I need some serious computer help, my laptop keyboard is tits-up and even a USB keyboard won't work...any ideas?

You’re going to have to elaborate on “tits up” if we’re going to be much help. Was something spilled on it or was it dropped?

For the keyboard, try plugging it in a different usb port and reboot. It may register then.

Also try this:
Go to Start > control panel > system > device manager
Do any over your devices show warnings?

If there are still problems, call tech sppt. in the morning and read a book instead of being online because working with a gimp computer will drive you crazy. At least it does for me.

@The_Compassionate_Heretic Sorry if this is short, no damage, my computer rebooted and the key board stopped working. I get the same beeping sound from the USB keyboard as I do from the laptop keyboard when I hit a key

It makes the system beep when you hit a key?

@Ivan yep

Get a new keyboard. Easy to replace. Not too much $