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gelifly's avatar

Why would a guy call to tell me he would be out of touch for awhile, when I haven't heard from him in a month?

Asked by gelifly (11points) June 7th, 2009

Background: he and I have been friends for 10 years, always attracted to each other, I’m separated, we had a fling for while, I fell in love, he didn’t, treated me poorly, I forgave him and we decided to try to salvage the friendship. But…he hasn’t called me or made plans w/me for over a month—just ocassional text, email and IM. Nothing major (and point taken on my end). He goes away for the weekend to see a concert, comes back, texts me, and when I don’t reply, calls me. I don’t call back for about an hour. When I do, he tells me his mom’s husband died so he has to go home tomorrow then is flying to NC for a wedding so I won’t be getting any emails, IMs or texts from him for awhile. I told him that I understood, especially since he had already told me that he wouldn’t be able to IM me from work anymore. I already got the impression that he was slowly fizzing out our connection, so I’m VERY confused as to why he called me tonight to tell me he’d be out of touch for awhile, especially since I have not been trying to get in touch with him in any way whatsoever (b/c I got the impression that he’s not interested in making things right, or in me, for that matter). So why the phone call to tell me all this tonight? It was short, about 3 minutes tops.

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12 Answers

asmonet's avatar

How recent was the reconciliation? Has it only been that month? If it has, give him time, he may just be feeling weird.

And someone in his family died, now is not the time to try to decipher his behaviors. They’re probably off.

Also, someone in his family died.
The world is not all about you. There’s a good chance you were just number gabillion on his list of notifications and he thought nothing of it.

Three minutes is about how long I spent doing the phone calls when my mother was in surgery for a tumor in her liver. And I assure you, I called people I had weird relationships with and didn’t think twice about what they thought of it, I was handling my business.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

He called you because funerals make you want to feel like you matter to your friends, and you do have 10 years of history. Perhaps he’s feeling like he could have been a better friend than he has been, and this is one way to make amends with himself for dropping the ball in the relationship.

asmonet's avatar

Point is, no one here knows either of you well enough to give you a real answer. Try talking to him.

When he gets back.

Aethelwine's avatar

Key words: he didn’t fall in love with you, he treated you poorly. Why did he call you?Not sure. Just be there for him as a friend.

filmfann's avatar

He doesn’t want a relationship with you, but he misses his friendship. He wants a break, then he wants you to cut him some slack. He wants your understanding. He misses the friend you were.

Darwin's avatar

1) He has been in touch, just not by voice. You said he’s been texting, emailing and IMing you. Now he won’t be in touch for a long while, but he doesn’t want you to be upset with him. He wants to stay friends.

2) Perhaps he doesn’t currently have access to a computer to email you, and for some reason can’t text or IM you either. He wanted to let you know he wasn’t disappearing out of your life completely so he called to tell you that.

3) Somebody in his family died and he is upset and slightly in shock, plus he has good news in that he is going to a wedding, and he just wants to share with someone he considers a friend.

Who knows? Ask him when he gets back.

essieness's avatar

It sounds like he called because he wanted you to know that his mom’s husband died. Maybe he wanted a little sympathy? Not that that’s a bad thing. If you’ve been friends for 10 years, I would just be there for him when you can, but don’t put your heart out there for him to hurt you again.

Sariperana's avatar

Wow, everyone here is always so nice! He sounds selfish to me. Only calling you when he needs a friend or a shoulder to cry on! Do you call him? Do you feel as though that you can or has he put a block to you feeling free to to do that? I cant say exactly, no one here can but him but it hardly sounds like a fair and even friendship…

wundayatta's avatar

If you fell in love, but he didn’t, why do you want to salvage a friendship? If you want to cut off the relationship (and it seems like you are slowly giving him more and more space), Do you want to cut it off with him? Is to really too painful for you?

Otherwise, if you’re friends, it seems to me like friends don’t necessarily talk all the time or update you on their every move. Of course, I’m of an older generation. Maybe with twitter and facebook and all, you expect constant contact. If so, I have no idea what to tell you. That is just too weird for me.

asmonet's avatar

@Mr_Callahan: You probably shouldn’t comment on a thread if you have absolutely nothing to add.

carebare's avatar

It sounds to me like he is leading you on. Don’t wait around for him, he sounds very selfish. I’ve dated a guy like him, he don’t want to be with you, but he’ll still call to make sure that you are available. Next time he calls and wants to go out, tell him you have a date, I gaurantee he will call, and call you.

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