General Question

TitsMcGhee's avatar

Am I justified in being upset about this comment?

Asked by TitsMcGhee (8255points) June 16th, 2009

A guy I have been seeing lately, who, admittedly, is 5.5 years older than me, told me the other day that he needed to “teach me how to kiss,” those being his exact words. He told me not to be upset, that it wasn’t an insult but I was, and still am, upset.

The comment had me miffed for a few reasons. Firstly, I may be younger than him, but that doesn’t give him the right to be condescending, especially because (based on general discussions we’ve had) I’m almost positive that I’ve had more partners and more experience than he has. Secondly, while I understand that people have different kissing styles which may or may not mesh well, I’ve never had any complaints. Lastly, if he was going to say something to that effect, couldn’t it have been said with more tact?

Would you have said something like that to your partner? Was he in the wrong, or am I justified?

For reference, we have only been seeing each other for about three weeks.

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72 Answers

Likeradar's avatar

Uh, yeah. You’re justified.

Like you said, everyone kisses differently, and your styles may be different. Him saying he wants to teach you implies that he knows the “right” way and that you’re doing it “wrong.”

Would you have been offended if he said something like “I really like when you kiss me like ______.”?

eponymoushipster's avatar

he sounds like might just be trying to be slick, but coming off as a jerk.

also, he might be a shit kisser and not know how good you are.

btko's avatar

He may not like your style, but I think he could have been way more tactful.

jrpowell's avatar

I would be livid. I suggest things like, “That feels really good.” But I would never say that you need to be taught.

Pcrecords's avatar

@likeradar your spot on with your answer.

If you didn’t injure him or yourself I say your kissing is fine.

It’s a personality thing. I’ve been kissed hard, soft, firmly, sloppily, quickly, lingeringly, porny and downright frigidly, and everytime I’ve taken something from it.

I’d never dare offer lessons.

rooeytoo's avatar

I agree, it would hurt/annoy me.

But, I just wonder if there is a truly tactful way to say this. I have had an experience where I liked the man but hated the way he kissed, I mean a total turn-off. Rather than hurt his feelings, I just ended the alliance.

From my point of view, I don’t know how anyone could say that to me without it hurting my feelings. I think maybe better to just move on.

Facade's avatar

Dump him, find someone else. He sounds like he has asshole-like tendencies…and yes, you’re justified.

whatthefluther's avatar

I agree with your assessment. The guys a loser. You’re also right about kissing styles. The best way to get styles meshing is start slow, introduce new moves and practice, practice, practice. If something works well for you, your partner will pick up on it and will gladly accommodate and cooperate (within accepted limits, of course). The biggest turn-on is watching your partner get really turned-on by what you do and say.

Bluefreedom's avatar

It certainly sounds like you have a good reason to be upset and yes, it would have been much more prudent for him to have been more correct in the way that he expressed his desire to want you to kiss better. With your past relationship experience though, I’d say that you are the one doing just fine and the problem may be him and his shortcomings.

Since the relationship is basically in its infant stages at this point, it’s decision time whether you talk with him and work this out or take it at face value that he’s just not a gentleman and look for something much better that you rightly deserve. If you have any considerable doubts, you might consider moving on from him and looking for something better as has already been mentioned in this thread.

tinyfaery's avatar

Eww. Tell him you can’t see him anymore because he’s too old for you.

chyna's avatar

I would guarantee no guy in here would tell a girl named Tits that she couldn’t kiss!

saranwrapper's avatar

wow, is this guy trying not to get laid?

Blondesjon's avatar

Tell him you would be more than willing to learn how to kiss, just as soon as he signs up for a six week course in How Not To Be A Douche 101.

