General Question

Resonantscythe's avatar

Smiling, flirting, compliments,- is there any way to tell when they are simply friendly and when someone is interested in getting to know you more intimately?

Asked by Resonantscythe (2390points) June 7th, 2009

Maybe That’s too funny a way to say it. Basically, how do you tell (if you even can) when a woman is friendly to be friendly Vs. she has romantic interest in you? I’ve lived under the impression members of the fairer sex never thought much of me in such terms.

Also sorry if anyone is tiring of my relationship questions

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33 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

I smile and wave to damn near everyone I walk by. I’m a male. I’m not sure it is a good way to judge interest.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

The best indication is when that smiling, flirting etc. is directed at you and no one else. If you see them giving the same attention to someone else, then it doesn’t mean anything. If it is only for you, and there are ‘moments’ then it is probably more than just flirting.

dynamicduo's avatar

Nope, there is no obvious way to distinguish between friendliness or flirting, that’s why the game is so hard!

One thing that women tend to do when flirting is needless physical contact. If the girl laughs at your joke and touches your arm while laughing, or laughs and gives you a playful shove, I would interpret these as being much more flirtatious than friendly.

@FireMadeFlesh has a great point, compare her actions to you with how she acts with other men and women. With my touching point above, it could be that she is just a touchy feely kind of person and does this with everyone no matter who it is.

Bluefreedom's avatar

I wish the ladies would take all the guesswork out of it completely and just tell us they’re interested right from the start. There will be plenty of time for flirting, compliments, and foreplay later on. IF some kind of positive connection is made, that is.

wundayatta's avatar

Some women are just flirtatious, because that’s how they are, and they don’t mean anything by it. What’s weird is that they are always surprised when guys come on to them. Some women don’t flirt at all, but are still interested. Really, it all depends on what kind of guy you are, and what kind of girl she is. In other words, you’re on your own, buddy.

If you’re brave, you’ll ask her to do something with you, and see. Make it as non-threatening a thing to do as possible. The idea is to slowly ramp up the intensity of the activities, and if she’s still with you, then you know she’s interested. Of course, that’s only the beginning of it.

qualitycontrol's avatar

touch her breast, and watch for a reaction. if you get a slap she ain’t interested. If she offers the other one, I think you might be in.

dynamicduo's avatar

There’s nothing stopping guys from asking outright either, or saying they’re interested. I’ve met my fair share of flirty guys too, so it’s not just a girl thing.

aprilsimnel's avatar

@Bluefreedom – I wish men would do that, too. I only figured out yesterday that a guy in one of my classes who I think is attractive and had asked me for my card last week was only being polite and isn’t into me. I figure he’d’ve called by now if he was interested, right? dammit. :(

Mr_Callahan's avatar

There is that “sock in my shorts” thats a sure giveaway.

Bluefreedom's avatar

@aprilsimnel. You’re right. We men should be more direct, just like you mentioned. I promise to work on that and I’ll do better in the future. I think the guy in your class IS into you. Go get him.

Normskiiz's avatar

Haha ask them ! Or try the silence game !! To see how much they want to be notice by you lols!!

Resonantscythe's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh I’m lacking in that due to my probably discomforting habit to not break eye contact when someone’s talking(I’m working on it). but I’ll try that.

@daloon Any examples? Even the most generalized story will give me an Idea.

@qualitycontrol Something that doesn’t get me gang-stomped please Xp

@dynamicduo Honestly the grand majority of guys I’ve seen flirt either do it with intent or don’t notice what their doing, I’ve honestly never seen a guy flirt unless he was into the person or completely joking around. Maybe it’s just the people I’ve been around?

@aprilsimnel People have always (if inadvertently) led me to believe the female is in the position of power in terms of the stages before any actual dating begins. The woman is the attractive one, usually knows she is, and has most of the rejection power. Please correct me if I’m wrong

@Mr_Callahan I honestly have no clue what you’re talking about.

@Bluefreedom But if the guy hasn’t called in a week, isn’t that too long to show interest?? Wasn’t there some x number of days guideline or something? I just don’t get how the whole getting number to calling thing works.

