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missjena's avatar

What do I do when dealing with this person even if you don't think they mean it?

Asked by missjena (918points) June 18th, 2009 from iPhone

What would you do if you got into an argument with someone because you were supposed to go somewhere and since they were drunk youdecided not to go anymore. They ended up taking it extremely personal. They don’t talk to you in a week because of it meanwhile while they were drunk they were making rude comments to you. The problem is he actually thinks he right to be upset I left. I understand when people are alcoholics they aren’t themselves when drunk. He starts rehab soon. But I still think he owes me an apology and since he thinks he’s right he won’t call me again. I probably won’t speak to him anymore and thinks his reasoning is justified. I reached out to him via email and he wasn’t friendly and basically saying he’s mad and if I err want to hangout again I knwo where he lives. Should I ever call him again? Or just understand this is the way he is? I told him he doesn’t care how I feel and he basically writes I don’t have to explain myself to you. When you make sense get back to me. What’s his problem? What should I do? Meanwhile i’ve done so much for him these past couple months.

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25 Answers

missjena's avatar

His reasoning is because ” you left and didn’t want to hangout with me I felt played”

Tink's avatar

Sorry but he sounds like an asshole

missjena's avatar

I’ve known him for like 15 years. He’s actually a really great person with a really bad habit. But either way I feel like I can’t just drop him. But I feel he should contact me. He’s stubborn.

cak's avatar

Unfortunately, you can want that apology and feel like he owes you that apology – all you want; however, it doesn’t mean he’ll ever do it. He’s showing his true colors and it’s sad, it’s taken him a while to do it, evidently.

He’s an alcoholic. Unless he is really committed to rehab and seeing the mistakes he’s made, you’ll never see a true apology. Right now, it sounds like he is playing the victim and you are to blame.

At this point, you should not call him. You’ve done all you can in this situation. There doesn’t seem to be anything else to accomplish. Sometimes, you have to let go for someone to get better. Let go of him, let him go to rehab and maybe, you can work on a true friendship, when he is recovering. While he’s in rehab, you might want to look at things and make sure there is a relationship there, not something where either you are enabling him or that is co-dependent.

15yrs is a long time, but sometimes, there has to be a break in a relationship.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’m with @Tink1113 – maybe he’s not an asshole when sober, but I simply do not deal with drunk people and their shenanigans, at all, I have zero, and I really mean it, zero tolerance for drunk people and all the stupid shit they do and what follows after – I would have done the same and would never call until he apologized

marinelife's avatar

Think hard about why you want to hang out with an alcoholic, then run for the hills.

If he sincerely goes through recovery, he may come back and apologize.

Even then, it would be best to let him have a lot of sober time under his belt before you consider hanging out with him.

wundayatta's avatar

From what little I’ve heard, if you stick with him, you are helping him continue to be an alcoholic. Many alcoholics won’t change and get off the booze until they have lost everything, especially those close to them. If he treats you that way, and is unapologetic, it is appropriate for you to not talk to him or email him until he reaches out to you, and even then, you can tell him that if he touches a drink before you get there or while you are with him, you are outtathere.

Life isn’t fair, and he may not recognize that you have done a lot for him. He probably sees it quite differently. Don’t let him walk all over you.

fireside's avatar

You sould probably walk away unless you really can’t.
If you can’t, then you should probably start attending Al-anon meetings to hear about how other people deal with family members who can’t get over their dependency issues.

missjena's avatar

Thanks for the great advice everyone. He is constantly thanking me for my efforts and explains how much i’ve helped him. This time though he thinks otherwise. I agree with not hangin out with him when drunk an I usually don’t. In fact, I didn’t know he was drunk till I got there. The part that is hard about this entire thing is how good of a person he is inside and how close we are that since he has a problem I can’t see him anymore. I are about him very deeply but I will no longer contact him until he apologizies. He will be getting help shortly he is waiting for a bed to open up in a rehab. It’s just frustrating. When he’s drunk he’s a totally different person at times and other times he’s a sweet drunk. Either way it sucks that we can no longer hangout because of his addiction.

missjena's avatar

It’s actually depresses me..

Open's avatar

Don’t let him sink your ship. You have 2 basic options, but what’s really important is understanding which one you can handle better.

Option one- You leave him be. As you have already discovered this road is going to make you depressed. You’ve known him for several years and even if he is turning a bit asshole-ish, you know there is a good person inside. But it doesn’t matter. You have to realize that at some point it isn’t about him anymore, it’s about you. It’s time to get yourself together and understand that he’s going to make life rough for you if you keep pushing him. Most people will tell you ditch the guy and start over with a clean sheet. This can be done, but understand there’s heartbreak and sadness that goes along with this option until you can achieve that “clean sheet” feeling. It’s highly doubtful that you can just forget a guy you’ve know this long, so understand that you’re going to have to build yourself an emotional defense before taking this option. In other words, you’re going to have to be strong.

