Have you ever seen or experienced a major FAIL?

This morning, I spent 45 mins trying to put my contact lenses in, until I realized that I already had a pair in.

Couple mornings ago, my wife is running around like a nut trying to get out the door to her new job. Can’t find her iPhone ::freaking out::. After twenty minutes she gives up and heads out the door without it.

Five minutes after she pull away, my six-year-old daughter casually walk past me on her way to her playroom. “Here ya go” she says as she places my wife’s iPhone on the table and keeps walking.

In high school, my best friend was toying with a sheet of paper, gliding it across a table, wondering why it would slide so frictionlessly. I pointed out it was because there was air underneath it.
He lifted the sheet to see if I was right.

FAIL! @ all the above

when I was 11 or so, been many fails since then me and a few of my friends were riding out bikes around and there were these girls in a car in the parking lot we were in. They were all waving and such. I tried to look all swavve like only an 11 year old could. Popped a wheely, pulled it back too far, flipped it, landed on my back with my bike on top of me…. Epic Fail….

I have been told, “if it were a snake it would have bit ya” and “If you’re head weren’t screwed on you would loose it” to many times to count!

Just the other day I was already late for work and was going nuts trying to find my company issued uniform cap. I looked EVERYWHERE, couldn’t find it, said fuck it I just won’t wear it and headed out to my truck. There it was, on the passenger seat. FAIL.

I slip/trip and fall. A lot. On various surfaces. Dirt. pavement. Ice. Even sand.

I’ve also run into several poles. Definite Fail.

When I was 15 I was heavy into skateboarding. Summers were spent at either the skate park or the half pipe we all built on a dead end street at the edge if town.

Toward the end of summer a van pulls up to the half pipe and out comes a movie crew from France shooting a documentary on skateboarding in America.

They tell us to just ignore them. My next turn up I miss the mark and do a major face plant, skidding across asphalt, tearing open my shirt.

Somewhere in France I am famous for performing the worlds most painful striptease ever captured on film.

I’ve both seen and experienced many. Most recently, I was in Vegas in February, and I saw this woman….she met the definition of the stereotypical 50something, pudgy midwestern tourist (which I face facts here, if I were 15–20 years older, I would too), we’re walking on the north side of Las Vegas Blvd, just past the Bellagio Fountains and crossing the street over to Caesar’s, when this woman, in the middle of the street, does a total faceplant, which seems to knock the wind right out of her, as her “ever so helpful” friends struggle to get her up before the light changes, and her pride won’t let her accept assistance (claiming to be “alright” while taking a good 30 seconds to get off the ground.

One I did not witness first hand, but my wife has told me about, a friend of ours, who was friends with my wife since grade school, basically recreated the opening scene of the short lived early 90s TV show, Get a Life, where Chris Elliot is riding his bike, delivering newspapers, and right at the end of the theme song, he crashes the front wheel of his bike into the bumper of a parked car and goes flying over the hood. Apparently this friend did exactly that in 6th grade, wasn’t paying attention, riding her bike, and BAM, right into a parked car. I guess this same friend in high school, when she and my wife were at a party where a joint was being passed, she took her one and only toke, and managed to set her hair on fire ala Michael Jackson (though not quite as bad).

But yes, I personally have had many fails as well. Just one example, my house is built on a street that is a good story higher than the alley behind the house. So, to get down to my garage, and to the area where I keep my garbage can, I have to descend about 20 wooden steps, which is OK most of the time. But I live in Minnesota, so for about 3 months out of the year, the steps tend to get quite treacherous, because we have this nasty snow, melt, freezing rain, more snow, more melting, then more snow cycle…very inconsistent in the beginning of the winter season and it’s all I can do just to keep our sidewalks passable, I simply don’t have the time or stamina to keep those steps completely snow and ice free, because every time I shovel snow, next thing you know we get some melting and it rolls down those steps and turns to a glaze, then it snows again and packs down and it’s 10 below zero and you just can’t get the ice off.

So, each winter, the 2 to 3 times a week I have to bring the garbage down is always a challenge. I usually hang onto the neighbor’s fence for half the trip and a dogwood tree growing alongside the steps for the other half, and go VERY slowly. But one time, both my feet came out from under me, I felt like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel, I flew in the air and landed on my tailbone on the steps, as garbage rained down upon me. I took it all in stride though….after a couple hours I told my wife, “I must have landed harder than I thought,” and when she said, “why”, I said, ” because there’s a huge crack in my ass.”

