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Jude's avatar

One thing that I have noticed is that I tend to attract women and men with "mommy issues" and I can't figure it out as to why. Any thoughts on that?

Asked by Jude (32134points) May 10th, 2009

Both men and women that I have dated or are/were friends with, when I step back and look at it most of them had an issue with their Mom growing up and still do. Whether it was that the Mom was neglectful, abusive, weak, or non-emotional. It’s bizarre. And, I don’t understand why it’s that way.

I must say, though, that I’ve just started dating a girl who doesn’t fit that mold. She has a great relationship with both parents.

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8 Answers

dynamicduo's avatar

Remember, correlation does not equal causation! I can’t really see how mom issues, especially a variety of different ones, would directly translate into an identifiable trait (or traits) which presumably facilitates you being friends with such people; or from the other vantage point, I can’t see what traits you would have that would make you more attractive as a friend or partner to those with varying mother issues. Thus I would conclude that this is more of a coincidence than something that needs to have thought put towards it.

I mean, it really comes down to a person having a mom issue, a dad issue, a parents issue, or no issue at all with their parents. And in my experience, people tend to have more mother issues than father issues, so that might explain why your situation is as such.

Unless it’s impacting your life negatively, I wouldn’t personally put much effort in figuring out why this is, as people vary so much that I doubt you would find one single reason for your situation. Just chalk it up to the randomness of the universe.

Linda_Owl's avatar

Most of us have issues of some sort with our parents, but most of us get past them. I think it just a matter of luck that you have encountered what appears to be a higher percentage of those with unresolved issues.

fundevogel's avatar

I’m with @Linda_Owl all people have some kind of issue with their parents or did at some point.

maybe_KB's avatar

If you look back & ALL of your ex’s have the same condition,
Than It’s you.
You attract that genre of individuals
Maybe, reflect on what you do, what you talk about, where you meet and hopefully that may shed some light for future relationships
Good Luck:)

wundayatta's avatar

You could be a caretaker type person. You find people with problems (and they don’t have to be mommy problems), and are attracted to them because, in some way, they feel comfortable to you. You know them because they were or are, in some way, like your parents and their relationship.

Do you find yourself “doing” for others more than they “do” for you?

Jude's avatar

I’m a “I don’t take any bullshit from anyone” type of person. I don’t let myself get walked all over and have always been that way. That is something that I give off and that’s one of the things that they’re attracted to ( they’ve told me that). They, themselves are not as strong as far as that goes. Also, I’ve got a kind heart, and a lot of them have been with assholes prior to me, so, they feel that when they’re with me, I’m not going to hurt them – emotionally. I really don’t see myself as a caretaker, though. Not really. And, I’m not out to solve other people’s problems. I am easy to talk to, though, and am a great listener and very approachable. That’s about it..

You’re right, though. My Mom was all of these things. My Dad, he had a rough relationship with his Mom and his Dad was cold and distant. My Mom was stronger emotionally and she ruled the roost. Kindhearted, empathetic and very approachable. I guess that you learn by example.

wundayatta's avatar

Yes, people who need taking care of are attracted to strong people who can protect them from life’s vicissitudes. If they’re with you, and you don’t take shit, they know you won’t let them take shit, I suppose. I mean, I don’t know, but it could be that way. You might not feel like a caretaker, but you could be behaving like one. It could be your way of feeling useful, and having people appreciate you. Maybe you are uncertain of your value in other ways?

Would it be possible for you to be weak? Could you trust anyone else to protect you, or even do something important for you, and do it well enough? I do not ask this as a challenge, but as a kind of reflection.

Do you mind this pattern of yours? It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Does it bother you, or is this just something you’re curious about?

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

i agree with @daloon about the “caretaker” idea. In my family, that’s commen among the women (myself included) – we tend to date people who have issues with family, money, etc. Maybe it’s because we’re just caring people who put others before ourselves. But this can also stem from a strong personality: those who are “weaker” want to be near those who are strong, who can act as their support.

If this is an issue for you, start trying to be more observant when you start dating someone. Try looking for some signs that they’re needy or carry excess baggage. There are lots of websites about this, one of them being here . Also, it might be a good idea to take a good look at yourself. What sort of traits do you think would attract these women with “mommy issues”? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It’s up to you.

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