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Jayne's avatar

What does one do when two people ask one to prom?

Asked by Jayne (6771points) May 8th, 2009

Let me describe the people involved. The first I have known since middle school. I was a total dick back then, but over the past couple of years we have become friends. We hang out in sculpture club and sometimes walk home together, but aside from that we have only met each other outside of school a couple of times. She has never expressed any romantic interest in me, and has hormonal issues which, she says, make her not inclined to anything of the sort towards anyone. When she asked me, she basically presented it as, “Prom is an important part of the high school experience, and it would be a shame not to go, so, wanna go?” But, it is quite possible that she was making it sound more casual then she felt, because while she is not at all reserved around friends, she is shy about making new friends and, I suspect, about trying to move a friendship to another level. I was kind of caught off guard, but the way she asked didn’t seem to demand an immediate response, so I just said I’d think about it, make sure I don’t have anything scheduled, etc.

The second person sits next to me in one of my classes, and we chat whenever we see each other around school. Again, I never knew that she had any interest in me (either girls come awfully sly these days, or I’m just clueless), but today one of her friends, who I know about equally well, gave me a bag of cookies and a note asking me to come (this was right before an AP test, and I had been gone for other tests all week, so she couldn’t have seen me in person). I told the messenger-friend that I would have to think about it, and that I had been asked by someone else and would have to sort things out before I could reply. I am well aware that many people go to Prom as a social rather than a romantic event, and might have assumed that such was the case here, but after the test, the friend asked me again what my response would be, kind of nervously, and then said that the girl had been wanting to ask me for a while, but didn’t have the courage, and that it meant a lot to her for me to go.

Which puts me in quite a sticky situation. I had absolutely no intentions of going to prom, and the event itself is not at all important to me. I don’t have any particular romantic attractions to either of these girls, but I am no less attracted to them than anyone else; basically, I never had any intention of being in a relationship with anyone, so I never fixed my affections on any one person (except asmonet, of course). I am more concerned with dealing with the situation such that I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
So, anyone feel like helping me through this teenage emotional angst and drama?

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29 Answers

Ivan's avatar

Don’t go with either of them. Just say you don’t want to go.

AstroChuck's avatar

I think I’ve seen that Brady Bunch episode.

chyna's avatar

I can’t really tell if you want to go or not. If you really don’t want to go, it’s a lot of money to spend on something you aren’t that interested in.

Jayne's avatar

@chyna; I would enjoy spending the time with either of these people, but of course the prom itself is not necessary for that. It’s just that, given that both of these people specifically asked me to prom, and so it is presumably somewhat significant to them, I would feel kind of weird saying “no prom for you, wanna go out to eat?”.

SuperMouse's avatar

If you really don’t want to go to the prom then you should graciously decline both offers. I guess the question then becomes how to graciously decline. In the Brady Bunch episode to which Chuck refers, I am pretty certain Greg went the “something suddenly came up” route, and I do not think that is appropriate here. I think you are best to tell them both that you had not planned to attend the prom at all and that you honestly would rather sit this one out.

Blondesjon's avatar

You need to get your heretofore unknown twin cousin to take the needy one to the Prom. You take the second choice you described (sounds like that is who you’d rather go with anyway).Make sure that neither you nor your twin are in the same room at the same time and work out an elaborate and humorous set of signals to prevent this very thing from happening.

Make sure, at one point, that the two of you get your signals mixed and you end up with each other’s date. When this happens you both need to come to the realization that who you are with now is who you should have been with in the first place. Make sure you don’t share any of this with your dates until you are busted for your ruse, preferably after a table of snacks and punch has been knocked over.

i’m sorry. i meant to say which ever one is hotter

chyna's avatar

@Blondesjon It’s always about the looks with you isnt it? <giggle>

Sariperana's avatar

Hahaha you cant make everyone happy – so just focus on making yourself happy! if you dont want to go – then dont!

J0E's avatar

Ditch both of them, prom is dumb.

Ivan's avatar

how would you know

J0E's avatar

why do you think I didn’t go, best decision of my life

asmonet's avatar

Honestly, I’d make a list of pros and cons, figure out what your own intentions are and ask yourself of the two girls, who would you want to take if the roles were reversed. That’s the one you should go with.

asmonet's avatar

Also, I’m jealous and offended.
I would have gone with you.


Jayne's avatar

Would it be a bad idea to simply ask the first girl if this does actually mean anything to her? The plus side is that she may say no, which eliminates the problem, except for the fact that she could just be continuing the same pretense as before, while if she said that it does, I’m in the same situation, with the added problem that it is harder to back out.

jlm11f's avatar

I think you need to be honest with the girls and with yourself. If you are not interested in either, I wouldn’t lead them on by giving them that idea by saying yes. You can’t please both anyway, so it is a lose-lose situation. Tell them the truth: “I am really sorry. I like hanging out with you but I never had any intentions to go to prom and I want you to go with someone who will truly enjoy and cherish that experience. I feel really honored though that you thought of me as someone you would like to go with.”


Now if you do want to go with the second girl, which it definitely looks like you would be more interested in doing than with the first, then tell the first girl – “I am really sorry and I should have been straight with you from the start, but so and so already asked me to go with her. I would feel dishonest abandoning her to go with you since I already committed to going with her.” Again, only do this if you are actually interested in going. If you are honest with yourself, you will be able to keep the drama to a bare minimum.

AstroChuck's avatar

@Jayne- If I were a chick I would ask you out as well. Then what would you do? I mean now it’s three people.

And I’m easy!

Jayne's avatar

@AstroChuck; I’d totally just knock you up and then dump you for another girl.

