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SuperMouse's avatar

In a relationship how do you know you have passed the point of no return?

Asked by SuperMouse (30788points) May 25th, 2009

How do you know when you’ve hit the place where you are both dedicated and in it for the long haul? How do you know you’ve passed the place where a big blow-up is reason for a break-up? Is it spoken between partners or is it just quietly known and accepted? Could you be in a long term relationship without knowing you have passed that point?

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19 Answers

Darwin's avatar

In my experience it has to do with gut feelings as well as good communication. If your gut says its time and you two aren’t communicating well, then it is time to break up. OTOH if your gut says he’s the one and everything he does and says confirms it, then you are good for the long term.

casheroo's avatar

When I can fart in front of them, and not care. That’s only happened with one man, and I married him ;)

Jeruba's avatar

There may not be a point of no return. People do bail. I remember reading of a 93-year-old woman who divorced her husband of 62 years. She said she was giving up because she’d finally realized he was never going to change.

I do think withstanding some sort of severe trial together is a really good indicator. But so is the fight where one says ”~~~ because I’m afraid I’ll lose you” and the other says “Well, I’m not going anywhere, so we’d better settle this now.” Sometimes you just realize one day after passing a lof of ordinary, undramatic time together that the decision has already been made.

I’ve had the words spoken in relationships that didn’t last and not spoken in the one that did until we both said “I do” (and we still do).

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

You’re in a relationship when you decide to be more than just f-buddies.
Your relationship is failing when you no longer communicate.

wundayatta's avatar

In my experience, there were several serious difficulties before marriage. If we solved them ok, it was a good sign for sticking together. I never did feel, however, that we were past the point where a big blow-up meant breakup. Well, not until I got sick, and she still stuck with me despite all the awful things I said to her. But that’s after being together for 22 years.

Still, I never did take it for granted, and I’m not sure I should, even if I do feel more secure now. If you’re looking for a signpost, @supermouse, I don’t think you’ll find one. Relationships are always uncharted territory. If he can’t deal with the kinds of things that happen when you’re sick….

It could be he can learn, or it could be he just doesn’t want to sign up for that. Are you testing him?

SuperMouse's avatar

@daloon, he actually dealt quite well with it when I told him about missing my meds and explained that might be the reason for some of my somewhat irrational behavior. So that part hasn’t been an issue for us.

@The Compassionate Heretic, We communicate constantly and work really, really hard to do it right and listen and really hear each other.

@Casheroo, we have successfully passed the burp/fart phase! Wahoo for that!

We seem to be hitting a spot where we are baring our souls to each other like never before. He sees the real me, stresses and annoyances, and all, and I guess I am looking for reassurance that he isn’t going to be frightened away by what he sees. As many on this board know, his biggest issues were pretty apparent from the jump (but of course there is much more to him than what can be seen on the surface), mine are a bit more hidden.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I started all my relationships (the marriages anyway) knowing I’m willing to endure but it is only in my current marriage that I understood what that point really means and having gotten over a trial like @jeruba said I know now we can get past anything

mcbealer's avatar

As far as knowing when it’s over, I like the line in the movie Notting Hill where
Julia Roberts confides she ran out of reasons to stay in the relationship with her
idiot boyfriend.

wundayatta's avatar

@SuperMouse Well, has he seen your worst, yet? Or are you worried about what happens when you, for whatever reason, decide to stop taking meds, or they stop working? Why do you need reassurance, which you know can only come from you and from him?

hug_of_war's avatar

I think @daloon has hit it – when they have seen you at your worst and you have seen them at their worst, absolute worst, and the thought of walking away doesn’t enter your head. but you think, we can get through this, we will get through this, no matter how bad it seems, it’s just a moment in time and it won’t last forever.

SuperMouse's avatar

@daloon he has pretty much seen me at my worst and has stuck with it. So far every time we have seen each other this way we have agreed (after the fact) that walking away isn’t an option. His style of processing could not be more different than mine. He goes inside himself to sort things out, I want to talk to him to sort things out (whether they have to do with the relationship or not). He gets frustrated with me, so he goes inside and I begin getting insecure and want him to talk all the more. I guess that’s why I asked this question because I wonder if there is some magic barrier that we have crossed (or have yet to cross) and where others have crossed that barrier.

wundayatta's avatar

I think it is a great piece of knowledge that you have about each other’s styles of processing. All that remains is to find a way to signal each other that you are processing, not disengaging.

In my marriage, it’s kind of similar. She wants to talk at me when she processes, and she interprets my lack of attention as a lack of interest. But I want a problem to solve, or else I wonder why we’re talking. Or, at least, that’s the way it used to be. Now I understand how it is, I can understand she’s just telling me a story, and I don’t have to fix anything.

And now, she knows, that when I disappear upstairs, I’m not abandoning her. We have a signal now. When she wants to be with me, she right the intercom once. I wrap up what I’m doing (usually fluthering) and go down to be with her.

fireside's avatar

I hope that you have passed that point, SuperMouse!
Have you seen the Marriage Tablet?
It’s not an official Baha’i writing, but is very beautiful and provides some wonderful guidance.

I have been in a relationship for the past month now and don’t know if we have hit that point of no return, but I also can’t imagine changing course at all. We communicate amazingly well, are very honest with each other, laugh all the time, love each others families, feel a strong spiritual bond and have even sat down on a couple occasions and told each other everything we could think of that would scare a person off then only felt closer after doing so.

I’m actually so convinced that I started looking at engagement rings today and I know her thoughts are in the same place. Kind of scary how quickly our bond formed, in some ways, but I have been in other relationships before and know that this one is different and worth holding on to for the long haul.

I wish you the best in your relationship!

BBSDTfamily's avatar

When you know you can never look at that person the same way again.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

When I no longer get hurt feelings by what they say or do and instead get angry and aggressive feelings. Also, dreading to lie down in bed beside the person or have them put their arms around me, that’s a sure sign.

bythebay's avatar

@SuperMouse: He sounds more like an INTP Personality type and perhaps looking into that might help you understand better his processing habits. My husband and I process in opposite ways and it took some time & testing before we found a way to meet in the middle; while still being able to respect each others needs. You sound committed to making it work; I wish you much happiness.

FYI

SuperMouse's avatar

@fireside that is beautiful! Thanks for the link.

@daloon, I think you are right, we need to create a signal so that the other knows we are just processing or being crabby or whatever. Thanks.

Jeruba's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence, I think you may be answering the opposuite question. She wants to know how you know it’s for keeps.

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