I just ate a lot of extremely spicy food and drank a lot of beer. This is not going to, uh, come out very well...what can I do to alleviate the pain?

I’ll keep this as full of euphemisms as possible. This is a serious inquiry.

I’ve stupidly done this twice before and experienced and immense amount of burning fiery pain when the food…uh…exited me…

I’m already prepared for a lot of pain to be felt. Anything I can do to immediately find relief from the pain?

PLEASE NO JOKES. This is an honest to god serious question, despite being gross. If you want to say something snarky or make a joke, save it for your blog. I hope for this question to actually help me and others who seek relief from this sort of thing.