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libbinogurl's avatar

How can I get my parents to trust me to have a boyfriend?

Asked by libbinogurl (96points) May 5th, 2009

My Parents are ultra strict and say I cant have a BF till Im 18. I think this is a bit OTT. I am a good teenager (15) I dont drink or smoke or sneak out, I do my homework and pass all subjects at school and help around the house, but my parents seem to think I have no self control and that I cant handle a BF and that I will get pregnant. How can I convince them I am mature and sensible enough to have a BF? All I want to do is go to the movies with this person and hang around in public places, not completely alone. Is this reasonable? Thanks :)

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36 Answers

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lisaj89's avatar

Have you given your parents a reason to think that you have no self control? Do they allow you to go the movies and such with groups of friends? If so, just ask the special person to go with y’all.

MrGV's avatar

Get pregnant.

cak's avatar

@Ivan – pretty ignorant comment, there. I’ve known people that deny their children the right to date and guess what….they were atheists! Strict parenting rules in all religions and non-religions.

I would, respectably and responsibly suggest you ask for examples of when you have lost control and truly ask what is behind this strict belief. I am a believer in rules, but I think it does you no good to wait until you are heading off to college to say, “OK, now you can date!” I’ve seen too many teenagers lose focus on why they are really in college. My husband and I have a “graduated” plan for my daughter’s dating. She earns more rights as she earns our trust.

Basically, though, your parents can tell you no and that is that.

Facade's avatar

@lisaj89 Some parents just assume those things about their child.

@OP: I’m not suggesting you do this, but I just started dating whenever I wanted, and left my parents to deal with their feelings themselves. Kinda like shock therapy. I have no good advice for your situation unfortunately

Ivan's avatar

@cak You’re right. I forgot that individual cases invalidated trends.

libbinogurl's avatar

Thing is, I cant just go out and date anyway. I have consequences and I dont want to ruin their trust. I havent done anything to my knowledge that would make them Think i have no control, they let me go with friends, but it seems they think ALL boys are just want to have sex, but theres a handful that arent like that. Im a christian and so is the person who I would like to date so doing that sort of thing before marriage is against our morals anyway.

Facade's avatar

Good for you for trying to “honor your parents.” Try to explain to them that you don’t intend to break their trust. Maybe let em meet the guy and get a feel for where his head is at as well.

libbinogurl's avatar

Yea that could be a good idea. I want to PROVE to them that I would never do anything stupid, but they always say: Temptation is hard to resist when your inlove with someone etc etc :P arggh

libbinogurl's avatar

oh, and @mrgenevan, no way in hell Im getting pregnant! what the heck.

cak's avatar

@Ivan – you’re right. Believe whatever you want to believe. It’s only the crazy Christians that could possibly think this way. I don’t spend my time trying to convince people to think a little more broadminded than just to blame one group or another. I forgot, though…it’s free season on people of faith.

@libbinogurl – sounds like that have prepared themselves with every reason possible to say no. I’m a parent, my daughter asked to have the guy she liked, over for dinner and to play video games. Now, he comes over often – never in a room…and frequently checked on. She’s 15 – we’re pretty much against dating (but will allow some group dances and possibly a group date – here and there.) At 16, we will allow dating – within certain boundaries.

The only thing you can do, it to talk to your parents.

libbinogurl's avatar

Yea I have tried but maybe in my frustration I say the wrong things, They are IMPOSSIBLE sometimes! we arent ‘crazy christians’ lol my parents CLAIM they just dont want me to get hurt (emotionally)

cak's avatar

@libbinogurl – You doubt that? The fact that they don’t want you to get hurt? To me, it sounds less like the “Cazy Christian” thing, more like overprotective.

As a parent, you never want to see your children in a position where they could get hurt. I would take the simplest of papercuts, if I could. I can’t, though. It happens and it is painful to see them go through things. By overprotecting you, they can actually stunt your emotional and social growth. you aren’t fully learning how to deal with conflict, only to avoid conflict. At any time, have you given them any reason to doubt your sincerity or the fact that you just want a bit more freedom.

I don’t know if I missed something, but are you allowed to go out with friends?

jrpowell's avatar

Can you make it a group outing? Six of my friends want to go to the movie sounds better. You don’t have to sit with those friends at the movie.

You sound like a smart young adult. Things will work itself out.

libbinogurl's avatar

Yea I am allowed to go with friends

libbinogurl's avatar

I just talked to my mum and she said that maybe my dad can explain it better, or maybe he has something we can compramise on, I told her that I think she doesnt trust me etc, but shes very very hard to convince because she once trusted my older brother in a similar situation and he blew it so shes very suspecious which is understandable. I just want them to trust me to have a BF within boundries, but my mum seems to think I will disobey the rules? I know I can do it and I wouldnt dream of taking trust for granted.

cak's avatar

@libbinogurl – You know – I was in your shoes, a long time ago. My sister was seen as the rebel and broke a lot of the rules, so they became super strict parents, with me. It was like i was being punished. It might take some time, but you need to remind her that you are not your brother, you are their daughter.

