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juniper's avatar

How can I deal with an inconsiderate house guest?

Asked by juniper (1904points) April 28th, 2009

My former roommate often spends the night at my house (with boyfriend in tow) when she visits our town. Note: she is not visiting me, just staying with me while she flits about.

The problem is this: she is extremely messy, loud, and obnoxious as a house guest. She spreads her stuff all over the house (and she always brings an alarming amount of crap), cooks and then leaves the dirty dishes in the sink, and stomps across our wooden floor when she comes home at 2 am. Basically, she’s the houseguest from hell.

I could probably bite my tongue about this if it weren’t for the fact that I have two lovely roommates who also have to put up with this when she is here. And that’s not fair.

Last time my friend stayed here, I asked her beforehand to please be quiet when she came home and to try to keep things tidy. She was just as bad as ever.

How can she not realize what she is like?! I feel that it’s rude and disrespectful—am I being too sensitive, here?

Anyway, this has to stop, at least for my roommates’ sakes. Aside from asking my friend not to stay here anymore, do you have any suggestions? Or similar experiences (only because hearing those might make me feel less crazy)?

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22 Answers

chyna's avatar

Next time she asks, tell her that it is inconvienient at that time, or just say your roommates have issues with how she blows in and blows out leaving the house a mess.

jlm11f's avatar

If you say anything about it annoying YOU, it will just cause hurt feelings and drama. Make your roommates the scapegoat. “Sorry friend, but my roommates are really stressed out this week, so if you are going to be over, you are going to have to be VERY quiet. They pay as much rent as I do, and deserve/demand a clean, quiet, house. So if they decide they can’t handle you anymore, then I will have to ask you to leave.” Then proceed to set some ground house rules that you and your roommates already follow. Like “if you use it, you wash it” etc. If she is still noisy, go through with your warning and kick her out. Next time, if there is a next time, she won’t make the same mistake again, guaranteed.

Dog's avatar

How is she getting in?

Does she have a key?

Do you open the door?

If she has a key change the lock. If she rings do not answer. She is not paying rent and yours is not a flophouse. Find your boundaries and do not let yourself be USED.

Facade's avatar

Don’t have house guests in the first place.

juniper's avatar

@Dog, well, she’s a friend, so I don’t want to physically bar her from the house.

tinyfaery's avatar

I disagree with you not telling her that you find her behavior unacceptable. Why should you suffer in silence? Tell her you do not appreciate her behavior, that you feel like she isn’t respecting you or your roommates, and if she doesn’t clean up her act you will no longer let her stay at your house. She is taking advantage of you.

chyna's avatar

You are probably still young enough to think she is a friend. As you get older, you will realize friends do not treat other people and their belongings disrespectfully.

Facade's avatar

@chyna GA. Although I disagree with the age thing.

chyna's avatar

@Facade You are right. Age knows no bounds to being disrespectful to others.

Facade's avatar

very true.

RedPowerLady's avatar

How about when she cooks walk right in there and ask her to clean the dishes.
When she starts strewing stuff across the house ask her to go pick it up.
When she comes in at 2am get out of bed and tell her to be quiet.
That’s the direct approach. She’ll probably get a bit annoyed with it but she will get the point if you are more direct about things. And ask her to do it right then and there. Just stand around and wait as if you need this done.
And when she does it say “great, thanx so much, i really appreciate it”.

Just a thought. Don’t know if it is a great one. I was one of the messy ones.

charliecompany34's avatar

cook dinner for yourself and nobody else. matter of fact, cook all your meals for just you alone. get rid of the liquor or hide it. turn off the heat. turn off the AC. make your home uncomfortable on all fronts. when the comforts of home are gone, people eventually leave.

cookieman's avatar

@juniper: Not sure if you’re a boy or girl, but either way…grow a set.

She’s clearly not a friend in the true sense of the word.

The fact that you said you could bite your tongue, but for your roomate’s sake tells me you don’t feel your worth respecting.

Well guess what? You are!

I have a new word for you: “NO!” Try it out on this piece of work.

Darwin's avatar

I would tend to simply say that this isn’t a good time. If she persists, then tell her how you and your roommates feel and suggest a nice but inexpensive hotel. Then stand your ground.

If you choose to let her stay but stand over her constantly to get her to obey the house rules you would be doing her a favor in the long run as she didn’t learn that stuff from her parents (although they may have tried to teach her). However, being a parent is exhausting and in fact you aren’t her parent.

She sounds rather too self-centered to really be your friend.

susanc's avatar

Talk it over with the housemates. When she shows up again, tell her the three of you can’t let her back in, she’s too disruptive. Then go out for lunch with her. Have fun. She’s your friend. But she doesn’t belong in your household (or mine).

Disc2021's avatar

I would say it’s time for an intervention.

You dont have to be rude about it – but rudeness and firmness are two different things. Just politely tell her that it’s either she minds her manners and respects your house while she’s around or she’s going to have to look for another place to stay. Explain that not only is it unfair to you, but your roommates as well to deal with her inconsiderate behavior.

I’m a man of second-chances, so if she promised to keep it clean while she was over I’d let her back in. But after that, I say you would be perfectly understood by giving her the boot on the spot.

Jeruba's avatar

Point her to the nearest Motel 6.

juniper's avatar

Thanks to everyone who was willing to offer advice in a polite, respectful way. As a sensitive person, I really appreciate this kind of conversation.

Anyway, it’s helpful for me to see that I wasn’t blowing things out of proportion. I’m working on a solution, now.

cookieman's avatar

@juniper: If nothing else, be assured your instincts were right on. Best of luck with this.

cwilbur's avatar

The key to your problem is this: “She’s not visiting me, she’s just staying with me while she flits about.” She’s treating you like a free hotel, not a friend. Asking—no, telling—her not to stay there anymore is the first thing you should do.

If you need a suggestion: “Look, the last time you were here I asked you to be quiet when you came in and to clean up after yourself. You didn’t. I’m afraid this really irritated me and my roommates, and so we really can’t extend you the hospitality of our couch and kitchen if this is how you treat us.”

cookieman's avatar

^^ exactly ^^

susanc's avatar

With regard to cwilbur’s civil suggestion: Don’t use the words “if this is how you treat us”. It IS how she treats you. You asked her to change. She didn’t. It’s your move.

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