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SuperMouse's avatar

Do you find yourself placating your significant other?

Asked by SuperMouse (30788points) June 3rd, 2009

This afternoon my man told me that he has the feeling I placate him. I think I do, mostly as a habit I acquired during my 20 years of marriage to my ex. Do you/did you find yourself placating your SO? If you did and broke the habit, how did you do it?

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11 Answers

Blondesjon's avatar

Why? Did she say something to you? Did she seem mad? Oh, what have I done, what have I done.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I did in one relationship but only after figuring out reason and care weren’t going to make any positive changes in the scenario and I placated in order not to rock the boat until I could remove myself. In my opinion, to do that any other time implies to the other person you really don’t care to make an effort which may not be your intention at all.

Example: an ex of mine would go along with just about anything I wanted provided it didn’t put him out much. This was unnerving to me because what I really wanted was to know he was genuinely sharing some of my passions and interests instead of acting them out. communication stuff

SeventhSense's avatar

It is the one thing that drives me mad in relationships and makes me a very bad boy.

wundayatta's avatar

Placation is a kind of passive-aggressive manipulation. You’re afraid of anger or being denied something, so you try to manage them so they don’t get angry at you, or say no to you. You don’t ask things you believe they will say no to.

Over the long run, this kind of thing drove a huge wedge between me and my wife. I was miserable. I was afraid to talk to her about what I really wanted because I believed she’d divorce me rather than give me what I wanted. We grew further and further apart, until we were simply Mr. & Mrs. Daloon, Inc. Product: children.

Well, a variety of things happened that I’ve told before, so I won’t bore you again. At the end, we got couples counseling, which helped us say what we really wanted, and each of us took half the responsibility for fucking up the relationship, and we started trying to work on our desires from the other person.

We’ve gotten somewhere, and there’s more to go, but we are both happier, except now she’s depressed, because of a lot of other shit in her life (mother, job, and child issues in addition to me issue).

The lesson I’ve learned is that you have to talk and find a way to tell your partner your true desires and fears. You can’t work on them if you don’t know what they are. If you can’t face doing this alone, or if you always end up in a fight when you try this, a counselor can help.

tinyfaery's avatar

Hmm…I placate my wife when it comes to her little quirks. Sometimes I just have to let her be annoying. I’m not going to bother with something that cannot be changed, and that has no real effect on our relationship.

Facade's avatar

I do the same thing @tinyfaery does.

Darwin's avatar

I placate my husband when it comes to watching television, primarily because it is his only hobby and his window to the world because he is disabled. Besides, I generally read or Fluther while watching so whatever is on generally barely even registers with me.

My son and my husband will get into wicked and childish arguments over what to watch, so sometimes I take away the remote, put it in my pocket, and go for a nice long walk.

augustlan's avatar

Only when he’s about drunk off his ass. He becomes repetitive – and sometimes obnoxious – and I have to gently steer him without seeming to steer him. That’s about it. I think.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I would never do such a thing
and hate when people do it to me

Skippy's avatar

Yes, mainly to keep the peace with the kids, activities etc.
Most times it’s easier to do it that not.

SuperMouse's avatar

Those who never do it, do you always speak your mind? How is it met? How do you do it diplomatically so your S/O is willing to hear it and you start a dialog.

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