SeventhSense's avatar

Sounds tactless, but a kiss says a lot. I remember a very attractive girl I dated whose kiss always had a certain quality that I could only say was too agressive. It was good at times, but other times I wanted to be able to switch it up. Hot and heavy is nice, but slow and simmering is also sweet. Maybe you can learn something or maybe you’re just not compatible. It depends on all the other areas you feel or don’t feel chemistry.

jrpowell's avatar

Let him go down on you and offer to teach him how to do it. 20 bucks says he freaks out.

rexpresso's avatar

It’s up to you but I think you wouldn’t lose anything by letting him try to teach you. He may have been tactless but who knows maybe he’s a great kisser, and kissing is an art. An art you can also learn on Youtube, by the way. But before letting him exemplify in practice, have him do a formal presentation… even say jokingly that you’re thinking if you should demand a PowerPoint… then say ok forget the PowerPoint but tell me the theory, give me details. Give him a hard time of sorts, who knows it may even get steamy. Make the best of every situation, and don’t be whiny or resentful. Be playful. Giving him a sexy hard time is a good way to “punish” him for the tactlessness. If he isn’t up to the challenge then move on to better lips.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@johnpowell i’m with you on both counts

chyna's avatar

What is your assessment of his kissing ability?

SeventhSense's avatar

@rexpresso
Sounds like a good way to sense his flexibility and willingness and capacity for a two way relationship.

casheroo's avatar

@johnpowell lol, lurve.

I would not take to that kindly. I’d probably ignore his calls.

Darwin's avatar

Well, he certainly can’t be known for his tact. Since we weren’t there we really don’t know how he said what he said, whether he was trying to be funny (and failing) or trying to express to you what he likes in a kiss. In any case, you probably should let him know that what he said (or at least the way he said it) is confusing to you as you don’t know quite how to take it. His response should tell you whether he is worth dating or not.

saranwrapper's avatar

If the kiss is bad, I’m out. So if you really like the person you would want to change their kissing suckage, but there are better ways of going about it than telling the person straight out. That’s just tactless.

ubersiren's avatar

Yeah, I would be ticked. He could’ve just done something smooth like say, “Hey let’s play a game where we kiss differently” and then he could’ve said what ones he liked and stuff. What a douche bag. How old are you? If nobody has complained before, it’s definitely HIS problema majora.

I also like @tinyfaery‘s answer. Tell him that he kisses like a slobbery old man with a bad bridge.

gailcalled's avatar

Tell him that “loose lips sink ships.”

filmfann's avatar

Wow, so this guy told you his honest feelings, and you are mad at him.
How dare he tell you the truth! Dump him and find someone who will lie about how good you kiss, how good you cook, and who will hide his disappointment and dissatisfaction.
Or, maybe you could learn something.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@filmfann
well this ‘truth’ can be expressed in a way that makes the person more willing to learn

Bluefreedom's avatar

@filmfann. You’re right on track to avoid any and all lurve for that stellar answer. Keep up the good work.

Blondesjon's avatar

@filmfann . . .you haven’t had a lot of experience in dealing with women, have you?

eponymoushipster's avatar

@filmfann maybe she should find someone who hits her when he’s not happy too? he just does it cause he loves her….

asmonet's avatar

Fuck him.

Come make out with me Tits, my love.

eponymoushipster's avatar

@asmonet again, can i watch?

asmonet's avatar

I know.

;)

DrasticDreamer's avatar

You have every right to be upset. Regardless of whether or not he simply wanted to try a different style or may prefer something you don’t, he could have been much nicer about it. It was not only rude to say it that way, but it also comes off as extremely arrogant.

That said, I say at least talk to him about it before you dump him. Talking to him will do a few things. First, you’ll be able to see how well you can work through hurt feelings and problems with this person in general. If he gets offended that what he said caused hurt feelings, nothing else matters and you should dump him on the spot. Second of all, if you allow him to “teach” you how to kiss, you can teach him how to have more tact. Also, say that if you allow him to show you how he likes to be kissed, make sure he’s willing to let you show him how you like to be kissed.