I’ve really been down that road. PM me if you want to hear more. Best of luck.

libbinogurl's avatar

sorry, im not very technical, PM??

Lupin's avatar

It means “Private Message” me. Click on cak’s name. It will open a window where you can write something . Make sure to check the “private” box. (Don’t worry, cak is very nice and not a stalker.) She/he paid me $20 to write that.

My advice- dress conservatively.

aprilsimnel's avatar

My aunt was strict. It wasn’t so much that she didn’t trust me, per se. She didn’t think that I was capable of fending off an amorous young man. She didn’t trust the boys.

Perhaps it’s not you. Perhaps they don’t trust young men. Many parents believe that young men cannot be expected to control themselves around a young lady they find physically attractive.

Is there any way your parents would be willing to meeting the young man you would like to date so they can see that he’d treat you respectfully?

Judi's avatar

I would bet (weather you know about it or not) that one of your parents got in some sort of trouble when they were teenagers. They are projecting their own fears and failures onto you.. They are just afraid. They’re human and want to protect you from their own mistakes. Have they given you an age that dating will be OK? 16 used to be the standard age.

skfinkel's avatar

This is often more of a parent problem then a teenager problem. They might have had no control when they were teenagers (or feared their own passions). So, they think, why should you be different.

However, teens who are given respect, knowledge, and trust will do better in the long run than those who are fearful and worried and ignorant.

If there is a counselor that you three could talk with, I would try that (maybe a private person who is really unbiased) and see if you can work out some kind of reasonable solution. Otherwise, it’s going to be a very long three years for all of you.

purplelow's avatar

interduce the kid you like as a friend first and let them get to no him… after a while ask them what they think of him and if it goes over well then tell your parents that you like him see what they say the worst thing there going to say is no and then theres plenty of more fish in the sea.

cak's avatar

@Lupin I thought we agreed $15 was enough. Okay, you’re worth the extra $5. ;)

libbinogurl's avatar

Yea I think I’ll wait if this guy will actually ask me and out and if and when he does I’ll try talking to them again. Damn I hope they let me.

libbinogurl's avatar

oh and they werent out of control teenagers when they were young its just how they trusted my brother and he blew it big time. Now hes messed it all up for me arrggh!

bright_eyes00's avatar

honestly? dont do it. focus on finding out who you are. guys only muck up the equation and then you look back years later and wonder “what was i thinking?!” spend your time right now working out who you are and understanding more about yourself. how do you expect to ever have an enriching relationship with someone if you dont even know who you are? just my opinion. good luck

Lupin's avatar

Listen to @bright_eyes00 . Guys make everything more complicated. Your job now is to do as well as you can in school. It really will affect the rest of your life.
Your parents will come around eventually. In the meantime, keep your pants pulled up, your top on, and start dating when you’re thirty. ;-)
My kids didn’t listen to my advice either.

libbinogurl's avatar

@bright_eyes00 ummm OK….I do know who am? I never said I didnt lol I know EXACTLY who I am and I ‘understand’ myself lol thanks. @Lupin, I was never planning to get my pants or top off!! :P I have morals lol

bright_eyes00's avatar

@libbinogurl All i’m saying is that I was in your shoes. i wanted to date and i grew up in a mormon family so you had to wait until sixteen. so i argued and all that but they didnt give. i made some big mistakes and put too much of myself into a guy and got really hurt. so all i’m saying is that its taken me several years to look back at what i’m done and seeing how i reacted then looking at myself now and realizing that i really didnt know what i was doing. i erased that desire to have a guy to make me whole and in doing so i discovered a lot about myself and what i really need.

let me rephrase that question at the end of my paragraph: how do you expect to ever have an enriching relationship with someone if you dont even know who you REALLY are?. just that its easier to learn more about yourself when you focus in the right place. thats all i’m saying

libbinogurl's avatar

Dont worry I can tell when a guys a good one or not, and I dont take any crap from anyone. I dont really feel the need to discover myself or any of that because i already know whats important in my life and what to focus on and what Im going to do in the future, But thanks for your concern :)

bright_eyes00's avatar

Good on you then! Thats really important especially when you’re getting ready to graduate from high school if you have your priorities stragiht. Well GOOD LUCK! and i hope things work out for the best. :)

libbinogurl's avatar

well… My parents have decided to let my have a BF, within boundaries and with rules of course, but still.. Mission Accomplished!

amysymone's avatar

My parents don’t trust me and are VERY HARD on me. I’m like the girl who created the question. I feel unloved. You might disagree with me because i am 11. It’s not really fair. I can’t even stay in a house by myself like the 5th graders can! What should i do?

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