@Normskiiz The problem with that is I usually end up interested in girls I’ve already established a friendship with. I suck(terribly) at dealing with awkward moments.

wundayatta's avatar

Examples of what? Flirtatious girls or ways of asking her to go out?

Normskiiz's avatar

Give me an example of the way she acts towards you ?

Resonantscythe's avatar

@daloon You said “If you’re brave, you’ll ask her to do something with you, and see. Make it as non-threatening a thing to do as possible. The idea is to slowly ramp up the intensity of the activities, and if she’s still with you, then you know she’s interested.”

@Normskiiz No current examples, just trying to get rough ideas in case i do meet someone.

Normskiiz's avatar

Oh okay um I guess flirt back and see what’s her reaction but don’t overboard it lols!

wundayatta's avatar

“Hey, you feel like going for some coffee, now?”
“I hear (x movie) is good, would you like to go see it with me?”

I don’t know. There must be a million such questions. If she’s flirting with you, there’s probably something that will riff off of what she says. A little self-deprecating humor could be useful. But then disprove the self-deprecation right away by being clear about what you’d be interested in doing with her.

Anyway, I was pretty shy, and I never could carry off these lines in high school or at a bar or anything, later on. I usually made friends first, usually with some intense conversation, and pretty soon it was really clear we were both quite interested in each other. So the other thing to do is to not sweat it, be yourself, do what comes naturally, and know that eventually you’ll be dating or whatever. Prescripted lines are no good, in my opinion. You need confidence to carry them off, and I never had that confidence. Talking about what I was really interested in or thinking is what did it for me. I never went in for small talk or flirting. Not good at that. Or wasn’t good at that back then. You can flirt like a pro as soon as you get married. Life just isn’t fair.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

usually when she’s naked I get the hint… but up until then, just as lost as you brother.

Resonantscythe's avatar

@daloon Oh that reminds me: say It’s the situation where I get invited back to their place for coffee or whatever, say i don’t like the offered item(but I can stand to consume it), is it impolite to ask for something else? No innuendo intended.

wundayatta's avatar

I think it is generally acceptable to interpret “coffee” to mean some drink that gives us a chance to talk to each other, not necessarily coffee.

What do others think?

Bluefreedom's avatar

@Resonantscythe. I don’t see anything impolite or improper about asking for a different type of drink from what you were first offered. It would make sense that your host would like you to be comfortable (at least I hope so) when you’re both sitting down and talking and enjoying a beverage together.

@daloon. I’m with you on the thought that ‘coffee’, ‘drink’, or ‘come up for a nightcap’ is any beverage really along with the message that we sit down and talk for a while. This shouldn’t be automatically interpreted to mean, ‘after we have a drink, we’re going to have sex afterward.’

Blondesjon's avatar

I wait until the genitalia gets busted out. That is usually a good indicator that things are going your way.

aprilsimnel's avatar

@Resonantscythe – Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I was at a concert.

The woman is the attractive one, usually knows she is, and has most of the rejection power. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

No it’s not looks. I have learned that the one who cares least about the interaction has more power in any given situation between two people.

In order for me not to get my hopes up over a card, I’ve decided to assume he was just being polite about that and isn’t interested.

Resonantscythe's avatar

@aprilsimnel Hmm…but don’t have the position of caring less knowing that there will be other men attracted to them? Vs. Men mostly having to work at it? I’m trying to clear up as many of my misconceptions as possible.

aprilsimnel's avatar

You’re giving women too much power in your head. Stop. Women are mortal and apprehensive and scared, just like you. That’s why a lot of women have not and do not approach men, not even at online dating sites. We do know how hard it is and we’re afraid of being shot down too, because most of the time, people get shot down.

And on the flip side, surely there have been young ladies who have tried to talk to you and you weren’t interested.

wundayatta's avatar

I don’t know if it’s such a bad thing to give women “too much” power. I have found that it makes me respect them, and I worked very hard to try to understand what they want, and to learn how to provide it. It doesn’t work on all women, but it does seem to work on more creative and intelligent women. Oh, the trick? Listening. Really listening.

Simple, really, once you get the hang of it. Not that one can do it all the time. But often enough.