If he disregards what you say or if he was in fact just being an arrogant asshole, fuck it and toss him out like garbage.

asmonet's avatar

@DrasticDreamer: You’re kind of a smarty pants. <3

…And way more helpful than me.

tinyfaery's avatar

To me, if the kiss is awkward or uncomfortable in anyway it means that the there is no hope for a future. The people who I have chosen to spend my time with all were/are great kissers. There was no need to learn how to kiss each other. The spark is just there.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@asmonet Thanks, I think? ;) <3

@tinyfaery Yeah, you do have a good point there.

jca's avatar

he would be starting to annoy the crap out of me right about now….

ubersiren's avatar

@filmfann : The point is that he wasn’t very sensitive about it.

filmfann's avatar

The thing is when my wife or my kids ask me anything, they know I am not lieing, or trying to make it sound nice. They know I am giving them the truth. When I say something nice, they know it’s the truth, and they are very happy and satisfied with it. I can’t tell you how many people they don’t want to ask, because they can’t trust the answer they would get.
Yes, this guy should have been more tactful.
Maybe that’s not so bad.

kevbo's avatar

This has nothing to do with your age or experience except for what I’m getting as maybe some insecurity on your part about your age or the age difference between the two of you. I’m not saying the following is true about you, just that logically age and experience beyond a certain point really don’t have much to do with kissing ability. Both of you are well beyond the point that experience makes a whit of difference.

Other than your kissing styles possibly not meshing, I think the real issue here is that he’s not approaching you as an equal and that isn’t sitting right with you. I used to be accused of being patronizing, and while I never understood it at the time, I’m guessing now that that’s kind of what it means. So, does this guy have enough other wonderful qualities that you’re willing to overlook his need to be the “teacher” or in charge or that he’s rough around the edges or whatever, or are you going to take this as a sign that this isn’t a good fit?

Maybe you aspire to be with someone who knows a little better how to talk to a woman. You’d think that him being older, he might have figured out how to do that by now.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I concur with @chyna and @kevbo.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Let’s put it this way, if you get upset with what he said enough to bring it here then you’re just not into him.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@DrasticDreamer: I think you hit the nail right on the head: ARROGANT is how it comes off.

dynamicduo's avatar

In my experience, some men not only have no tact, they have no real care to think about having tact in the first place. Sure it was a brutish comment, but I really think he did not mean for his comment to have the impact you have attributed to it.

I agree with @kevbo‘s comment regarding being with someone who knows how to talk to a woman. A smooth man would have had the same end result (experimenting with new forms of kissing) but would have done it with tact and respect and possibly given you that special tingle.

In the end, I think your anger is a bit misplaced. I think you are upset because this person is not who you really want to be with, and this kissing comment is helping you to observe this.

oratio's avatar

You can teach me how to kiss if you want. I wouldn’t be upset the least.

ubersiren's avatar

@filmfann : Someone needs to teach you how to spell. It’s “lying.”

Also, you can say something in a nice way without lying. Just because someone isn’t blurting something out in a rude and untimely manner doesn’t mean he’s not being truthful. I don’t know why you think that.

phoenyx's avatar

my 2¢

My guess is that he doesn’t realize how arrogant his statement sounds. He probably also doesn’t realize how angry you are because of it. I’d recommend being straightforward with him. Tell him:

1. what you are feeling (“I am miffed because…”)
2. what you want/expect (someone who understands/respects your feelings, someone who treats you as an equal partner, etc.)
3. what the consequences will be (stay with him if he can treat you as an equal or you will look for someone else who can)

gailcalled's avatar

Is there really a right or wrong way to kiss? Perhaps you should tell him that he needs lessons to learn what you like?

And I would think that showing rather than telling would be much more fun. Lecturing abut the art of love is certainly off-putting.

jca's avatar

i used to go out with a guy who felt he was teacher and i needed to be taught and it was quite annoying and did not help me with self esteem or confidence.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

I mean honestly it depends on the context and how he said it, which you’re the only one who knows that obviously.

Call me crazy, but I don’t get mad about tiny things like that, he doesn’t like how you kiss, big deal.

kerryyylynn's avatar

He probably just wants to make himself seem so much cooler and more experienced than he really is. He thinks that if hes better than you, youd think of him as a god. Psshaw!

