General Question

blaksquid's avatar

How do i change my wifes mind on divorce?

Asked by blaksquid (71points) May 7th, 2009

my wife told me a few days ago that she wanted a divorce to my face. I packed up all my things and left. I am totally devastated at this moment. But here’s the kicker….she’s now denying that she ever said “divorce”. She’s making it look like to everybody else that I just had enough and walked out. Which is farther from the truth! I do not want to loose my wife or get divorced. Does anybody have any advice for me, a strategy to get her back?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

20 Answers

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

What did you do to her for her to be acting this way? Sorry you’re going through this.

oratio's avatar

Sorry to hear that. Is she having second thoughts or is she malevolent?

Only thing that comes to mind is telling her the truth. Just what you said really. You love her and want to save the marriage. Tell her you will do anything to make it work. Maybe she wants to shake you up, to get a change. Tell her it’s working.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Why do you want to go back? I mean sure you love her, but she hurt you by saying that to you and then turned it around on you to make everyone take her side. I dont know just seems like something i wouldn’t want to go back to.

Stanley's avatar

Get off the computer and go into couples counseling.

SuperMouse's avatar

Your only hope is to talk to her. You must communicate and find out where her mind is, preferably in the presence of a couples counselor.

cak's avatar

I don’t know how you can convince her not to get divorced, but I would suggest counseling, if she will agree.

Here’s my problem, though. First, she wants the divorce, but she’s ready to “blame” you, publicly. In private she can tell you exactly what she wants, in public, it’s all about her image. What is going on? Seriously? Something is a bit odd. Before the huge declaration of wanting the divorce, what was going on? Does she really respect you if she’s fine with lying about the situation? I don’t know about you, but that’s not really something I need or want in my live. Respect, yeah, I can live without it…nope, not in my book!

Communication and counseling are key, but I think it’s time to really sit down and look at the big picture.

Madd's avatar

if you dont wanna be without her, you will go home and tell her your not going anywhere. that way if she decides to leave its on her. if you dont want to be with her then you should tell her, and calmly work it out together.

YARNLADY's avatar

See also the answers here

YARNLADY's avatar

Move back home and get some counseling.

charliecompany34's avatar

i agree with yarnlady.

wundayatta's avatar

What has happened to get you to this point? It’s so hard to say anything meaningful without understanding more about the relationship. In the end, though, it’s a counsellor you’ll need to be saying this in front of. Hopefully, with your wife.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

This is a common tactic, especially in tight families. I’ve seen this very thing happen up close and personal where the one spouse was loathe to lose face to the family and figured putting the blame on the other would make the whole splitting up more palatable to us since the other was an “outsider”. What they didn’t count on and didn’t realize is most of us had great respect and love for the “outsider”, we kept them and disowned the family member. Big huge mess that backfired on spouse number one.

Your wife making this move shows you no love, shows malice, lack of common courtesy, disrespect to family & friends and extreme selfishness. Why would you want that back?

chyna's avatar

How did she get you to pack everything and leave? Laws in some states will be on the side of the person residing in the home. If you can get back to the house, do so. If you do get a divorce, things will be more equally divided.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Yea, chyna is right. My mom is going through this right now, if one person leaves the house they can call abandonment on the other and get the rights to keeping the house and whatever.

cak's avatar

@chyna excellent question and point.

Darwin's avatar

This reminds me of my brother’s divorce from wife #2. She demanded the divorce, told everyone it was all his fault that he was a terrible husband, and then it turned out she had been having an affair for the previous two years. Still today she attempts to put the blame for everything on him but finally at least some people believe him over her.

The only thing that would possibly help you and your wife would be counseling, both couples counseling and possibly individual counseling, so each of you can begin to understand your own motivations.

Jack79's avatar

Move back in. If she pretends to never have said “divorce”, then pretend never to have heard it (or say you thought you misheard it). And sorry to say this, but just to be on the safe side, make sure you record your conversations from now on. I wish I’d recorded all of ours. My daughter would be safe now if I had.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@blaksquid I didn’t see your question before. Just let me know if you figure something out.. maybe it will work for me and my wife too. I will do the same. (feeble grin)

blaksquid's avatar

Thank you everybody for your advice. Just a followup: we went to our first counseling session last week and it was a nightmare. It wasn’t till a couple of days afterwards that she told me she wanted a divorce. She wouldn’t talk to me in person only by text and email. After she told me she wanted a divorce, I started to make arrangements to live elsewhere only to find out from her that she couldn’t understand why I was moving? This relationship has been very hard and very onesided from the getgo. My friends and family have been telling me to “run” and get out asap. There was never any kind of affection from her or “hey its good to see you” kind of stuff when we lived together. I’ve been nothing but loving and supportive to her kids. The children’s faces always lighted up when I picked them up from school. The told me they loved me all the time. I know I deserve better and only wanted to be loved by her. But she says everything that is wrong with our relationship is my fault and that there are changes that I need to make, not the other way around. I’ve tried to explain to her that relationships don’t work like that but to no avail. I guess she thinks she made a mistake and wanted me to be passive and just let her walk all over me. I’m a laid back type of guy, with a huge heart and a great sense of humor, but I won’t let anyone walk all over me. All that being said, I do hope that maybe she’ll change her mind and see things in her life that have to change. If not, then I guess as hard as it will be and is at the moment I just have to move on. Thanks again!

Jack79's avatar

At the risk of getting flamed by all the divorced women here on fluther (ie 90% of the population of this site), I’d say there’s a reason why this woman is not still with her first husband. You seem like a great guy and I’m sure you’ll find someone better than her that will appreciate you. Your friends are right: run.

(to me this sounds very different from Natural’s case)

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther