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Resonantscythe's avatar

What should i do about a lying "friend" who recently broke up with me?

Asked by Resonantscythe (2395points) May 17th, 2009

I had been dating a girl who started out as my friend for close to a year when three and a half weeks ago we had a tearful conversation on the subject that she had to hide the fact fact that she was with me from members of her family which disapprove of interracial relationships.
At the same time, her stepfather had been pressuring her to become involved with a son of a coworker of his.
Claiming to love me but feel torn between her family and our relationship, she said she wanted to tell this guy that she was with someone, but was afraid that it would get a around to her stepfather.
understanding she wasn’t happy with things, I told her to take some time to think and that I would respect and support the decision she would make about our relationship since I just wanted to see her happy.
After thinking it over for three days she decided to end our relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend(three weeks ago to the day), but said she still loves and cares about me and wanted to stay friends. I found this agreeable and went along with it believing that at the other end of this ordeal i would at least have a good friend to talk with.
This was not what resulted. She’s been quiet, barely in contact and despite her claims of love has been quite cold with me. We mostly text to communicate and she’s been unresponsive, and mostly apathetic to what I have to say. She swiftly crushes any possibility of hanging out with “I’m busy” and no more details. now normally it wouldn’t bother me because it would still feel weird to be around me after all that happened.
But before we separated, she had talked to me briefly about “seeing what else is out there” and stated a considerably positive attitude towards befriending the previously mentioned guy introduced by her stepfather.
During the breakup she “swore” to me that her decision to end it had nothing to do with him and was solely to remove a source of stress in her life while still saying she loved me.
Two days ago in a now rare consistent exchange of texts she stated to be doing and feeling very well, is “getting her shit together” and is generally very happy.
Finally i found out today that the two are dating now are seem to be very happy.

So basically, I’m asking, what would be a good way to handle the situation, because right now I am not in the mind to make rational decisions.(Not talking about hurting anyone, just walking into the supermarket she works at and flipping out in front of a hundred strangers)

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25 Answers

Stocky's avatar

As corny as it sounds there are plenty of fish in the sea. She doesnt sound as if she deserves the aggravation and definitely not the awkward scene that would transpire at her work. She sounds like she used her stepfather as an excuse to leave the relationship and remove all blame from herself. If she suddenly changed her mind after all that. Would you really even want to be with her anymore? Do yourself a favor and find someone new and when she hears about it she will always wonder what she missed out on. Living well is the best revenge.

Resonantscythe's avatar

I need to go into more detail why this is a big deal.
Before her I had zero experiences with women other than friendship. I had never even kissed a girl at age 19 much less been in a relationship with anyone. Until that point I had been turned down every time by any girl I had ever expressed interest in.
She was my first date, my first kiss, my first girlfriend and, the person who took my virginity. And she knew this well in advance of dating me since we had been friends for three years already at the point that she started to reciprocate my feelings. So this goes further than the typical dumped for another person situation.
But I still like the first response.

cookieman's avatar

The pressure from an overbearing family can be crippling to some.

Whether she truly loved you or not is, sadly, irrelevant. She chose to follow the path of least resistence and follow her father’s wishes. She may or may not regret this.

Until she is mature enough and strong enough to follow her own convictions a relationship such as yours is an impossibilty. Ultimately, she may never choose to think for herself.

Meanwhile, you have a life to live. Wish her well and move on.

bythebay's avatar

@Stocky & @cprevite: gave you good advice above.

Respect her choice and respect your self. Good luck!

hearkat's avatar

@Stocky said it very well… you have to find a way to let her go and to move forward in your life knowing that she will not be in it. This is far easier said than done; especially with your first experience. You need to take some time to grieve the loss and to develop new goals and dreams that don’t include her.

For most people, maintaining a friendship after ending a romantic relationship is very difficult. In this situation, I suspect that she is fully aware that she’s broken your heart, do not only does avoiding you help ease her sense of guilt; she also probably assumes it will be awkward and might hurt you more to be around her but not act on your romantic feelings toward her.

