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computeruser's avatar

Getting over ex gf / depression questions and thoughts?

Asked by computeruser (8points) April 27th, 2009

I feel as though I just lack the necessary social skills to establish real and lasting relationships. i kind of wish i didn’t have that desire and that i was okay being a “loner” but i can only take so much of that until I begin to crack. i know it goes beyond my ex gf. i’ve kinda of put her on that pedestal as my last shot at having the kind of life i’ve wanted for so long. i have friends but the purposes they serve amounts to very little in the end. i am alone. more than ever. i feel like an outcast. nobody wants to talk to me and i come off as unapproachable at work and parties/bars. i want to go somewhere and be alone and just relax and get my head together but that is not an option. i have to deal with this while going about my day and making whatever money i can. for what purpose? right now, none. i’ve tried many times and sometimes i succeed but in the end im still me and still have many shortcomings. i don’t know what i want other than to be happy. it seems as though everyone else has these basic things figured out. they have the confidence to go out and live wheras I can only take a hit or two and then im out and become a shutin. I crave connection and cannot seem to get it from everyday interactions. I need that closeness that she provided as fucked up as it was. we had a terrible on/off relationship for two years where she cheated on me constantly. terrible things happened and it is completely over now. it’s been over a month. we broke up for five months before but I handled it. this time I can’t seem to. I’m terrible at meetings girls and it just seems like such a long road ahead I don’t think I have enough strength to walk it. I just moved and have four roommates but I don’t know them well enough to talk to them and find myself shutting my door and avoiding them. I figure if i avoid people while I’m like this it’ll cause less damage.

I need advice and I need support ;(

I am on lexapro (four days in seems to not really being doing anything except calming my anger towards her) and I’ve been in therapy for a few months now.

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8 Answers

charliecompany34's avatar

since you are not married, you’ll heal in time. no kids. no mortgage, possibly. you are the envy of all us married folks who have some difficulty bouncing back from divorce. look at it this way: you can pick and choose whoever you want now. you’ll heal. sometimes we need to let love go. if it comes back, cool, but move on…

qashqai's avatar

I am sorry for hearing this.

I don’t want to sound harsh but I have to tell you a couple of things:

a) your life is too important, you shouldn’t let anyone ruin it (I broke up two months ago, I am right there as well).
b) don’t spend time thinking what if. Live the present. She left you (as my ex-girlfriend left me), there’s nothing to do but bouncing back by your self, on your own.
c) You will spend time alone, that’s completely natural. Don’t be afraid of that. The more you are afraid, the more lonely you will feel.

Good luck, and welcome to

computeruser's avatar

we had had broken up with each other back and for throughout the two years but this time it is for keeps and it was mutual. It was just broken. I ran into her a week ago at a bar on a date with some guy and since then I’ve been crying everyday. The second time I broke up with her, again because of the cheating, I cried for a month. I see that reaction as normal but this time it’s just depressing the hell outta me and I start a new job Friday. I kind of feel as though I have a bit more falling to do before I start climbing back up. I desperately want to move on like she appears to be doing.

nayeight's avatar

Wow. You sound alot like me. We are both dealing with some of the same things, although I am not dealing with depression. I too long for a connection with someone after my break-up. I still think about my ex everyday and secretly hope he’ll come to his senses and come back to me. But then I realize that there’s a reason we aren’t together. You’ll find someone, you just have to work on yourself, that’s what I’ve been doing to keep myself busy. Make some goals for yourself that will be for you and no one else . Like maybe striving for a promotion at work or start up a new hobby. My new goals are to work more on my photography, find a job after I graduate, and save up for a new house. They’re long-term but I feel like if I complete them I’ll be doing something good for me and no one else. I like to think that having that kind of attitude is attractive and that when the right person finfs me, they will think “damn, she’s confident, comfortable with herself, goal-oriented and has her shit together.”

computeruser's avatar

@qashqai that’s where the therapy comes in. even while we were still on again i said to myself “why am I putting up with this. this is insanity.” now that she’s not in my life I’m having to take an extremely hard look at myself.

@nayeight sounds like you are following the textbook rules for post break up. work on yourself is number one. I have been doing a lot of things “right” but I find myself losing steam lately. A lot has happened in a month. I moved, starting new job in a few days, and my ex and i decided that we cannot be in each others lives any longer after months of late night arguments.

my head is too cloudy to think straight right now. I appreciate the responses though. thanks you.

augustlan's avatar

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sounds as if life is a bit overwhelming at the moment… I can certainly sympathize. Don’t worry about moving on at the moment… you will in time. Right now, just be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve, but put your focus on the here and now. Starting a new job when you’re not at the top of your game is scary, but could help you a lot. Put all your energy into it, then go home and have a good cry in your bedroom. After you calm down, go out into the common area of your new home and have a beer with your roommates. This is my advice to all who are suffering in the aftermath of a breakup: Throw self on bed, cry head off, pick self up, dust self off and go on. Repeat as needed. You really will feel better in time… I promise.

Also, 4 days on an anti-depressant is not enough time to tell if it’s working. Give it a good two weeks before deciding it’s not the one for you. Good luck with everything and {hugs} to you.

chicadelplaya's avatar

@computeruser- wow honey, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. You really remind me of my last boyfriend who didn’t want to have a relationship (and I miss terribly). Anyway, this may actually be as bad as it gets. This girl sounds terrible for you and perhaps you just miss the idea of her or a relationship. Good for you for going to therapy, that is not an easy thing to do for a lot of people. It may seem pointless to you now (because you still feel like crap, which is normal in a situation like this), but it isn’t keep dragging yourself there if you have to. Be careful how much alcohol you drink especially while on meds, because they may not be working and you’ll feel even more depressed and defeated from that alone (I’ve been there myself). Just keep getting out of bed in the morning, take a shower, get dressed, go for a walk, and say hello to strangers on the street. It’s a start and it may help. You will have shitty days and days that are better. Breaking up is always hard to do, no matter the reason. You may not see it or feel it now, but to me it sounds like this particular relationship ended for a good reason, and you do deserve better. This will eventually pass and you will eventually find a better love down the road. You sound like a really sweet guy. Just try to not be so hard on yourself (I know easier said than done, but just try). Everything is gonna be alright. BIG HUG! :o) Take good care of yourself…

Pol_is_aware's avatar

There’s no such thing as a person who has it all together. Social skills are simply learned by trial and error. It’s important to try to learn from your mistakes, and it’s more important to know that shortcomings aren’t permanent.

Some people can walk into any given crowded room, winking and pointing fingers to everyone. If you can’t see yourself doing that, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. Confidence is defined as the ability to visualize success. Sometimes, that’s as simple as thinking, “It will work out somehow.”

Your roommates want to be friends with you as much as you want to be friends with them. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about yourself, then just listen. The longer you run away from social situations, the harder it will become to gain confidence in them. Sometimes its just good to watch other people and learn from their social skills.

It’s always good to try to better yourself, but what has to come first is for you to be comfortable with your current self. No matter what is wrong with you, no matter what is wrong with you, if you love yourself, other people will love you too.

I hope this is helpful. I’ve been in this exact situation before, not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to put myself out there. What got me through it was knowing that eventually, once I was through it, I was just going to wish I had dove in sooner.

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