The other epic one my wife tells everyone when she wants embarrass me…I needed to install a new light fixture, and to do so, I needed to turn out the power to the room in which I was working. Being that I was working full time and this was winter and it was early in the week and I didn’t want to wait till the weekend, I attempted to do it on a weeknight, which meant it was dark. Also strangely enough, this room, which is in the upstairs of my house, is on the same circuit as the basement, skipping over the entire main level. So, I used a bunch of candles to give me enough light to install the fixture (as I couldn’t find a flashlight). When it was in, I needed to go to the basement to throw the fuse, but it was pitch dark down there, and as I said, I had no flashlight. Boom, I slipped on the first step, roll down the steps (and I’m a big guy so it sounded pretty gruesome), my glasses went flying off my head, and I just laid there hollering for help. My wife laughed her ass off at the sight of me laying on the floor at the bottom of the steps, feeling around frantically for my glasses, shouting “help, help”.

I was looking for my glasses for a while and finally gave up. I looked in the mirror and they were on top of my head. TOO MUCH GEL MAKES A HARD SHELL

One afternoon, I was getting ready to run some errands with my kids. I had them in the car, buckled and strapped into their seats, before I realized I’d left the keys in the house. We had a minivan at the time, and I left the big side door open while I ran back for the keys. I bounded up the two steps to the front porch, tripped over my own big feet, and fell so that I whacked the side of my head on the stone front of the house (it’s a really small porch). All I could do was sit up for a minute to make sure I wasn’t damaged, while my kids were staring at me from the van, not sure if they should laugh.

I once attempted to back out of the garage without opening the garage door. I was in high school, and my dad still hasn’t let me forget about it.

I rear-ended a boyfriend while following him to a friend’s house. Same boyfriend loaned me his truck once while he was out of town, and I accidentally scraped the side of the truck against a car while trying to park.

I was once walking through the grocery store, looking for a cart, with a baby on my hip and a toddler holding my hand. Toddler sees lollipops, starts screaming when I say no, and throws himself straight back in a temper tantrum. Without even thinking, I pull up on his arm so he doesn’t crack his head on the floor. Ten minutes later we’re at the pediatrician’s office, having his dislocated elbow reset. It’s actually a common injury called nursemaid’s elbow, but I thought I’d broken his arm. I still feel terrible, and this was three and a half years ago!

My cousin had a really cool Pee Wee Herman type bike, He was riding it one evening and not looking where he was going. He ran into a parked car. He flew over the handle bars and some how in the process got a big jagged cut on his “junk”. It was torn up so bad my aunt had to take him to the ER for stitches. He was about 13 at the time and quite mortified. Of course, we all found it quite hilarious.

My son decided to jump on the hood of his sisters boyfriends car. The boyfriend drove about 5 feet then stopped. When he stopped my son went flying off the car, getting the biggest bump I have ever seen on a persons head. must have been the size of a baseball.
They both got tickets because the Emergency room called the police.

I recently knocked down and ran over the front wheel of my bicycle in one swift motion as I backed my car out of the garage.

I backed into the seadoos’ in a brand new Jag. Stupid move.

They happen with such frequency that I block them out of my mind and out of memory as soon as they occur.

I watched a huge tree fall on a BMW Monday night. I was very glad nobody was hurt, because it was awesome.

@Mamradpivo That reminds me! I saw a big ol bull mastiff poop inside of an Escalade once. I was leaving this ice cream place, and passed by the car in the parking lot, and just happened to look over and see it happen.

I was all, ” D:” and honestly felt bad for the owner of the vehicle, and for the dog.

@Mamradpivo That would be an EPIC FAIL. How in hell could THAT happen?

@3or4monsters Oh, my gosh that was my car! You saw that. ; )

As a young college intern on a job, I heartily congratulated a woman on her “pregnancy” that consisted of belly fat which sat conspicuously in her lower abdomen. In front of her boss and 10 other people.

So much fail.

FAIL!