In addition, she is now dating someone else… we can’t know what is try and what is lies… and it is difficult accepting that we may never know the truth in those situations. Regardless, the guy she’s dating now probably doesn’t want her ‘hanging out’ with you, considering your history. Most people would feel this way, especially since your breakup is so recent and wasn’t a mutual decision.

Even if she were to come back at this point, she has damaged any trust that was between you… you’d have a tough time believing what she says, and might have a sense of worry about her leaving you again. It will take some time, but it is best for you to chalk it up to experience and move ahead.

Good luck to you.

dynamicduo's avatar

Yes, it hurts when you lose your first love.

In your situation I would say the best thing is to do nothing really. Let her sort her shit out as she says, and eventually when her world is more calm, she will either come back to being your friend, or she won’t. If she doesn’t, then by all means take up the initiative to ask her and find out why or if it’s for real. People change, there’s nothing you can do to change her nor her stepfather’s opinion, so the only thing you can really change is how you view and deal with the situation at hand. And for that I would suggest diving deep into any hobby or activity you like or have always wanted to do. The last thing you need to be doing now is reminiscing about times past.

Resonantscythe's avatar

what should i do with all the full of lies crap she gave me that i can’t stand to look at?

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

Honestly… forget about her… stop texting/talking/whatevering to her. She doesn’t deserve to even have you as a friend if she’s pulling that BS.

If she wanted to end it with you she should have had the balls to just tell you. And it’s kind of BS that she was ashamed of telling her family anyways. I mean I could see putting it off or strategically telling them, but just not telling at all after so long is ridiculous.

Get over her, and go find someone better for yourself.

elijah's avatar

There is nothing for you to do, she broke up with you and she moved on. Game over. Being friends with an ex doesn’t mean hanging out and talking all the time. It’s only been a few weeks and you expect her to hang out like nothing happened? I don’t even see how she lied to you. She probably cares about you but not the way you want. You don’t have the right to insult her just because you aren’t getting what you want.

girlofscience's avatar

Oh my god. I don’t even know what to say.

I am in shock that there are still people who disapprove of interracial relationships.

It is just absurd that such a thing would ever be an issue…

Resonantscythe's avatar

@ elijah Sigh…i don’t think being friends with anyone means hanging out all the time. i asked if in the near future(near being before end of summer) she was interested in hanging out. neither was i pestering her on the texts. i didn’t even send anything the first week and since then it has just been how are you’s and such. and even to the how are you’s i got cold, listless answers. And I didn’t insult her, i was saying that she wasn’t who she showed herself to be. And she admits to being with the guy for a week already. yes i have to move on, but moving on in under two weeks after her claims of love doesn’t strike you as the least bit quick?

justwannaknow's avatar

WAKE UP!! it is over. move on. Very few people are able to be “friends” after a breakup.

bythebay's avatar

Maybe the entire interracial objections theory was fabricated to give her an easy out?

Judi's avatar

Welcome to the world of love and heartache. As alone as you feel right now, you are walking a well trod path. Most people here have been where you are, it’s just that your heart is being broke for the first time. (It will probably happen again.)

Don’t do anything drastic (screaming in the supermarket.) You will only embarrass yourself and feel really stupid.

Get by yourself and cry it out, then start living again.

Time is the only thing that will really stop the pain.

Love will come your way again and you will probably be a tad more cautious with your heart this time. The new girl will have to work harder to earn your trust.

The best anyone can do here is tell you how they went about working through the time. Some ways are productive and some are destructive. as much as you want to do something destructive, follow the advice of those doing something constructive. Your life will turn out much better.

BookReader's avatar

…for me talking about it was really tough, but i did…talking to my mom, dad, and especially my grandma (she’s about 100 and had experience galore) was most helpful…i did real good :)...

hearkat's avatar

@Resonantscythe: The gifts she gave you are yours to do with as you please. However, if you react out of anger and hurt, you might regret it. Everything has happened so quickly and there is still a lot of healing to do. When you are a bit older you might cherish a trinket from this bittersweet time of your life.

I suggest taking them all and putting them away somewhere so they won’t be visible. In a few months or a year or whenever, go through them again and you may find that you want to keep one or two things and donate the rest.