Option two- You stick with him. However understand that this road will lead to the “roller coaster of emotions”. Just because you stick with him doesn’t mean he’s going to sober up and get better. He’s going to have down days, weeks, months and who-knows-how-long times. This isn’t a “better option” or a “worse option”. This is about what you think you can handle. This path also leads to heartache, depression, and sadness. If you decide to take this path, once again, you’re going to have to be very strong. If you want to help him, you must also understand that you can not waver in your emotions. If he’s having a fit or a bad day, you can’t be. Basically, you will have to put your feelings and emotions aside to help him. This is much easier said than done.

Don’t let it get you down. First decide which option is better for you, then decide what he needs. Sometimes people need space and sometimes people need support. You know him better than I do, so you can decide which he needs most. Also keep in mind, if you decide to give him space this doesn’t mean you are giving up on him. Be strong! You can do it! ^_^

PandoraBoxx's avatar

He does owe you an apology, but if you’re going to get it, it will be after rehab. Stay distant; you can’t win against the illogic of alcohol. He has to come to that on his own.

missjena's avatar

@ pandora so I shouldn’t contact him right? It’s been a week. I wish he’d see his mistakes n not assume I did something wrong. He really thinks I messed up.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@missjena, of course he thinks that, because to do otherwise, he would have to admit responsibility for his actions, and his drinking. Be supportive of rehab when he’s in it, but if he goes into it thinking he doesn’t “really” have a “problem” then he will fail at it.

missjena's avatar

He knows he has a problem. It’s upsetting to me that he thinks I’m messed up.

cak's avatar

@missjena—That’s how the mind of an alcoholic works, though. Don’t beat yourself up. Just hope that he gets the help he truly needs and sees what has happened. Be good to yourself and don’t let him wear you down on this – don’t apologize for something you didn’t do.

My grandparents (one set of them) were alcoholics, horrible ones. My grandmother got completely toasted one day and locked me in the closet because she was certain I was stealing her liquor. I owed her an apology, according to her. That was the last time I ever spoke to her.

missjena's avatar

Omg I’m sorry that haPpened to you. I really really don’t want this to be the last time we speak. Why can’t they realize their faults when they are sober?

cak's avatar

ack! I hate when I type something that makes sense and I hit the wrong key and wipe it out!

If they admit it was their fault, then they are also admitting there is a problem…responsibility isn’t very high on the alcoholic’s list of things to do, or be. You are a good friend to care about him the way you do, but care enough about him (and you) to not give in to him, on this one. In rehab, he will be told he needs to face the things he has done wrong, let’s hope this is one of those things he is willing to see that he needs to apologize for his actions.

Good luck to you and to your friend.

What happened with my grandmother was extreme, but it’s one of those things I’ll never forget. I was young when it happened and I knew how wrong it was. Not once did she ever accept responsibility for her actions. Not once did she ever care to really get better. She died a bitter, lonely old woman. My family had to draw a line, if we had continued to be there and put up with the abuse, it was only enabling her. With your friend, you need to draw the line to show him that you do care about him and about yourself.

missjena's avatar

So even though he is illogical right now due to alcohol. I shouldn’t write him back right? He left off nasty like. After I wrote ” you don’t seem to care how I feel”. He wrote ” I don’t have to explain myself to you, make sense and get back to me”. Rude right?

missjena's avatar

This is so stupid we are arguing over this. He’s acting as if I betrayed him horribly! Even thoughbwe had plans do go somewhere I changed my mind once he was intoxicated. He’s taking it so personally but meanwhile he hurt me when getting mad at me. Ugh what a weird situation when it comes to an alcoholic. I doubt he will contact me again. He’s very stubborn and he thinks he’s right. I’ve done so much for him and liked helping. Oh well

fireside's avatar

I would leave it alone, but if he persists, tell him you look forward to talking to him after he has gotten help for his problem. He’s not going to stop trying to put the blame elsewhere, so you are better off just ignoring his attempts.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I agree with fireside, leave it alone. If he persists, tell him that the intoxication version of him makes you sad, and you can’t be around him when he’s like that.

missjena's avatar

Someone close to him said not to say ” i cant be around you when your drunk and i wont be around you until you get help” because it wont stop his drinking so there is no point. It will just make him feel bad and worse. I just dont understand how he’s actually mad at me over this. It hurts me because if he really cared he would reach out to me somehow. I know he cares but obviously not enough right?

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@missjena, he really does need to hit bottom. He needs to feel bad. He needs to recognize that his behavior impacts others in a negative way, and he will not come to that if everyone is okay with his drinking. He’s really angry with himself, but is trying to make you own the responsibility for his pain. If he makes it your “fault” then his drinking isn’t really a problem, and he doesn’t really need help or any sort of intervention.

missjena's avatar

Okay so bottom line. I shouldn’t speak to him anymore : (

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