AstroChuck's avatar

I feel so used.

augustlan's avatar

Does your statement fragment “basically, I never had any intention of being in a relationship with anyone, so I never fixed my affections on any one person” mean that you are absolutely not interested in either of these girls romantically? (also, as a side question… does that really mean never, with anyone?) If so, I wouldn’t go with either. I know of more than one instance where the parties entered the prom as “just friends” and exited as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Alternatively, if you are certain that neither of these girls is romantically interested in you, you could ask several more friends to attend and go with everyone as a group rather than as a date.

Bagardbilla's avatar

Since it’s all kinda casual, get a “strech” and ask them both to join you!!!
Win win

fireside's avatar

I don’t see any reason to ask Gril#1 if it is important to her. If it wasn’t important, then she wouldn’t have asked. But that is not to say that going specifically with you is as important as just going to prom.

It’s pretty clear that you are more interested in Girl#2, but I would be hesitant to go with someone who had a friend ask me twice and didn’t actually talk to me about it. That would make me think that she would spend most of the time at the prom talking to her friends and that you may be left sitting there feeling awkward or sharing small talk with the friend’s dates.

If you are not really going to enjoy yourself either way, then back out.
If you want to go with Girl#1 then tell Girl#2’s friend that you had to go with the person who asked you first.
If you want to go with Girl#2, then use PnL’s advice and tell Girl#1 that someone had already asked you and that you had finally decided to go instead of stay home.

cwilbur's avatar

You don’t seem to want to go to the prom. Don’t.

Your main reason to go seems to be because you think you’ll let down these girls. That’s a really poor reason to do something you aren’t especially interested in doing, especially if the person you think you’ll be letting down is only a casual acquaintance.

(In my high school the prom was a ridiculous event, with people competing to outspend and outdo each other in the frivolity of dresses and limousines. Nobody stayed longer than an hour, and everyone went off somewhere afterwards to get drunk. I didn’t, and still don’t, see the point.)

chyna's avatar

@cwilbur A couple of the mothers in my office have paid more for their daughter’s prom dress than I did for my entire wedding. It’s out of control.

wundayatta's avatar

I’m really curious as to how this will come out. I have no advice. I never went to a prom. My sense is that if it were two boys asking a girl, the girl would either go with the one that asked her first, if she’d already accepted, or with the one she liked best, if she hadn’t accepted the first. I’ve heard of girls dumping number one if she liked number two better.

This sounds like a kind of political issue to me. You sound like you want to hurt people as little as possible. I don’t know if it’s still a really big deal for a girl to ask a boy, but if it is, then you seem like you think it’ll be really hurtful to either of them to turn them down. It would be especially hurtful to turn one down in favor of the other, but perhaps less hurtful if you turn both down in favor of your boyfriend (just kidding). In favor of not going at all.

Maybe girls ask you out all the time. When I was in high school, I couldn’t imagine any girl saying yes if I were to ask her out. Then again, I really thought it was all terribly hokey and bourgeois, and not for me.

Anyway, if you do go out a lot, it seems to me it would be a hoot to go to the prom. Do it all up; like in a movie or something. If these girls are not really friends, then you really don’t know what they are thinking. You said you were fairly surprised when both asked you.

It sounds like the first person is more businesslike about it. All right. I will offer advice. I think you should go with the first one, treating it as a hoot and just a friendship, not anything else, and you can tell the second that you will go with the person who asked first.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

Ask the first girl if it really means anything to her. I think the manner in which the second girl asked you shows a definite interest in a romantic situation, and she seems more enthused about the prospect of the date in general. whereas the first girl seemed quite nonchalant. If the first is indeed quite casual about it all, I would go with the second because she’s much more into the whole thing. If the first girl does have more underlying expectations of her invitation, that adds a layer of complexity, and then you really need to decide if you want to make that decision at all. If both girls are regarding this casually (although, like I said, I really don’t think the second girl is at all), then perhaps you could all go in a group together. Prom at my high school wasn’t a lot about people going with other people specifically. I went as a sophomore, junior, and senior in a large group of friends, with no one date. I was also perfectly happy with this situation, as I was never interested in anyone at my school. let us know what happens!

Jayne's avatar

So, at my school, like at @TitsMcGhee‘s , it is very standard for people to go as groups; the second girls is going with two of her friends and their dates. This makes the practical arrangements cheaper and simpler, and it also makes the entire situation less awkward for more casual dates. This being the case, I decided to ask the first girl to clarify her intentions, and she seemed perfectly convincing in saying that she wanted to experience prom herself, and to make sure that I would do so as well. So, she will be going with some of her other friends, and I will be going with the first girl. And I do at least agree that prom should be fairly interesting, if expensive O.0, and I do like the girl quite a bit, so it’s not as though I’m being dragged into this out of a sense of misguided chivalry. Thanks for your advice, everyone.

chyna's avatar

@Jayne Good choice. Please let us know how it went when it is over.

maybe_KB's avatar

Take the cuter one. You’re gonna have these pics forever!
The more understanding one will obviously…..understand.
I’m joking….sort of

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

This is what I would do…...

Before answering anyone, tell Miss First One That Asked if she would object to going as a group. If she says, “No”....then line up a few of your buddies and then go tell Miss Second that you are going as a group and would love to invite her. It’s always a great way to go to prom because then everyone can change partners and/or go out afterwards and just enjoy the evening.

That way, no one is hurt. I was going to say….take them both…but that might not work as well. Make it a group and keep everyone happy. If Miss Second is someone that you are interested in, then later you can ask her out.

Hope this helps.

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