with us. They give back what we give them. My son is nine. He’s very loving and affectionate, and he’s a tough kid at the same time. He is a whiz at piano, and amazing at drawing. He says he doesn’t like to read or write, but I see him reading, and he seems absorbed. I dunno if he’ll ever like writing. Until he types, anyway. He’ll give me sass, as will my daughter, but only when I’m willing to take it. As soon as I get serious, he stops, and gets to work.

Where is the problem, exactly? I think I may have located it in the final sentence of your post:

What is the best resolution to make him stop this frustrating behavior.

You are frustrated. This is understandable, but it’s not because of him having the last word. It is because you want to have the last word. Have you tried examining why you have this wish? You are dealing with a 9-year old. There is nothing at stake except your ego. I’m not calling you egotistical. I’m merely pointing out that you may be letting your frustrated emotions affect your ability to make rational decisions. So what if he has “the last word”. What will result? What is your fear? The child is communicating to you, and that in itself is a virtue. The only thing you will promote by overreacting to it is more fear, more resentment, and if you follow half the advice in this thread, you’ll probably break him down and get him to Simply Shut the Hell Up. And then what?

If you are calm and confident as a parent, simply continue with your own plan for discipline, and don’t worry about this “last word” nonsense. Any parent that feels that their “authority” is being threatened by a nine-year old who merely expresses his opinion in a deliberately provocative and manipulative manner – well, I hope this doesn’t offend you too much – but they really don’t have much stroke to begin with anyway.