@girlofscience: I agree. But sadly prejudice still exists. Having been in interracial relationships, I found that the dirty looks don’t always come from caucasians judging me, but from people of the other ethnicity (especially the women). It also still occurs with religious differences and even national/cultural differences.

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

@Resonantscythe Yes it sounds like she’s moved on quickly… which is why I say… she’s a bitch, forget her.

Thebigbaboo's avatar

Time to move on. If she let you go becuase of what “other” people said, then she was not worth it in the first place.

You can not see it now, but you will find better and be happy again.

Resonantscythe's avatar

Yeah I’m done with her.But it still hurts. I hate this.

hearkat's avatar

@Resonantscythe: Yes, it hurts, and it sucks having your heart broken – especially when there has been an apparent betrayal. As I approach my 43rd birthday, I have been through it more times than I care to recall, and it doesn’t get any easier. But I assure you that in time you will see how the relationships you have really do help you grow, and that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

As I said, give yourself time to grieve, and to go through all the stages and emotions that it involves. You will find that anger, sadness, hurt, and acceptance will flow through you in these days and weeks ahead. At first they hit harder and change more rapidly, but over time the intensity and frequency will gradually diminish (with occasional bursts here and there), until one day you will be able to say that it is truly in the past.

Be patient with yourself and nurture your heart so that it can heal without bitterness. You will learn to trust and to love again in due time, and you will be more resilient for having this experience.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

that’s cold brother. real cold.

Blondesjon's avatar

If you let it go and cut your losses time will make it go away. If you sit around and wallow in it you may as well name it and start claiming it on your W-2.

Remember, there are going to be a lot of instances in your life where you get hurt. You either learn to cope with it or you let it destroy you. There is no middle ground.

Learn from this.

tanay2035's avatar

Here are some tips to fix a troubled relationship:
Ask yourself if you really want to keep the relationship and if it is worth saving. You have to analyze yourself if you really want to keep the relationship with your partner or spouse and if it is really worth it to go through the process or resolving the issues in your relationship. Willingness on your part and believing that the relationship is worth saving is very important if you want to fix a troubled relationship.
Identify the problem. Of course in order to fix a troubled relationship, you have to know what is wrong in your relationship. Identify or make a list of the things that always resulted to arguments and misunderstandings. Compromise and both agree on what should be done to resolve the issues. Dealing with the negative things in your relationship in a positive way is very helpful if you really want to save your relationship.
Open communication. It is important that the lines of communication are open to fix a troubled relationship. Things will be easier if you are both open to communicate with each other. It is not very healthy in a relationship to just assume things and let things just run into your head without talking it out with your partner. Misunderstandings may arise if you just assume things. Communication is not only important during conflicts but it is also important during good times. Sharing your thoughts and talking about beautiful things in your relationship is also one way of bonding with each other and realizing that there are still more good things in your relationship.
Learn when to listen and stop talking. We all need someone who listens and of course the best person we want to listen to us is our partner or spouse. Knowing that your partner is willing to stop talking and lend his or her ears to you is a very good feeling. You will feel that what you have in mind counts and important to your partner. It is easier to fix a troubled relationship if you know how to listen and stop talking. Keeping a relationship means hard work and dedication but sometimes when conflicts arise we are left clueless on what to do.
If you find it difficult to fix a troubled relationship, there are many proven ways to save a relationship. If you want to find out how to bring more love, understanding and passion to save your failing relationship.

Kraken's avatar

Tell the truth. You don’t want to live with a lie or else it will eat you up. The truth will set you free even if it will cost you in the interim.

dallas1971's avatar

I was actually on the other end of the mess. My bf went to ga for court in nov and was gonna be back first week of dec, but the last thing i heard from him was to call him in 2 hours on dec 1 in a text. Not more than 10 min later he had blogged that he was single and i havent heard anything form him since. He left all his stuff here and it hurts that he couldnt even have the decency to tell me goodbye. Not having the closure is what I seem to be hangin onto,and i stilll love him very much, just dont understand how he could treat me like this.

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