General Question

dazedandconfused's avatar

Is it wrong to be in a relationship mainly for the well-being of the other person?

Asked by dazedandconfused (545points) June 17th, 2009

I dated this guy for almost two years and at the beginning of my senior year, broke his heart because I needed to find out what I was missing out on in life, if anything. I wanted to go do my own thing and experience my senior year without the commitment to one person. Lots of things happened in the meantime and after seeing him with someone else, seven months later, I realized that I missed him. He had finally gotten over me, and in a weak moment, I put myself back into his life, basically promising that things would be different.

Then, realizing what I had done, I wanted to back out… It’s not the same as it was the first time around. The ‘spark’ that was gone before at the end is still gone, and I don’t know that I’m doing the right thing. I’m leaving for college in two months, and he knows that it has to end when I go, but still says that this is best for him. He is dealing with parent, college, money, work and other issues and I think that what I need to do right now is just stay with him and try to make it the best that I can. I know that he is in love with me, even though I am no longer ‘in love’ with him. I love him and always will, and I just want to help him. Is it wrong to stay in a relationship if there is no spark?

I think that to end it now would just crush him, but if I wait until I have to leave, then it would be easier… because then, it would be because it’s something that I said would happen from the very beginning—not just me changing my mind. I think that ending it now would just cause unnecessary hurt to him and take the only semi-stable thing out of his life. Any thoughts or advice?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

16 Answers

Supacase's avatar

This may not be the right answer, but I think I would try to have a good summer with him and part ways as friends in the fall. Out of compassion, cowardice, not wanting to be remembered as a heartbreaking bitch? I’m not sure. All I know is I did this to my HS boyfriend and I still regret it. We were great friends beyond our dating relationship and we never spoke again after I broke his heart twice – which is understandable. (I was no longer “in love” with him – very, very similar to your situation.)

marinelife's avatar

It is never a good idea. It is also not possible to say whether it is best for the other person, even if they say so at the time.

What you need to go is be very honest with this guy. Tell him exactly what you have said here. Own up to your own immaturity in seeing him with someone else, and then taking him back.

Tell him you will always care for him as an important person in your formative years, but that your romantic feelings are over.

Then have a blast in college and don’t tie yourself down too quickly.

cwilbur's avatar

Are you enjoying the relationship? It doesn’t have to be true romantic love.

If you enjoy spending time with him, then there’s no reason to split up now instead of at the end of the summer. You know it’s going to end, and he knows it’s going to end, and unless there’s a benefit to ending it now instead of later, you might as well enjoy it.

wundayatta's avatar

It is very dishonest and hurtful to have secret plans to break up, not tell your boyfriend, and wait for graduation and distance to help you. I know. That’s what my first lover did to me. It took me years to get over it. I wish she would have cut me off cleanly, and told me clearly that I wasn’t for her. Instead she tried to make it as easy for me as possible, but in the process, made it much harder.

However, if your plans are open and honest, and he is ok with that, then I don’t see any problem with continuing until the end of the summer. He just needs to be able to make an informed choice. Although, he may be blinded by his desire to be with you, and believe that he can win you back. If you think he thinks this, you have no choice but to break it off now.

dazedandconfused's avatar

@cwilbur That’s how I feel about it… For all intents and purposes, he is my best friend. And while we were not dating, we were pretty much not friends. I think this was just because we couldn’t stand to see each other with someone else- and because he was still in love with me, while I was not with him. I think that this is the only way to keep my best friend for the next few months..

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

It’s not for the well being of the other person because it’s based on omission and deceit. If you mean well then be honest, gently honest so they can move on and be open and available to a fuller relationship if one presents.

All people “go through things” almost constantly, he’s experiencing his right now and it’s natural for him to suffer a bit as he learns what he’s capable of affecting for himself as he grows. If you want to be a friend then come clean and offer out only your genuine support.

Judi's avatar

For 2 months? heck ya. He already knows it’s over in 2 months anyway right? If you were committing your life to a loveless relationship then I would say no way.

dazedandconfused's avatar

@judi yes, he knows its over when I leave. In fact, he gets mad that I always bring it up to remind him and make sure this is still what he wants.

cak's avatar

You know, you said he’s like your best friend – if that is what my best friend did, use emotional manipulation to keep me around, I wouldn’t want to be friends with the person. You are asking this question, so I gotta wonder if on some level it’s eating at you.

You are not really helping him, you’re just delaying the inevitable. He’s still going to hurt, he’s still going to need to learn how to deal with these emotions.

susanc's avatar

You’re doing a good thing for both of you as long as you’re not lying to him. It appears that a few people here didn’t pick up on the fact that he understands that it’s over when you go away in the fall. Maybe he’ll still hate it, but if he were completely afraid of the day that has to happen, he could walk away now. He gets to make his own choice here.

Wait – are you having sex with him? That would be wrong. The implication is that you ARE in love with him. Confusing and unfair. Don’t do that.

dazedandconfused's avatar

@cak I’m not manipulating him to keep him around.. i give him opportunities all the time to back out if it’s not what he feels is right for him. He knows that I’m leaving and that when I do—regardless of what happens within the next few months—it’s over. I’m simply asking if it is wrong to make the best of the situation instead of ending it now and causing unnecessary harm. I think that if I end it now, he will feel like it was because he’s not good enough. If I end it later, he will see that it’s the circumstances.

@susanc No, I am not.. much to his dismay. I’ve realized that it would only complicate the situation even more, and since it would be the first time for both of us, I know it would be very difficult to end it. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I have to.. even though he thinks that it would not make it harder—I know that it would.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

It’s very unhealthy to get into a relationship that has no benefit for you.
That’s not being genuine to him or yourself. The longer things like this go on, the harder it is to break it off.

Good luck.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

found a really interesting description about friendship on a web page about the poetry of Rumi, an Afghani poet from the 1200’s (great stuff, btw).

“In Persian, there are four levels of friendship each relating to a degree in closeness and intimacy: Aashenaa (to know someone casually), Doost (a close friend), Rafeegh (your best friend) and Yaar (your inseparable lover).

However, these levels are independent of the type of physical connection you have with someone. These degrees of closeness explain your deep soul connection with another being; your spouse, therefore, may only be your Aashenaa, or you may have a perfect platonic relationship with a Yaar.”

If you’re sleeping with him, stop. Being his friend doesn’t have to mean “with benefits.” And going away to college doesn’t mean you have to never speak to him again.

cak's avatar

@dazedandconfused – No, he’s using emotional manipulation to keep you around. That’s not good. It’s not good that you felt that to get give him something stable, was to return to him. Not because of love, not because of truly wanting to be with him. You returned solely for him, to give him something stable. Really? Is that not some form of emotional manipulation on his part? It is.

He is using his lack of stability as a way to keep you around. That is never a good thing.

shortysith's avatar

I so understand ur point of view. I stayed with my ex because he was a great person, but I didn’t want to be with him anymore. In the end, I’ve hurt him more because I delayed the inevitable, and now that I’m with someone else, it hurts him even more. If you are clear about separating at the end of the summer, then I don’t see a problem. But make sure he KNOWS…we’ve all loved someone who didn’t love us back and we all know how that feels…and sometimes the best thing a friend can do is be truthful even if it hurts.

dannyc's avatar

Not a chance.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther