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Sariperana's avatar

Would you tell a girl that her boyfriend cheated on her with you?

Asked by Sariperana (1442points) May 6th, 2009

I have been in love with a guy since the moment i saw him 3 years ago. it was a shit beginning, and we lost contact, but i never got over it. we became friends (sometimes lovers) again after that, our friends, etc. i found out 6 months ago that he had a girlfriend for 2 of the three years that i had known him, but he had kept it secret from me. I told him everything, how i felt and all the rest and finally told him that i needed to have him out of my life. since then, i was relieved, but empty. last weekend i ran into him, and he told me how much he missed me, that i was beautiful to him. i went home with him, delirous, it was everything that i wanted to hear. in the morning he tol me that he was not going to leave his g/f. i am so lost and so confused, i want to stand up and get angry, but i can only be at myself, i want him to not be the person that he so clearly is (i cant see it) i want to react but dont know how. im sick of holding my tounge and breath for the shiit to hit the fan.

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23 Answers

EmpressPixie's avatar

Wouldn’t you have wanted someone to tell you he’d had a girlfriend—who wasn’t you—all along? She won’t appreciate it and she might not believe you, but I think you should tell her. Even if she doesn’t believe you, it will open her eyes a little. She’ll see for herself soon enough.

Don’t do it out of anger though, or as some sort of revenge. If you can, get in touch with her, tell her you need to talk to her over coffee or something. Be gentle and explain the situation. She probably won’t thank you. Or be very nice.

cwilbur's avatar

What do you think the outcome of telling her will be?

You’re probably fantasizing that she’ll dump him and he’ll decide to be with you forever.

In fact, it’s probably going to be more like an ugly screaming match in public, followed by him losing interest in you because you’re no longer his dirty little secret on the side.

oratio's avatar

Hard to say. I think I understand your feelings, but I think maybe you should just let it go. I don’t think she would thank you. You are one experience richer, and that’s all I think.

Sariperana's avatar

Haha awesome, i do feel like a dirty little secret, but i hate it and i dont want to be! there are no fantasies here, im not deluded enough to want to have him for a boyfriend myself though – anymore. I dont know what the outcomes will be, hence the hesitation and joining a forum for advice – im lost!

Les's avatar

I was in a similar situation and I chose not to tell the girl. The way I saw it, unless she and I were friends to begin with, it wasn’t my secret to tell. I figured I had already done enough damage, so I just ended everything and let him tell her (or not).

Sariperana's avatar

thats 3 telling me no! i did end everything 6 months ago, but we ran into each other and it happened all over again. i live in a smaller city, so not a day goes by where you dont rnu into someone. I will see him again :(

cwilbur's avatar

I didn’t tell you not to. I asked you what you thought the outcome would be.

If you think the outcome is likely to be something positive, tell her. If you don’t, don’t.

Sariperana's avatar

Obviously the answer to that would be a negative outcome then if my subconcious read it as a no.

May2689's avatar

Do not tell her. Its not your posicion, you dont even know the girl! And stop meeting him because you are only doing damage to yourself and others. So what if you live in a small city? Dont meet him!

emilia_eclaire's avatar

Explore your motivations. Are you telling her because she deserves to know, or do you harbor a secret hope that this will free him to be with you (and really, he doesn’t sound like such a prize). Make a point to get over this guy soon. If you start exploring, someone else WILL come along.

btko's avatar

I think you should tell her. I don’t think it has to be face to face if you don’t want to – send an anonymous letter if you want.

chyna's avatar

He’s not a good person, dating one girl for all to see and using you as a booty call. It obviously distresses you to be used that way, so stop falling for his lines. If you think you must tell her, then wait awhile until you know you aren’t doing it for revenge, but to truly open her eyes to what a dog he is.

Judi's avatar

She will figure it out soon enough if she doesn’t already know. I think you have been stuck in the middle of their relationship long enough. If she seeks you out and asks you, don’t lie, but don’t go out of your way to tell her. Make a clean and honorable break.

elijah's avatar

This guy is shitty. You didn’t know he had a gf so don’t beat yourself up over it. There’s no point in telling her. Chances are she already knows but is too afraid to leave him. Work on strengthening yourself to never fall for his lines again. The best revenge is taking what you learned and use it to improve your life.

softtop67's avatar

So you know he has a gf and yet you sleep with him anyway?
What are you trying to accomplish by telling her? Make her feel better or you?

wundayatta's avatar

If you tell her, he’ll just say you’re a jealous former girlfriend or a crazy woman trying to ruin their relationship. He’ll say it isn’t true.

I don’t know how you prove something like that, so I don’t think it’s worth doing. If you do it, don’t do it anonymously, if you want to be believed. An anonymous email is so easy to dismiss. People do all kinds of crazy and stupid things. Even if you do it in person, if he’s as slick as you say he is, she won’t believe you.

Don’t waste your time. Get on with your life.

flameboi's avatar

just stay away from the guy, you don’t need to ruin his current relationship, just let it go, you’ll find someone else :)

skfinkel's avatar

This sounds like lots of trouble. Pick yourself up, don’t talk to him anymore. If you are telling the girl to warn her, that is one thing. If you are telling her to punish him or hope to get this guy back, don’t bother. And from what I have seen, warnings don’t matter much to people—they will see what they want to see. They need to have their own experience to learn something.

So, all you can really deal with is yourself, and your own self respect. Leave the situation. Find someone else to love. No one needs to be treated so badly.

ems's avatar

This guy must be really hot. And his friends probably think he is awesome at banging chicks. Not to be crude or anything, but I think that sums up who this guy is.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Tell the girl, if you care about another potentially decent human being getting hurt. It’s the right thing to do.

bright_eyes00's avatar

Tell her. He’ll just keep hurting people and you’ve felt the pain, would you really wish that on another? And even if he did leave her and got with you, what would stop him from treating you the way he treats his current girlfriend? who knows how many other girls he’s leading on.

if i were his girlfriend i would want to know. its the right thing to do. good luck

thesparrow's avatar

This guy is a complete dirtbag, I hate men like this.. those who think they can have their cake and eat it too (i.e. the security of a committed relationship and something ‘on the side’). Get out of one relationship if you love someone more than another person. If not, sit down and think about your feelings, what you value, who you don’t want to hurt, etc..

thesparrow's avatar

Also, the fact that he is keeping this secret from both you and the girlfriend doesn’t show he has much of a moral backbone.

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