Resonantscythe's avatar

So far listening has gotten me set on the express train to the “will only ever be considered a friend” town.

@aprilsimnel I’ll make sure to work on that.
Actually, rarely having consistently received it, I try to give people the time of time of day so to speak.

wundayatta's avatar

Yeah, I ended up there a lot, too. Eventually though, it paid off. It takes time—at least, it did for me.

aprilsimnel's avatar

It’s back and forth. That’s why @Bluefreedom and I were both saying that we wished people could be straightforward. It’s one thing to listen all the time, but also, it’s probably a good idea to say things to the person you’re interested in like, “I enjoy talking to you.” “I think you’re very attractive.” And so on. I know I should probably do it myself in the situation I’m in, but yes, like you, I’m afraid of rejection.

Hell, I’ll put it all the way out there. I have a very active imagination. What I’m afraid of is some scenario where I’d get, ”You want to have coffee with me? Why on earth would I do that? You? Get to know you? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, hell no! (wipes away tears of laughter) You know I’m hot like fire and very intelligent and all that, right? And you thought I’d be attracted to you? Seriously, you’re deluded, of course. I’m after the tall and stunning redhead over there. See, I asked for your card because it made me look like a nice guy in front of her! You’d better go before you embarrass yourself any further.”

Of course, that would actually never happen and I’m 99% positive the guy in my example isn’t such a schmuck, but you get the idea. And that’s my problem. It’s precisely why I can imagine he wouldn’t be interested, because I’m sure this attitude of mine about my attractiveness seeps out, even if I don’t realize it, and taints any perception of me as someone worth knowing intimately. Who would want to put up with that sort of insecure horseshit?

Use what I’ve said above as an object lesson, as in don’t be like this! Take the risk of rejection. You will live through it, even though you think it will crush you. It won’t. You have been rejected before, yet you’re still here, intact and healthy. You have felt good again. I’m sure you’re an attractive young man that a pretty young girl would be happy to go out with – if you put yourself out there confidently. Just take it slow, listen some and talk some and just tell the girl you like that you like her and would like to get to know her better. At the very least, she’ll be flattered, I’m sure. Believe me, I’m saying this as much for my own benefit as I am for yours, because I can list at least 3 truly awesome men over the years that I thought weren’t attracted to me, so I shied away from them. Come to find out some time later that they were interested, but thought I wasn’t since I shied away from them. I rejected them, even though I didn’t mean to. See what I’m saying? Go forth boldly. And good luck.

Resonantscythe's avatar

@aprilsimnel Actually that example is almost exactly what goes through my head(genders switched of course) when I get nervous about it. Like you know me.

But you’re right, I should try harder. Thanks Alot for everything.

There’s one thing that’s bothered me for a while- sometimes I’ll be walking around the mall or something, and I’ll be looking around semi-aimlessly and meet eyes for possibly a second or two with an attractive girl around my age. She’ll quickly look away with a frown, even though I know my face was blank and the look lasted less that 5 seconds. Any idea why this happens?

Psyche's avatar

I usually go with my gut instinct, because I smile at most people on eye contact, I am a flirt because that is part of my makeup, I compliment because I admire what I see. On the other hand, when I have a crush, I get lockjaw and my heart flutters, rendering me unable to smile, flirt, or compliment. Actually, I gaze in state of stage fright. Therefore, I think it is hard to discern if someone is just being polite, friendly, or something more.

In addition, it becomes more of a challenge if that person has an ego that is not tolerable of rejection. Some people are more concerned with being turned down, so they turn away not giving into what could be the start of a great friendship, romantic interlude or even a lasting, loving relationship.

Nevertheless, if you see that person often and have the opportunity to chat, you both will find it easier to move toward something new together, if that is what you both are seeking. Moreover, it does not necessarily have to be what your intentions originally were. People grow on us; this is why we find ourselves liking them, hoping to see them and wanting to talk, which can be the beginning of a blissfully intimate relationship with a new. …this is what I believe to be true.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Oh, btw, that guy? Didn’t call and the class is over. He isn’t into me. Oh, well. Life goes on and other men are out there.

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