I have so many. The first one I remember was at my elementary school graduation. I was fairly new to the school, overweight, self-concious, and very shy. I received the award for girl with the highest grades and won a $50 savings bond. We were up on stage and the principal was on the floor so I had to walk down some steps. I fell off the steps in front of my whole class and all of their parents. I just seemed to turn toward the principal and walk sideways right off the 2nd or 3rd step like I was in a daze. The principal said, “I don’t usually have girls falling at my feet!” I, along with several of the other students, had taped the ceremony onto cassette’s with our boomboxes so it was replayed over and over and over.

I can think of at least two other extremely embarrassing falls – one in middle school and one in high school. Steps are my nemesis.

Too many. This one actually happened at work and I thought it was pretty funny.

All the relatives were in town for a gathering. I volunteered to take the kids to McD’s. Since I was going to stay in the car while they went inside, the motor was running, but I had to get out briefly to help the littlest one out. I closed my door just as one of the older kids pushed the lock and closed his door.(After his sister got out)

I called a locksmith to come over and open the door, explaining it was an emergency because the motor was running. He didn’t want to come because there was a huge sports game on, but for double the price he grudgingly came over, with the game on his radio.

I witness FAIL here every day!

When I was about 12, I lived in a small town. When it snowed, they cleared the main street and piled all the snow over this sidewalk at the top of a hill. February thaw, can’t wait to get my bike out and go riding. Friend Charlie and I start to jump over the top of the big pile of snow. What fun! let’s do it again!

“Hey Charlie! We haven’t been over that spot yet!”
Charlie said, “I wouldn’t, there’s a straight drop off right there!”

I thought I’d have enough momentum to make it…

There he goes, building up speed as he approaches the snow pile. He hits the snow, his front wheel goes into the air, and comes down straddling the pile. He continues his forward motion, over the handlebars, pulls the bike after him, and lands nose-and-knuckles on the sidewalk.

FAIL!

@TitsMcGhee—For more daily fail, check out this site.

Just this week I was on the phone with PnL, and started freaking out because I couldn’t find my phone. I strip searched my bed and my entire desk, only to have her scream at me “TALI! You’re on the phone!”
Major fail.

@omfgTALIjustIMDu Thats just as bad as my fail. Wow!

@MacBean: Haha, that’s definitely already on my daily viewing list, along with Awkward Boners, Texts From Last Night, and Look at This Fucking Hipster.

@TitsMcGhee You are my hero right now. Seriously.

@essieness: Then I have achieved my goal :)

Probably my most epic fail happened when I was about 12

The small town I lived in had had an unusually late March snowfall, and the plows had piled all the snow in a vacant lot just off Main Street. It was a beautiful sunny March day, and the snow was melting, except for that snow pile. It covered the sidewalk going down to the railroad crossing, but that was OK, because nobody ever used that sidewalk anyway. The schools were out on Easter vacation (pre “PC” for “Spring Break”) and my friend Charlie and I were excited to get out on our bikes to ride and race all around town. We were headed to Thompson’s grocery store to get some pop and a snack when we saw the snowpile. We rode over the snowpile, and then turned around, riding back up the hill for another jump.

We did this for awhile, then I told Charlie I was going to jump over a part of the pile we had not tried yet.

“Don’t do it! there’s a 90 degree drop-off!” Charlie warned me.
“That’s nothing!” I scoffed. “By the time I get there I’ll be going fast enough to fly right past the drop-off.” Famous last words!

I started back about half a block. Starting slowly, I was soon pedaling as fast as my legs could propel my single-speed fat-tire Schwinn. My front wheel got to the snow! I pushed the pedal harder! Losing rear traction on the slushy pavement, I went up the side of the pile a lot more slowly than I had planned, and my front wheel reached the drop-off. As the front wheel proceeded to fall, the back wheel stuck on the up side of the pile, effective stopping the bike. Momentum, however, propelled me over the handlebars, pulling the bike with me. I was airborne, but instead of being on the bike, I was in front of the bike, and heading directly for the bare sidewalk, where I landed nose and knuckles!

When I came to, several seconds after impact, I could see all the stars in the universe! My head was throbbing, my nose was bleeding (from the outside and inside!), and Charlie enlisted the aide of a couple railroad workers to help me over to Thompson’s. Mrs. Thompson, a kindly grandmotherly type, applied first-aid and a free Coke.

^^There’s a FAIL right there—Answering the same question twice with essentially the same story! LOL

I thought that story felt familiar!

@Yetanotheruser Hahahaha! I’ve done that too!

FAIL!

@aprilsimnel LOL! I deserve the cheese!