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Myuzikalsoul's avatar

What do you do when loving someone hurts you?

Asked by Myuzikalsoul (590points) June 7th, 2009

You love someone for a very long time.
They claim to love you… BUT..they refuse to commit to you. They are there constantly, and intensely with you and for you for patches of time, then disappear, randomly, and without explanation, only to pop up again once you’ve accepted their absence. Spending more time with them only makes you hurt more when they are gone…but of course you don’t want to lose them from your life. What do you do?!?!?!

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13 Answers

chelseababyy's avatar

You let them go, as hard as it may be. If they love you, they’ll come back. You can’t keep hurting yourself by being with them. Let go, and what’s meant to be, will be. What’s not, will fade as time goes on.

Dog's avatar

From what you have written it seems that you are in love but that they are using you as a security blanket or safety net. They are around when something or someone else is no longer interesting them.

I strongly advise you to find someone who will love you and respect you enough to commit. You deserve better.

Myuzikalsoul's avatar

@chelseababyy First of all, I also work at Outback (I saw you on another thread about hostessing)

And back to the question, by letting go, does this mean to avoid all contact with them? To not answer their phone calls? In this case, he just moved in right down the road from me!!! And I feel as though just avoiding him altogether would be some form of an ultimatum, and a disregard of friendship. I just don’t know if I can do that. Perhaps this question is just too complicated.

chelseababyy's avatar

@Myuzikalsoul Yay, a fellow Outback mate!

If you want things to be successful, yes, cut ties. You can do it slowly, but you definitely have to do it. I know it sounds REALLY hard, I’ve been through this before. I promise.

Stage one is trying as hard as you can to avoid them. You’ll cry a lot, and be really down, but take your mind off of things. Go out with friends or take up a hobby. It will make time pass much easier. Stage two is when you start realizing how much better you feel. You feel like a weight has been lifted and you realize you’re better off the way you are alone. Stage three which may or may not happen, is that person realizing they want you back. That’s your decision entirely whether you want them back or not. Know that you will have to talk to them about changes being made. My ex would disappear from time to time (at this point we were together 2+ years) and I couldn’t handle it anymore. He kept telling me how things would change, and I’d believe him, and they would change, for a month or so, then it was back to the way it used to be. Finally I let him go, and we got back together, but ultimately we ended up apart, and I met someone completely different, and utterly amazing. It was a hard decision to let go, but I do not regret it at all, and my life has been much better, and filled with much less hurt.

Myuzikalsoul's avatar

@chelseababyy Thank you… I think you’re right, I just know that once I tell him that I never want to speak to him again, that I am literally going to writhe inside… I think it will drive him to other women, (which he says he hasn’t had sex with anyone else while we have been active). I’m afraid that by pushing him away I might just push him away. And then I’ll only blame myself. We dated for 5 years, broke up for 2, and have been hanging out the past three months. He says he never wants to be in a relationship again, and that he “probably will” end up hooking up with other women. ...I guess the justification is there (for me to leave him alone), I just don’t want to accept it. And he contradicts himself when he’s with me… he definitely shows emotion…but he’s different from one day to the next. I am so confused! lol.

chelseababyy's avatar

Sometimes people need to be with someone else to realize what they’ve got. Maybe it’s time for a real break. If he really loves you, he’ll come back. Even if you push him away. I know that for a fact. You have to make yourself happy before anyone else can. I’ll write more tomorrow. Typing via iPod is annoying :(

Judi's avatar

Games, games ,games. Yet another reason I’m glad to be married!!! I don’t think I could handle the dating scene!!

wundayatta's avatar

Have you asked him why he does this? If you can’t talk to him about what’s going on, then the relationship is not going anywhere, anyway. Ask him what happens, preferably in an information seeking, non-judgmental way. Let him know how you feel when he disappears, again, in a non-accusative way. You’re not trying to guilt trip him. You just want information. If it seems like he’s trying to avoid talking to you, this is not good.

I wonder why you feel you must put up with this behavior? It seems like you’re giving him all the power. Be kind to yourself. Don’t turn yourself into a dishrag. Do what you need to do in order to feel good. Dependency on him is not good, as long as he behaves this way. I’m not saying you have to break up, just that you need to do things that make you stronger in yourself.

Ruthi's avatar

Let them walk away…’ll hurt like hell, but it might be just what you need right now. A relationship isn’t something that can be sustained on a one-sided basis. and remember that you never need to undermine yourself so much…’d be surprised at the human heart’s resilience…

Still, I do sympathize with you! Must be feeling worse than garbage to be treated like that!

Darwin's avatar

I agree that you need to let him walk away. He is sending you all the signals that your love relationship is over (“He says he never wants to be in a relationship again, and that he “probably will” end up hooking up with other women”) so you need to move on. You shouldn’t go out of your way to avoid him, but work hard at being noncommittal and at finding other things to do, including dating other men who might very well want to commit to you.

If you and he were together for 5 years and broken up for 2, it sounds as if he is just filling his free time hanging out with you and isn’t really interested at all.

Yes, it will hurt like crazy for a while, but eventually you will find someone else who will be better.

Blondesjon's avatar

You do the only thing you can do. You tell him that his behavior is hurting you and if it doesn’t change you are going to walk away.

You have to be ready to follow this up. Right now this dude is getting his cake and eating it too. If he disappears from your life after you stand up for yourself it was never meant to be. You have to quit being this guy’s welcome mat.

You can’t make someone like you.

Myuzikalsoul's avatar

Thank you for all of your help. I agree, and have decided not to let him use me anymore. The one thing I always was to him was available. I’ve never taken that away. He has always come first. Now I have decided to take that away. I am no longer going to answer his phone calls. If he really values his time with me then my lack of availability may be his wake-up call. If not, life goes on. :)

tracysalt's avatar

I think you need to move on, its not easy but its the best thing for you to do. I have been there a couple of times, they always say beautiful women make stupid mistakes and its so true. Life is too short to be with somone that doesnt appreciate who you are and the only reason he wants you back after a break-up is because he knows that you are weak and you will give in to his charms and his empty promises. Leopard never ever changes its spots and this is the same for human nature. So please start a new chapter and move on.

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