Zaku's avatar

“Firstly, I may be younger than him, but that doesn’t give him the right to be condescending, especially because (based on general discussions we’ve had) I’m almost positive that I’ve had more partners and more experience than he has.”
– Anyone can be condescending, but who would choose to, and why? Seems to me that kissing skill isn’t really about age or number of partners or amount of experience anyway, though if it were, he might have an argument since he’s presumably been kissing women, and you’ve been kissing men… ;-)

“Secondly, while I understand that people have different kissing styles which may or may not mesh well, I’ve never had any complaints. Lastly, if he was going to say something to that effect, couldn’t it have been said with more tact?”
– I hear that many men aren’t terribly particular about kissing technique. Maybe a constructive way to take the remark is that he’d like you two to kiss in some other ways which he’d like to show you – but I would say that it was his responsibility how he said that to you, which gets him however you choose to react to it. Maybe he wasn’t expressing himself well, and/or maybe he was trying to tease you.

“Would you have said something like that to your partner?”
– Seems very unlikely.

“Was he in the wrong, or am I justified?”
– I don’t know (see above), but I would say you can make up any meaning about it that you want. How would you like to be about it, and be that way. My suggestion is to notice and express your upset without making him wrong about it. It’s great to be able to express all of your reactions and related thoughts to a partner and have both of you get that it’s not about one or the other person being wrong, and explore it in the context of love and acceptance.

CMaz's avatar

I would say if he was 5.75 or older you might have something.
Otherwise, it really comes down to is that some people just do not match up when kissing.
Got to find a round peg of a kisser for your round hole.

brettvdb's avatar

You should tell him you want him to teach you how to kiss – then when he closes his eyes and leans in, hit him with your car.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I wonder if he wants you to “be” someone else, and kiss like someone from his past?

rexpresso's avatar

@brettvdb you comedian! :-D

filmfann's avatar

The comic Zits has been doing this topic this week

chyna's avatar

@filmfann I saw that and wanted to comment on it, but figured no one else but me read it. It’s funny in a comic strip, but not in real life.

filmfann's avatar

I used to date a girl who was like that. I felt like she was gonna swallow my face!

Jeruba's avatar

@gailcalled, yep, there’s a wrong way.

GA, @brettvdb.

gailcalled's avatar

@Jeruba: I remember one mature man who was a real slobberer, but I assumed that some woman out there liked his style. Wrong for me, but perhaps delicious for the slurpers or slurpees. I simply washed him out of my life.

Jeruba's avatar

@gailcalled, I remember one (also adequately mature) who made me feel like I was being kissed by this guy. There’s nothing romantic, to me, about fear of gagging. I liked him otherwise, but that was an insurmountable obstacle.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

To anyone still following this:

After being mad and explaining why I was upset to him, we saw each other twice more (and he did things to irk me during that). It was going downhill even quicker, but I just found out that he moved to Oklahoma without saying a word to me, regardless of the fact that he considered me his girlfriend. He is officially in my asshole category.

casheroo's avatar

@TitsMcGhee Definitely in the asshole category, and not worthy of your feelings whatsoever.

whatthefluther's avatar

@TitsMcGhee….I’m glad this guy was exposed very early in the relationship and that he is far away. He is worse than an asshole. And, he is a very poor example of a man. You’ll find someone infinitely better, I’m certain.

Jeruba's avatar

This sorry specimen may have performed one great service for you, though, and I don’t mean this facetiously at all. He has given you a good up-close look at some attitudes and behavior that you will recognize pretty quickly the next time you see them.

chyna's avatar

How does someone just move without mentioning it while dating? What a jerk. I’m glad you didn’t end up wasting anymore time on him.

jca's avatar

thanks for updating us.

Ron_C's avatar

I say “go with the flow”. We were married for about three years when my wife told me that I need kissing lessons. I thought they were fun and part of the reason our first child was born. I wouldn’t be insulted, we can all afford to impove our abilities.

I would be looking forward the the screwing lessons, maybe there’s something you missed.

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